Crazy situation

BouxRadley

It honestly just sounds like there wasn't a lot of clear and honest communication prenuptial. Does he seem to care at all how you feel about this situation? I think you need to just sit him down and tell him where your head's at and how you're feeling and why you feel the situation is so wrong. If he still puts her above you, then you've got yourself a case. Because it doesn't sound like the kids are even really his priority, it's all four of them as a unit. Maybe he still sees her as family? Either way. Like PP said, it doesn't sound like he's emotionally divorced from her. 

No matter what happens, it sucks and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. 

P.S. Sometimes you have to create your own miracles. 

OliveOilsMom

spglsp said:

When he and I first started dating he told me they each had lawyers, but because she didn't work and had no money, he was going to have to pay for both of their lawyers. She was also staying at her parents house, and they hated him at the time, so they were influencing her a lot. He told me he feels guilty about the way he treated her when they were married. I told him he was to find a way to work through it, and to forgive himself. He also doesn't want to try for full custody. I think part of it is out of guilt, and he's afraid the kids will hate him for taking their mother away from them. He also reminded me of something tonight. His ex has a sister that also lives with the parents. The sister is very mean to his younger daughter. She calls her names like fat and stupid. H said he witnessed this first hand, and the sister still lives there. From what he told me that's the reason why his ex doesn't want to stay there. If that's true, I don't blame her. If someone were talking to my child like that I wouldn't want to be there either. When he reminded me of that I was tempted to back down, but I didn't. I know the kids love me and feel safe with me. Part of me wants to give in for their sake, but I'm scared to death that it'll be the final nail in the coffin, as far as my marriage goes. With this situation, he and I are hanging on by a thread.

That "pay for her lawyer" thing is just not how it works; you do not pay for your ex's divorce lawyer. I stand by my previous post, he is deeply entrenched and whether that's from guilt or anything else, it does not matter. The kids don't have to stay with some hateful relative, they can stay with you; she can't. If neither of them can prioritize the kids having stable housing over her hurt feelings at not being included, that's also a problem. No one is going to be homeless here, but it doesn't seem like there is a solution that will fully satisfy all three parties.

To the bolded, yes, it does actually work that way when one party in a divorce is the sole bread winner.  And if this ex never had a job where she had her own income, it would be the responsibility of the other party (OP's H in this case) to pay the attorney fees.  It's not always a 100% that needs to be paid, it case be a sliding scale depending on certain circumstances.  I have seen this first hand working for a family law attorney in NJ.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

OP- I'm sorry you are going through this right now.  I think you need to encourage your H to find any rental for his ex and kids.  Has he looked through craigslist or driven around neighborhoods where the kids go to school?  Sometimes, if you offer to pay a little more per month, a landlord will be more willing to go for a shorter rental term.  I also think you should encourage your H to get a lawyer to go over their divorce settlement.  At the least, have timeframes added to certain things.  Like the ex will vacate the house after the youngest child turns 18 and is a full time student, etc.

kvruns

this might be a good situation to bring in a counselor/therapist to have a more objective party help you guys work through this so it doesn't go to the extreme of her and kids moving in and you filing for divorce.  Sounds like there are underlying issues that could be worked through and a professional might be able to help, both in helping him see why what he has been doing and is proposing is whacko and help you understand more about him and why he thinks that is a good idea.

ShesSoCold

PrettyGirlLost said:

In a lot of states it's extremely difficult to get sole custody of children during or after a divorce, especially it seems for the husband. There has to be a clear and substantial case of abuse, neglect, etc. So it may not even be realistic or feasible for OP's husband to seek full custody. But it's pretty clear he needs to stop pissing around and get a lawyer now, before renting an apartment for his ex or doing anything else. These agreements where OPs husband totally subsidizes his ex, a grown add adult, needs to come to a definitive end. She needs to get a job, pay for her own housing, etc. Otherwise OP might as well start looking for her own lawyer, one that specializes in divorce.

To the bolded, I disagree. OP said she didn't have a problem with the previous arrangement. It might not work for you or for me, but OP knew about this when she married her husband and she was okay with him paying for the house and her not working. Maybe the possibility of the ex-wife living with her is the straw that is breaking the camel's back with this, but I don't agree that we should be telling OP what she should be okay with in her marriage. 

Anyway, OP, you seem like a reasonable person. As much as I hate an ultimatum, have you sat down with your H and told him that under no circumstances are you living with his ex wife? How does he respond? 

STARMOON44

So, people are actually suggesting this man kick his ex wife out of her home, and then seek full custody of the kids?!? Yeah sure that'll work. Him being an idiot and a terrible husband doesn't make her an unfit mother.

