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Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

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Re: Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

  • i should also mention that in our conversation back in the fall she scolded me like i was a child and called me a 'liar' about unrelated issues. none of it was true and back then i told her she needed to watch how she spoke to me. 

    my main question is, is this grounds for dismissal? anyone who knows me knows it takes A LOT to get me to this point of anger but i am there and i emailed her and stood firm in how angry and hurt i am. my parents want her out too as well as two of my other bridesmaids. but they all agree the final decision is up to me. i know for a fact i will lose her as a friend and at this point, i don't consider her a friend. the only thing i care about is how it will affect my friendships with my other childhood friends. if my MOH knew what was said about her mother being dead she would be devestated and i can't do that to her but otherwise i think she's going to say i'm being too drastic but this conversation has me sick to my stomach when i think about it
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am new to posting anything on the knot in the forums but I need outside perspective. 

    I have four friends from middle school. Two of them existed as far back as elementary. Our relationships with each other as individuals have ebbed and flowed over the years but we've remained somewhat of a 'group'. Two of the girls were my very best friends for many years but around the time I started dating my fiance, we started to grow apart. There were no hard feelings on my part but their feelings got hurt in the meantime. This was an issue I addressed with both of them on more than one occasion but even afterwards, the friendship with each of them just feels non-existant. Yet, I asked them both to be my bridesmaids because I wanted to honor the years of friendship we had and things weren't as bad as they are right now. This was about a year ago. 

    This fall there were issues again with both of them that I tried to work through and in the process was not spoken to very nicely. I forgave and moved on and didn't make a huge deal of it but one of the comments was 'I'm glad Jay finally made a decision to propose and go through with it. we know he doesn't always finish things he's started. hasn't he been in school for eight years taking classes?"

    i was stunned at this comment because there is no truth to it whatsoever. I don't even know where in the world she came up with this and when I confronted her about it she got snappy with me and backed out of the wedding herself only to later come back to me and say she wanted to be up there and was 'sorry'. ( i don't really think her apology was genuine) so me being the forgiving and understanding person that i am looked past this and kept moving forward. This was in October.

    Now, fast forward to two days ago. My MOH sent out an email about the cost of hair and makeup by the woman I hired to come to us. 162 for hair and makeup including the cost of traveling to us and the use of a second stylist. Hair and makeup each is 97, also including a second stylist. I in no way ever demanded they get both services done. I said if you choose one service, please choose hair because makeup is easy enough to do on your own. I thought I made it option. The other childhood friend texted me within minutes of the email going out and said that it was more expensive than she expected (which is totally fine if they can't afford it. i completely understand) but she took it upon herself to find a different salon to get her hair done at and then three other girls in my party followed her including my MOH. I sort of felt...like I was being abandoned by my bridesmaids for the morning of the wedding, to be honest. I was planning on having us all get together and having breakfast with drinks and just spending the time together. I made it optional but never expected them to just haul off and make their own plans without ever at least just asking me what the plan was for the morning and seeing what i thought. i was told what she was doing and she lead the way for everyone else. 

    let me make myself VERY CLEAR. from day one, i made one of my top priorities to be not burdening them with costs. I chose a standard davids bridal dress at 150 bucks and we are doing a girls weekend at a lakehouse for my bach party because i don't like to go out drinking or partying. the lakehouse is $150 for each girl for two nights and that's it. it isn't far. my mom and my aunts are hosting the venue for my wedding shower, which is only a half hour away as well. the bridesmaids are being asked to contribute decorations and games (which i have plenty of things they can use so they don't need to shell out much money for) those are the only TWO things they are spending money on. no special shoes or jewlrey. no far distances. no hotel rooms. no spraytans. no mandataroy nails. no bridezilla requests. NONE. 


    it's not hair or makeup or plans that has me so deeply hurt. it's this following conversation with the friend who made her own hair plans and lead the way for everyone else that i am so crushed by. i texted her two days ago asking what time she would get her hair done because i had really wanted everyone to be together the morning of the wedding and here is what followed. 

    me: "hey, what is the earliest you think you could get your hair done? I was planning on all of us having breakfast together and watchign dumb wedding movies while we started getting ready in the morning?'

    her: the salon is open early they are confimring they can get us out on time

    me: oh okay who is all going?

