Confused and Disappointed

cl2623

I've been reading forums all over the place and I have found some things interesting and others not so interesting. We are not asking for gifts or registering anywhere. We are financially stable and we have two homes to combine and get rid of stuff. We can buy anything we need. I'm wondering, why do I have to give favors to my guest. We are paying for the wedding. We are inviting them to join in and enjoy our party. Why should I care what kind of invites I send, evites, emails, or printed. I've been seriously thinking about printed. They are trashed. Why would I spend a fortunate or any amount of money on a printed invitation that will go in the trash once its read and placed on their calendar. Why should I care what they think? And please help me understood why there are a bridal shower, lingerie party and bachelorette parties. What's the difference. I would be inviting the same people and they would be spending money for each event? Some of these traditions are just ridiculous. Maybe, I'm just tired of seeing so many brides say, you need to do this or that in following tradition. Does anyone think about the bride and groom and the obscene amount of money that they are spending to host THEIR wedding. Just sayin

NowIamMrsKlein

No one HAS to spend money on their wedding. You host a wedding that is in the budget you set. Even if you have the money to have a huge lavish blowout, you can still plan a cheap budget wedding.

There's no reason to judge a bride and groom based on the money they spent on their wedding. If you don't want to spend the money then don't, but that doesn't mean that the bride and groom that want to spend the money is doing anything wrong either.

mikenberger

cl2623 said:

I've been reading forums all over the place and I have found some things interesting and others not so interesting. We are not asking for gifts or registering anywhere. We are financially stable and we have two homes to combine and get rid of stuff. We can buy anything we need. I'm wondering, why do I have to give favors to my guest. We are paying for the wedding. We are inviting them to join in and enjoy our party. Why should I care what kind of invites I send, evites, emails, or printed. I've been seriously thinking about printed. They are trashed. Why would I spend a fortunate or any amount of money on a printed invitation that will go in the trash once its read and placed on their calendar. Why should I care what they think? And please help me understood why there are a bridal shower, lingerie party and bachelorette parties. What's the difference. I would be inviting the same people and they would be spending money for each event? Some of these traditions are just ridiculous. Maybe, I'm just tired of seeing so many brides say, you need to do this or that in following tradition. Does anyone think about the bride and groom and the obscene amount of money that they are spending to host THEIR wedding. Just sayin

So don't fucking do it. Nobody says you have to do any of those things. The only things that you HAVE to do for your guests is properly host them. You don't have to do anything else. Anything else you feel you have to do (IE: Favors) is self imposed feeling. 

And the bridal showers, bachelorette, engagement etc is not something the couple should be hosting. That is up to someone else to throw. And if they choose to throw it, the couple can decline the party as well. 

You don't have to spend an obscene amount of money for a wedding. Seems like you're in a tizzy over nothing.

SP29

You do not have to give favours- they are never required. Your reception is the thank you to your guests for witnessing your ceremony.

As for invitations- the purpose is to convey information about the event- the who, what, when, and where. Invitations also tell the receiver about the formality of the event, based on how formal and decorative the invitation is. You can do invitations pretty cheap (I got mine for David's Bridal US store online), but they are important to give your guests information. IMO, they should match the formality of the event. 

You care what your guests think because these are your family and friends and you are thanking them for watching you get married. If you don't want to care about what people think- don't invite people. A wedding requires the bride and groom (or two of each!), an officiant and a witness or two. Anything else is bonus- but when you include others there is a basic level of respect that should be provided to your guests.

Please do not confuse this thought- inviting guests and properly hosting them does NOT need to cost an arm and a leg. It also does not mean 5 course meals, towering centerpieces and a raving party at a swanky ballroom. Proper hosting can be cake and punch (at a non-meal time).

All of the parties listed are optional. These parties should only be offered by someone else to be thrown in honour of you, not asked for by the bride. However, even if offered, you may always decline them. 

A bridal shower is to shower the bride (and groom) with gifts to support the upcoming marriage. Usually household gifts. 

A lingerie party- well that's new to me. I assume it's for the honeymoon? but I would never have a separate party for this.

A bacchelorette party is to celebrate the last hurrah as a single woman. Fun had with friends. Sometimes risque things happen (such as lingerie), but depends on the crowd.

Again, none of the above parties are required or need to be accepted.

Well I agree with you there are lots of ridiculous expectations and traditions. Most of them are not required- people just think they are. The only thing required is to properly host your guests if you invite them, which also does not need to be expensive.

