I'm TORN over this, please help.

[Deleted User]

Long story, but I'll try for brevity.

- My fiance dated a girl probably 4 years ago for a couple months. They slept together, but decided they'd be better as friends. For the next couple years, they became "best friends."

-When I was first introduced to her, she was very nice to me. I didn't have a problem with her at all...UNTIL he decided to invite her to go with us on my first trip to meet his family. It was a 12 hour drive, and a week long trip, and I felt like it should be MY moment...not a moment where he brought an ex-girlfriend/best friend.

-The first day, we all got along great. The problem was that my fiance wasn't being great about involving us both in activities with his family and she and I felt a little excluded. We bonded over this. That afternoon, I told him I was uncomfortable and he apologized to me. He and I decided to take a nap.

-At this point, she FREAKED OUT. I mean went nuts. This is a drunk woman in her mid-thirties. She started screaming at me in a kitchen full of his family, saying 
"I can't believe you're going to leave me alone with these people." I left in tears and told my fiance then went to go take a shower. In the middle of my shower, she burst in, ripped open the curtain, and started screaming at me again about "tattling on her" to my fiance. For the next couple days she remained drunk and hostile and decided to fly home early.

-She and my fiance decided to completely ignore this incident without any apology to me and continued their friendship.

-A few months later, she got drunk and started screaming at me in a bar about something rather embarrassing about me that someone had let slip to her. My fiance and friends tried to defend me, but I left in tears.

-At a wedding with her, when I was on my cell phone, she grabbed my phone from me and told me she wasn't going to give it back to me for the rest of the night because I was "texting like a child."

-At one point, my fiance got in a fight with her because he thought she should be treating me better.  She asked me to dinner and bought me a beer, and we talked for about 5 minutes about the conflicts, but she didn't apologize.

-Whenever we are in any situation together, everyone (not just my friends) ask me why she's always so aggressive to me.

HERE'S THE DILEMMA:

Understandably (I think) I'm fed up with this woman. We've been cordial to each other recently, so it's not like I've taken a huge step to cut her out of my life. 1. Because I try to avoid conflict, to a fault and 2. Because I'm trying to give her a chance because my fiance really likes her.

But here's the thing. I DON'T WANT HER AT MY WEDDING. My fiance does. He insists that if we don't invite her, it will be severing the friendship, and this will be uncomfortable because we have a friend group in common. She never got a Save the Date so it wouldn't be breaking etiquette not to invite her.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm really torn up over this. On the one hand, it probably wouldn't be a big deal if she came to the wedding. I probably wouldn't even talk to her. On the other hand, I'm devastated that my fiance doesn't care how horribly she's treated me, and I just want her GONE.

HELP!

nerdwife

carmella2016 said:

Long story, but I'll try for brevity.

- My fiance dated a girl probably 4 years ago for a couple months. They slept together, but decided they'd be better as friends. For the next couple years, they became "best friends."

-When I was first introduced to her, she was very nice to me. I didn't have a problem with her at all...UNTIL he decided to invite her to go with us on my first trip to meet his family. It was a 12 hour drive, and a week long trip, and I felt like it should be MY moment...not a moment where he brought an ex-girlfriend/best friend.

-The first day, we all got along great. The problem was that my fiance wasn't being great about involving us both in activities with his family and she and I felt a little excluded. We bonded over this. That afternoon, I told him I was uncomfortable and he apologized to me. He and I decided to take a nap.

-At this point, she FREAKED OUT. I mean went nuts. This is a drunk woman in her mid-thirties. She started screaming at me in a kitchen full of his family, saying 
"I can't believe you're going to leave me alone with these people." I left in tears and told my fiance then went to go take a shower. In the middle of my shower, she burst in, ripped open the curtain, and started screaming at me again about "tattling on her" to my fiance. For the next couple days she remained drunk and hostile and decided to fly home early.

-She and my fiance decided to completely ignore this incident without any apology to me and continued their friendship.

-A few months later, she got drunk and started screaming at me in a bar about something rather embarrassing about me that someone had let slip to her. My fiance and friends tried to defend me, but I left in tears.

-At a wedding with her, when I was on my cell phone, she grabbed my phone from me and told me she wasn't going to give it back to me for the rest of the night because I was "texting like a child."

-At one point, my fiance got in a fight with her because he thought she should be treating me better.  She asked me to dinner and bought me a beer, and we talked for about 5 minutes about the conflicts, but she didn't apologize.

