Dealbreakers

thisismynickname2

Isn't it funny how so many of us actually have some opposite deal breakers? I know most here have listed conservative and religious as deal breakers, but liberal and atheist are deal breakers for me. I tried in the past to meet and date people with different world views than mine, and it ended not well. Why? The ultimate deal-breaker: narrow minded.

Opposite can attract, and attract well, if both people are open minded. It's ironic that I saw being narrow minded is a deal breaker and then list liberal and athiest as deal breakers (shouldn't I be open minded?), but that's because this is a wedding site, and the person I had to marry and be with the rest of my life, well, life's just easier not arguing over politics and holidays. So sue me.

novella1186

thisismynickname said:

Isn't it funny how so many of us actually have some opposite deal breakers? I know most here have listed conservative and religious as deal breakers, but liberal and atheist are deal breakers for me. I tried in the past to meet and date people with different world views than mine, and it ended not well. Why? The ultimate deal-breaker: narrow minded.

Opposite can attract, and attract well, if both people are open minded. It's ironic that I saw being narrow minded is a deal breaker and then list liberal and athiest as deal breakers (shouldn't I be open minded?), but that's because this is a wedding site, and the person I had to marry and be with the rest of my life, well, life's just easier not arguing over politics and holidays. So sue me.

Yeah, I don't think I could ever be with someone who WASN'T atheist because of that. The guys I had gone on dates with who found out always reacted pretty negatively. One even asked if I worshiped the devil. Um, no dumbass, I don't BELIEVE in the devil. Duh. 

On the flip side, FI's mom is atheist but his dad is somewhat religious. Like for important meals he likes to say a prayer before we eat. I'm 100% respectful of it and bow my head and whatnot, but I always feel really awkward and uncomfortable because my family never prayed over meals so I have no idea what to do. I also felt like a weird inappropriate interloper who had no business being there when I went to church with them for xmas eve. (Doesn't help that I was raised Jewish so it was extra weird for me, but I still enjoyed the sense of community they had there, and how friendly everyone was). 

I respect and appreciate that he's religious and I would absolutely never tell him that prayers and church make me uncomfortable, but that's not a way I could live my day-to-day life. I think if FI wasn't atheist, it just wouldn't work. 

katiekessler123

My husband is an atheist and I'm Catholic.  We respect each other's opinions and it's truly never been an issue between us.

VulgarGirl

Cussing! They have to be ok with cussing. Cause if not they can just fuck right the fuck off and go fuck themselves. 

LabLove86

@thisismynickname I was thinking the same thing - about how some of us have opposite deal breakers. I think its very intriguing. 

It is also making me thing - Fi is an atheist. I consider myself agnostic. However - I agree more with Fi's point of view on religion/science/whatever - and when I have dated religious (even mildly religious) guys in the past it always ended up being a point of contention. Maybe I'm more of an atheist than I thought . . . . 

thisismynickname2

Right, it's about day to day living  ROFL to believing in the devil; not funny when it's actually happening but funny in retrospect. 

I was with a guy for 3 years that had opposite political and religious views, though he was raised the same as I was. For a long time we were happy just "discussing" things, which was great for conversation and really interesting, but over time it turned into arguments. The line was crossed when he said that people who believe in God are stupid. He truly saw no logical way to believe in God, so I was heated. I was all, "It's about faith, and people all over the world who choose to have faith in something other than this physical world are not stupid." Death knell to the relationship. Deal breaker alert! People are different from each other and always will be, and that's a beautiful thing. Don't put someone down because they're different. Ack! I'm on a rant. < end rant >

KatWAG

katiekessler123 said:

My husband is an atheist and I'm Catholic.  We respect each other's opinions and it's truly never been an issue between us.

LabLove86

thisismynickname said:

Right, it's about day to day living  ROFL to believing in the devil; not funny when it's actually happening but funny in retrospect. 

I was with a guy for 3 years that had opposite political and religious views, though he was raised the same as I was. For a long time we were happy just "discussing" things, which was great for conversation and really interesting, but over time it turned into arguments. The line was crossed when he said that people who believe in God are stupid. He truly saw no logical way to believe in God, so I was heated. I was all, "It's about faith, and people all over the world who choose to have faith in something other than this physical world are not stupid." Death knell to the relationship. Deal breaker alert! People are different from each other and always will be, and that's a beautiful thing. Don't put someone down because they're different. Ack! I'm on a rant. < end rant >

I love that so hard. Seriously - its great.