TrixieJess

cl2623 said:

I've been reading forums all over the place and I have found some things interesting and others not so interesting. We are not asking for gifts or registering anywhere. We are financially stable and we have two homes to combine and get rid of stuff. We can buy anything we need. I'm wondering, why do I have to give favors to my guest. We are paying for the wedding. We are inviting them to join in and enjoy our party. Why should I care what kind of invites I send, evites, emails, or printed. I've been seriously thinking about printed. They are trashed. Why would I spend a fortunate or any amount of money on a printed invitation that will go in the trash once its read and placed on their calendar. Why should I care what they think? And please help me understood why there are a bridal shower, lingerie party and bachelorette parties. What's the difference. I would be inviting the same people and they would be spending money for each event? Some of these traditions are just ridiculous. Maybe, I'm just tired of seeing so many brides say, you need to do this or that in following tradition. Does anyone think about the bride and groom and the obscene amount of money that they are spending to host THEIR wedding. Just sayin

To the first bolded: We are probably not doing favours. I haven't found anything that I like and they won't be missed.

To the second: I'm not having any of those parties. I don't want a shower, I own enough lingerie to open a VS myself and I don't particularly want a bachlorette. I may do a girl's night out or a movie night in, but it won't be wedding related.

You can spend however much or as little money on your wedding as you want, as long as you PROPERLY HOST your guests. If you don't want to do this, ELOPE. 

Properly hosting doesn't mean bells and whistles, it means food and beverage appropriate for the venue and time of day of the reception. It means a seat for every bum. If you can't or don't want to do this, ELOPE.

ETA: My wedding is coming in under $3500. Half for food and beverages.

PrettyGirlLost

cl2623 said:

I've been reading forums all over the place and I have found some things interesting and others not so interesting. We are not asking for gifts or registering anywhere. We are financially stable and we have two homes to combine and get rid of stuff. We can buy anything we need. Great!  Which also means you can afford to pay for your own vacations, right?  So please do not set up a Honeyfund using the rationale that you guys don't need material, household gifts.  As long as you don't register for anything, your guests will get the hint and give you cash.  I'm wondering, why do I have to give favors to my guest. We are paying for the wedding. We are inviting them to join in and enjoy our party.   Well the favors are a small, added token of Thanks for your guests, in addition to the reception you are throwing for THEM in order to thank them for attending your ceremony and supporting your marriage.  You don't have to have favors, though.  Why should I care what kind of invites I send, evites, emails, or printed. I've been seriously thinking about printed. They are trashed. Why would I spend a fortunate or any amount of money on a printed invitation that will go in the trash once its read and placed on their calendar. Why should I care what they think?   You can do whatever you like as far as invitations are concerned, provided you follow the proper etiquette of inviting peple with their SO's, not splitting up families, etc.  However, I will say that I prefer actual hard copy invitations for events like weddings over Evites.  I post the invitations on my fridge, where I see them all the time, so that I remember to RSVP, have all the pertinent info already printed out and in one place, etc.  Evites seem more casual to me and I often tens to forget about them completely as they get lost in all emails, FB notifications, and other electronic noise I receive every day.  And please help me understood why there are a bridal shower, lingerie party and bachelorette parties. What's the difference. I would be inviting the same people and they would be spending money for each event?

First, you don't host these parties because they are hosted in YOUR honor, so hosting them yourself would be seen as tacky and rude.

Bridal showers are a party meant to help the couple get household items they will need once they start living together.  They arose a long time ago before couples cohabitated before marriage and in a time when couples married much younger and the bride lived with her parents until marriage.

Lingerie showers are not a common thing in my circle.  My mom said they were a thing during the 70's and 80's, but at least in my circle they just aren't really done.  The point is fairly obvious, but I think it's super awkward for your friends and family to be buying you lingerie to wear during sex with your new husband.

Bachlorette parties are supposed to be the "last hurrah" as a single woman.  They can be anything and everything from a bar and club crawl, to a spa day, day at a winery, or a lavish multi day destination hooplah.

If someone offers to host one of these events for you, and you don't want it, you can always decline.  If you do want to have the event, then you as the bride are responsible for providing the host with your guestlist for the party.  You don't have to invite every single woman that you are inviting to your wedding, BUT you can ONLY invite women to pre wedding events that you are inviting to your wedding.  No one else, or it's rude.

Some of these traditions are just ridiculous. Maybe, I'm just tired of seeing so many brides say, you need to do this or that in following tradition.   Certain things, yes, you NEED to do, such as properly host your guests- meaning you pay for and provide your guests adequate food and beverages.  You don't ask your guests to open their wallets at your reception.  You need to have enough seating for everyone at your reception.  Things like that are musts.  Does anyone think about the bride and groom and the obscene amount of money that they are spending to host THEIR wedding. Just sayin  It's not YOUR Day though, not once you invite guests.

cl2623

Thanks Pretty Girl! When I wrote that blog I was very disappointed in some of the things I've read from other brides.We are not asking for cash either. We don't need anything from anyone. We can finance everything ourselves. So, since you told me that they would be assuming cash, why would they assume we want cash when we have not listed any registry or fund. Do we need to state, no gifts, monies etc. I've read that you shouldn't put this on your invite. 

