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Etiquette

Bridesmaid's Dresses/Make-up/Hair

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Re: Bridesmaid's Dresses/Make-up/Hair

  • My 2 cents... I HATE the way I look with my hair up. Always have I despise it when a bride tells me as a bridesmaid it needs to be up AND I  get to pay for it. Please don't do it :)
  • So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
    Yep. Because you are dictating what they wear. And FTR, I would not take kindly to being forced to wear red lipstick - I HATE lipstick and rarely if ever wear it myself. If I wore bright red lipstick it would be smeared all over the place in like 4 seconds because I lick my lips and smear that shit everywhere. 

    It's not one or the other. Just because you let them pick a dress doesn't mean it's ok for you to tell them how to do their hair/makeup. 
    Yep.

    I would not be happy to be asked to style my hair in finger waves, because with my current cut and style, they just wouldn't work.  There are other ways to have 1920's looking hair w/o requiring something that specific.  If I was one of your BM's, I'd pick a modern interpretation of a '20s inspired look and take that to my stylist, but I would not do finger waves.

    And I don't wear red lipstick ever, either.  I have rosacea so I'm always trying to tone down the red already on my face, not add more to it.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
    If you are going to ask them to get finger waves then you would need to pay for their hair, AT LEAST, IMO. Red lipstick doesn't look good on everyone and not everyone likes lipstick, but at least anyone could apply it. I have absolutely no idea how to do finger waves, so if I was a BM I would definitely need to get my hair done professionally and it would be quite rude of you to basically force me to get my hair done by a pro. It does not matter that you let them pick their own dresses.
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    STARMOON44SP29
  • So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
    It's really rude.   Any shade of red lip is still asking them to potentially go out of their comfort zone.   And being flexible with dresses is nice but when you dictate other things it's not so nice.

    My friend's sister tried to do this.  She thought she was being flexible because the BMs could choose any floor length strapless dress from DB in blush.   But they couldn't pick the same ones as each other.   And they either all had to wear the same jewelry or only the MOH wore it.   And they had to wear matching shoes too from what I remember.   But the sister still thought she was being so flexible that she could force the BMs to buy matching clutches.   NO!

    The answer is that when you're forcing any aspect of the look it's on your dime.  But you also need to ask each BM individually what they think of such a thing.   I have big thick wavy hair.   It would take a ton of product and pins to get those easy looking finger waves.   And my pale pink skin doesn't look great in red lipstick so I don't get it.  So you forcing that look on me out of my pocket means that I'd be paying a lot of money to not look like myself.   And then because a red lip isn't neutral and wears off, I'd have to then BUY said red lipstick that I'd never wear again all because you wanted that look.

    But I'm supposed to feel better that I can keep the dress as a souvenir even though you want me to look like Alien-Banana?   Please don't.    
    PamBeesly524[Deleted User]
  • So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
    Yes, anytime you are dictating a certain look or attire, you should be covering the cost. 

    Doesn't matter if you were "flexible" on the dresses. (Though I don't call it flexible, I would call that being reasonable- allowing your BM's to choose something they like). 

    The only requirement of the WP is to show up on time, dressed in the agreed upon attire. It's not on your WP that you and your FI decided to have a 1920's theme; it's not their responsibility to complete your look. 
    frenchiekinPrettyGirlLostPupatella[Deleted User]
  • abcdevonn said:
    So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
    If you are going to ask them to get finger waves then you would need to pay for their hair, AT LEAST, IMO. Red lipstick doesn't look good on everyone and not everyone likes lipstick, but at least anyone could apply it. I have absolutely no idea how to do finger waves, so if I was a BM I would definitely need to get my hair done professionally and it would be quite rude of you to basically force me to get my hair done by a pro. It does not matter that you let them pick their own dresses.
    This.  While I tend to be personally pretty flexible on these things (I like to dress up) - this would basically be forcing me to have my hair done professionally.  The fact that you want finger waves or something else 20's inspired leaves me no option to do my own hair, because basically the 2 things I can do myself are wavy all-over curls or a sock bun.  So in essence, you are requiring professional hair.  For that reason alone, regardless of wanting a certain style/look, I would say you need to pay for it.

    Red lipstick looks insane on me, but I would consider wearing it for a very close friend who wasn't being psychotic about it.  And I would at least expect you to buy the lipstick.  I would never buy red lipstick for myself when all I ever wear is lip balm.  Again, I think holding a gun to their heads on this would be going a little far, so maybe consider just suggesting it instead of requiring.


    SP29PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    So here's an add on to this question:

    I know a lot of the ladies are saying if you require a certain look for hair or makeup the bride should pay for it.  I have a 1920's inspired wedding, so I want everyone to have a modern take on finger waves and a red lip (whatever shade red compliments their skin tone) and I was considering having my bridesmaids pay for their own hair and makeup because I allowed them to choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was floor length, black, and made out of mesh or chiffon that way the could pick whatever they felt pretty in and in whatever price range they wanted. Is it still rude if I don't pay for their hair and makeup then?
    NO! Have you read any of this thread. Floor length black chiffon dress is fine, but not everyone has that, so they still have to buy it. Therefore they are buying a dress for your wedding, which is the only thing they are required to buy to be a bridesmaid.

