Bridesmaid duty

banana468

scribe95 said:

At least this time be clear whether you are staying or not so if they are counting on you to split the hotel you don't cancel and throw everything off at the last minute. And plan to pay some of the bride's expenses too. But you aren't going anyway so oh well.

This.

It sounds like there may have been assumptions on both sides which sucks.   But IMO, paying in singles is really passive aggressive.   If you don't want drama from anyone, I wouldn't do that. 

[Deleted User]

banana468 said:

scribe95 said:

At least this time be clear whether you are staying or not so if they are counting on you to split the hotel you don't cancel and throw everything off at the last minute. And plan to pay some of the bride's expenses too. But you aren't going anyway so oh well.

This.

It sounds like there may have been assumptions on both sides which sucks.   But IMO, paying in singles is really passive aggressive.   If you don't want drama from anyone, I wouldn't do that. 

I posted earlier about this.. Its not that I'm doing it to be a bitch it's because that's legit the only cash I have right now.. And it was given to me in ones so I'm not going to go out of my way to trade it in for larger bills. I can't take cash out of an account I don't have anything in and I have that cash in my safe at home...

teddygirl9

If you have no cash in your account, you should have stuck to your guns and told her you'd only pay the original portion =\

Liatris2010

How do you know the bach party plans arent going to change last minute? The shower had costs sprung on you. If the same person is planning expect the same surprises. What if you end up outside a club with a cover and are asked to kick in for the bride plus cover your own entry? You'll be on the spot with no graceful way out.

Edited because typing

PrettyGirlLost

BreezyMac100315 said:

I'm proud of myself for my response ... Since I'm usually a major push over..

NOOOOOO!

That email is the epitome of being a pushover!

You never should have responded to her. All you had to do was show up at the shower with your $45.

PrettyGirlLost

BreezyMac100315 said:

I'm not going to stir shit up because the bride herself is very.... Idk the word.. But if there's drama she would probably side against me. I will pay it but i made my points known. I won't be punishing the bride by not going to the Bach.. She will have 20 others there with her..

Lol what points? The only point you made is that you're a pushover and it's ok for ppl to spend your money without your consent.

AddieCake

I'm disappointed, OP!

lyndausvi

4 pages!  4 PAGES and the end result is the OP is a push-over and still paid the full amount.

What a waste of time typing out responses.  Especially since the OP agreed with most of the responses, just didn't take the advice.

drunkenwitch

BreezyMac100315 said:

I'm not going to stir shit up because the bride herself is very.... Idk the word.. But if there's drama she would probably side against me. I will pay it but i made my points known. I won't be punishing the bride by not going to the Bach.. She will have 20 others there with her..

Oooookkkkayyyyy then, uhhhh yeah.... 

I long ago lost my patience for this type of petty bullshit, but if you want a bunch of drama queens in your life, that's your decision.

drunkenwitch

BreezyMac100315 said:

You are punishing the bride. And making your points known doesn't matter if you fold.

Not how I look at it. I may still go to the Bach party just not spend the night (it's not far away anyways and I'll save money if I don't but drinks).. Is be saving $60 Since of course it has to be a top of the line hotel.

zitiqueen

BreezyMac100315 said:

At least this time be clear whether you are staying or not so if they are counting on you to split the hotel you don't cancel and throw everything off at the last minute. And plan to pay some of the bride's expenses too. But you aren't going anyway so oh well.

They were upfront about the Bach party costs, unlike the shower. Whether I go or not, I would contribute to the bride's stuff because that's solely for her. I'm what the money for the shower is going to and I don't know this girl enough to know if I trust it's for something good! My FH is very against drama so I discussed it with him before emailing back and he said to just pay it and we will figure it out.

You're both doormats. You have now officially lost the right to ever complain about the cost of this shower ever again.

drunkenwitch

zitiqueen said:

BreezyMac100315 said:

scribe95 said:

At least this time be clear whether you are staying or not so if they are counting on you to split the hotel you don't cancel and throw everything off at the last minute. And plan to pay some of the bride's expenses too. But you aren't going anyway so oh well.

They were upfront about the Bach party costs, unlike the shower. Whether I go or not, I would contribute to the bride's stuff because that's solely for her. I'm what the money for the shower is going to and I don't know this girl enough to know if I trust it's for something good! My FH is very against drama so I discussed it with him before emailing back and he said to just pay it and we will figure it out.

You're both doormats. You have now officially lost the right to ever complain about the cost of this shower ever again.