    her: lesley and me are but i am finding out if they can take two more depending on what courtney and colleen decide

    me" okay, i just feel like you guys will miss out on getting ready as a group"

    her"we will, for part of it. but if you want us to be there it comes down to money and that's the bottom line."

    me:"that's why i made makeup optional. i wasn't expecting or requriing both be done. i can cover the cost of the assistant so the hair is cheaper that way. i never cared about makeup..i'm not trying to be difficult."

    her: if hair isn't optional then, you have to pay.'

    her" not optional=you pay"

    her "it's not worth going around and around. if you change your mind, let me know"

    her "typically when it's optional the party can pay and do whatever.

    her "if it is not optional, the bride pays.

    me "i don't know, i asked several brides and bridesmaids when looking and they told me they pauid that amount so i just used that as my guide."

    her"those are not the same brides i have spoken to or had experience with. if hair doesn't matter no problem. if you care it's a different story."

    me"i just didn't think half of you were going to be gone in the morning is all"

    her "gina, it's a ton of money, if you want us there please pay. we are not paying."

    her "this is not a grey situation"

    me: "i guess i'm thrown because back over the summer when i mentioned this to everyone, you all seemed okay and i'm perfectly find with you doing your own hair and makeup if money is a problem instead of all together going somewhere else. i never expected that. i'm not trying to go round and round i'm just being honest without seeming out of place, i guess. if it's a big burden then just do both yourself. i looked at several different options and everyone else i found wanted at least 100 each for hair and makeup. i was really, really careful about this."

    her: totally understand you're not trying to be unreasonable however, i was surprised when your mom asked us to chip in for the bridal shower.

    her" and even more surprised when the price went up"

    her"so i'm saying enough. enough is enough."

    me"we all chipped in for colleen's bridal shower."                         (colleen is my MOH)

    her" colleens mom is dead."

    her "that is why"

    her "that is the 100% truth"

    me "the bridesmaids are absolutely supposed to help with the shower."

    her "the mother of the bride typically throws the shower. help, yeah"

    her "but gina, your mom has much more money than any of us do"

    her "so it's kinda rude"

    her "my mom would never ask for money from 20 year olds...for anything"

    me "my aunt's are hosting the venue. do not bring my mother into this, please"

    her "then we can't have an honest discussion and should stop talking about it"

    me "i have been to five showers in the last three years and my coworker just had a shower and her bridal party threw the entire thing without anyhelp from parents. no one is asking that of you."

    her "that is true, when the parents don't have means"

    me"everyone i know who had a shower have parents who have means but it is agesture from the bridal party to chip in a bit. nothing crazy just to decorate and play games. things like that. i would have absolutely helped pay for colleens shower regardless of if her mom was here or because she is one of my best friends"

    her "we fully expect decorations. your mom asked us to sponsor the venue"

    me "this is my mom's first round doing this. that's not even happening. she and my aunt's are paying for the entire thing"

    her: "it was very surprosing to be a 20 something asked by someone with enormous means to pay for a venue.

    her "you have to see  how that's a little backwards"

    me "my mother never asked you to pay for the venue. there was an email that went around that wasa misunderstood. you were only ever asked to help with shower and games and i do not appreciate being spoken to like this when you have your wires crossed."





    and the conversation ended there.

    i was hysterical reading these text messages from her when none of them were even true. i just absolutely cannot even get over the way she spoke to me or what she said. our friendship has been drifiting for two years now but NEVER IN MY LIFE would i DREAM OF SPEAKING TO SOMEONE THIS WAY. forget the fact that i'm a bride, what about a friend? and to bring my mom into this. how DARE she. my fiance read all of these and he is beyond infuriated. she spoke to me with such disdain and complete disrespect and what she said about my our friend's mom being dead. i was stunned. at this point, my fiance is demanding she be removed from the bridal party and i agree with him and i would have done it two nights ago but my only hang up is what the other girls will say. will i come off as being too extreme? will it make my other friendships weird and awkawrd with future planning? i don't know what to do. everyone who knows me knows i am the most forgiving and udnerstanding person on the planet as i have showed time adn time again and i can forgive this too but to have her stand up there next to me? she treated me like a complete piece of garbage and everyone i've spoken to agrees. 

    yet i don't know what to do so i am reaching out for advice.

