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Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

13

Re: Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

  • "she also lives on park avenue in manhattan."

    I think PPs mostly have it covered, but knowing her zip code does not mean you know her budget. This is such a silly thing to add into your post. When I was single, I used to afford my own place in downtown Hoboken, and I still wouldn't spend $400-$500 on a friend's wedding unless they were my (current) best friend. For someone you've grown apart from? That's asking a lot.

    I also don't see where she was mean to you in those texts.
    InLoveInQueens
  • edited January 2016
    Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.
  • Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.
  • Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.
    Hi, welcome to The Knot. Here Bridesmaids are responsible for buying a dress (after privately discussing budget), showing up on the wedding day in good spirits, relatively sober and posing for pictures. Fin. 

    So, in your pretty little world bridesmaids are little worker elves who can be fired at will and any dissension earns them black marks in your books. Do I have this right? Your lack of capitilisation and punctuation make my eyes bleed and I can't read your posts completely. 
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited January 2016
    Here is what Miss Manners (Judith Martin) has to say about showers:

    "Bridal showers, and for that matter, baby showers, are supposed to be informal gatherings of the honoree’s close friends, who give charming little (repeat: little) presents befitting the circumstances-to-be. For the honoree’s parents to give showers, whether or not they can afford to do so, not only looks vulgar because of the focus on presents, but also destroys the premise.

    Those monster showers given today have become a burden on both hosts and guests, another in a series of events designed to collect whatever goods the honorees have announced that they want."


    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Clearly OP is just here for validation.  You won't get it though, because YOU are in the wrong, not your BM.  


    image
    InLoveInQueens
  • Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie1434719688 said:
    Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.
    What are you wanting from us? "Yes, she's obviously a bitch?" None of what you said would convey that. She doesn't seem totally unreasonable. You don't seem like a total bridezilla, just like you've made a misstep here or there in the assumption of costs. Maybe you both like drama, I don't know. It definitely seems like you do. Call her to clear things up if she's your friend. Tell her you can use whatever decorations (I'm sure she doesn't know that, because you haven't talked to her).

    I think you have a fundamental misconception about what a bridal party is for. They are not there to throw you parties (or help with them in any way). "Where I come from, bridal parties do this" is not a good enough reason for someone who is supposedly in a position of honor to be pressured by you, by your mom, etc. to do something they don't actually want to do. You honor the bridal party as the people with whom you are closest, by asking them to stand physically the closest to you as you get married. Expecting things from them is not a way to honor them. You're trying to say "I've only expected little things from them" and that still doesn't fly.

    Many bridal parties offer to throw parties, but I am sure that somewhere either you or your mom made it clear that certain unnecessary things are expected, and whether she's bringing it up because she's secretly concerned about her finances, or is upset on principle, or did it for someone else's wedding, or actually doesn't like you very much, those things still aren't expected.
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    DD (dirty delete) is rude. You were quoted. FYI. 
    ________________________________


  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.

    How many times do we need to tell you that what was done in previous weddings with other people or what you're used to or what happens in your "neck of the woods" means absolutely nothing?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    InLoveInQueens
  • Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.

    This isn't E approved - but why don't YOU just decorate then? You aren't supposed to throw your own shower or Bparty, but I think I'd rather YOU do the work and YOU spend the money than force it onto your poor BMs.
    image
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.
    Maybe they were sick of you constantly texting them about the wedding.  


    image
    [Deleted User]
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.
    Look this is the deal.  She misunderstood things.  I dont see her treating you bad, however I can see how you might jump to those conclusions.  Which made you get all defensive when she was simply communicate with you.  Around and around you go.

    The only way to get off this merry-go-round is to kick her out.  Or be the bigger person and recognize that for whatever reason there is a misunderstanding, apologize and move on.

    If you would rather play the martyr card. Go ahead, have fun.  Personally I have better things to do that deal with childish behavior over a misunderstanding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    collegechic
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.
    Still inappropriate. Your mom was wrong to ask them to do anything. 

    It's clear from the text exchange that you think that BMs are supposed to be involved in a shower and that they are lucky they didn't have to pay for the venue. You are wrong.

    Instead of freaking out and responding non-sense on here like you've been doing to the BM, take a deep breath and read the etiquette on here. For example, on showers: A shower is thrown by someone who offers to throw a shower. Anyone other than the bride and groom can offer, no one is responsible or expected to. When someone offers to host, she takes on the responsibilities of the whole event. She does not delegate responsibilities or costs to anyone else, except that she can ask the couple for a guest list. If someone offers to help her, she can choose whether or not to accept that help. 
    short+sassySP29
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2016
    Heffalump said:
    Can someone sum up? I couldn't make it through the original post.
    Bride used to be friends with four people in middle school.  Describes her friendship with 2/4 as "non-existant" [sic].

    Edit:  naturally, all four of these women are now her bridesmaids.

    [drama]

    Bride booked hair and makeup.  Told BMs it was on them, and if they can only do one, pick hair, 'cause they can do their own makeup. [side-eye]

    One BM said it was out of her budget and booked somewhere else.  Other BMs followed suit.  Bride is displeased because she "was planning on all of us having breakfast together and watchign [sic] dumb wedding movies while we started getting ready in the morning?"  Bride tries to pressure BMs into all getting their hair done together, to the point of subsidizing the assistant (but not the main stylist).  BM is not biting via text, and correctly points out that if hair is required, it's on the bride; otherwise, they're going where they can afford.

    BM points out they they are already chipping in for the shower, and "enough is enough."

    Bride says she chipped in for someone else's shower.  "the bridesmaids are absolutely supposed to help with the shower." /fin

    Bride then claims in her post that she was "hysterical" reading these texts.

    Oh, and the texting BM lives on Park Avenue.  You know, in Manhattan.




    Oh my...


    Whatever happened to picking up the phone and using your words to sort out misunderstandings?

    SP29
  • Not looking for anything, ladies. Just trying to sort it out. Geez.
  • I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.
    From your initial post, your C&P text exchange, and your follow up posts. 

    When you have calmed down, please come back and read what you have written. I think it will help you tremendously in resolving your issues with the BM. 
    OliveOilsMomSP29adwks
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its


    it's not nice to delete your post.   Have no fear, it was quoted already.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    madamerwin
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2016
    I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.
    This just happened, yet you've had time to show it to all your other bridesmaids and write several novels. Good Lord.

    And there really should not have been any need to "cool off" based on said text exchange.
    charlotte989875STARMOON44PrettyGirlLost
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.
    This is where the story should begin and end.  This is someone you have known for years.  You are clearly aware that she "starts issues when she has her wires crossed", and apparently this happens "all the time".

    Knottie1434719688, if you were aware of her character traits, you should have nipped this drama in the bud with a simple, clear, and concise conversation.

    I understand that timing a phone call might be tricky, but it is NOT impossible.  My son and his wife lived across the country from each other for a year.  They are also medical residents and often have long and/or opposite working hours.  They managed to find a time for phone calls even with extreme time zone differences and sleep schedules.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.
    Really, it "just" happened, is that in human time or geologic time because that's a whole lot of writing for something that just happened.

    [Deleted User]cowgirl8238
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.
    Really, it "just" happened, is that in human time or geologic time because that's a whole lot of writing for something that just happened.


    And OP said that she would have kicked this BM out two days ago....

    So much this

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomcowgirl8238
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