Chit Chat
Options

Needy Fiance

So we've been engaged for 8 months, no wedding plans at all, planing on moving in together (we are repairing a house I bought a year ago).

So my fiance is needy 110% of the time, I compare his attitude to a child pretty much. He always wants what he wants, if he is wrong he'll get details out of nowhere to seems his idea believable etc. He gets easily cranky if he doesn't sleep, eat or get something he wants (not necessarily has to do with us).  

I am very giving, I tend to overcompensate and even though I do it with all my heart and love not wanting anything back, a deep part of me expects him to want to return the love and spoil me the same way I do. And I don't know how in a way I feel hurt that he doesn't seem to care if he is attentive or not.

Sometimes I get this stupid idea stuck in my head that "I probably don't deserve to be spoiled", and after this my mind starts a battle between why he should and why he shouldn't which makes me very sad.

I have talked to him about how I feel and he says that I am lacking love from my family (my relationship with my mother is not great), and that I expect him to fill the gap. 

What do you guys think? Am I overthinking stuff? Has anyone else been through this?
«13456

Re: Needy Fiance

  • Options
    It sounds like you're not as in love as you think you are. Maybe he's not the one?
  • Options
    luckya23luckya23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2015

    This reminds me so much of my ex, between his needs always coming first, him never being wrong and ESPECIALLY that if I had any issue it could somehow be traced back to being my mother's fault. 

    Time for the heave-ho. Sorry!

     

    ETA: My last engagement was a trying period of reflection on the relationship, so don't feel like this is abnormal.  You are SUPPOSED to keep evaluating to make sure you can commit to this person for life!  A lifetime can feel way too long stuck with the wrong person.  Leaving him later won't be easier.

    image

    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

  • Options
    Why do you want to marry someone you describe as a needy child?


  • Options
    Are you willing to be married to him, acting this way for the rest of your life??  If you are, then happy planning.  If not, then you need to take a serious look at what you want and need from a relationship.  I spoil my DH, but he spoils me too.  You should be there to support him, but he needs to do the same for you, and this currently sounds very one sided.  

    He will not change without a lot of talking and working on it, and he needs to want to work on it for that to happen.  You need to decide if you are ok with him not changing.  If not, he may not be the best fit for you.  

  • Options
    I agree with all the PPs that say run.

    And run like you are on fire.

    image
  • Options
    I think that everyone can fall into being needy at times depending on what's going on in their life or their mood etc. The thing that's crappy about your situation is that when you express your need for some of the same treatment that you're giving him, instead of listening and trying to meet your needs, he dismisses them and still asks you to give. 

    My FI (and I also) definitely have bouts of neediness. Most recently because his work is so demanding this year, he sort of fell into a rut where he wasn't participating as much in our daily life (scheduling things, remembering what needs to be done as far as chores) basically looking for me to take the lead on everything. I was ok with stepping up to the plate for a while, but I did sit down with him and have a serious talk about, while I'm ok with this now because I know there's a reason for it, I don't want to be the only one steering the ship for the rest of our lives. He took the time to hear me and understand my point of view. And has since made huge strides in taking a lot off of me, because he understands that I don't want to feel like the only one making an effort in this respect. 

    So, long story short, some people are babies sometimes. I am, for sure. I get cranky if I don't sleep enough, I like things my way, etc. So does FI. But, the real deciding factor is, is your FI willing to see the error of his ways when you discuss it and take your feelings and needs into account? If he continues to just dismiss it then I would reconsider a marriage. It should be a give and take on both ends. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options
    MsMoraga said:

    So we've been engaged for 8 months, no wedding plans at all, planing on moving in together (we are repairing a house I bought a year ago).


    So my fiance is needy 110% of the time, I compare his attitude to a child pretty much. He always wants what he wants, if he is wrong he'll get details out of nowhere to seems his idea believable etc. He gets easily cranky if he doesn't sleep, eat or get something he wants (not necessarily has to do with us).  

    I am very giving, I tend to overcompensate and even though I do it with all my heart and love not wanting anything back, a deep part of me expects him to want to return the love and spoil me the same way I do. And I don't know how in a way I feel hurt that he doesn't seem to care if he is attentive or not.

    Sometimes I get this stupid idea stuck in my head that "I probably don't deserve to be spoiled", and after this my mind starts a battle between why he should and why he shouldn't which makes me very sad.

    I have talked to him about how I feel and he says that I am lacking love from my family (my relationship with my mother is not great), and that I expect him to fill the gap. 

    What do you guys think? Am I overthinking stuff? Has anyone else been through this?


    STUCK IN THE BOX:

    To the bolded: This is lying.  "Getting details out of nowhere" to strengthen his position in an argument hints to me that he is a liar.  That is a very unattractive trait and would be a dealbreaker for me.  

    Agree with PPs, you deserve better treatment than this. I would think long and hard if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with and potentially raise your children should you choose to become parents.  He sounds like he lacks character and has questionable values - neither of which makes a great husband/father/person.

    Good luck, OP I'd run if I were you.  No kidding.  
  • Options
    He sounds like my ex. Run away. 

    As others have said, everyone can be a little needy every once in awhile and relationships ebb and flow. But that's not what you're describing. Seriously, get out now. 
    image
  • Options
    You are not overthinking this, and in fact you should really think about this further... someone who does not take your feelings seriously and places the blame back on you for feeling that way is not someone I would ever marry.  And in just looking at your previous posts, this doesn't seem to be a positive relationship.