    she never gave me a second to explain the morning of the wedding or what i wanted or the fact that if she wanted to do make up and hair it was fine. quite honestly i always thought as a bridesmaid and every bridesmaid i ever talked to paid for their hair on their own. 


    she then sent me an email and copy and pasted all this bridal ettitquite stuff from online about who pays for who as if this is some sort of contract that we are signing. she even made sure to hgihlight and underline the parts about hair and makeup. 









    she also lives on park avenue in manhattan.



    i don't know what to do but i am beyond disgusted. 




    i should also mention that in our conversation back in the fall she scolded me like i was a child and called me a 'liar' about unrelated issues. none of it was true and back then i told her she needed to watch how she spoke to me. 

    my main question is, is this grounds for dismissal? anyone who knows me knows it takes A LOT to get me to this point of anger but i am there and i emailed her and stood firm in how angry and hurt i am. my parents want her out too as well as two of my other bridesmaids. but they all agree the final decision is up to me. i know for a fact i will lose her as a friend and at this point, i don't consider her a friend. the only thing i care about is how it will affect my friendships with my other childhood friends. if my MOH knew what was said about her mother being dead she would be devestated and i can't do that to her but otherwise i think she's going to say i'm being too drastic but this conversation has me sick to my stomach when i think about it
    JIC

    Punctuation and capitalization are your friends.

    TL;DR but I could gather that you are asking them to spend at least $500 without checking their budgets beforehand. $150 for a bachelorette is actually a lot, and they may need time off work. It's also a lot for some people for a BM dress.

    And as for "grounds for dismissal" - only do that if you want to end the friendship. Because it will.
    onefootinthebayouInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • I disagree. $150 is the standard amount at Davids Bridal. My MOH just got married in October and that is the exact amount we paid for the dress she chose.

    She made completely false accusations about my mom, talked about her 'finances', and called her rude. Who the hell is she to talk about my mom that way especially when none of it was ever true?! She was NEVER asked to help pay for a shower. NEVER.  Our MOH's bach party was over $200 and no one had any issue with it. No one, and they were the same girls. I should also mention that no one is taking ANY time off for my bach party, at all. I asked them all if they would rather do it over Memorial Day Weekend so they wouldn't have to take time off and they agreed. I asked them if they would like hair and makeup back over the summer and they agreed. I told them there was no reason to get special shoes, accessories, spray tans, hotel rooms, or anything else. 

    I also never demanded they get hair done!!!!!! or makeup! I would absolutely pay for hair and makeup if I required it!

    No one EVER gave me the chance to say otherwise before she started berating me and insulting my mom. 

    She was not open and honest. She was downright rude, inconsiderate, and mean. This is not the first time she has done this either. I was the one trying to have an open conversation with her and then she just got plain NASTY. 

    again....bach party 150 plus dress 150 = $300. We are not going anywhere far for either and my mom is treating them all to a manicure the day before the wedding.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I disagree. $150 is the standard amount at Davids Bridal. My MOH just got married in October and that is the exact amount we paid for the dress she chose.

    She made completely false accusations about my mom, talked about her 'finances', and called her rude. Who the hell is she to talk about my mom that way especially when none of it was ever true?! She was NEVER asked to help pay for a shower. NEVER.  Our MOH's bach party was over $200 and no one had any issue with it. No one, and they were the same girls. I should also mention that no one is taking ANY time off for my bach party, at all. I asked them all if they would rather do it over Memorial Day Weekend so they wouldn't have to take time off and they agreed. I asked them if they would like hair and makeup back over the summer and they agreed. I told them there was no reason to get special shoes, accessories, spray tans, hotel rooms, or anything else. 

    I also never demanded they get hair done!!!!!! or makeup! I would absolutely pay for hair and makeup if I required it!

    No one EVER gave me the chance to say otherwise before she started berating me and insulting my mom. 

    She was not open and honest. She was downright rude, inconsiderate, and mean. This is not the first time she has done this either. I was the one trying to have an open conversation with her and then she just got plain NASTY. 

    again....bach party 150 plus dress 150 = $300. We are not going anywhere far for either and my mom is treating them all to a manicure the day before the wedding.
    Guess what - none of this matters. See previous post.
    InLoveInQueens
  • I disagree. $150 is the standard amount at Davids Bridal. My MOH just got married in October and that is the exact amount we paid for the dress she chose.

