Inviting people to "crash" our wedding?

flantastic

Sounds like this boils down to making decisions on behalf of other people again. You're staying away from making the decision about when then kid goes to bed, so instead you're making the decision that if the kid goes to bed early, then it's better for that kid if he/she's not invited. You're just taking a different choice away from the parents and making it your own. Why? Why bother getting involved?

[Deleted User]

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theartistformerlyknownas

pinkrevenge said:

YOU CAN'T LEAVE! YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY THANKED!

That would never ever happen at my wedding because before I invite any children* I would thoroughly interview the parents about the day-today routine of their child's lives and give them a series of hypothetical scenarios to see how they would behave on my special day.
And if they didn't get every answer right? CUT. OUT.
Like Hell anyone is going home early and not getting thanked to the absolute FULLEST.


*or old people.

PamBeesly524

God forbid the child grows up not feeling properly "thanked" for his/her role in the wedding or for attending the wedding because his/her parents picked an 8:00 bedtime. Poor kid will be in therapy for years!

** did I do sarcasm font right?!

PrettyGirlLost

scribe95 said:

Wow. I am not following this at all. So if a guest can't stay the entire reception then they aren't invited at all? I mean is this just kids or all guests? Why distinguish between the two?

I'm so confused.

This thread has given me a headache.

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

pinkrevenge said:

Jen4948 said:

peachy13 said:

Jen4948 said:

I guess this is a good reason why one should not have small children in one's ceremony who one or the children's parents don't want to attend the reception-someone has to babysit them later.

That said, if these people aren't actually being invited to your wedding, I don't see that you owe them hospitality, but cake and non-alcoholic drinks would be a nice gesture.

When FI and I got engaged, his sister and I decided together to have him be the ring bearer, and that was like a year and half ago when he was a newborn. It was totally her decision to ask her sister in law to pick him up after dinner and I know she's really excited to a) have her son be part of a family wedding and b) party later with the grown-ups. Her sister in law Amy is a peach and loooves the kid just as much as we all do and I know she doesn't mind babysitting -- her and her fiance are cool people and that was why I wanted to invite them in for a refreshment during their long journey.

Thank you all for the good advice! I love @thisismynickname 's wording.

I'm still not a fan of having infants and toddlers as ring bearers and flower girls, partially for this reason-regardless of how much of a "peach" one is or how much one loves the kid.  All of one's wedding guests are supposed to be invited to the reception, including one's wedding party members.

The kid IS invited to the reception, the parents just want him to go home a bit early.
What are you, the guest wrangler? Making the guests stay or GOD HELP THEM!

YOU CAN'T LEAVE! YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY THANKED!

(Pretend that says "thank" instead of "love")

Kahlyla

There's so much I don't understand here. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

madamerwin

scribe95 said:

Wow. I am not following this at all. So if a guest can't stay the entire reception then they aren't invited at all? I mean is this just kids or all guests? Why distinguish between the two?

Don't worry. No one else understands either.

hellosweetie1015

....damn. This thread was calm the last time I ventured over here. o.0

FWIW, if my sister, with whom I discuss LITERALLY EVERYTHING, had small children, and I chose to invite them to our wedding, there's no way in hell I'd grill her about their bedtime routine. I'd ask her about food because I guarantee her children will be picky little hellions, but I would never ask her if she plans to keep the children at the reception all night. That would be entirely her call, and I would never deign to think I would know better than her when it comes to her children's well-being.

peachy13

hellosweetie1015 said:

....damn. This thread was calm the last time I ventured over here. o.0

FWIW, if my sister, with whom I discuss LITERALLY EVERYTHING, had small children, and I chose to invite them to our wedding, there's no way in hell I'd grill her about their bedtime routine. I'd ask her about food because I guarantee her children will be picky little hellions, but I would never ask her if she plans to keep the children at the reception all night. That would be entirely her call, and I would never deign to think I would know better than her when it comes to her children's well-being.

this was my reaction when I opened up the thread late this morning (after logging out of TK at 5 last night) and seeing 50 something new comments:

madamerwin

hellosweetie1015 said:....damn. This thread was calm the last time I ventured over here. o.0
FWIW, if my sister, with whom I discuss LITERALLY EVERYTHING, had small children, and I chose to invite them to our wedding, there's no way in hell I'd grill her about their bedtime routine. I'd ask her about food because I guarantee her children will be picky little hellions, but I would never ask her if she plans to keep the children at the reception all night. That would be entirely her call, and I would never deign to think I would know better than her when it comes to her children's well-being.
---BOX---

THIS. I do share pretty much everything with my sister, and she does have a child (who will be our flower girl). There is no way I could go to her and start asking a bunch of random-ass questions about her child's routines without her being really suspicious. It's her kid, and it's not my business how she decides to parent. Both my sister and I want my niece at the wedding, but I don't really give a shit what time sister decides niece should leave. Nor is it my place to make decisions about what I think is in someone else's kid's best interest.