    There's a huge difference between getting into a mood or having a period of neediness.  But 110% of the time, no thanks. 
  • Options
    blabla89blabla89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    You are not over-thinking. Your feelings are valid. You absolutely deserve to be in a healthy, successful relationship. If you have reservations, don't move forward with getting married. I'm not going to say run away right now, but I strongly suggest that take some time (without your FI's involvement) to think long and hard about what your future with this guy will look like. Can you keep being his mommy for the next 60 years? At the very least, you should go to couples counseling so that you both can learn healthy, appropriate patterns of behavior. The bottom line is: better a broken engagement than a miserable marriage or divorce.

    At one time I was in a long-term relationship with a manchild who I thought I wanted to marry. He was so needy, and he always did the making up details thing. Years later I sometimes think back to little things he told me and realize they were all lies, and feel like an idiot for believing all that. I'm going to take a wild guess and ask if your FI also has a jealous streak? I was convinced that I loved this guy, and deep down, constantly catering to him fulfilled some need to feel needed, but it was an unhealthy cycle for both of us. Ending that relationship was one of the best things I've ever done for my own well-being. After the initial sting of the breakup passed, it felt like a huge weight lifted off of me.

    ETA: missing words

    ETA again: From one woman with a "caretaker" personality to another, let me say this: YOU DO YOU. You are responsible for your own well-being, and you do what you need to do for yourself. Likewise, your FI is responsible for his well being. You are not. You can't fix everything for him, and you can't fix him.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • Options
    I agree with everything that all the PPs have said. Your post does not bode well for the health and longevity of your future marriage.

    I also know that sometimes when you're angry or upset you can write things that sound very negative and don't accurately depict the situation. It's possible that you've had a change of heart since you wrote this and you CAN think of his positive attributes and reasons why you don't want to end this relationship (beyond just feeling the need to be with someone).

    If this is the case then I still STRONGLY encourage you to do couples counseling because these things you describe will eventually tear you apart and it's best to address them asap so you can honestly see if this is going to work or if you need to just move on with your life. Maybe some individual counseling would help you too, to address why you "don't deserve to be spoiled".
  • Options
    In general, I do think men are a bit more "needy" than women, but with that said, your fiancé sounds like a bit of a jerk.  Your feelings are valid and he needs to be supportive with you, just like you are with him.  Just imagine when something REALLY goes wrong in your life, like you lose a job, have major financial hardships, your child gets sick, or someone you love dies...your fiancé/husband is the person you will rely on for support.  But, it sounds like your partner will not be that person for you...I would seriously think about this before entering into a marriage with him! 
  • Options
    Everyone can be needy sometimes. Everyone needs to be spoiled sometimes. Notice I said everyone; that includes you. This sounds like a one sided relationship.

    You already seem like you don't want to marry him. Ask yourself, why do you want to marry him? That should be an easy question to answer. If it's not, then you have your answer. It's time to move on.

  • Options
    You deserve to be spoiled, OP. You deserve to get as much love as you give. Stop thinking that there's a possibility that you're not worthy. That's total bullshit. 

    I was in a relationship with a guy who seems very similar to your fiance. I tried really hard to make it work, but he didn't try at all. Telling him about how I felt never changed anything. Discussing our relationship and our issues never changed anything. Getting upset definitely never changed anything. I finally realized he was never going to change, and I was never going to be happy, and it was time to go. Ending the relationship lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. There was absolutely no way I could spend my whole life taking care of him, catering to him, constantly giving and getting nothing back, listening to him whine and complain, etc. No fucking way. That is not a happy life. 

    I think you need to put marriage plans on hold, take a step back, and reevaluate if it's really possible for you to have a happy life with this man. Don't worry about what he wants or needs. What do YOU want? What do YOU need? 
    image
  • Options
    It sounds as though you are starting to resent him now, before you even live together - that's not going to get better, it's going to get worse.  You've got some serious thinking to do - as PPs have said, you 1000% deserve to have your needs met - the one-sided thing doesn't work. 
    image


  • Options
    So you are with a guy who is very needy, acts like a child, and doesn't give/add anything to the relationship?  Sounds like a keeper.

  • Options
    lolo- It's just my opinion.  That's why I said "I think".  Not sure if you're being serious or not, but that was a little over the top!
  • Options
    lyndausvi said:

    My DH can be a little needy at times.  I call him a man-child sometimes.  He has a bad gout attack right now and geez.  He is such a winey baby.   


    He is not the most romantic person either.    Well not in the hollywood sense.  

    That said, DH doesn't need to be told when to be more attentive.  He is the first to run home with whatever to make me feel better.  It's not his way or the highway.  Somedays it's what I want, others it what he wants.

    At no time have questioned his love for me.


    Now I have been in relationships that have been 1 sided before.    I just let myself be a doormat.   Too scared to be alone to I just dealt with it.  Finally broke up and I started living again.  I was so much happier being alone then being in a 1 sided relationship.

    All relationships have Ebb and Flo times.   That is just part of life.  What you are describing is not that though.  Nope, you are describing a relationship that has run it's course.   

    There is a lid for every pot.  I don't think he's your lid.



    I loved everything about Lynda's post, which is why I'm copying it for you to hopefully read again OP.

    Lynda - I think the bolded is an adorable analogy!  And it's better than Phoebe's lobsters from Friends!

  • Options
    Sounds to me like you know you don't want to marry this guy.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Options

    That is my opinion.  Feel free to look up the word opinion in a dictionary.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards