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Wedding Woes
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[Deleted User]
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Recent Death in the Family and Wedding Planning Etiquette
in Wedding Woes
Hi, all. I'm relatively new to this site, and this is my first post. I could really use some advice. My MIL's cancer returned this summer, so instead of waiting for our big wedding/reception date in mid-May 2016, we had a civil ceremony at the end of July. We wanted to be sure she would see us married, and we actually had my wife's parents stand up with us (my parents are both deceased, and her Mom said it was one of her proudest moments).
Unfortunately, her health deteriorated rapidly after that, and we spent all the time we could after that wrapped up in helping care for her and making as many memories as possible. She passed away mid-December (and a friend's husband passed away just before that, more quickly than anticipated). We discussed it, and though neither of us is very enthusiastic about it anymore (for obvious reasons), we know she would want us to continue with our plans for our big wedding and reception in May, and to also use it as a chance to see family neither of us has been able to see for a very long time. We will do what we can to honor her that day, and will use her decorating ideas to help us feel her presence with us on what is sure to be a very bittersweet day.
But on to the practicalities, as she would have said. We are now very behind in our wedding planning, and we never mailed out any Save-the-Dates. The majority of our families/wedding guest live in other states, and need time to plan their trips, if they indeed can come. So when do we send our invitations (or do we still send Save-the-Dates, but asap?)? And how do we word them when it feels a little crass and self-centered to be talking about celebrating anything yet. (It's only been a month since we lost her, but the wedding is now just 4 months out.) Help, suggestions, please. (Positive or helpful comments only, please. Haters need not reply.)
Unfortunately, her health deteriorated rapidly after that, and we spent all the time we could after that wrapped up in helping care for her and making as many memories as possible. She passed away mid-December (and a friend's husband passed away just before that, more quickly than anticipated). We discussed it, and though neither of us is very enthusiastic about it anymore (for obvious reasons), we know she would want us to continue with our plans for our big wedding and reception in May, and to also use it as a chance to see family neither of us has been able to see for a very long time. We will do what we can to honor her that day, and will use her decorating ideas to help us feel her presence with us on what is sure to be a very bittersweet day.
But on to the practicalities, as she would have said. We are now very behind in our wedding planning, and we never mailed out any Save-the-Dates. The majority of our families/wedding guest live in other states, and need time to plan their trips, if they indeed can come. So when do we send our invitations (or do we still send Save-the-Dates, but asap?)? And how do we word them when it feels a little crass and self-centered to be talking about celebrating anything yet. (It's only been a month since we lost her, but the wedding is now just 4 months out.) Help, suggestions, please. (Positive or helpful comments only, please. Haters need not reply.)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Recent Death in the Family and Wedding Planning Etiquette
Now, What you're proposing is strongly looked down upon at The Knot so if you plan on moving forward regardless, this probably isn't the best forum for you. Just being honest.
Your wedding day is the day you were legally married. You moved it up so she could be there, don't bastardize that by staging a fake recreation.
You can host a party to celebrate your marriage. Most will tell you that it can't include the wedding trimmings, cake, first dances, dress etc. I'm not as bothered by that stuff at a marriage celebration and given your circumstances your family probably won't side eye it either.
As for the rest, Kimmi's got it covered yo. In the nicest, most concise way you will hear it on these boards.
Now, you need to understand that you are a married couple, and you cannot have another wedding. I would suggest that you plan an anniversary party, instead. Invite all your friends and family that you would have invited to your wedding, and have a wonderful time. No wedding dress. No vows. No cake cutting ceremony. No bridesmaids. Buy a lovely dress and have a great anniversary celebration. Hire the DJ and dance the night away. You can drink champagne, and toast to your first year of marriage.
Congratulations on your marriage!
(or, Ms. Jane Jones and Ms. Sue Smith)
Date
If you haven't sent out marriage announcements yet, you really should do this ASAP. Here is the correct wording:
No other information is proper. Mail these to all of your friends and family to officially announce that you are married. This does not mean that people should send you gifts, though some might. You will probably get a lot of nice cards of congratulations.
ETF: correct spouse
If you think that isn't a kind or appropriate response, then best of luck to you pal. Also, welcome to the internet, you don't get to dictate how people respond to you and you're going to love what's coming your way next.
You cannot get married again. It is impossible, unless you are divorced or widowed. You made this decision (correctly, IMHO) when you decided to get married so that your FMIL could be there to see it. This was your wedding. You get ONE.
What you are planning is known as a PPD - Pretty Princess Day. It is a fake wedding that has no legal meaning. It is like little girls playing dress up bride and pretending to get married. I think this dishonors your previous wedding.
Many, many brides are married in a simple civil ceremony like you had. Many members of my family chose this. These brides all cherish their wedding day. For you to decide that a legal marriage just isn't good enough is very insulting.
I know that you didn't mean to offend people, but you just did with this post. If you are going to go ahead with your PPD, please be honest with all of your guests and let them know that you are already married, and this this is just a show, not a legal wedding. People will find out, and if you aren't honest with them, they will be very angry.
In your original post, you said, "we know she would want us to continue with our plans for our big wedding and reception." You did not state that it was her dying request.
You can absolutely continue with plans for a celebration of your recent marriage. However, your wedding, whether big or private, has already occurred.
Whatever you are planning will not be a wedding. It cannot be a wedding. It will be a PPD.
The rules do not change for anyone because of special circumstances. Do you honestly think that you are the first person who has faced this situation? Lots of brides have had the same situation, and they were mature enough to accept the consequences of their decision.
We tried to help you. You insist that your situation is SPESHUL, so the rules and laws do not apply to you. Just go away.
Sorry, couldn't resist it
Except here on the knut, where we have benevolent knotgod dictators.
It's inappropriate for you to reenact your "wedding" simply because it was a civil ceremony that took place so that your MIL could be present.
That she has since passed away or expressed a wish that you continue with the plans you cancelled doesn't make what you want to do appropriate.
You're married now. Unless you get divorced and remarried, that ceremony in which you married your wife was your "wedding."
But having had a legal ceremony, it is rude (and depending on the circumstances, fradulent) to claim not to be "married" while simultaneously claiming legal and other benefits offered to those who are "married" because you underwent that legal ceremony.
But having had a legal ceremony, it is rude (and depending on the circumstances, fradulent) to claim not to be "married" while simultaneously claiming legal and other benefits offered to those who are "married" because you underwent that legal ceremony.
* * * * *
I understand and didn't mean to imply any slight towards civil weddings. Several of my best friends were married by Justice of the Peace or non-religious friends who applied for minister licenses. Those couples are definitely married in my mind and I would be offended on their behalf if they were treated otherwise. Just honestly curious since I could see this as a common rationale for PPDs, and some of those people may just be confused on how to manage the situation.
I do know of a poster (Bostonian, I think) who did get a dispensation to split the two. But you have to do that. I'm sure people don't want to show up to their planned church wedding to discover that the priest can't perform the rite because there isn't a marriage license for him to sign.