Of course, we plan on properly hosting our reception. We are not asking our guest to provide anything for us except to come and enjoy OUR party. It is not their party. There is not a difference between hosting a wedding reception and hosting a great big party. It is still OUR party, not the guest. This is where I think I've been unconsciously disappointed with responses. It seems that some people think that the party is for the guest and family and I totally disagree, because they are NOT the one's paying for it. It would be different if they were paying for it. If an event specialist host a great big party and invite people to attend (and charge a fee), do you call it their party. And, thanks all for the responses regarding the showers. I saw a post on this. 

My fiance and I are both frugal people. I believe in saving money and preparing for retirement and having money available for vacations and fun things. So, for us, I refuse to spend a huge amount of money on our wedding although we can probably afford to have a big budget. I like the $3500 thing. We are definitely doing a private family and close friends only wedding and may open the reception up for more people. We haven't discussed it yet.Thanks again. 

TrixieJess

cl2623 said:

Thanks Pretty Girl! When I wrote that blog I was very disappointed in some of the things I've read from other brides.We are not asking for cash either. We don't need anything from anyone. We can finance everything ourselves. So, since you told me that they would be assuming cash, why would they assume we want cash when we have not listed any registry or fund. Do we need to state, no gifts, monies etc. I've read that you shouldn't put this on your invite. 

Of course, we plan on properly hosting our reception. We are not asking our guest to provide anything for us except to come and enjoy OUR party. It is not their party. There is not a difference between hosting a wedding reception and hosting a great big party. It is still OUR party, not the guest. This is where I think I've been unconsciously disappointed with responses. It seems that some people think that the party is for the guest and family and I totally disagree, because they are NOT the one's paying for it. It would be different if they were paying for it. If an event specialist host a great big party and invite people to attend (and charge a fee), do you call it their party. And, thanks all for the responses regarding the showers. I saw a post on this. 

My fiance and I are both frugal people. I believe in saving money and preparing for retirement and having money available for vacations and fun things. So, for us, I refuse to spend a huge amount of money on our wedding although we can probably afford to have a big budget. I like the $3500 thing. We are definitely doing a private family and close friends only wedding and may open the reception up for more people. We haven't discussed it yet.Thanks again. 

It is YOUR party FOR your GUESTS to THANK them for coming out to witness your ceremony and vows. If you do not want to do this, ELOPE. Do not invite anyone. It's still a wedding. 

Do not tell people not to get you gifts or money. That is rude. If you do have people at your wedding and they do bring you gifts and/or money, thank them graciously.

ginnybinny17

cl2623 said:

Of course, we plan on properly hosting our reception. We are not asking our guest to provide anything for us except to come and enjoy OUR party. It is not their party. There is not a difference between hosting a wedding reception and hosting a great big party. It is still OUR party, not the guest. This is where I think I've been unconsciously disappointed with responses. It seems that some people think that the party is for the guest and family and I totally disagree, because they are NOT the one's paying for it. It would be different if they were paying for it. If an event specialist host a great big party and invite people to attend (and charge a fee), do you call it their party. And, thanks all for the responses regarding the showers. I saw a post on this. 

What?

Your wedding reception is "your party" insofar as you are throwing it and paying for it.  However, that does not mean the party is FOR YOU.  A reception is to thank your guests for attending the wedding ceremony.  That is why there is absolutely a difference between throwing a "great big party" and hosting a wedding reception.  The purpose of the wedding reception is to serve as a thank-you to your guests. 

lnixon8

cl2623 said:

Thanks Pretty Girl! When I wrote that blog I was very disappointed in some of the things I've read from other brides.We are not asking for cash either. We don't need anything from anyone. We can finance everything ourselves. So, since you told me that they would be assuming cash, why would they assume we want cash when we have not listed any registry or fund. Do we need to state, no gifts, monies etc. I've read that you shouldn't put this on your invite. 

Of course, we plan on properly hosting our reception. We are not asking our guest to provide anything for us except to come and enjoy OUR party. It is not their party. There is not a difference between hosting a wedding reception and hosting a great big party. It is still OUR party, not the guest. This is where I think I've been unconsciously disappointed with responses. It seems that some people think that the party is for the guest and family and I totally disagree, because they are NOT the one's paying for it. It would be different if they were paying for it. If an event specialist host a great big party and invite people to attend (and charge a fee), do you call it their party. And, thanks all for the responses regarding the showers. I saw a post on this. 

