What Etiquette rules would you love to break???

insertusernamehere

perdj182xxxx said:

insertusernamehere said:

julieanne912 said:

perdj182xxxx said:

JellyBean52513 said:

I've heard this is rude but I really don't want to open gifts at my hypothetical shower and TBH I probably won't. I actually find it even more rude to flaunt the gifts that were purchased by one guest in front of others. If the gift-giver wants me to open it in front of them, I would expect us to be close enough for you to say "Open it, open it!" and I would do so in a moment between just the two of us. Also, I would want to un-invite someone who reveals themselves as being homophobic, racist, etc. I don't care if you've already received an invite, if you show your true colors after the fact and I wouldn't have invited you from the start if I knew the true you back then, then you're no longer welcome.

I completely agree with opening presents at bridal shower. I am extremely introverted and hate being the center of attention. I did not even want to have a bridal shower and the whole experience was extremely awkward. Having 50+ people watch me as I open presents was a stressful thing for me to do. But I did appreciate everyone being there for me and giving me gifts. Just wish I could have opened the presents without everyone watching.

If you didn't want to have a bridal shower than you should have declined whoever was offering to host it for you.

(box? I think?) 

Not having a shower wasn't an option for me. I had zero control over the entire thing.

Same here. I'm having an intimate ceremony with immediate family only. My other family members were disappointed so my Mom wanted to have a shower for me. I told her multiple times that I didn't want to have one, but she took complete control and threw one for me anyway.

I'm grateful for all the work they're putting into the planning, but I wish my FMIL had respected my wishes, at least a little. She asked what I wanted, I said I would be happy filling the car after the reception if people brought gifts to the wedding, or they could just mail them to us. 

She said that wasn't an option and asked what I wanted for a shower, so I said a small affair with our bridal party, aunts/uncles/close cousins, and my fiance with me. She said no.

I'm now having a huge, girl-only shower with every single female guest on the list - and there are a couple dozen people I've never met that are coming! Yikes!

frenchiekin

insertusernamehere said:

I hate that you have to invite people with their significant other, no matter how briefly they've been dating. A couple of my friends were invited as a couple, but they weren't serious, and being invited to a wedding together forced them to have that discussion, and wonder if they would still be together for the wedding.

I understand inviting serious couples, but new couples is so awkward.

This.  I don't mind inviting the new SO as I want to honor the relationships of my friends and family, however new - but putting the new person's name on the invitations is awkward.  This is actually timely for me as I just addressed all of our invites last night.  There are friends who have just recently started dating someone new, so I asked for their names so I could include them on the invitations.  I tried not to make it awkward but I can't help feeling like I am forcing them to experience a new level of relationship by having to consider attending a wedding together in 8 weeks when they've only been dating a few weeks or months.

Knottie2336241

I did break the unbreakable rules.  I uninvited someone after the save the date went out.   I had no choice an if I had known the whole sorry and/or situation she would not have got one. My FH dads ex had been invited so she would bring his brothers..  I have not met said ex or my FFIL for that matter. My FH and his dad had a horrible parting of the ways six years ago.   A moth ago my FSIL told me, warned me, about the drama the ex had caused at her wedding, crying and getting angry because she was not given the proper place as step mom, she was not involved in the wedding, she didn't get to help plan, she didn't offer an she cheated on FFIL and is now married to that guy, who she brought to the wedding.  Last month she made a remark to my FH that no step mom would make, she has also made passes at FMIL new husband.   SO long story short she is a drama queen slut.  My FFIL told us he didn't want us to have drama at the wedding, so he wouldn't come if she did.  Well I made the choice, uninvited her, she got all upset, her feelings were hut and now refuses to let my FBIL come to the wedding, he is 12..  I wish that everyone would have just sucked it up for my FH, but I felt it was more important for his dad to come......so against the rules to uninvite

insertusernamehere

frenchiekin said:

insertusernamehere said:

I hate that you have to invite people with their significant other, no matter how briefly they've been dating. A couple of my friends were invited as a couple, but they weren't serious, and being invited to a wedding together forced them to have that discussion, and wonder if they would still be together for the wedding.

I understand inviting serious couples, but new couples is so awkward.