ETA - I agree - it really boils down to respecting each other

ashley8918

katiekessler123 said:

My husband is an atheist and I'm Catholic.  We respect each other's opinions and it's truly never been an issue between us.

Do you have/plan to have kids? How will you raise them? I would never be okay with my kids being raised catholic, so I could never be with someone who would insist upon that.

KatWAG

ashley8918 said:

katiekessler123 said:

My husband is an atheist and I'm Catholic.  We respect each other's opinions and it's truly never been an issue between us.

Do you have/plan to have kids? How will you raise them? I would never be okay with my kids being raised catholic, so I could never be with someone who would insist upon that.

In addition to all of this, are you getting married in a Catholic church? Are you okay with your fi standing up there and making fake promises.

If you aren't getting married in a church, are you okay with abandoning the Holy Sacraments?

katiekessler123

We aren't planning on having kids.  

However, if we did, I think the topic would be up for discussion.  I am not against NOT baptizing my children.  I feel like people should grow up and make their own choices.  I wasn't raised in a particularly religious house.  I was baptized later in life on my own volition. 

novella1186

thisismynickname said:

Right, it's about day to day living  ROFL to believing in the devil; not funny when it's actually happening but funny in retrospect. 

I was with a guy for 3 years that had opposite political and religious views, though he was raised the same as I was. For a long time we were happy just "discussing" things, which was great for conversation and really interesting, but over time it turned into arguments. The line was crossed when he said that people who believe in God are stupid. He truly saw no logical way to believe in God, so I was heated. I was all, "It's about faith, and people all over the world who choose to have faith in something other than this physical world are not stupid." Death knell to the relationship. Deal breaker alert! People are different from each other and always will be, and that's a beautiful thing. Don't put someone down because they're different. Ack! I'm on a rant. < end rant >

The guy I dated in college sounded the Death Knell when their was an incident about Judaism. I still consider myself Jewish (cultural Jew) and I don't take it very well when someone says something discriminatory. 

A group of us went to brunch. Guy's friend made a comment "Oh look the Jew is eating bacon! Now I've seen everything!" in regards to me eating bacon. (Thinking Jews can't eat bacon is super ignorant and annoying to me. Only KOSHER Jews avoid bacon, and only about 23% of Jews in the US are genuinely kosher, but I digress) 

We leave the restaurant, and one of my best friends who is like a brother to me, and is also Jewish, made a comment that the Guy's friend's comment pissed him off. He wasn't super angry or ranting about it or anything, just more like, "Well that was a bullshit thing for him to say." 

Guy jumped in and said my best friend needed to relax. Guy's friend's comment wasn't even offensive and my best friend was over-reacting and getting carried away. Best friend then tries to explain how hard it is to be Jewish and hear shit like that all the time, and it's offensive. Guy continues to tell best friend that he's wrong and acting like a bitch. The argument gets heated. Best friend tries to explain that Guy has no understanding of what it's like to be a minority because he's never been one, and he should just leave this issue alone if he doesn't understand. The argument got REALLY heated. I thought they would start throwing punches. 

Later when it was just me and Guy, he got shitty with me, saying best friend had been way out of line, and making fun of a Jew for eating bacon was no big deal. Best friend and I were both being stupid for even caring about it. 

That was the end of that relationship. 

You don't have to understand what it's like to be a particular minority to be respectful and not a total piece of shit. 

[Deleted User]

sophhabobopha

ashley8918 said:

katiekessler123 said:

My husband is an atheist and I'm Catholic.  We respect each other's opinions and it's truly never been an issue between us.

Do you have/plan to have kids? How will you raise them? I would never be okay with my kids being raised catholic, so I could never be with someone who would insist upon that.

Me neither.

holyguacamole79

katiekessler123 said:

We aren't planning on having kids.  

However, if we did, I think the topic would be up for discussion.  I am not against NOT baptizing my children.  I feel like people should grow up and make their own choices.  I wasn't raised in a particularly religious house.  I was baptized later in life on my own volition. 

Out of curiosity, are you having a Catholic wedding?

