Just feeling a little bummed

lembaslover

First I want to say that I know it's not expected of anyone to throw me a shower and that's fine. Kind of a bummer though I mean I feel like there are a bunch of people who I helped throw showers for or will when they get engaged and I guess no one feels the same about me but hey that's life I guess. The real reason I'm feeling so bummed is I just talked to my mom who asked if my MOH is throwing me one and I know the answer is no. Honestly I picked the wrong person to be MOH but now it's done and all she needs to do is show up so that's fine. We were best friends but since we both moved it's been hard and I've tried very hard to keep in touch and see her and none of that has been reciprocated. I thought asking her to be MOH would help her realize how much I care about her but clearly it hasn't as she doesn't respond to texts or calls for weeks if she does at all... I had asked if she was free this summer so I could see her again before the wedding and all she said was no. I'm not going to kick her out I want the opposite to be closer. I just don't understand why she would even say yes when she clearly doesn't care about me the way I care about her. So I'm not really asking for advice just kind of feeling depressed today and wanted to vent.

MesmrEwe

Ask someone else to be a MOH instead (yes, you can have multiple ones!!)... Ask the one who you were going to have as a MOH if she wants to back out because it sounds like she might if she's giving you that much of a cold shoulder...  There's a communications breakdown overall it seems.  I understand you realize the only thing she HAS to do is show up to the wedding the day of, but really, there's more to it.  A guest is there to just show up, wedding party is different in the sense that these are suppose to be the people you can call on when times are rough, wedding not withstanding.  Whether you want there to be a relationship there which she isn't is something you've got to come to terms with and mourn the loss so you can move on.  People oftentimes forget that what you mean to someone else isn't the same as they may mean to you, and that's what oftentimes makes it hurt so much.  You never know, she may want to be in the wedding but not a major role in it, or be a guest and just show up and have fun.  Get the lines of communication opened back up and let things take their course instead of trying to cover for something that may or not be the there.  Chances are your Mom was asking so she could possibly throw a shower if no one else was.  This is o.k. in today's society for the Mom to host the shower... 

Blue_Bird

MesmrEwe said:

Ask someone else to be a MOH instead (yes, you can have multiple ones!!)... Ask the one who you were going to have as a MOH if she wants to back out because it sounds like she might if she's giving you that much of a cold shoulder...  There's a communications breakdown overall it seems.  I understand you realize the only thing she HAS to do is show up to the wedding the day of, but really, there's more to it.  A guest is there to just show up, wedding party is different in the sense that these are suppose to be the people you can call on when times are rough, wedding not withstanding.  Whether you want there to be a relationship there which she isn't is something you've got to come to terms with and mourn the loss so you can move on.  People oftentimes forget that what you mean to someone else isn't the same as they may mean to you, and that's what oftentimes makes it hurt so much.  You never know, she may want to be in the wedding but not a major role in it, or be a guest and just show up and have fun.  Get the lines of communication opened back up and let things take their course instead of trying to cover for something that may or not be the there.  Chances are your Mom was asking so she could possibly throw a shower if no one else was.  This is o.k. in today's society for the Mom to host the shower... 

Please don't do this.

If there's one way to let your maid of honor know that things are over, it's to appoint someone to "pick up her slack", not to mention the hurt feelings of second choice MOH.

Why do you feel she was the wrong choice? I hope she's one of your best friends and you didn't choose her in a desperate attempt to make your relationship closer. That never works. I'm sorry that you feel that you two have drifted apart, but that likely would have happened with or without the wedding. It's disappointing not to have something you feel is part of the wedding package, but the good news is, it really isn't. A shower is a bonus, so you really aren't "missing out". There's also a possibility that one may be in the works, but it's not healthy to expect one . For now, I suggest that you carry on as before, and perhaps your friend will come around. After the wedding, perhaps you can talk about how much you miss her. Good luck.

Edited for mobile issues.

mikenberger

MesmrEwe said:

Ask someone else to be a MOH instead (yes, you can have multiple ones!!)... Ask the one who you were going to have as a MOH if she wants to back out because it sounds like she might if she's giving you that much of a cold shoulder...  There's a communications breakdown overall it seems.  I understand you realize the only thing she HAS to do is show up to the wedding the day of, but really, there's more to it.  A guest is there to just show up, wedding party is different in the sense that these are suppose to be the people you can call on when times are rough, wedding not withstanding.  Whether you want there to be a relationship there which she isn't is something you've got to come to terms with and mourn the loss so you can move on.  People oftentimes forget that what you mean to someone else isn't the same as they may mean to you, and that's what oftentimes makes it hurt so much.  You never know, she may want to be in the wedding but not a major role in it, or be a guest and just show up and have fun.  Get the lines of communication opened back up and let things take their course instead of trying to cover for something that may or not be the there.  Chances are your Mom was asking so she could possibly throw a shower if no one else was.  This is o.k. in today's society for the Mom to host the shower... 

The only good advice in here is that it's okay for your mom to host a shower.

Do not appoint another MOH, do not ask the other one to step down. Appointing another MOH is only going to alienate the one you have.

While I understand it's a bummer to not have a shower, you don't have to have a bridal shower to get married. Bridal showers are a recent addition to the wedding menagerie of crap the wedding industry says brides have to have. Enjoy your time being engaged and planning your wedding.

lembaslover

I am not expecting a shower. I said I was a bit bummed because I hadn't really thought about it until my mom asked and I realized it was a definite no. My mom asked in a way which was obvious she isn't doing it kinda like "I hope so and so is doing that". She's a bit pissed at me for not inviting someone to the wedding. My bigger bummer is my MOH. No I don't plan on appointing another one. And it wasn't meant to be a desperate attempt. I thought it would both kind of show her how much she meant as well as maybe give us something fun to plan. We had always talked about being in each other's weddings so I figured it was a good choice. Now that she's basically blowing me off I feel like it probably wasn't.

Heffalump

Agreed that a shower is a bonus, but I'm sorry that you wanted one and it looks like it's not going to happen.

Wedding or not, this sounds like one of those friendships that may be changing over time.  It sucks, but it happens.  I've been dealing with something similar, and it's disappointing, but sometimes, life just happens.  Sometimes you're in different places in your life and you gradually grow apart.

If this is a friendship you really want to save, then instead of hoping that asking her to be MOH (which may be a nightmare for her, if she's heard bridezilla stories from other people or has been MOH/BM for a bridezilla herself) tells her that her friendship means a lot to you...then why don't you just straight up tell her that her friendship means a lot to you?  Maybe you'll get radio silence, maybe nothing will change, or maybe it will spark a conversation that helps bridge the divide. 

Is there anything major going on in her life right now that may be sucking up all her time?  Law school, relationship issues, kid, sick parent, etc.? 

And yes, etiquette-wise it's definitely more acceptable for your mom to host a shower than it once was, but I get the feeling that it's more the friendship you're concerned about, rather than shower hosting logistics.

Loves2dream

Either I am too old to deal with shit or society's idea of communication is changing, boo. There is no way I would have someone like that in my wedding party. MOH or not, I don't need it but before kicking her out of the party, I would sit down with her like an adult and find out what is going on. Why do people make assumptions on other's feelings? What happened to picking up the phone and dialing a number, NOT TEXTING, to ask "Hey, is everything good?" or meeting for a goold old fashion coffee to have a discussion?  

If nothing comes of the conversation, I agree with PP not to appoint a new MOH but who the hell says you have to have one? Just boot her out, move on and get back to enjoying this time before the I do's.