OP it sounds like you know this marriage was a bad idea. Get out quickly and try and figure out why you wanted life with a manchild.

[Deleted User]

kvruns said:

this might be a good situation to bring in a counselor/therapist to have a more objective party help you guys work through this so it doesn't go to the extreme of her and kids moving in and you filing for divorce.  Sounds like there are underlying issues that could be worked through and a professional might be able to help, both in helping him see why what he has been doing and is proposing is whacko and help you understand more about him and why he thinks that is a good idea.

OP, isn't it your house?  Like, you owned it alone before him?  Yeah, no way in hell I'd let his ex move in.

PrettyGirlLost

decembergrl2014 said:

The state of New Jersey is one of those states where it's next to impossible to separate children from their mother. Same with NY. Unless a miracle happens, I don't think he and I will make it. A divorce shouldn't be so bad financially. We are married less than a year, and everything is separate. I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I will probably end up being twice divorced. I know it's not the worst thing in the world. It's just sad. @novella1186: thank you for your kind words

Oh brother, no, I sure hope not!

I think it's time for a Come to Jesus talk with this man, and strongly, strongly, suggest he get a lawyer involved to settle his divorce and custody agreements with his ex.

PrettyGirlLost

ShesSoCold said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

In a lot of states it's extremely difficult to get sole custody of children during or after a divorce, especially it seems for the husband. There has to be a clear and substantial case of abuse, neglect, etc. So it may not even be realistic or feasible for OP's husband to seek full custody. But it's pretty clear he needs to stop pissing around and get a lawyer now, before renting an apartment for his ex or doing anything else. These agreements where OPs husband totally subsidizes his ex, a grown add adult, needs to come to a definitive end. She needs to get a job, pay for her own housing, etc. Otherwise OP might as well start looking for her own lawyer, one that specializes in divorce.

To the bolded, I disagree. OP said she didn't have a problem with the previous arrangement. It might not work for you or for me, but OP knew about this when she married her husband and she was okay with him paying for the house and her not working. Maybe the possibility of the ex-wife living with her is the straw that is breaking the camel's back with this, but I don't agree that we should be telling OP what she should be okay with in her marriage. 

Anyway, OP, you seem like a reasonable person. As much as I hate an ultimatum, have you sat down with your H and told him that under no circumstances are you living with his ex wife? How does he respond? 

So you're ok with a grown ass adult refusing to get a job to support herself and her kids, and "allowing" her ex husband to support her and their kids, 100%, for the rest of their lives?

If she's not disabled, why shouldn't she work and help support her own kids?  Isn't that her responsibility too?

Yeah, I judge this, because it's this very loose agreement that is partially responsible for this very unfortunate mess the OP and her husband and his kids and his ex are now in.  I agree with PPs who have said that these divorce agreements should be codified and have a statute of limitations of some sort.

ShesSoCold

PrettyGirlLost said:

ShesSoCold said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

In a lot of states it's extremely difficult to get sole custody of children during or after a divorce, especially it seems for the husband. There has to be a clear and substantial case of abuse, neglect, etc. So it may not even be realistic or feasible for OP's husband to seek full custody. But it's pretty clear he needs to stop pissing around and get a lawyer now, before renting an apartment for his ex or doing anything else. These agreements where OPs husband totally subsidizes his ex, a grown add adult, needs to come to a definitive end. She needs to get a job, pay for her own housing, etc. Otherwise OP might as well start looking for her own lawyer, one that specializes in divorce.

To the bolded, I disagree. OP said she didn't have a problem with the previous arrangement. It might not work for you or for me, but OP knew about this when she married her husband and she was okay with him paying for the house and her not working. Maybe the possibility of the ex-wife living with her is the straw that is breaking the camel's back with this, but I don't agree that we should be telling OP what she should be okay with in her marriage. 

Anyway, OP, you seem like a reasonable person. As much as I hate an ultimatum, have you sat down with your H and told him that under no circumstances are you living with his ex wife? How does he respond? 

So you're ok with a grown ass adult refusing to get a job to support herself and her kids, and "allowing" her ex husband to support her and their kids, 100%, for the rest of their lives?

If she's not disabled, why shouldn't she work and help support her own kids?  Isn't that her responsibility too?

Yeah, I judge this, because it's this very loose agreement that is partially responsible for this very unfortunate mess the OP and her husband and his kids and his ex are now in.  I agree with PPs who have said that these divorce agreements should be codified and have a statute of limitations of some sort.