    She made completely false accusations about my mom, talked about her 'finances', and called her rude. Who the hell is she to talk about my mom that way especially when none of it was ever true?! She was NEVER asked to help pay for a shower. NEVER.  Our MOH's bach party was over $200 and no one had any issue with it. No one, and they were the same girls. I should also mention that no one is taking ANY time off for my bach party, at all. I asked them all if they would rather do it over Memorial Day Weekend so they wouldn't have to take time off and they agreed. I asked them if they would like hair and makeup back over the summer and they agreed. I told them there was no reason to get special shoes, accessories, spray tans, hotel rooms, or anything else. 

    I also never demanded they get hair done!!!!!! or makeup! I would absolutely pay for hair and makeup if I required it!

    No one EVER gave me the chance to say otherwise before she started berating me and insulting my mom. 

    She was not open and honest. She was downright rude, inconsiderate, and mean. This is not the first time she has done this either. I was the one trying to have an open conversation with her and then she just got plain NASTY. 

    again....bach party 150 plus dress 150 = $300. We are not going anywhere far for either and my mom is treating them all to a manicure the day before the wedding.
    Well I doubt she just made up that she thinks she is paying for the bridal shower. You said (somewhere in all this nonsense) that it was a misunderstanding, which is not the same thing as never being asked. Clearly, she thought she was asked and clearly, she felt that was inconsiderate.

    You obviously aren't going to like the advice you receive here. Everyone here advocates for treating your bridesmaids like human people - even friends! If this person is mean to you, you shouldn't have asked her to be your bridesmaid. You did, and now she is. Treat her kindly, or you will lose her friendship and likely those of the other bridesmaids that she's friendly with, since they probably feel the same way.

    $300 may not seem like that much to you, but it sure seems like plenty to me. And regardless of your friend's address, it may be a lot to her, or a lot for her to spend for a wedding. People can spend their own money however they choose, and you can't sit by and say that they aren't spending enough on you. It's just not how the world works.
    YogaSandySP29
  • there was nothing polite about that conversation. i have emails where i clearly state that both makeup and hair are optional. two of my other bridesmaids read this conversation and completely agree that she was totally out of line, rude, dismissive, inconsiderate, and nasty. 

    I don't think I am being dramatic at all. To completely lie about my mom asking them to throw a shower is wrong. How does anyone not see this? 

    I am not sure what you think my expectations are. I certainly don't expect them to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars....and I am not asking them to. I never would. Period. I have let three others read this conversation whom all got married, had bach parties, showers and spent much, much more than I am asking anyone to. I realize everyone has a different opinion of what a wedding should and shouldn't be but every single one of my friends who has gotten married had a shower and bach party and that's all i am having and i would never expect anything lavish. 

    and you're right. i asked them because they were my friends and i wanted support on that day..but she has absolutely not been supportive and the way she spoke to me clearly conveys that she has zero regard for the way she makes others feel. 


    i absolutely consulted each of them about what they felt comfortable spending. i spoke to the other girls about this and they all agreed they don't think i have been demanding or inconsiderate about a single thing.


  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    there was nothing polite about that conversation. i have emails where i clearly state that both makeup and hair are optional. two of my other bridesmaids read this conversation and completely agree that she was totally out of line, rude, dismissive, inconsiderate, and nasty. 

    I don't think I am being dramatic at all. To completely lie about my mom asking them to throw a shower is wrong. How does anyone not see this? 

    I am not sure what you think my expectations are. I certainly don't expect them to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars....and I am not asking them to. I never would. Period. I have let three others read this conversation whom all got married, had bach parties, showers and spent much, much more than I am asking anyone to. I realize everyone has a different opinion of what a wedding should and shouldn't be but every single one of my friends who has gotten married had a shower and bach party and that's all i am having and i would never expect anything lavish. 

    and you're right. i asked them because they were my friends and i wanted support on that day..but she has absolutely not been supportive and the way she spoke to me clearly conveys that she has zero regard for the way she makes others feel. 


    i absolutely consulted each of them about what they felt comfortable spending. i spoke to the other girls about this and they all agreed they don't think i have been demanding or inconsiderate about a single thing.


    A bra is for support. Your fiance is for support.