-Whenever we are in any situation together, everyone (not just my friends) ask me why she's always so aggressive to me.

HERE'S THE DILEMMA:

Understandably (I think) I'm fed up with this woman. We've been cordial to each other recently, so it's not like I've taken a huge step to cut her out of my life. 1. Because I try to avoid conflict, to a fault and 2. Because I'm trying to give her a chance because my fiance really likes her.

But here's the thing. I DON'T WANT HER AT MY WEDDING. My fiance does. He insists that if we don't invite her, it will be severing the friendship, and this will be uncomfortable because we have a friend group in common. She never got a Save the Date so it wouldn't be breaking etiquette not to invite her.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm really torn up over this. On the one hand, it probably wouldn't be a big deal if she came to the wedding. I probably wouldn't even talk to her. On the other hand, I'm devastated that my fiance doesn't care how horribly she's treated me, and I just want her GONE.

HELP!

I think you should ask yourself if you want to marry someone who continues to be friends with someone who treats his partner like garbage.

banana468

tcarmella2016 said:

Long story, but I'll try for brevity.

- My fiance dated a girl probably 4 years ago for a couple months. They slept together, but decided they'd be better as friends. For the next couple years, they became "best friends."

-When I was first introduced to her, she was very nice to me. I didn't have a problem with her at all...UNTIL he decided to invite her to go with us on my first trip to meet his family. It was a 12 hour drive, and a week long trip, and I felt like it should be MY moment...not a moment where he brought an ex-girlfriend/best friend.

-The first day, we all got along great. The problem was that my fiance wasn't being great about involving us both in activities with his family and she and I felt a little excluded. We bonded over this. That afternoon, I told him I was uncomfortable and he apologized to me. He and I decided to take a nap.

-At this point, she FREAKED OUT. I mean went nuts. This is a drunk woman in her mid-thirties. She started screaming at me in a kitchen full of his family, saying 
"I can't believe you're going to leave me alone with these people." I left in tears and told my fiance then went to go take a shower. In the middle of my shower, she burst in, ripped open the curtain, and started screaming at me again about "tattling on her" to my fiance. For the next couple days she remained drunk and hostile and decided to fly home early.

-She and my fiance decided to completely ignore this incident without any apology to me and continued their friendship.

-A few months later, she got drunk and started screaming at me in a bar about something rather embarrassing about me that someone had let slip to her. My fiance and friends tried to defend me, but I left in tears.

-At a wedding with her, when I was on my cell phone, she grabbed my phone from me and told me she wasn't going to give it back to me for the rest of the night because I was "texting like a child."

-At one point, my fiance got in a fight with her because he thought she should be treating me better.  She asked me to dinner and bought me a beer, and we talked for about 5 minutes about the conflicts, but she didn't apologize.

-Whenever we are in any situation together, everyone (not just my friends) ask me why she's always so aggressive to me.

HERE'S THE DILEMMA:

Understandably (I think) I'm fed up with this woman. We've been cordial to each other recently, so it's not like I've taken a huge step to cut her out of my life. 1. Because I try to avoid conflict, to a fault and 2. Because I'm trying to give her a chance because my fiance really likes her.

But here's the thing. I DON'T WANT HER AT MY WEDDING. My fiance does. He insists that if we don't invite her, it will be severing the friendship, and this will be uncomfortable because we have a friend group in common. She never got a Save the Date so it wouldn't be breaking etiquette not to invite her.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm really torn up over this. On the one hand, it probably wouldn't be a big deal if she came to the wedding. I probably wouldn't even talk to her. On the other hand, I'm devastated that my fiance doesn't care how horribly she's treated me, and I just want her GONE.

HELP!

OK, there's a lot of ugly going on here:

Your FI is daft at best -  a foolish idiot may be better to describe him when it comes to his actions here:
A - When you invite a woman to 'meet the family' IMO it's foolish to invite someone else as a tagalong.   When that person is an ex GF, that just makes the waters muddy.

B - When that woman makes a scene and barges into the bathroom while you're in the shower, that's full on crazy.   There's no defending that.    If there was no defending me and the relationship continued as normal, that's the first sign that your FI is rather limp when it comes to defending the woman he's claiming he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I will also say that if you both bonded over how it's not cool to leave people alone at his family's home, what the hell were you thinking when YOU BOTH left her alone to take an afternoon nap?  Was it an agreed upon thing?   Did she have something to do?  Because at that point, she was already on the trip and I think it was kind of crappy of you both to go off and leave her alone.  The craziness is on her but you two did a lousy thing there. 