My fiance and I are both frugal people. I believe in saving money and preparing for retirement and having money available for vacations and fun things. So, for us, I refuse to spend a huge amount of money on our wedding although we can probably afford to have a big budget. I like the $3500 thing. We are definitely doing a private family and close friends only wedding and may open the reception up for more people. We haven't discussed it yet.Thanks again. 

Don't state anything about gifts... it makes you sound like you are expecting gifts.

More importantly, what issues are you struggling with between the guests day vs. your day, specifically?

Don't invite more people to the reception than are invited to the ceremony. That's rude and goes against your own preference for a small budget wedding. The reception is normally the most expensive part. 

ETA: because i missed something.

aurianna

When given no other guidelines, many guests will give cash, because everyone knows that nearly everyone can use cash for something (be it honeymoon, typical household expenses, or even recouping some cost of the wedding).

You can't say "no gifts" because it makes it sound you'd be expecting gifts otherwise. And it's also bossy to tell someone they aren't allowed to give you a gift if they want to.

Most people going to a wedding bring gifts. You will likely get some cash and maybe even a few boxed gifts. If you truly do not want any gifts, including cash, and you get some anyway, send a nice thank you note and then donate it to charity.



And to repeat PPs... it may be the party you are throwing, but as with any party, a host owes certain hospitalities to one's guest. It is true of any party, that a host should care about the comfort of their guests.
As the host, you do get to choose what kind of party you throw (lavish/simple, what meals are served, what kind of music is played, where it's at, etc etc) but what is never negotiable is HOW it's thrown (keeping all etiquette rules so that all guests are treated well and thanked properly for witnessing your wedding).

cl2623

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Jen4948

cl2623 said:

I've been reading forums all over the place and I have found some things interesting and others not so interesting. We are not asking for gifts or registering anywhere. We are financially stable and we have two homes to combine and get rid of stuff. We can buy anything we need. I'm wondering, why do I have to give favors to my guest. We are paying for the wedding. We are inviting them to join in and enjoy our party. Why should I care what kind of invites I send, evites, emails, or printed. I've been seriously thinking about printed. They are trashed. Why would I spend a fortunate or any amount of money on a printed invitation that will go in the trash once its read and placed on their calendar. Why should I care what they think? And please help me understood why there are a bridal shower, lingerie party and bachelorette parties. What's the difference. I would be inviting the same people and they would be spending money for each event? Some of these traditions are just ridiculous. Maybe, I'm just tired of seeing so many brides say, you need to do this or that in following tradition. Does anyone think about the bride and groom and the obscene amount of money that they are spending to host THEIR wedding. Just sayin

Well, favors are not and have never been required. And most people won't miss them.

The parties you mention are ones that the bride and/or groom don't host. They are held because a third party wants to entertain the bride or groom and their friends and relatives. The bride and/or groom, if they're polite and gracious, don't take part in the planning but accept the gifts nicely. But what type of party it is and the other details are up to the hosts. At most, the bride and/or groom is asked for suggestions about the guest list or if they would like what the hosts have in mind. It would not be polite for the couple to make more specific suggestions about how the party in question should go.

Why should you care about what type of invitation you send? Because invitations serve a very specific purpose: to convey a request from the hosts to the guests to attend a specific occasion, at a specified date, place, and time, of a designated level of formality. If your guests can't even receive your invitations because they don't use the type of invitations you're issuing (say they don't use Evites), they're not going to respond yes, let alone come. Or they might be underdressed because you are having a formal event but used an informal type of invitation.

As for receptions: if you don't want to give one, don't invite any guests at all. Because the minute you invite a single other person to your wedding, you are obligated to host him or her properly with appropriate hospitality immediately afterwards. The ceremony is for you, but the reception is for them, regardless of how much you spend on it. It is not an ego stroke for you. It would be rude to plan it in a way that doesn't take their needs onto account or inconveniences them just because you think it inconveniences you to host them properly, financially or otherwise.

climbingsingle

Jesus. 

You don't have to do any of these things. I didn't register or have a bridal shower. I didn't give out favors. Shit, I didn't even do flowers. Make your wedding whatever you want, as long as you're hosting it properly. If you don't want to spend a lot of money, elope. You have many options. 

You seem really bitter about all of this. Relax and have a margarita, girlfriend. 

KatWAG

climbingwife said:

Jesus. 