____________boxes_________________

Have you ever noticed that the people who constantly talk about how much they hate drama seem to love surrounding themselves with drama queens?

aurianna

*sigh*

OP, I know you really didn't want to cause drama with the bride and her other friends, and that's commendable. But it's really sad that you had to go way above budget to do it.
I know you think you made your points clear, but this MOH is clearly the type of entitled girl who thinks she can spend other people's money. She didn't see your points. All she'll see is herself getting her own way like she's probably accustomed to.

But that ship has sailed. In the future though, don't be afraid to make waves if it means standing up for yourself and what is right.

For the bach party, now what you do is:
"MoH, I can't attend the bach party. I will give you $X amount to go towards the bride's expenses."

Make the amount non-negotiable. If she tries to strong-arm you, don't cave.
If she tries to tell you that the hotel cost will go up for everyone, assuming you tell her ASAP that you aren't going, my conscience would be clear here (especially if she was telling people how much it would cost prior to people actually telling her if they could attend or not).

Just let her know ASAP that you won't be coming and what you'll be contributing. And close the topic with her.

ETA: Actually, how far away is the party? If it's really close then backing out now isn't cool if things have been prepaid for.

PrettyGirlLost

zitiqueen said:

BreezyMac100315 said:

At least this time be clear whether you are staying or not so if they are counting on you to split the hotel you don't cancel and throw everything off at the last minute. And plan to pay some of the bride's expenses too. But you aren't going anyway so oh well.

They were upfront about the Bach party costs, unlike the shower. Whether I go or not, I would contribute to the bride's stuff because that's solely for her. I'm what the money for the shower is going to and I don't know this girl enough to know if I trust it's for something good! My FH is very against drama so I discussed it with him before emailing back and he said to just pay it and we will figure it out.

You're both doormats. You have now officially lost the right to ever complain about the cost of this shower ever again.

Oh Christ, I missed the bolded ><

In another post this week, the Hangry post, I mentioned there are a lot of passive aggressive ppl on these boards. . .case in point.

aurianna

PrettyGirlLost said:

zitiqueen said:

BreezyMac100315 said:

At least this time be clear whether you are staying or not so if they are counting on you to split the hotel you don't cancel and throw everything off at the last minute. And plan to pay some of the bride's expenses too. But you aren't going anyway so oh well.

They were upfront about the Bach party costs, unlike the shower. Whether I go or not, I would contribute to the bride's stuff because that's solely for her. I'm what the money for the shower is going to and I don't know this girl enough to know if I trust it's for something good! My FH is very against drama so I discussed it with him before emailing back and he said to just pay it and we will figure it out.

You're both doormats. You have now officially lost the right to ever complain about the cost of this shower ever again.

Oh Christ, I missed the bolded ><

In another post this week, the Hangry post, I mentioned there are a lot of passive aggressive ppl on these boards. . .case in point.

OMG me too until your post. I feel all itchy inside.

huskypuppy14

This is why people think it's acceptable to plan showers and then invoice the other bridal party members....because people will pay. You have to stand up for yourself. Some people really do think it's everyone's job to contribute, but a reasonable person would apologize when told they planned something that was above another person's budget. 

There are always going to be people who try to take advantage of you. Sometimes it's an honest mistake, and sometimes that person is an entitled bitch (case in point). 

It's important to remember that saying "no" isn't a bad thing.  Saying "I'm sorry, I cannot accommodate that request" is not being a bad person or causing drama. 

[Deleted User]

Did you agree to go the bach party?? If you did I think it's actually worse you are backing out. It's not the brides fault you and MOH didn't see eye to eye on something. And for my BH party regardless the number I enjoyed everyone there and a few of my friends who were unable to come I was sad. But TOTALY got they had other stuff going on. My point being it doesn't matter how many others are there.

Now it's going to be even more uncomfortable. Now it looks like you just emailed her to make a stink and cause problems since you gave in anyway. Shouldn't have said anything if you were going to pay. Point wasn't made. I think it backfired on you... That really stinks too.

AddieCake

You say you got your points across, but you didn't. You made some points and then paid despite those points. So the MOH learns nothing from this ordeal and thinks she was fine to do like she did. And the cycle will continue.

[Deleted User]

AddieCake said:

You say you got your points across, but you didn't. You made some points and then paid despite those points. So the MOH learns nothing from this ordeal and thinks she was fine to do like she did. And the cycle will continue.

But she's paying in all singles, so it's fine again.

fyrchk

I want my 30 minutes back from reading 4 pages.

ChemFanatic25

I apparently don't understand the definition of "push-over" because according to OP it means "bitching about a horrible MOH for spending her money but then giving her said money anyways and basically telling her it's okay to spend her money."