I also think that when you're at a wedding, that's not a time to text.   Taking your phone is completely inappropriate of her and so is using that time to text.   Your "crime" is hardly anything compared to hers but I do roll my eyes when I see people in their phones at social events. 

Your FI is doing a terrible job at showing you how much you mean to him.   I'm not saying that you shouldn't invite her to the wedding and I'm not saying you should.   I AM saying that until your FI grows a pair and starts to tell her that YOU ARE FIRST, that's a major issue in your relationship. 

STARMOON44

I think you should cancel the wedding. You should have broken up with him when he brought her home with you. Unless you enjoy a life full of drama move on. 

madamerwin

This sounds like a pretty terrible situation. I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your FI about why he is not sticking up for you with this ex-GF/best friend. 

If I were in your situation, I would be very uncomfortable with the relationship the three of you have. FI needs to put you first; if he does not do that now, before you are married, there's a good chance he won't do it once you're married. I don't blame you for not wanting her at your wedding.

I suggest pursuing relationship counseling; it sounds like there are some communication and boundary issues that need to be addressed, and a professional will be the best person to help you sort them out. Good luck!

LondonLisa

This isn't a friend problem, this is a fi problem. Your fi has made his choice. He chooses to have her in his life rather than your feelings.  

I cannot not believe you have stayed with him after he brought an ex gf to a "meet the parents" weekend. That would be hilarious if it weren't so insane. He is obnoxiously ineffectual and thoughtless at best, maliciously insensitive at worst.

How can you be with someone who let's his friends treat you like garbage?!

He has shown his choice over and over. He chooses her. I'm sorry, it's rubbish and you don't deserve to be treated like this. 

KnickerGold

How long have you two been together? 

And this woman is in her mid-30s? What's she doing taking a week off to hang out with an ex-bf, his family and his current girlfriend??

Sounds like a lot of drama. I wouldn't want someone who treated me like crap at my wedding, of course I also wouldn't want a groom who condoned the behavior.

ShesSoCold

There's a lot going on here.

I think, number one, you need to sit down with your fiancé. Have you told him exactly how you feel - no sugarcoating or beating around a bush? Does he see how harsh she is to you? Does he have any response to this?

I will say, though, that my best friend is my ex boyfriend. We dated for two years in high school and were friends after. When he didn't like that I was dating my now H, we stopped being friends. Even in the beginning, I put my relationship first. Friend got over it and we're all great friends now (he's actually gone to visit H's mom with us)

Bottom line is that you and your fiancé both need to be on the same page about this woman.

thefanciestbeckler

Ok, here's the thing. Your FI should be standing up for you. DH would never, and I mean NEVER, allow someone to treat me this way, regardless of their relationship. The feelings of the person you are marrying/married to should ALWAYS come first.

Honestly, for me, the moment he invited her to go with you guys to his family's I would have broken up with him. That is a deal-breaker in my opinion, and tells me that she has a lot more control in his life than he is willing to admit.

You need to seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to move forward with. If your FI is not willing to draw boundaries now, he never will. I'd recommend that you put the wedding plans on pause and attend couple's counseling together.

ETF words

horriblegb

I would not tolerate this woman in my life at all if I were you OP, and why isn't FI sticking up for you??

climbingsingle

You should have dumped him after that trip to visit his family. You're marrying someone who is OK with you being treated horribly by his "best friend". How are you OK with this?/ 

spockforprez

Relationships, especially marriages, come first. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but your FH needs a come-to-Jesus moment and drop the friendship.

ShesSoCold

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

nerdwife

ShesSoCold said:

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

Ordinarily, I would agree with you - sometimes I think people here tend to jump to "you should postpone the wedding" a little too quickly. But even if this was planned and OP agreed, the woman barged in on her in the shower?! That to me is example enough that this adult human is BSC and I would want her nowhere near me ever. Plus the other things she mentioned about her being horrible to her at various events. 

ShesSoCold

nerdwife said:

ShesSoCold said:

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

Ordinarily, I would agree with you - sometimes I think people here tend to jump to "you should postpone the wedding" a little too quickly. But even if this was planned and OP agreed, the woman barged in on her in the shower?! That to me is example enough that this adult human is BSC and I would want her nowhere near me ever. Plus the other things she mentioned about her being horrible to her at various events. 