    You want specific hair, nails, makeup, shoes you pay for it, and you don't get upset if your bm say they prefer to wear their own shoes, do their own makeup etc.
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    spockforprezSP29PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • So I was recently in a wedding where bride asked all BMs to go dress shopping together, multiple times. She was set on a style that I felt incredibly uncomfortable in and even though I voiced my opinions and uncomfortably told her I felt self-conscious and bad about myself In the dress she still chose that one for all of us to wear. My sister who also was a BM had the same conversation with her. No one felt good in the dresses. But her vision trumped our comfort. I'm sure we looked uncomfortable in the pictures. Moral of the story, yes you can request (require?) your friends and family wear certain clothes or have their hair done a certain way, but really what is the cost? We were unhappy most of the day and while I did my best to hide that from her on the wedding day in sure it showed at some point. Please font let your vision of your wedding day supersede your friends comfort.
    This is just so sad, I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm curious- what did she say in response when you confronted her about not feeling comfortable in the dress?

    As I've said elsewhere in this thread, I'm a big believer in brides can ask and BMs can say they don't want to do something- and you did that. By ignoring your very direct comments about not being happy in the dress, the bride basically escalated it forcing you to either drop out or be uncomfortable, which is such a shitty position to put you in. I guess I kind of have to wonder how you (general you, as I know an unfortunately high number of people have dealt with this) can still continue to look at that person as a friend after they do that to you.
    charlotte989875PupatellaSP29[Deleted User]
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lc07 said:
    I say we cut all this crap once and for all and have bridesmaids dress themselves like any other guest would. 
    I hope this thread makes it into a Knot newsletter or something and the next thing you know, the hot new trend is, "Let your bridal party look like regular guests! Because everyone will know they're honored guests because they're literally standing up there with you, so it's all good!" 
    I have attended two weddings where the bridesmaids were dressed like normal guests. Loved it! I really do hope it catches on. Unfortunately, I doubt TK will ever suggest this since I assume their advertisers like David's Bridal would be not pleased. 
    huskypuppy14SP29[Deleted User]thisismynickname2


  • So I was recently in a wedding where bride asked all BMs to go dress shopping together, multiple times. She was set on a style that I felt incredibly uncomfortable in and even though I voiced my opinions and uncomfortably told her I felt self-conscious and bad about myself In the dress she still chose that one for all of us to wear. My sister who also was a BM had the same conversation with her. No one felt good in the dresses. But her vision trumped our comfort. I'm sure we looked uncomfortable in the pictures.

    Moral of the story, yes you can request (require?) your friends and family wear certain clothes or have their hair done a certain way, but really what is the cost? We were unhappy most of the day and while I did my best to hide that from her on the wedding day in sure it showed at some point. Please font let your vision of your wedding day supersede your friends comfort.

    This is just so sad, I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm curious- what did she say in response when you confronted her about not feeling comfortable in the dress?

    As I've said elsewhere in this thread, I'm a big believer in brides can ask and BMs can say they don't want to do something- and you did that. By ignoring your very direct comments about not being happy in the dress, the bride basically escalated it forcing you to either drop out or be uncomfortable, which is such a shitty position to put you in. I guess I kind of have to wonder how you (general you, as I know an unfortunately high number of people have dealt with this) can still continue to look at that person as a friend after they do that to you.


    I definitely don't look at her, or our friendship, the same way and I doubt I really will. All she said when me and my sister both voiced our concerns was that she didn't see it and we looked beautiful. Completely dismissive of our feelings. And she didn't pick that dress when we were with her (I went twice, the week before my wedding, declined going a third time which she was VERY unhappy about) and just texted us that she picked this one and we should all go order it. So yah my decision was to drop out or just suck it up. I did just wear the dress, but really we will never be friends like we were ever again. There were a number of other incidents that she similarly dismissed how people were feeling or was blatantly rude to people over the course of the planning and the wedding that just really make me look at her very differently now.
    PupatellaSP29
  • I'm only having one BM (my MOH) and I told her to wear whatever she likes, because I want her to enjoy the day!
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  • *eyeroll* No. It's not OK to ask people to have 20s style finger waves and red lipstick because your theme is 1920s. People feel pressured to say yes to the bride even when they don't want to. It's imposing even to ask.

    If you want to perpetuate your 1920s theme, dress up your tables, pick appropriate decor, pick a glitzy venue, serve speakeasy inspired cocktails, etc. But don't try to make people fit your theme. They're people, not props.
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    AddieCakeSP29PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    The thing about having your bridesmaids look like they stepped out of the 20s is that while it might look cool, are your guests dressing that way? Nope. So it's not like it's a theme party where everyone is playing into the theme. So to ask your girls to look so specific with the hair and red lips just seems strange to me.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    The thing about having your bridesmaids look like they stepped out of the 20s is that while it might look cool, are your guests dressing that way? Nope. So it's not like it's a theme party where everyone is playing into the theme. So to ask your girls to look so specific with the hair and red lips just seems strange to me.
    I find when brides/couples get this specific with their BMs that they are most likely asking, aka requiring, their guests to dress in style with the theme as well.  Because ZOMG, my Gatsby theme is more important then ANYTHING!

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Congrats on your engagement!

    I ended up at David's Bridal and after a lot of hunting I narrowed it down to a fabric, length and color (with their input of course). I chose 5 or 6 options that looked similar (all different necklines but same length, color, fabric) and had them choose the style they liked.

    I had one of my bridesmaids try on a bunch and narrow it down to the options - it was much easier than when we went out in a large group and tried on everything under the sun. You can ask them to wear a certain color shoes. Leave the rest up to them.

    I think asking them to wear their hair a certain way is a little much - I know brides do this, but I think it's a bit of a personal decision. I always try to put myself in my bridesmaids' shoes before I decide on something. I HATE how updos look on me and I always hate them when I get them done. I would be very uncomfortable with it up. I am letting my bridesmaids do whatever they want with their hair - completely up to them. I think makeup is too personal for you to decide how they should do it.

    I love when bridesmaids look like individuals. I love my friends and want them to just feel comfortable. I think that's always the best route to go.  

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