This.  I don't mind inviting the new SO as I want to honor the relationships of my friends and family, however new - but putting the new person's name on the invitations is awkward.  This is actually timely for me as I just addressed all of our invites last night.  There are friends who have just recently started dating someone new, so I asked for their names so I could include them on the invitations.  I tried not to make it awkward but I can't help feeling like I am forcing them to experience a new level of relationship by having to consider attending a wedding together in 8 weeks when they've only been dating a few weeks or months.

This is EXACTLY it! All of my guests are getting a plus one, so it's not like I'm saying "hey, your relationship seems kind of casual, and I think you guys are still seeing others on the side, so you don't get to bring some rando to my wedding!" I'm letting them make that decision. It's like How I Met Your Mother, when they freak out when a new SO asks them to be a plus one in a wedding six months away. I AM relatively young, and a lot of us are still in college or newly graduated - who am I to judge your relationship?!

[Deleted User]

insertusernamehere said:

frenchiekin said:

insertusernamehere said:

I hate that you have to invite people with their significant other, no matter how briefly they've been dating. A couple of my friends were invited as a couple, but they weren't serious, and being invited to a wedding together forced them to have that discussion, and wonder if they would still be together for the wedding.

I understand inviting serious couples, but new couples is so awkward.

This.  I don't mind inviting the new SO as I want to honor the relationships of my friends and family, however new - but putting the new person's name on the invitations is awkward.  This is actually timely for me as I just addressed all of our invites last night.  There are friends who have just recently started dating someone new, so I asked for their names so I could include them on the invitations.  I tried not to make it awkward but I can't help feeling like I am forcing them to experience a new level of relationship by having to consider attending a wedding together in 8 weeks when they've only been dating a few weeks or months.

This is EXACTLY it! All of my guests are getting a plus one, so it's not like I'm saying "hey, your relationship seems kind of casual, and I think you guys are still seeing others on the side, so you don't get to bring some rando to my wedding!" I'm letting them make that decision. It's like How I Met Your Mother, when they freak out when a new SO asks them to be a plus one in a wedding six months away. I AM relatively young, and a lot of us are still in college or newly graduated - who am I to judge your relationship?!

This is also why you ASK whether or not your friend would like their new "SO" listed on the invitation instead of just assuming.  "So, are you and John pretty serious?  Would you like me to include him on your invitation?  Or I can just put "and guest" on your invite and you can decide later whether you'd like to bring him.  Which would you prefer?"

charcoalandblush

If it wasn't stupid/AWish/pointless, I would have my real wedding in August and a PPD in September. My family all live on the east coast and I live in the midwest. I decided to have my wedding in my current city because it was way easier to plan here than halfway across the country, and many members of my family said they'd make the trip. I now have about 85% of my RSVPs back and not one single member of my family is coming, other than my parents. No grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings. No one. When we got the last few "no" RSVPs, I sobbed hysterically for like an hour. I was totally being overdramatic, but I'm just so disappointed that not a single member of my family is coming when there will be like 75-80 members of DF's family. I wish there was a way to celebrate with them that wasn't totally fake and stupid. If there was, I'd do it.

I also wish you didn't have to invite social units together. One of my bridesmaids has been dating a guy on and off for like a year who we cannot stand. He's a nice enough guy, but they don't have a healthy relationship and they're never happy when they're together. At first she said she was bringing him, so their STD was to both. Then she wasn't, they were off again, so I didn't put him on her invite. She RSVPed for one immediately after invites went out a few weeks ago, but now has apparently been telling other members of the WP that she's bringing him. So I now heard this through the grapevine, and feel like I can't be like "Listen, you said he's not coming, no take-backsies" without being a shitty friend, since he is her boyfriend again (I guess). I really wish I could tell her not to bring him, because he sucks, and I don't want him there, especially not sitting at the head table with us. I realize that makes me sound like a total brat/bridezilla, which is why I'm not doing it. But I would if it wasn't bitchy.