No, I'm not personally okay with any of this but that doesn't mean OP can't be. That was my entire point. What works or doesn't work for us shouldn't determine what works or doesn't work for OP. 

Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 

Maggie0829

ShesSoCold said:

Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 

This is what I pictured when I read the bolded...

ShesSoCold

Maggie0829 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 

This is what I pictured when I read the bolded...

I'd marry that guy. All day. 

decembergrl2014

@Maggie0829 - love the pic!

I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

luckya23

decembergrl2014 said:

@Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

You said she can stay in your house??

decembergrl2014

As an absolute last resort. He said he doesn't want her with us any more than I do. Again, at this point it would be for the kids.

beachyone15

decembergrl2014 said:

@Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

Don't give in - stand your ground! You are not being unreasonable so don't let either of them convince you otherwise.

Maggie0829

I wouldn't jump to divorce so quickly.  I forget which poster said it but I think it may be good to go and get some marriage counseling.  And maybe even individual counseling for your H.  Help him figure out why he feels the need to support his ex like this without an end in sight.

And I think since this involves his ex possibly moving in with you two, then you should all get together and have a conversation.  Boundaries would need to be set and certain requirements met.  This person will always be in his life (and now your life) because of the kids.  The only go thing is that she is against this idea as well, but she also needs to step up to the plate if the other options she has isn't good enough for her.

I know that you were okay with your H supporting his ex prior to you getting married.  But eventually that could impact your marriage (as is the case now).  I don't know how well off your H is but what if the money starts to dry up?  What if you and him want to buy a new home or a new car or what have you but because he is supporting his ex you can't?

I guess if I were you I would take a deep breath, pour myself a glass or wine and watch some mindless tv for a bit.  But don't throw in the towel.  You two just need to work through some things.  And then after you have tried to work through them and you two still aren't on the same page then that is when you should think about your options.

lyndausvi

We actually did say for better or for worse in our vows.    And richer and poorer for that matter.   

While asking for the ex to move in is recent, the underlying situation is not.  You knew when you got married about the agreement.  If you didn't know that details, then that is your own fault.

This is your worse.  Having the ex move into our home is NOT an option.  However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to support my husband in getting through this.    With some concessions of course.

Because there is an agreement that he pays for their housing,  I would help out my husband with securing temporary housing.    More indirectly by picking up more of OUR joint expenses so he can free up some money.    It's only 4-6 months, it's something I would be willing to take on since there is an ending.

In exchange, DH would have to agree to re-visit the current arrangements with a lawyer.   He might still pay for the mortgage (it's his house and getting equity anyway).  However, he can ask she will now pick up the expenses a standard paying tenant would have to pay. 

 He should ask that the alimony limited to another year.  That way she has time to find a job before she loses it.   

She has to be out of the house by "x" date.  Whether that is a few months after the last one graduates from HS or  college or 4 years from now regardless of how old the kids are.    Just find an end date.

Maybe even throw in he has the kids all summer if he wants more time.

Now a judge may not sign off on all or any of the changes, but at least he tried.  And that is the important thing here.  Him trying to fix would mean a lot, even if a judge rejects some of the requests.   At least then you can blame a judge then him being overly accommodating.

KatWAG

decembergrl2014 said:

As an absolute last resort. He said he doesn't want her with us any more than I do. Again, at this point it would be for the kids.

I don't believe this for one minute. Sounds like he is happy taking the easy way out.

And it sounds like you are starting to crave. DON'T. You have said countless times that you do not want this woman in your house. Don't let your H wear you down.

 I think it might be time for you to hire your own lawyer, at least so you can be aware of your options.

KatWAG

decembergrl2014 said:

@Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!I

I would bet good money, she would move in, get nice and comfy, then refuse to go fill out applications. And what will you do about it? Drag her?

decembergrl2014

Then I trick her into getting her lazy ass in the car and drop her and the kids off at her mother's.

teddygirl9

I don't understand why you guys take the kids for the 4-6 mon and she stays with her parents. Then the kids dont have to be around hateful auntie and ex doesnt live with you. Especially if it is only temporary, and the ex can visit the kids.

 

I hope you guys find a solution that works for you though

 

 

photokitty

If you let her move in - I'm sorry but I don't see this ending anyway but in divorce. The exW has control over everyone in this situation. You will be a captive in your own home.

I don't understand why my suggestion of getting a rental he can sublet after is not being considered. He needs to fix this. You do not need to subsidize her living expenses - which is exactly what you re doing if you own your home, are paying the mortgage and keeping your finances separate.

I think counseling is in order. You need a third party to mediate the situation and help the two of you work through it. 