You don't have to do any of these things. I didn't register or have a bridal shower. I didn't give out favors. Shit, I didn't even do flowers. Make your wedding whatever you want, as long as you're hosting it properly. If you don't want to spend a lot of money, elope. You have many options. 

You seem really bitter about all of this. Relax and have a margarita, girlfriend. 

Yes.

And what exactly is disappointing about all of this?

NowIamMrsKlein

cl2623 said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

You don't have to worry about this. You invite who you want to invite. Children are often exposed to people drinking, unless they are completely sheltered. And it is not your concern as to make sure the family is comfortable with it. You invite the family, (adults or adults and children). You provide booze (or you dont, its not required). The family can make their own decision as to what they are comfortable exposing their child too. Perhaps they'll come, have dinner, enjoy a dance or two, and then if it starts getting rowdy they will take their kids home. Perhaps they will decline all together. An invitation is not a summons, and not a sentence to stay the entire night. 

lyndausvi

cl2623 said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Really?

My family has kegs at first birthday parties. 

 I don't care if you have kids or not.  We only had my nieces and nephews.    However, alcohol is a silly reason NOT to invite them.  It's just alcohol. It's not like they will be drinking it.

KatWAG

cl2623 said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Holy generalization! I am a mom also, and I am perfectly comfortable with having my kid around beer and wine!

Why don't you let people parent their own children?

TrixieJess

lyndausvi said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Really?

My family has kegs at first birthday parties. 

 I don't care if you have kids or not.  We only had my nieces and nephews.    However, alcohol is a silly reason NOT to invite them.  It's just alcohol. It's not like they will be drinking it.

I think I would like your family birthday parties. Yep, we have booze at family birthday parties too. How else are you supposed to deal with that many children all at once?

aurianna

cl2623 said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Most of these concerns are not etiquette concerns and not things you need to stress over.

You are under no obligation to invite children to your wedding (if they are not invited, they are not your guests, ergo you do not need to worry about hosting them).
Just keep these things in mind:
-Do not put "No Children" / "Adults Only" on the invitation. Just list the names of the people who are invited.
-Don't split up families. If you arbitrarily decide 12+ count as "adult enough" to invite, but you end up inviting a family's 12 and 16 year-old, but not their 8 year-old, you have a problem. Better to stick to an 18 or 21 guideline.
-You don't have to do all-or nothing. If you want to invite kids in the immediate family but not friends' kids / second cousins / whatever, go for it. If you use circles, there are less chances of hurting people's feelings.
-Accept that some people will not come if their children are not invited
-You can't invite kids to just the ceremony and not the reception. It's both or neither


It doesn't matter if your family enjoys kids. You are allowed to invite who you want to your wedding (especially if you are paying).


I think there's some disconnect here on what's required by etiquette and what is being over-accomodating.



Here are some situations:
Food
Etiquette dictates you provide enough food for the time-of day (a full meal if at mealtime)
While it is nice to offer a vegetarian and/or vegan meal and possibly let people know to let you know if they have any food allergies, etiquette does not dictate that you have to find out every one's favorite foods and only offer those. If you love chicken but you don't know if everyone else does, oh well. You're serving chicken.

Seating
Etiquette dictates you have a chair for every butt
Etiquette does not dictate you have to pick everyone's favorite chairs and decorations, or that you have to seat everyone close to the couple and the bar.

Drinks
Etiquette dictates that guests should not open their wallet, so nothing at the bar should cost money.
Etiquette does not dictate WHAT is offered at the bar. If you just want to serve beer and wine and non-alcoholic drinks (or only non-alcoholic drinks) go for it.



Most of the big questions "who to invite", "where to have it", "when to have it", "what to serve" are questions with very simplistic etiquette rules to follow. Most of what is involved IS your own preference, and assuming you are following the basic rules (invite all SOs, appropriate meal time for time of day, no big gaps), you don't have to stress too much about the guests at this juncture of your planning.

redoryx

You sound like an excellent candidate for elopement.

I mean that sincerely.

lyndausvi

TrixieJess said:

lyndausvi said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Really?

My family has kegs at first birthday parties. 

 I don't care if you have kids or not.  We only had my nieces and nephews.    However, alcohol is a silly reason NOT to invite them.  It's just alcohol. It's not like they will be drinking it.

I think I would like your family birthday parties. Yep, we have booze at family birthday parties too. How else are you supposed to deal with that many children all at once?

Story time:

When I was about 6 I was taught how to pour beer out of a tap.    You see, my family was huge and there were only so many seats.  The unofficial rule was "move your feet, lose your seat".   So they adults had the young kids get them beer.  (note - most of my family had kegerators in their homes.  Although mine did not).        Being 6 we liked to "help".

