Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Deceased Parent

Hi - Sorry if this has been asked before, I did a search and only found an old discussion about a grandmother so thought I could ask again.

FI's mom died 8 years ago this November. My mom wants us to light a candle and add a line about her to the program. I'm not sure what to do. I've seen in other topics people think displays in remembrance are morbid for a wedding and I tend to agree. We weren't even going to have programs until my mom had this idea. FI will not care, though his dad would probably be touched.

Thoughts? Should we leave out the candle but include a brief line in a program? Skip it all together?

Thanks!

Re: Deceased Parent

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    missa011 said:

    Hi - Sorry if this has been asked before, I did a search and only found an old discussion about a grandmother so thought I could ask again.

    FI's mom died 8 years ago this November. My mom wants us to light a candle and add a line about her to the program. I'm not sure what to do. I've seen in other topics people think displays in remembrance are morbid for a wedding and I tend to agree. We weren't even going to have programs until my mom had this idea. FI will not care, though his dad would probably be touched.

    Thoughts? Should we leave out the candle but include a brief line in a program? Skip it all together?

    Thanks!

    I'd do the bolded-if that's what your FI wants to do. It's up to him.
  • Please ask your FI what he is comfortable doing, and leave the final decision up to him.

    I agree with just doing a brief line in the program and not doing the candle, but it is really up to your FI since it's his Mom.

  • Thanks! I'm pretty sure the only response I'm gonna get from FI is "it doesn't matter to me," which is why I wanted some other opinions, but I think I'm gonna opt for just the line if anything.
    Pupatella
  • missa011 said:
    Thanks! I'm pretty sure the only response I'm gonna get from FI is "it doesn't matter to me," which is why I wanted some other opinions, but I think I'm gonna opt for just the line if anything.
    You may be surprised. My FI lost his best friend years ago, and originally just said "those look great" without really looking at our ceremony programs. Then he came back and asked me if he could put something in them about his friend who passed. He spent about 4 hours googling, and putting together the right words. It was really sweet of him.

  • I dislike public expressions of grief at weddings.  Try to think of something private to do for your FI.
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    Pupatella
  • missa011 said:

    Hi - Sorry if this has been asked before, I did a search and only found an old discussion about a grandmother so thought I could ask again.

    FI's mom died 8 years ago this November. My mom wants us to light a candle and add a line about her to the program. I'm not sure what to do. I've seen in other topics people think displays in remembrance are morbid for a wedding and I tend to agree. We weren't even going to have programs until my mom had this idea. FI will not care, though his dad would probably be touched.

    Thoughts? Should we leave out the candle but include a brief line in a program? Skip it all together?

    Thanks!


    I am going to go with the idea that your mom is trying to come from a nice place and she is doing what she can to "include the other mother" as best as can be done.  But, I would have a gentle talk with her and remind her that his mother's absence will be obvious to FI's dad, any other siblings of FI, aunts/uncles who were siblings of FI's mom, maybe grandparents, etc.  This really needs to be left only to them to decide and she needs to step back.  Even if her intentions are good.

    That candle may be "touching" to some, but to others it could just cause a wave of tears on a day that should be joyous.  It may not be a welcome reminder.

    I lost my parents as a child.  On the days of my weddings (and the births of my children) their absence was glaringly apparent to me. I would not have welcomed someone else's gesture of a candle (even though very well intentioned).  I'll bet her heart is in a good place, but she needs to back away.

    Jen4948ShesSoCold[Deleted User]
  • Thanks everyone! I'm going to nix the idea completely after talking to FI (thanks @pupatella). My mother hasn't brought it up again, but as you suggested @kmmssg, I'm going to let her know that it's FI's decision and he doesn't want anything done, if she does. You're right, I think she has good intentions, just doesn't see where it could be upsetting to FI's family.


    Pupatellakmmssg[Deleted User]
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