KatWAG

decembergrl2014 said:

Then I trick her into getting her lazy ass in the car and drop her and the kids off at her mother's.

Fat chance. You can drop her off at Starbucks and she can go in and order some coffee with the money your H gave her.

She has zero reason to get a job. She knows your H wont cut her off.

MyNameIsNot

KatWAG said:

decembergrl2014 said:

As an absolute last resort. He said he doesn't want her with us any more than I do. Again, at this point it would be for the kids.

I don't believe this for one minutes. Sounds like he is happy taking the easy way out.

And it sounds like you are starting to crave. DON'T. You have said countless times that you do not want this woman in your house. Don't let your H wear you down.

 I think it might be time for you to hire your own lawyer, at least so you can be aware of your options.

QFT. He is putting her ahead of you in your marriage, and you are taking it.

24-48 hours ago, you were saying absolutely not. Now you are going to spend your summer driving her around to look for jobs. This is transitioning from your H enabling her to the two of you enabling her.

If you would do it for the kids, tell your H that only the kids are welcome in your home. If you don't put your foot down now, you forfeit the right to complain when your H's ex is living in your home, eating your food, watching your tv, etc. 

Not to mention, what is it going to do to the kids' emotional health to have mommy and daddy under the same roof again? Especially when they start to figure out that daddy's first priority is mommy, not his wife.

KatWAG

Also, if the kids move in with you (with or without their mom) they will have to change school once the new year starts. Its not like you live in the next town over, you live in a different state. And schools require proof or residency.

lyndausvi

KatWAG said:

Also, if the kids move in with you (with or without their mom) they will have to change school once the new year starts. Its not like you live in the next town over, you live in a different state. And schools require proof or residency.

They are only 30-40 minutes away.  They can still attend their old school.  They are being temporarily displaced.   They are still residences of the other school district.

But like someone said before, just because the kids move in doesn't mean her husband can just stop paying child support.  They have to go through the courts, even if it's temporary and everyone agrees or the ex-wife can claim he didn't pay.

photokitty

KatWAG said:

Also, if the kids move in with you (with or without their mom) they will have to change school once the new year starts. Its not like you live in the next town over, you live in a different state. And schools require proof or residency.

They could still list the house under repair as their primary residence I'm sure. The schools might have to sign off, but I don't think this is the issue as they still "live" at that house, they are just temporarily displaced.

PrettyGirlLost

ShesSoCold said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

So you're ok with a grown ass adult refusing to get a job to support herself and her kids, and "allowing" her ex husband to support her and their kids, 100%, for the rest of their lives?

If she's not disabled, why shouldn't she work and help support her own kids?  Isn't that her responsibility too?

Yeah, I judge this, because it's this very loose agreement that is partially responsible for this very unfortunate mess the OP and her husband and his kids and his ex are now in.  I agree with PPs who have said that these divorce agreements should be codified and have a statute of limitations of some sort.

No, I'm not personally okay with any of this but that doesn't mean OP can't be. That was my entire point. What works or doesn't work for us shouldn't determine what works or doesn't work for OP. 

Maybe the H is a schmillionaire with money falling from his ass. Maybe he'd rather have the mother of his children be home with them instead of working to make ends meet when he has the means to provide for them. Maybe not. Either way it's not our position to decide what OP should be comfortable with. 

Doesn't sound like OP is ok with it:

decembergrl2014 said:

@Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

ChemFanatic25

decembergrl2014 said:

@Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

I wouldn't do this. I feel like you're setting a dangerous precedence if you even hint that you'll allow her to live in your house under certain conditions. Then you have bent to his/her will and they will know that you can be manipulated for anything further they might need. Like her staying there longer than the expected time.

 

Also, who pays the mortgage on your house (not his). Does that come out of the joint account or is that paid by you?

KatWAG

ChemFanatic25 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

@Maggie0829 - love the pic! I did tell H that if she were to stay (and at this point I would do it for the kids. With the way I'm feeling right now H and his ex could both eat shit and die!)I said that she would have to get a summer job. She's not familiar with my area, and I will be off for the summer, so I can drive her around and she can fill out applications until her fucking hand falls off. If she's that set against working then maybe going to her mother's won't sound so bad. If H can't back me up on this then I AM DONE!!!!!!

I wouldn't do this. I feel like you're setting a dangerous precedence if you even hint that you'll allow her to live in your house under certain conditions. Then you have bent to his/her will and they will know that you can be manipulated for anything further they might need. Like her staying there longer than the expected time.

 

Also, who pays the mortgage on your house (not his). Does that come out of the joint account or is that paid by you?

She said that she pays it and their finances are separate.