Anyway, being 6 I didn't know you had to be a certain age to drink (it was 18 then).  I knew I could not drink, but I didn't understand my much older 16 year cousin couldn't drink.  His older siblings drank, so he should right?     So my 16 year old cousins would ask me to get them a beer and I did.  Ha.     For some reason the adult never questioned me getting a beer because it was assumed it was for an adult.  Had my 16 year old cousins poured a beer they would make sure it wasn't for themselves.

madamerwin

lyndausvi said:

lyndausvi said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Really?

My family has kegs at first birthday parties. 

 I don't care if you have kids or not.  We only had my nieces and nephews.    However, alcohol is a silly reason NOT to invite them.  It's just alcohol. It's not like they will be drinking it.

I think I would like your family birthday parties. Yep, we have booze at family birthday parties too. How else are you supposed to deal with that many children all at once?

Story time:

When I was about 6 I was taught how to pour beer out of a tap.    You see, my family was huge and there were only so many seats.  The unofficial rule was "move your feet, lose your seat".   So they adults had the young kids get them beer.  (note - most of my family had kegerators in their homes.  Although mine did not).        Being 6 we liked to "help".

Anyway, being 6 I didn't know you had to be a certain age to drink (it was 18 then).  I knew I could not drink, but I didn't understand my much older 16 year cousin couldn't drink.  His older siblings drank, so he should right?     So my 16 year old cousins would ask me to get them a beer and I did.  Ha.     For some reason the adult never questioned me getting a beer because it was assumed it was for an adult.  Had my 16 year old cousins poured a beer they would make sure it wasn't for themselves.

Ha! That's awesome. Smart cousins  

My and FI's families always have alcohol at family parties. And there are always young children. Shockingly, nothing terrible has ever happened at these parties. Having alcohol does not necessarily mean you cannot have children in attendance. FI's 8 year-old nephew fetches beers for us at parties too.

[Deleted User]

tfmrserwin said:

lyndausvi said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Really?

My family has kegs at first birthday parties. 

 I don't care if you have kids or not.  We only had my nieces and nephews.    However, alcohol is a silly reason NOT to invite them.  It's just alcohol. It's not like they will be drinking it.

I think I would like your family birthday parties. Yep, we have booze at family birthday parties too. How else are you supposed to deal with that many children all at once?

Story time:

When I was about 6 I was taught how to pour beer out of a tap.    You see, my family was huge and there were only so many seats.  The unofficial rule was "move your feet, lose your seat".   So they adults had the young kids get them beer.  (note - most of my family had kegerators in their homes.  Although mine did not).        Being 6 we liked to "help".

Anyway, being 6 I didn't know you had to be a certain age to drink (it was 18 then).  I knew I could not drink, but I didn't understand my much older 16 year cousin couldn't drink.  His older siblings drank, so he should right?     So my 16 year old cousins would ask me to get them a beer and I did.  Ha.     For some reason the adult never questioned me getting a beer because it was assumed it was for an adult.  Had my 16 year old cousins poured a beer they would make sure it wasn't for themselves.

Ha! That's awesome. Smart cousins  

My and FI's families always have alcohol at family parties. And there are always young children. Shockingly, nothing terrible has ever happened at these parties. Having alcohol does not necessarily mean you cannot have children in attendance. FI's 8 year-old nephew fetches beers for us at parties too.

Hell, I'm pretty sure that's why my parents HAD me.  Also, to change the channel (I was born before the advent of the remote control.)

lyndausvi

adk19 said:

lyndausvi said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc., trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

Really?

My family has kegs at first birthday parties. 

 I don't care if you have kids or not.  We only had my nieces and nephews.    However, alcohol is a silly reason NOT to invite them.  It's just alcohol. It's not like they will be drinking it.

I think I would like your family birthday parties. Yep, we have booze at family birthday parties too. How else are you supposed to deal with that many children all at once?

Story time:

When I was about 6 I was taught how to pour beer out of a tap.    You see, my family was huge and there were only so many seats.  The unofficial rule was "move your feet, lose your seat".   So they adults had the young kids get them beer.  (note - most of my family had kegerators in their homes.  Although mine did not).        Being 6 we liked to "help".

Anyway, being 6 I didn't know you had to be a certain age to drink (it was 18 then).  I knew I could not drink, but I didn't understand my much older 16 year cousin couldn't drink.  His older siblings drank, so he should right?     So my 16 year old cousins would ask me to get them a beer and I did.  Ha.     For some reason the adult never questioned me getting a beer because it was assumed it was for an adult.  Had my 16 year old cousins poured a beer they would make sure it wasn't for themselves.