My first boyfriend was an atheist (I was out of college at the time).  It was so hard because I knew what I wanted in a husband and knew that I wanted someone with whom I could share my faith.  Looking back, our personalities meshed better than other guys I dated.  Or maybe I look back on him with rose-colored glasses because he was my first love.  We're still FB friends and are both happily married.  I just knew from then on that I needed someone that had the same faith as I do.

ashley8918

pinkrevenge said:

thisismynickname said:

Isn't it funny how so many of us actually have some opposite deal breakers? I know most here have listed conservative and religious as deal breakers, but liberal and atheist are deal breakers for me. I tried in the past to meet and date people with different world views than mine, and it ended not well. Why? The ultimate deal-breaker: narrow minded.

Opposite can attract, and attract well, if both people are open minded. It's ironic that I saw being narrow minded is a deal breaker and then list liberal and athiest as deal breakers (shouldn't I be open minded?), but that's because this is a wedding site, and the person I had to marry and be with the rest of my life, well, life's just easier not arguing over politics and holidays. So sue me.

Well it's how I feel. I'm not saying you shouldn't be religious / conservative, but I am saying that they're pretty big aspects of a life together, and for the sake of not being in debates all the damn time, I would just prefer to be with someone like-minded. Just like how I can't compromise on kids. It's not like I can be half-pregnant.

Same. I mean, H is *technically* religious in that he was raised catholic and now believes in the possibility of God. But anything more substantial than that and it would never work. I'm not interested in constant debate in my relationship.

katiekessler123

We're already married.  We did have a Catholic ceremony (not a full mass, though).  This is a complete oddity, I realize, but we were married by a very close family friend who is a priest.  This is someone we have over for dinner and is involved in our lives.  There was no lying involved in any of our marriage preparation through the church.

I realize there's a lot of resistance to this idea among others, but all I can say is it works for us.  We don't have constant debates, we're open to each other's opinions and we don't push our opinions on each other, either.

We fairly like minded in most other ways, though.

SmileDamnit

I don't have a ton of deal breakers that are tied to tastes (music, cars, clothes, food, etc.) &/or physical stuff (hair, height...though I'm almost 6' so I prefer a taller dude. Oh, and chronic bad breath might actually be a deal breaker). I don't even really care about political affiliation or religious preferences.

Most of mine relate to characteristics. I can't stand constant negativity or learned helplessness. Dogmatism & extreme insecurity (e.g. jealousy) drives me nuts. Lying, cheating, abuse fall into the zero tolerance category. Inability to laugh at oneself and life in general wouldn't bode well. Lack of responsibility, both personal & financial wouldn't fly. 

And must like Gus. Don't like Gus? I don't like you.

[Deleted User]

bethsmiles

SmileDamnit said:

I don't have a ton of deal breakers that are tied to tastes (music, cars, clothes, food, etc.) &/or physical stuff (hair, height...though I'm almost 6' so I prefer a taller dude. Oh, and chronic bad breath might actually be a deal breaker). I don't even really care about political affiliation or religious preferences.

Most of mine relate to characteristics. I can't stand constant negativity or learned helplessness. Dogmatism & extreme insecurity (e.g. jealousy) drives me nuts. Lying, cheating, abuse fall into the zero tolerance category. Inability to laugh at oneself and life in general wouldn't bode well. Lack of responsibility, both personal & financial wouldn't fly. 

And must like Gus. Don't like Gus? I don't like you.

Learned helplessness is so frustrating! SO's brother is the king of learned helplessness and his parents really enable it by constantly feeding to his idea that there are all these basic adults things he can't do by himself. Yes, he fucking can if you step back and make him do it on his own. His brother is a great guy but it drives me up the wall how ridiculously helpless he feels he is. Figure out how to be an adult!

VulgarGirl

I don't think I could've been with someone who was devoteely religious. I have devout friends and I can respect their devotion. Hell I can even admire it. But...it's not me. It'd be like me dating someone who had a problem with tattoos. Doesn't compute. 

But...I also need to be with someone who is open to the idea of "something bigger". I don't give a shit what you call "something bigger". And I don't need someone to believe in it, just be open to the idea of it. 

Wifey grew up more religious then I did. Religion was...funky in my house. My dad is a lapsed catholic, my mom is a agnostic with some pagan beliefs, step-mom1 (dad's wife) was raised Lutheren and now attends a UU church, and step-mom2 (mom's wife) was raised jewish and is now wiccan. Fucking hell, right? Wifey was raised Catholic. So was her mom and so was her dad (though he's lapsed now). 

Wifey likes attending church, she finds comfort in it and is better able to connect with her version of a higher power. She's kind of iffy on the whole religion thing as a whole. She likes the concept of God, but figures it's been bastardized by man pretty damn well. But still, she likes church.