Knottie94935726

I HATE wedding showers!! And I really don't see the point in opening up all the gifts in front of everyone. Most people buy from the registry and therefore there's no real surprises in the gifts. Plus it's super boring as a guest. I refuse to go to wedding showers and I refused to have one myself. Engagement parties are also stupid :-p. I will get ONE gift for the couple at the wedding. i would never expect my guests to get me multiple gifts

banana468

Knottie94935726 said:

I HATE wedding showers!! And I really don't see the point in opening up all the gifts in front of everyone. Most people buy from the registry and therefore there's no real surprises in the gifts. Plus it's super boring as a guest. I refuse to go to wedding showers and I refused to have one myself. Engagement parties are also stupid :-p. I will get ONE gift for the couple at the wedding. i would never expect my guests to get me multiple gifts

I think for many it's about the social custom.   I have a wedding budget for a couple.   I don't spend more on them because there's a shower and a wedding.   The gifts are just divided into two.  

charcoalandblush

Knottie94935726 said:

I HATE wedding showers!! And I really don't see the point in opening up all the gifts in front of everyone. Most people buy from the registry and therefore there's no real surprises in the gifts. Plus it's super boring as a guest. I refuse to go to wedding showers and I refused to have one myself. Engagement parties are also stupid :-p. I will get ONE gift for the couple at the wedding. i would never expect my guests to get me multiple gifts

In my circle engagement parties aren't gift-giving occasions. 

This is possibly one etiquette rule I do break - in my circle, bachelorette parties are not gift giving occasions. In DF's they are. I think it's stupid and I don't want to buy panties or lube for anyone else. So I flat out refuse to buy bach party gifts when going to his friends' bach parties. Will not do it.

OllisaurusRex

I'm not handwriting invites. Better things to do with my time, not paying someone that kind of money. I have a very nice printer that prints on envelopes just fine.

Knottie94935726

You're supposed to hand write the addresses??? News to me! I printed them on the computer and they looked amazing. Figured the point is to make sure the invites look good. And anyone who would sit and criticize something stupid like that....well they have too much time on their hands

Jen4948

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

I don't think that's a statement that you can make for other people.  There are plenty of people on these boards who not only didn't mind feeding their vendors, they enjoyed extending hospitality to them as well as the guests.

OllisaurusRex

I'm actually happy to feed my vendors. Apparently I'm odd.

Jen4948

Viczaesar said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

I don't think that's a statement that you can make for other people.  There are plenty of people on these boards who not only didn't mind feeding their vendors, they enjoyed extending hospitality to them as well as the guests.


Perhaps, but I bet no one would object to being able to do it for free and not incur any financial expenses involved in doing so.

jacques27

Jen4948 said:

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

Uhhh...is that just sarcasm that isn't coming off well over the written word?

I have no issues with feeding vendors.  I can't possibly imagine indulging in food and not offering some to those around me, even if they are being paid to perform a service for me.  And I'm more than happy to make sure that the people I am entrusting to help me pull off a rather large event and/or provide me with keepsake mementos of the day that I will cherish are all feeling their absolute best as they work to help me make my event a success - meaning they are fed, hydrated, and in comfortable working conditions.  Not only is it just basic hospitality, but well-treated vendors equal vendors who are probably willing to not only do what is required, but go above and beyond.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

I don't think that's a statement that you can make for other people.  There are plenty of people on these boards who not only didn't mind feeding their vendors, they enjoyed extending hospitality to them as well as the guests.

Perhaps, but I bet no one would object to being able to do it for free and not incur any financial expenses involved in doing so.

I bed they'd also like being able to get their minister, DJ, and photographer to work the wedding and not incur any financial expenses involved in doing so.  Doesn't that pretty much go without saying?

OllisaurusRex

Why, if I eat out, I don't expect a free meal. Thus, I expect to pay for the meals of everyone invited, either as guest or vendor. We've hired people we personally like, not only for their outstanding work but because of their personalities that feel welcoming and friendly. To me, there's no question that I'd like to extend hospitality to them. It's basic manners to me.

If I didn't want to feed people, we'd go to the courthouse and be married already. Since we want the full blown wedding, we have to feed those we invite. We sure as hell are not doing some potluck Pintrest thing, so thus, we are paying to feed those we invite. I may debate the merits of sending the bill for security and their meals to the one at fault for needing them, but that's not happening anywhere but in my evil mind.