Oh I definitely agree with that. I guess I was reading some of the PPs as "you shoulda broken up with him as soon as he invited her on the trip" instead of after everything that happened on the trip.

I'm very curious as to how the FI reacted to his friend barging in on his fiancé in the shower.

LondonLisa

ShesSoCold said:

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

If she knew the family she wouldn't be complaining about being left with them. Regardless, even if she had known them, this was a "gf meet the family weekend". Not an appropriate time to bring a friend, let alone an ex gf. I say this as someone who is still very close with my exes and consider them close friends. The reason this works is bc we all know my relationship with fi comes first and their relationships with their fi/gf/wives do too.

Moppet82

As soon as she started screaming at you, your FI should have shut that shit down. You, and always you, come first. If he chooses to be friends with someone who verbally assaults his SO, then he needs to reevaluate his priorities. Stay strong, stand up for yourself, and NEVER allow her to speak like that to you again.

SoldiersMom

I think you're fiancé has shown you quite a few times where you rank in relation to this friend. He really should do some re-evaluating of that before you even consider moving forward. Your feelings should matter to him much more than his best friend and if you have had a heart to heart with him and he still continues to disregard her treatment of you that's not just a red flag, but a flashing billboard for caution.

Their relationship seems a bit strange. Either she still has some feelings for him or she is oddly territorial. Whichever it is, it could be very unhealthy for all involved and if you don't deal with it before getting married it will drive a wedge between you and FH. It is never advisable to make him choose between the two of you. But you should tell him he needs to reprioritize his relationships with you both. You should always be #1. He should always be on your side and right now he is not. If I were in your shoes, I would give my fiancé one more chance to get this right. Tell him exactly how you feel about her and what your wishes are. Tell him you want him to be able to continue his friendship but her treatment of you needs to change and you need to see a real difference before the wedding or you will not be comfortable having her there. But I would also tell him that you need to feel like he has your back and won't allow her to treat you badly if she continues. If he can't do those two things for you, you should really think hard about this wedding.

climbingsingle

ShesSoCold said:

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

IMO she should have broken up with him after that disastrous first trip, not before it. But to let her be treated like that at his family's house by someone he called his best friend, to not even offer an up apology!?! That is all kinds of wrong. 

OliveOilsMom

I'm not one to automatically assume another person is jealous, but I do feel like this BFF is jealous of the relationship and is trying to drive a wedge in anyway she can.  Even if its not jealousy, OP's FI should have put a stop to BFF's behavior a long time ago or simply stopped being friends with her.

OP - even if you like to avoid conflict.  You have a big one going on in your relationship right now.  It needs to be settled prior to your marriage.

Also, standing up for yourself is not a four letter word.  When BSC BFF starts screaming at you, calmly say "I'm sorry, but I cannot speak to you when you are acting like this.  Good bye."  Then leave (with your FI) and if he won't leave, then you should be truly reflecting on if you want to marry someone who won't stand up for you.

Heffalump

ShesSoCold

climbingwife said:

ShesSoCold said:

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

IMO she should have broken up with him after that disastrous first trip, not before it. But to let her be treated like that at his family's house by someone he called his best friend, to not even offer an up apology!?! That is all kinds of wrong. 

Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I agree with you.

At first, I think I was biased because one of the first pieces of information was that friend and fiancé slept together, which I believe is irrelevant. I probably assumed that OP was upset because of that and based my original opinion on that.

I'd still like to know more, but I agree that these are huge red flags and that the issue is more with the fiancé than it is with the friend. At the very least, I would not be planning a wedding with a person who stood by while anyone - especially their friend - disrespected me.

MyNameIsNot

climbingwife said:

ShesSoCold said:

Without additional info, I disagree with the "you shoulda dumped him when she went to his family's house with you". We don't know if this girl was friends with the FI since preschool and the family knows and likes her and she visits with the FI regularly, we don't know if the FI talked to OP about it first (though by her wording, it doesn't sound like he did). I just feel like there's a lot we don't know and there's a lot of conclusion jumping.

IMO she should have broken up with him after that disastrous first trip, not before it. But to let her be treated like that at his family's house by someone he called his best friend, to not even offer an up apology!?! That is all kinds of wrong. 

This! Taking the friend along for meet the parents might be ill advised, but I don't think it's dump worthy in an of itself. Keeping the friend around after everything that happened on the trip should have been a deal breaker.