There's no way in hell I would not invite niece because she may be leaving early. I actually care so much about her that I would prefer she be there for part of it than not at all. Having my loved ones there is more important than some vision of the perfect reception.

ashley8918

Kahlyla said:

There's so much I don't understand here. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

So far what i've gleaned is that Jen is maybe on bad drugs, and AnnabelleMommy is definitely on good drugs.

SP29

We had our 2 year old neice and 7 year old nephew as our flowergirl and ringbearer.

Normally, they go to bed early on "school" nights (like 8pm for the little one). They eat the food put in front of them, even if they don't necessarily like it all. 

At our wedding, the whole family stayed until 11pm, then left together. Those kids boogied on the dance floor- probably hopped up on sugar from the candy bar (which their parents wouldn't normally let them eat that much candy). Then when they were tired, they all went home.

I am glad we asked them to be apart of our wedding party, and I am glad they came and have no qualms about when they left. 

NowIAmSyp

This is how this thread makes me feel :

kim62015

I guess I am gonna have to univite FI's 90 year old grandma.  She will be having her aide come early to pick her up.

mikenberger

kim62015 said:

I guess I am gonna have to univite FI's 90 year old grandma.  She will be having her aide come early to pick her up.

You tell Grandma not to come back until she can hang with the young crowd.

lyndausvi

hellosweetie1015 said:

....damn. This thread was calm the last time I ventured over here. o.0

FWIW, if my sister, with whom I discuss LITERALLY EVERYTHING, had small children, and I chose to invite them to our wedding, there's no way in hell I'd grill her about their bedtime routine. I'd ask her about food because I guarantee her children will be picky little hellions, but I would never ask her if she plans to keep the children at the reception all night. That would be entirely her call, and I would never deign to think I would know better than her when it comes to her children's well-being.

Can we add that the average mother is NOT going to know the routine of any toddler 6-12 months out.  Kid's routines are forever changing.   Just because at 1.5 years old they do this, doesn't mean at 2 years and 3 months they doing the same.       Sure they can hope it will be whatever, but that doesn't mean it will actually happen.

Heffalump

Jen4948 said:

tfmrserwin said:

No, of course not.  But you're not getting my point, which is, if someone can't give themselves permission to attend the reception or get it from their parents/guardians/whoever is authorized to give it, it really doesn't make sense to me to have them in the wedding-because the reception is their thank-you, along with everyone else's, for being there. 

...

My point is whether they should attend the ceremony if their parents don't want them to attend the reception.  And my opinion that if their parents do not want them to attend the reception, then they should not attend the ceremony, let alone have roles in it, stands.

I mean, yes, the reception is a thank you to your guests, but it's not like it's legally mandated that everyone attend.  There aren't armed guards escorting the guests from the ceremony to the reception, just to make sure no one makes a break for it.

VulgarGirl

Heffalump said:

Jen4948 said:

tfmrserwin said:

No, of course not.  But you're not getting my point, which is, if someone can't give themselves permission to attend the reception or get it from their parents/guardians/whoever is authorized to give it, it really doesn't make sense to me to have them in the wedding-because the reception is their thank-you, along with everyone else's, for being there. 

...

My point is whether they should attend the ceremony if their parents don't want them to attend the reception.  And my opinion that if their parents do not want them to attend the reception, then they should not attend the ceremony, let alone have roles in it, stands.

I mean, yes, the reception is a thank you to your guests, but it's not like it's legally mandated that everyone attend.  There aren't armed guards escorting the guests from the ceremony to the reception, just to make sure no one makes a break for it.


There are Jen's wedding. 

You will be fucking properly thanked goddamn it.

sophhabobopha

MagicInk said:

Heffalump said:

Jen4948 said:

tfmrserwin said:

No, of course not.  But you're not getting my point, which is, if someone can't give themselves permission to attend the reception or get it from their parents/guardians/whoever is authorized to give it, it really doesn't make sense to me to have them in the wedding-because the reception is their thank-you, along with everyone else's, for being there. 

...

My point is whether they should attend the ceremony if their parents don't want them to attend the reception.  And my opinion that if their parents do not want them to attend the reception, then they should not attend the ceremony, let alone have roles in it, stands.

I mean, yes, the reception is a thank you to your guests, but it's not like it's legally mandated that everyone attend.  There aren't armed guards escorting the guests from the ceremony to the reception, just to make sure no one makes a break for it.

There are Jen's wedding. 

You will be fucking properly thanked goddamn it.