But hey, OP got her point across . . . right? . . . .

lyndausvi

adk19 said:

AddieCake said:

You say you got your points across, but you didn't. You made some points and then paid despite those points. So the MOH learns nothing from this ordeal and thinks she was fine to do like she did. And the cycle will continue.

But she's paying in all singles, so it's fine again.

am I the only one wondering why she got 100 $1 bills at her shower?    

 Was there a pole involved?

speakeasy14

lyndausvi said:

adk19 said:

AddieCake said:

You say you got your points across, but you didn't. You made some points and then paid despite those points. So the MOH learns nothing from this ordeal and thinks she was fine to do like she did. And the cycle will continue.

But she's paying in all singles, so it's fine again.

am I the only one wondering why she got 100 $1 bills at her shower?    

 Was there a pole involved?

This! I've been waiting for some explanation. 

[Deleted User]

lyndausvi said:

adk19 said:

AddieCake said:

You say you got your points across, but you didn't. You made some points and then paid despite those points. So the MOH learns nothing from this ordeal and thinks she was fine to do like she did. And the cycle will continue.

But she's paying in all singles, so it's fine again.

am I the only one wondering why she got 100 $1 bills at her shower?    

 Was there a pole involved?

Box that said "pull here" with never ending 1 dollar bills. It was cute

[Deleted User]

Thanks for all the advice. What's done is done. Do I regret it? Yes..but no turning back now. As far as the Bach party.. I am going but just not staying the night. The hotel hasn't been finalized so I won't be messing up any budgeting.

banana468

BreezyMac100315 said:

Thanks for all the advice. What's done is done. Do I regret it? Yes..but no turning back now. As far as the Bach party.. I am going but just not staying the night. The hotel hasn't been finalized so I won't be messing up any budgeting.

You don't know that.

It looks like there are a TON of assumptions that are being made both on your part and on the MOH's part.   You need to be clear to her NOW: "I'm able to contribute to the shower and that means that I can attend the bachelorette party but will not be staying overnight in the hotel.   I will be contributing X total which includes my food/beverage/X for that night."

TrixieJess

I've so far not waded into this but wanted to offer this piece of advice to the OP. People will treat you however you let them. If you let people walk all over you, they will, indefinitely. When you try to stand up to them, they won't either care or believe you. Start standing up to people now or you will be known as the doormat and everyone will take advantage of you. I've seen it happen to people, it's not pretty.

[Deleted User]

banana468 said:

BreezyMac100315 said:

Thanks for all the advice. What's done is done. Do I regret it? Yes..but no turning back now. As far as the Bach party.. I am going but just not staying the night. The hotel hasn't been finalized so I won't be messing up any budgeting.

You don't know that.

It looks like there are a TON of assumptions that are being made both on your part and on the MOH's part.   You need to be clear to her NOW: "I'm able to contribute to the shower and that means that I can attend the bachelorette party but will not be staying overnight in the hotel.   I will be contributing X total which includes my food/beverage/X for that night."

We all have to pay for our tickets to the cruise we are going on. And split dinner. I agreed to do that and nothing more (which i stated)

[Deleted User]

TrixieJess said:

I've so far not waded into this but wanted to offer this piece of advice to the OP. People will treat you however you let them. If you let people walk all over you, they will, indefinitely. When you try to stand up to them, they won't either care or believe you. Start standing up to people now or you will be known as the doormat and everyone will take advantage of you. I've seen it happen to people, it's not pretty.

Thank you .. Something I need to work on for sure.

redwoodoriginal

BreezyMac100315 said:

BreezyMac100315 said:

Thanks for all the advice. What's done is done. Do I regret it? Yes..but no turning back now. As far as the Bach party.. I am going but just not staying the night. The hotel hasn't been finalized so I won't be messing up any budgeting.

You don't know that.

It looks like there are a TON of assumptions that are being made both on your part and on the MOH's part.   You need to be clear to her NOW: "I'm able to contribute to the shower and that means that I can attend the bachelorette party but will not be staying overnight in the hotel.   I will be contributing X total which includes my food/beverage/X for that night."

We all have to pay for our tickets to the cruise we are going on. And split dinner. I agreed to do that and nothing more (which i stated)

But HOW are you splitting dinner? What if you have to have two drinks and a pasta dish and the girl next to you orders the ribeye and five drinks? You still splitting that? What if they order appetizers "for the table" but you never get to taste it bc there are six pieces of bread and seven of you? I'd make it perfectly clear that you are covering your own meal and throwing in for the bride's. I wouldn't assume that "splitting dinner" is going to end well, especially knowing these people.