    And just because you've done something for others in the past does not mean they need to do it for you, or that they're bad friends for not doing it. Your friend thinks you must not care about her feelings or budget, and so if you truly have reason to be "hurt" by her, it's probably because she's fed up with feeling like you don't care about her.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • there was nothing polite about that conversation. i have emails where i clearly state that both makeup and hair are optional. two of my other bridesmaids read this conversation and completely agree that she was totally out of line, rude, dismissive, inconsiderate, and nasty. 

    I don't think I am being dramatic at all. To completely lie about my mom asking them to throw a shower is wrong. How does anyone not see this? 

    I am not sure what you think my expectations are. I certainly don't expect them to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars....and I am not asking them to. I never would. Period. I have let three others read this conversation whom all got married, had bach parties, showers and spent much, much more than I am asking anyone to. I realize everyone has a different opinion of what a wedding should and shouldn't be but every single one of my friends who has gotten married had a shower and bach party and that's all i am having and i would never expect anything lavish. 

    and you're right. i asked them because they were my friends and i wanted support on that day..but she has absolutely not been supportive and the way she spoke to me clearly conveys that she has zero regard for the way she makes others feel. 


    i absolutely consulted each of them about what they felt comfortable spending. i spoke to the other girls about this and they all agreed they don't think i have been demanding or inconsiderate about a single thing.


    None of your friends are going to tell you that you are being unreasonable. That's why you should listen to the people on this board. We're all strangers and have no stake in your life. We aren't lying to you. We read the conversation as you printed it here. We're saying that it's not that outrageous, rude, and whatever other words you are using. Your friend feels like you are asking too much, and that means that you are. Call her, tell her that you're sorry for any misunderstanding about the bridal shower and the hair, explain that you do not expect her to pay for those things, and move on.
    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]SP29
  • the responses i'm seeing assume that i didn't speak to my girls about their budgets. please believe me when i say, i did. i have made it my first priority to always talk to them about what they feel okay and not okay spending money on. I never, ever meant or intended any of this to happen. my mom only wanted their help with decorating and games. they aren't responsible for paying for the venue. 


    i also advocate for treating my bridesmaids like humans. i'm not sure what is coming off in a way that i am not. 

    i don't pepper them with annoying questions or demands about being places or constant emails. i was going to treat them to breakfast the morning of the wedding while we got ready. 

    i also know that $300 is a lot of money. i do not have any sort of high paying job. i did not consult online references for what was acceptable and not acceptable. i talked to several bridesmaids all with different jobs and who live in different places.

    so please understand, i have taken EVERY measure i can to consider them and their situations. 
  • ladies, i did reach out to her. we did talk..not over the phone but through email because our schedules are totally different. she said she agrees i have been very sensitive with the issue of money and costs and have often turned down expensive options for cheaper ones.

    This is why i didn't understand why the conversation took such a crappy turn. 

    Look, I handed the phone to other people to make sure I wasn't the one being ridiculous. I consulted with my girls BEFORE booking this girl for hair and makeup. I asked them what THEY thought of a lakehouse and if we could find something within their budget. I told them we were going nto find the CHEAPEST dress at davids bridal. i am letting one of my girls crash in my apartment the weekend of the wedding because she is coming from a few hours away and i don't want her spending the money on a hotel.


    please, please try and understand i have been as accomodating as i possibly can about money. 

    my issue isn't over money. i just wish she could have spoken to me like a human and not someone who was her enemy. that is all. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You sound like one of the family from Downton Abbey: "How dare she speak to me in that way? That is out of line!"

    Just because you're not used to someone being blunt with you doesn't mean that they're being mean to you. She's even trying to help you understand what's up by responding with so much explanation. Much like... all of these posts.
    ShesSoColdHeffalumpPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    lyndausvi said:
    Must be nice to be so perfect an never misunderstand a situation.

    If you are correct, then your BM has a misunderstanding.   It happens to the best of us.

    Your options are to be DEEPLY hurt.  Or you can be an adult and CALL HER or speak to her in person and say "I think there is a misunderstanding here.   Mom wasn't asking for you to pay for the shower.  I wasn't making you get your hair done.   I'm sorry if you felt that we were."   And then move on.

    I have a feeling you would rather play they "my BM sucks" card instead. 
    And so much this.

    I'm sorry, but you are being overly dramatic here.  A simple clarification on your part, you know, over the phone instead of through text or email so nothing gets lost in translation, would probably do wonders.

    STARMOON44PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]SP29
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