Don't you dare leave before cake

madamerwin

MagicInk said: Heffalump said: Jen4948 said: tfmrserwin said:

No, of course not.  But you're not getting my point, which is, if someone can't give themselves permission to attend the reception or get it from their parents/guardians/whoever is authorized to give it, it really doesn't make sense to me to have them in the wedding-because the reception is their thank-you, along with everyone else's, for being there. ...

My point is whether they should attend the ceremony if their parents don't want them to attend the reception.  And my opinion that if their parents do not want them to attend the reception, then they should not attend the ceremony, let alone have roles in it, stands.




I mean, yes, the reception is a thank you to your guests, but it's not like it's legally mandated that everyone attend.  There aren't armed guards escorting the guests from the ceremony to the reception, just to make sure no one makes a break for it.


There are Jen's wedding. 
You will be fucking properly thanked goddamn it.
---BOXES---

After much thought, I think I will hire someone not only to make sure young kids stay for the entire reception, but also to make sure they dance and act cute until the very last song. They have to act happy, too. Because THAT'S what's most important to me at my wedding.

flbride2015

Yeah, that whole argument is crazy. I'm confused.

My daughter was a flower girl, and I had a babysitter with me at the hotel who took her back to the room after dinner. Had my friend decided that my decision to have a sitter meant my daughter could no longer be in the wedding, I wouldn't be able to come either. So what, I don't get to come to the wedding because I don't want my 2 year old to stay up late and get cranky? I mean, I love my kid, but if she's tired, there's a good chance she'll let me and everyone within earshot know. I have to keep her up against my better judgement and let her be miserable to earn a wedding invite? Such weird logic...

Btw, when some of the other guests found out I had a sitter upstairs, they asked if they could send their kids up too (these were people I knew, not random strangers), because the kids were tired and the parents wanted to do some more dancing. Poor little children being forced to leave the reception because they were tired.

 

afox007

Ok so I am going to go tell FI he can't have FSS be the best man anymore. In fact he probably shouldn't even come.

My friend's wedding is a Sunday night, FI and I have work the next day so we probably won't stay til last call. I won't be thanked fully so I guess I shouldn't go. FSS has a bed time thought it is later on weekends. We have no problem with him staying for the reception, but he pointed out he gets cranky at a certain point and also doesn't like being around all our friends when they are drunk. 

HE thinks he should just find a friends house to go to towards the end of the night when he's tired. So apparently since he is planning to leave early we need to just tell him to stay at the friends all weekend since he won't let us thank him properly. 

Cookie Pusher

I'm trying to wrap my head around the logic here, and... it's just not working.

So, hypothetically speaking, if I were to have younger, minor siblings that I wanted to not only invite to attend my wedding but to also participate in it, I can only do so if my parents agreed they would stay for the entirety of the reception. If one or more of the children would need to leave early, I should not invite them to be in or at my wedding. BUT, since we can't break up families, that means I shouldn't have any of my siblings at my wedding... right? Is that what Jen's reasoning would conclude? 

ashley8918

Cookie Pusher said:

I'm trying to wrap my head around the logic here, and... it's just not working.

So, hypothetically speaking, if I were to have younger, minor siblings that I wanted to not only invite to attend my wedding but to also participate in it, I can only do so if my parents agreed they would stay for the entirety of the reception. If one or more of the children would need to leave early, I should not invite them to be in or at my wedding. BUT, since we can't break up families, that means I shouldn't have any of my siblings at my wedding... right? Is that what Jen's reasoning would conclude? 

All signs point to yes. I'm telling you - bad drugs.

paulsenwedding2016

I would just have them come and go, inviting them in for a drink will still leave the parents to be responsible for their child, when they wanted a couple hours off. I didn't read all the other responses but I'm sure it's a pretty good consensus.

laceykeo

Uhm...

I got WAY lost and ended up skimming, so apologies if this is just dropped in the middle of nowhere.


I have a 2.5yo son.

The last wedding we went to, I for damn sure had him picked up early.

He sat nicely through the ceremony.
He ate nicely with everyone else when dinner was served.
He buzzed around the dance floor, burning off the cake he'd politely eaten.

Then became a grotty little whiner because he was getting tired.

He was sunshine and smiles all day, clearly enjoying himself.

It would have been flat-out rotten for me to keep him there longer because he, (this is where I got lost), hadn't yet received the required amount of thanks??

Should I have kept him away from an awesome day because HE DECIDED he wanted to leave the reception and go to bed?

I truly don't see the issue... The kid has been invited to the reception. The kid will attend the reception. The kid will have fun. The kid will go home.

That covers etiquette as far as I can see...

To the OP if you haven't already.
You absolutely don't need to offer these babysitter people anything.
You do not need to invite them to anything.
I think it'd be really kind of you to just drop a "oh, I hear you're driving up to pick up (kid) for the evening. That's so kind of you! Be sure to come say hi and grab a drink while you're there, and a slice of cake while you're at it".