I get very little out of church. I like saying hi to people and I like all the singing. If the talk (sermon I'm told this is called) is good or uplifting I like that. But I don't feel any connection to anything bigger than me. But when I go out in nature (a park, a hike no camping I don't camp) I get that connected to something bigger than me feeling.

Wifey wants to take our kid to church occasionally. But mostly she wants to let the kid decide religion for themselves. And I'm pretty on board with that.

minttobemrsb

pinkrevenge said:

Picky eaters. My sis dated a guy who ate his steak right, but had made it to his twenties without every trying a strawberry or a grape.
If it didn't come off an animal (and only the right animals, chicken, pork and beef) he was against it. I couldn't stand his shit after two meals, I don't know how she dated him longer than that.

My FI is the pickiest eater I've ever known. Strictly a meat and potatoes kind of guy. He will try just about anything I give him, but he genuinely hates 90% of it. I have been able to introduce him to foods he "thought" he didn't like because he never grew up eating them. Whatever makes him happy. That just means I don't have to share my fruit/veggie smoothies with anyone. 

lnixon8

If he is not nice/respectful to people/creatures he deems "under" them. Kids, animals, but most of all people in the service industry (easiest to see in early dating stages). 

ETA: clairty

holyguacamole79

@magicink - just curious, when you say wifey likes to go to church, does she go to a Catholic one or other denomination?

VulgarGirl

holyguacamole79 said:

@magicink - just curious, when you say wifey likes to go to church, does she go to a Catholic one or other denomination?

We go to a non-denominational church. She's a lapsed Catholic too. 

Whole bunch of lapsed Catholics hanging around me...

buttercup1958

I guess height can be objective! In my family everyone besides me and my aunt bonnie is at least 5'8. So I grew up with being referred as short. V is shorter than most of my family as well. We do have a small stool to reach stuff in our apartment since the cabinets are kinda high. I never think about it much unless we are in a restaurant. We can take naps in the booths and it's almost impossible to reach across the table. Maybe we are just small ha. I can see why some people may say being tall/short is a deal breaker. I mean my aunt bonnie is 5'0 and her husband is 6'2. It seems like a pain in the ass to kiss. I will say V is perfect size for me!

holyguacamole79

MagicInk said:

holyguacamole79 said:

@magicink - just curious, when you say wifey likes to go to church, does she go to a Catholic one or other denomination?

We go to a non-denominational church. She's a lapsed Catholic too. 

Whole bunch of lapsed Catholics hanging around me...

That's what I figured.  I saw you said lapsed Catholic earlier, so I wasn't sure.  I just know some lapsed Catholics who sometimes go back just to be reconnected with something they once knew.

STARMOON44

Smoking. Drugs. Guns. Not okay with me being religious. Lazy. Unkind. Spineless. Ignorant.

charcoalandblush

- Doesn't want kids

- Anti-vaccine

- Certain conservative political opinions (mostly social justice issues - being anti-choice or anti-gay marriage would be two big ones)

- Believes that Fox News is a credible news source (stealing this from a PP, this is excellent)

- Not a feminist

- Drives an obnoxiously large vehicle (F250, hummer, etc.)

- Racist/Sexist/Abelist/basically any discriminatory viewpoint

- Not supportive of my career and/or expects me to be a SAHM (I broke off an engagement over this)

ETA a few more:

- Extremely religious/not OK with me not being religious at all (I think I'm functionally agnostic, but I don't know all of the labels exactly)

- Doesn't love animals/isn't ok with having a ton of pets

- Doesn't let me have my own friends (also a problem in the aforementioned broken engagement)

KatWAG

charcoalandblush said:

- Doesn't want kids

- Anti-vaccine

- Certain conservative political opinions (mostly social justice issues - being anti-choice or anti-gay marriage would be two big ones)

- Believes that Fox News is a credible news source (stealing this from a PP, this is excellent)

- Not a feminist

- Drives an obnoxiously large vehicle (F250, hummer, etc.)

- Racist/Sexist/Abelist/basically any discriminatory viewpoint

- Not supportive of my career and/or expects me to be a SAHM (I broke off an engagement over this)

ETA a few more:

- Extremely religious/not OK with me not being religious at all (I think I'm functionally agnostic, but I don't know all of the labels exactly)

- Doesn't love animals/isn't ok with having a ton of pets

- Doesn't let me have my own friends (also a problem in the aforementioned broken engagement)

YES! How could I forget that.