Ha! That's awesome. Smart cousins  

My and FI's families always have alcohol at family parties. And there are always young children. Shockingly, nothing terrible has ever happened at these parties. Having alcohol does not necessarily mean you cannot have children in attendance. FI's 8 year-old nephew fetches beers for us at parties too.

Hell, I'm pretty sure that's why my parents HAD me.  Also, to change the channel (I was born before the advent of the remote control.)

Me too!   Luckily there were only 3 networks and a couple UHF channels.   Oddly, we always had something to watch.  Unlike now with 500 channels I'm always saying "there is nothing to watch".     

PrettyGirlLost

cl2623 said:

Thanks Pretty Girl! When I wrote that blog I was very disappointed in some of the things I've read from other brides.We are not asking for cash either. We don't need anything from anyone. We can finance everything ourselves. So, since you told me that they would be assuming cash, why would they assume we want cash when we have not listed any registry or fund.   Because there are really only two types of gifts that can be given at a wedding- an item wrapped up in a box from your registry, or money in the form of cash, a check, or a gift card.  So if I saw that you had no registries, I would give you cash or a check, because typically no registries means "We don't need stuff at this time."  Do we need to state, no gifts, monies etc. I've read that you shouldn't put this on your invite.   No, you never, ever state No Gifts, because it's viewed as presumptuous since a gift is never required and is given at the discretion of your guests.  If your gusts give you cash, just accept it and move on.  I don't know anyone who doesn't need money, lol.

Of course, we plan on properly hosting our reception. We are not asking our guest to provide anything for us except to come and enjoy OUR party. It is not their party.   It is THEIR party.  You are confusing your role as the hosts for whom the party is thrown for.  A reception is a party that you, the bride and groom, host in honor of your guests to thank them for attending your ceremony and supporting your marriage.  They are the guests of honor, you are actually not.  There is not  a difference between hosting a wedding reception and hosting a great big party.   You are correct, when you host a party in your home it's still a party for your GUESTS.  Why else do you throw a party?  You don't throw a party for yourself, right?  You invite other people over for the party, which means technically you are having the party for your guests.  It is still OUR party, not the guest.   Again, YOU are HOSTING the party.  The party is for your guests though.  This is where I think I've been unconsciously disappointed with responses. It seems that some people think that the party is for the guest and family and I totally disagree, because they are NOT the one's paying for it. It would be different if they were paying for it.   No , it wouldn't.  When you host a party for other people, you are supposed to pay for everything anyways.  It's the responsibility of the hosts to pay for the party that they are hosting. .. that's what it means to be the host.  If an event specialist host a great big party and invite people to attend (and charge a fee), do you call it their party.   An event that is organized by a professional promoter and that charges an admission fee is NOT the same as a private party, like a reception.  And, thanks all for the responses regarding the showers. I saw a post on this. 

My fiance and I are both frugal people. I believe in saving money and preparing for retirement and having money available for vacations and fun things. So, for us, I refuse to spend a huge amount of money on our wedding although we can probably afford to have a big budget. I like the $3500 thing. We are definitely doing a private family and close friends only wedding and may open the reception up for more people.   Um. . . you do realize that the reception is the expensive part of the wedding day, right?  It basically costs nothing for the ceremony, but 50%-60% of your total budget should be allocated to the reception for the food and beverage costs.  So it makes no sense to claim to be frugal and want to have a small ceremony, but then a much larger reception.  If you want to limit costs, then you limit the number of guests at both the ceremony AND the reception.  We haven't discussed it yet.Thanks again. 

PrettyGirlLost

cl2623 said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, You don't need to have favors.  Unless they are edible, favors are typically a waste of money and just end up getting thrown out. . . at least in my experience as a guest at 30something weddings.  I never saved the tchotchkes- I only need so many shot glasses, coozies, votive candles, etc with random people's names and wedding dates on them.  trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc.,   This isn't as daunting as a task as you might think, and typically when you contract with a caterer, you set up your contract such that they are responsible for accommodating people with dietary issues.  It's usually pretty simple to choose a vegetarian option to include with your regular menu items, and you and your FI probably have a good idea who in the families, if any, choose not to eat gluten because this thing would have come up at family functions with meals.  Again, it should be simple for your caterer to provide a gluten free option.  It's also pretty easy to ask around each other's families and friends and find out who has shellfish or nut allergies, who is gluten free, etc.  trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them).

1st, if you don't want ti have kids, then don't.  Even if you have kids at your wedding, it's their parents' responsibility to watch them, not yours.  Kids meals are another thing any reputable caterer can offer you as part of your package, and you don't seat kids separately, they are sat with their parents and families. . . so their parents can watch them.

Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. There's no reason you CAN'T have this, even if you choose to invite kids. . .which you don't have to do.  I don't understand why grown adults think kids can't be around dancing and drinking adults.

I only had 5 kids at my 150 person wedding and they are the ones that actually set the party atmosphere amongst.  They are the ones that opened the dance floor early by begging the DJ to switch from cocktail music to dance music, and once the dancing started it went on until the reception ended.   And I had plenty of alcohol at my reception- we actually drank the bar dry of the drinks we had contracted them for and they had to replenish the bar with items that we didn't originally pay for- at no charge!

I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms.  These statements make, literally, no sense.  Children and booze and dancing and party atmosphere are in NO WAY mutually exclusive.  You seem to have some odd hangups about drinking, honestly.  Your 16 and 27 year old are not children, so I don't see what the issue with them being around drinking adults is. . . the 27 year old can legally drink anyways! 

What in the world does "I know moms" mean in the context of this discussion?  You don't think other moms would want their kids to be around alcohol?  Or you know moms to just turn into unabashed lushes who let their kids run free at weddings?

Honestly it just seems like you're in the middle of a Grade A freak out.

Just take a deep breath, everything will be fine.

When is your wedding?  We can help you figure out a timeline of things you need to focus on and prioritize them once we know how long a timeframe we have to work with.

But basically, you need to 1st decide on a budget- what is the minimum you can afford and what is the absolute max you can and are willing to spend?  Keep in mind that 50%-60% of these numbers needs to be allocated to the reception costs- food, beverages, site rental fees, table/chair rental fees, services charges, taxes, tips.

Next you need to eek out a rough guestlist- include everyone, including kids and SO's of anyone in a relationship that you could potentially see you and your FI inviting.  Once you see potentially how many people you are working with, you'll be able to start looking at reception venues and you'll be able to tell if they meet your budget.

thisismynickname2

cl2623 said:

Thanks for asking that questions. I think I'm struggling with providing them with gifts for attending, So skip them, no worries trying to provide a entire variety of food choices to accommodate vegans, gluten free etc.,Do you know a lot of them? Really, there's only so much you can do. We can give more advice if you need it trying to decide on having children at the reception (I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them). Feel free to skip inviting children. Both our immediate families have little ones and enjoy children. Still don't have to invite them if you don't want to. Its just overwhelming right now thinking about all the little things. YES INDEED... Trying to decide on what kind of reception I want to have basically. I really want to have a party like atmosphere, lots of dancing and wine and beer for guest if they want it. Yay, sounds fun! I just want us to have a great time that is dancing and fun activities. Yay, sounds fun! I believe that is the real reason behind my concerns. I want a party for US to enjoy and remember for the rest of our lives. If you throw a good party, your guests will remember it too! I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. Totally not a big deal, honestly. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I can, and do all the time. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. Me too. Moms love to drink and there's always a DD to get them and children home. You're probably overthinking this one. 

photokitty

OP, have you considered eloping? That sounds like an excellent option for you! Why do you want to have a wedding with guests? It doesn't sound like you want to have a wedding and reception. Just elope and save yourself the stress and money. It's not that difficult...

julieanne912

My mom had a lovely wedding 10 years ago, her 2nd marriage, his 3rd.  They printed the invites on their home computer.  Ceremony in their church, and a reception in the church hall afterwards.  They had a lunch/dinner type thing of catered Italian food, that wasn't expensive at all, and a small cutting cake with sheet cakes, again, not expensive.  No alcohol.  No favors.  No fancy decorations, no DJ.

And, it was a lovely wedding. 

If you're feeling all this pressure to host this fantastic party and are worried about what people might say if you don't, then well, don't invite them.  Everyone at my mom's wedding was there because they were happy to see them married, and wanted to celebrate with them.  And, she still managed to host them properly without spending hoards of money.

Heffalump

cl2623 said:

I don't want to worry about having beer and wine and then have children too. I can't see having children around beer and wine. I'm a mom of a 16 and 27 year old. So, I know moms. 

OMG, have you ever been in a restaurant?  Beer and wine and kids, all rolled into one, and the world keeps on going.

cl2623 said:

(I don't want to feel like I have to worry about the kids and what they are doing or not doing and provide separate meals and tables for them)


----------------effing boxes--------------------------


Luckily, you don't have to worry about the kids, or provide separate meals (food, yes; something other than what your other guests are eating, no) or separate tables.  Lucky for you, these kids (presumably) have parents to "worry" about what they're up to and sit with them and everything.  So that's one worry off your list.