OP, please don't marry this guy. He's an asshole. 

mauiwowie9

I agree with PPs that the way your FI has acted regarding this friend has been a huge red flag. If I was in your shoes I would have a heart to heart with your fiancé about how this woman has treated you, how it has made you feel, how him not standing up has made you feel, and that given the circumstance you do not wish for her to attend the wedding. Once you have put it all out on the table (as PP said, no sugarcoating!) see what his reaction is. His response will be very telling as to your future married life.

wink0erin

Sorry, OP, but this is extremely strange. I have male friends I am close with, some I had dated in the past but remained friends with. BF is the same with female friends. None of his friends have ever been rude to me, and I imagine if one of them had, BF would have stood up for me. I would do the same if any of my friends got shitty with him, even in a joking way.

What you described has red flags all over it. There are lines that have been crossed and your FI clearly isn't sticking up for you. You two should be a team. You really need to have a serious discussion about this. 

Jen4948

Put your engagement on hold.  Before you marry this guy, you and he need to be on the same page that his "best friends," male or female, can't treat you like shit.  And if he refuses to get on that page, I'd really reconsider your relationship with him.

downtondiva

Why is your fiance friends with someone who treats you so poorly? Forget about the wedding - you need to figure that out first. 

thisismynickname2

Wait a second. In the original post, some of the incidents- but not all- have resulted in OP's fiance trying to stick up for her. Hence the meeting for beer part. 

The way I read it, he's just not doing a good enough job in sticking up for her. The friend is definitely BSC. So I'm not going to completely flog the FI here, but, I do think they should not invite this woman to their wedding. He needs to realize this woman is nuts and sever the friendship. Who cares about the social circle? This isn't junior high, you're not sharing cafeteria tables! 

themosthappy91

carmella2016 said:

But here's the thing. I DON'T WANT HER AT MY WEDDING. My fiance does. He insists that if we don't invite her, it will be severing the friendship, and this will be uncomfortable because we have a friend group in common. She never got a Save the Date so it wouldn't be breaking etiquette not to invite her.

I think he's right that it will probably sever the friendship but to me that's a positive! More than a positive, I would insist on it. It's clear she is toxic and she needs to be cut out.

I get you have friends in common- but you said in your post that even they have seen how batshit crazy she is, so won't they understand?

I have to be honest... I don't think I could ever get over being treated the way you've been treated by your FI and still love and respect him enough to marry him. Everyone has their own thresholds for these things and maybe you can see your way to forgiving him for how badly he's acted in the past, but at the very least don't go into the marriage with this issue unresolved. You need to be sure he understands how out of line his actions have been and is truly repentant and ready to put you first and cut out anyone who disrespects you so blatantly.

Good luck, and please keep us posted on how it goes! As you can see, the overwhelming consensus here is you are in the right, and these ladies will be very supportive if you have some tough decisions to work through about the future of your relationship.

whoabethers

Based on the level of crazy from the examples you're giving us, I would DEFINITELY NOT invite her to your wedding. To be honest, I'd be terrified she'd cause some kind of scene (probably not a full on meltdown during the ceremony or anything, but perhaps some drunken crying and being a beyotch later on in the evening.) I'm not sure what discussions you've already had with him about this girl, but I think you really need to make it clear how uncomfortable you are with her being in your life. If you have a heart to heart about it, and he STILL wants to invite her or wants to be friends with her, there are bigger issues here. But right now, I think it might just be a miscommunication (or lack of communication.)

banana468

thisismynickname said:

Wait a second. In the original post, some of the incidents- but not all- have resulted in OP's fiance trying to stick up for her. Hence the meeting for beer part. 

The way I read it, he's just not doing a good enough job in sticking up for her. The friend is definitely BSC. So I'm not going to completely flog the FI here, but, I do think they should not invite this woman to their wedding. He needs to realize this woman is nuts and sever the friendship. Who cares about the social circle? This isn't junior high, you're not sharing cafeteria tables! 

The problem is the dude seems like he is not getting it.

I've dealt with people who pull the "Can we please sit down and all get along?" and they don't understand that it isn't going to happen.   A manager at my former employer wanted everything to be smoothed over but she didn't want to take a side in legitimate issues that had clear answers.  

I'm not doubting that he loves her.   But I think this wishy washy lack of stance is not effective and makes him look very weak.   Sometimes love needs to be tough.  "If you keep treating my FI like shit then neither of us will be in your life," is the answer here.    It isn't, "Honey I know she's a raging psychopathic bitch to you but she's my friend so can we sit her near the subwoofer?"