The etiquette I will not kill is the basic manners. The parts I may kill are the social niceties, like hand addressing envelopes.

MobKaz

perdj182xxxx said:

insertusernamehere said:

julieanne912 said:

perdj182xxxx said:

JellyBean52513 said:

I've heard this is rude but I really don't want to open gifts at my hypothetical shower and TBH I probably won't. I actually find it even more rude to flaunt the gifts that were purchased by one guest in front of others. If the gift-giver wants me to open it in front of them, I would expect us to be close enough for you to say "Open it, open it!" and I would do so in a moment between just the two of us. Also, I would want to un-invite someone who reveals themselves as being homophobic, racist, etc. I don't care if you've already received an invite, if you show your true colors after the fact and I wouldn't have invited you from the start if I knew the true you back then, then you're no longer welcome.

I completely agree with opening presents at bridal shower. I am extremely introverted and hate being the center of attention. I did not even want to have a bridal shower and the whole experience was extremely awkward. Having 50+ people watch me as I open presents was a stressful thing for me to do. But I did appreciate everyone being there for me and giving me gifts. Just wish I could have opened the presents without everyone watching.

If you didn't want to have a bridal shower than you should have declined whoever was offering to host it for you.

(box? I think?) 

Not having a shower wasn't an option for me. I had zero control over the entire thing.

Same here. I'm having an intimate ceremony with immediate family only. My other family members were disappointed so my Mom wanted to have a shower for me. I told her multiple times that I didn't want to have one, but she took complete control and threw one for me anyway.

Did she invite people to the shower that were NOT invited to the wedding?  That is incredibly rude.

banana468

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

I don't think that's a statement that you can make for other people.  There are plenty of people on these boards who not only didn't mind feeding their vendors, they enjoyed extending hospitality to them as well as the guests.

Perhaps, but I bet no one would object to being able to do it for free and not incur any financial expenses involved in doing so.

By that token I wish my dress was free and that I didn't pay taxes.

AddieCake

I still don't understand this "not having a shower wasn't an option for me" for some of you. Unless you are blindsided and it's a surprise shower, no matter how much the person insists, you can say no and refuse to show up if you really don't want a shower.

JellyBean52513

AddieCake said:

I still don't understand this "not having a shower wasn't an option for me" for some of you. Unless you are blindsided and it's a surprise shower, no matter how much the person insists, you can say no and refuse to show up if you really don't want a shower.

If you know a party is being planned for you by your mother/aunt/someone who loves and cares about you, even though you've attempted to decline, you would really just not show up? You'd really just go about your day knowing that somewhere there's food, drink, and people's time/money being wasted? That is WAY more rude to me than not wanting to open presents in front of everybody.

I recall an aunt of mine who insisted to no end that I take an LSAT prep course, even though I scored pretty high on my practice tests. I told her I didn't want her to spend the money (she wanted to pay for the course plus private tutoring sessions, for a few thousand dollars) because I really didn't think I was going to benefit from it, plus I'd have to take time off work and I didn't want to do that. She insisted on doing this "for me," and I kept telling her thank you but I really don't want to take the class. She called me a few days before the classes were scheduled to start and said "I went ahead and signed you up anyway. You might have done good practice tests, but this is the LSAT, you can't take chances, you have to take the course." Sure enough, I got a welcome email for the class later that day. I would have been a super asshole to just say "Fuck that!" and not show up and waste all of her money (the classes were non-refundable). I think it would be just as douchebaggy to skip out on a party that someone is throwing for you, especially if you know how much they wanted to do it.

Do people always respect the wishes of others, even their loved ones? No, obviously not, or much of the content on the E-board wouldn't exist. But that doesn't mean two wrongs make a right and it's ok to be spiteful.

AddieCake

If someone wants to try to force me to participate in something against my explicit instructions that I am 100% not interested, I think that is totally out of line. I feel like this kind of thing opens doors to continue to steamroll over me whenever they want to insist I do something they want. I have a choice whether or not I allow that to happen to me. I DO have an option, despite it not necessarily being the path of least resistance. That's my issue with people saying it wasn't an option to decline. Yes, it is an option.

kimmiinthemitten

Jen4948 said:

I'm sure everyone would like not to have to feed vendors.

