Moms and Maids

FMIL Drama- need to vent. advice?

So my FH's mother was very uninvolved in his childhood. She was in and out of his life and basically his grandparents raised him until he was about 12 and then he had to move in with his aunt because his mom wasn't taking care of him. His mother lies to anyone that will listen to her about all of it and acts like she was the victim of it all, and really just has a problem with lying about anything in general. Since the time I've met my fiance, he has jumped through hoops doing any and everything he can for his mom even though she doesn't reciprocate any of it. I know he's just trying to get that acceptance and love from her that he never had as a child. She has made up lies and stories about not only me, but his aunt and his grandmother. When I would talk to her she would twist around what I said and make me look crazy, no matter how simple the conversation was. (someone that works with her told me the things she was saying, and told me that the girls at the shop thought I was insane before they had met me because of all the stories) I tried to mention this to my fiance, and how I was very hurt by it because I had been nothing but respectful of her, and he got defensive and threw a plate full of food at the wall. Since my fiance already had a strained relationship with her, I let it go. (This happened a few years ago) Since then, we have moved further away from where we lived before and my fiance doesn't talk to her as much, when they do talk it is always him reaching out. I stopped talking to her because every time I did, more stories were formed about me and I was so tired of it. When we moved, it seemed as if everything in my fiance's life improved, he became way more easy going, got a great job and everything in his life over all got better. We got engaged, and when we started planning the wedding my family made a very large contribution and FH's aunt helped with planning as well. We didn't expect anything at all from his mother, but she offered to do the decorations for the reception. She even came over and looked through pictures on the internet with me! A couple of months later she heard from her mother about FH aunt's contribution to the wedding and then FMIL offered to host the rehearsal dinner but said " I dont want "aunt" involved at all, whatever she was going to do lets not do that" We didn't say anything, and his aunt has always been nothing but nice and respectful to us both so we definitely would have never told her never mind we don't want your help! Since then, his mother has backed out, then said she's going to do it and then backed out again. We are at the point where we are going to host the rehearsal dinner ourselves and combine it with what his aunt is doing for the night before the wedding. I'm wondering if anyone has ever been in a situation like this. Any tips? suggestions? My fiance wants me and his mother to have a relationship, but how do you have a relationship with FMIL when your FH has a very strained one with her and all FMIL does is tell lies about you? I recently brought up the topic of the FMIL lying and story telling again to my FH because our relationship has been so great recently and this time he said he would talk to her about it, but I really don't want to cause more of a rift and she will probably just lie her way out of it until FH is tired of dealing with it. What can I do? The topic of parent gifts for the wedding have come up too. Do we get her parent gift?

Re: FMIL Drama- need to vent. advice?

  • edited April 2015
    Thanks for the advice! very helpful!
    I 100% agree that he needs therapy to work through the issues with his mother. I've told him that before and his response was "everyone says that", but getting him to actually go is a different story. Hopefully one day he'll be able to realize he needs it.

    yes, the plate full of food thing was a very scary instance, and his temper has definitely gotten a lot better, he's very calm and laid back now. His overall attitude changed when a little distance was put between them
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Thanks for the advice! very helpful!
    I 100% agree that he needs therapy to work through the issues with his mother. I've told him that before and his response was "everyone says that", but getting him to actually go is a different story. Hopefully one day he'll be able to realize he needs it.

    yes, the plate full of food thing was a very scary instance, and his temper has definitely gotten a lot better, he's very calm and laid back now. His overall attitude changed when a little distance was put between them

    Glad to hear it. Hopefully he'll see that therapy isn't a bad thing. It might help him understand how he can better participate in a relationship with his mother. 

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  • I would probably head for the hills but if you're set on getting through this wedding you're going to have to limit her involvement to somewhere around none. Don't accept any offers because they may not materialize or if they do, will come with serious strings attached. Don't offer any information outside of what is absolutely necessary. Basically, go back to what was working before, polite but limited contact.
    As an aside, you might want to consider having a serious sit down discussion about what role your fiance expects his mother to have in your life down the road, particularly if you're planning on having children.
    Just Married!

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  • spglsp said:

    I would probably head for the hills but if you're set on getting through this wedding you're going to have to limit her involvement to somewhere around none. Don't accept any offers because they may not materialize or if they do, will come with serious strings attached. Don't offer any information outside of what is absolutely necessary. Basically, go back to what was working before, polite but limited contact.

    As an aside, you might want to consider having a serious sit down discussion about what role your fiance expects his mother to have in your life down the road, particularly if you're planning on having children.
    This. As someone who grew up in a family and knew my grandmother (dad's mom) didn't respect my mother,  I know about setting boundaries. The relationship or lack thereof will affect your children and it's caused me to not be close to my grandmother because of how she's treated my mother over the years. Set your boundaries. Be cordial. But let your Fi know you won't be braiding each other's hair on weekends.

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