As someone who is an occasional bartender/server from a catering company I assure you, I have zero problems feeding my vendors. I'm glad to do it, the amount of work it takes to work a wedding warrants food at minimum.

MobKaz

JellyBean52513 said:

AddieCake said:

I still don't understand this "not having a shower wasn't an option for me" for some of you. Unless you are blindsided and it's a surprise shower, no matter how much the person insists, you can say no and refuse to show up if you really don't want a shower.

If you know a party is being planned for you by your mother/aunt/someone who loves and cares about you, even though you've attempted to decline, you would really just not show up? You'd really just go about your day knowing that somewhere there's food, drink, and people's time/money being wasted? That is WAY more rude to me than not wanting to open presents in front of everybody.

I recall an aunt of mine who insisted to no end that I take an LSAT prep course, even though I scored pretty high on my practice tests. I told her I didn't want her to spend the money (she wanted to pay for the course plus private tutoring sessions, for a few thousand dollars) because I really didn't think I was going to benefit from it, plus I'd have to take time off work and I didn't want to do that. She insisted on doing this "for me," and I kept telling her thank you but I really don't want to take the class. She called me a few days before the classes were scheduled to start and said "I went ahead and signed you up anyway. You might have done good practice tests, but this is the LSAT, you can't take chances, you have to take the course." Sure enough, I got a welcome email for the class later that day. I would have been a super asshole to just say "Fuck that!" and not show up and waste all of her money (the classes were non-refundable). I think it would be just as douchebaggy to skip out on a party that someone is throwing for you, especially if you know how much they wanted to do it.

Do people always respect the wishes of others, even their loved ones? No, obviously not, or much of the content on the E-board wouldn't exist. But that doesn't mean two wrongs make a right and it's ok to be spiteful.

I think you have the "ass" label on the wrong person.  You made it very clear that you had NO interest in taking the class.  You made it clear that it would actually cost YOU time and perhaps money by taking time off from work.  Actions have consequences.  Her actions do not sound "loving".  Your aunt does not sound like a considerate or thoughtful person.  She sounds like a domineering and controlling person.  And it sounds as if family members allow her to get away with it.  You allowed your aunt to walk all over you.

And you CAN decline a shower in a firm and polite way and make it clear that you will not be available to attend any shower that is planned. 

ETA:  Actions have consequences.  If you chose not to take the class and your aunt lost her non-refundable money, then that loss is 100% on her. 

themosthappy91

Ya, my feeling is also that it is WAY ruder to throw me a shower explicitly against my wishes and I would have no qualms about not showing up to such an event. I would actually go out of my way to contact invited guests, explain why I was declining the shower, and put the person attempting to throw me a shower on blast to every single person they tried to get involved.

So not buying the "I didn't have nay choice" line. If you are mature enough to be getting married, you're mature enough to do one of two things: either decline the shower and don't have any part in it, or suck it up and open the gifts like you are supposed to do at a shower.

thisismynickname2

To the shower issue: you can say no, but sometimes you need help saying no. It was my MIL that insisted on a shower. She even steamrolled my mom. DH had to call her and lay down the law. Made her cry, but she stopped planning. She got over it. It can be done.

STARMOON44

I would love to be able to write on the invitations "garden party fabulous- hats requested."

justsie

STARMOON44 said:

I would love to be able to write on the invitations "garden party fabulous- hats requested."

Me too. My best friend (who I will ask to be MOH but since I don't know when the wedding is.... well you get the picture) has already talked about wanting to throw me an Alice in Wonderland tea party/shower. She has some very cute ideas, and hats would be so fun! Oh well. I can always still wear one

julieanne912

justsie said:

STARMOON44 said:

I would love to be able to write on the invitations "garden party fabulous- hats requested."

Me too. My best friend (who I will ask to be MOH but since I don't know when the wedding is.... well you get the picture) has already talked about wanting to throw me an Alice in Wonderland tea party/shower. She has some very cute ideas, and hats would be so fun! Oh well. I can always still wear one

I just had a tea party shower on Saturday.  My MOH bought plain hats in different colors and we decorated them with ribbons and flowers as our activity (vs playing stupid games).  It was probably the girliest thing I've ever done, and it was fun