Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

I'm TORN over this, please help.

13

Re: I'm TORN over this, please help.

  • Options
    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2016
    OP, why do you want to marry this man?  I am quite serious.  Can you list four reasons that explain why you want to marry him?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Options
    AddieCake said:
    This is a no-brainier to me. This woman has been horrible to you, your fiancé should have severed the friendship long ago and didn't, and now he wants her at the wedding and to continue being friends with her?

    No. Just.....no. She should not be invited, and you should be having a serious conversation with your fiancé about why this is even happening right now. 
    Exactly. OP, your comfort and your feelings should be your FI's number one priority at this point in your relationship, and that just doesn't seem to be the case. He needs to tell her their friendship is over and stop insisting upon inviting her to the wedding. Keeping the peace with her should not be as important as your not being hurt anymore. 
    image
  • Options
    edited February 2016
    I agree with PP. I can imagine it will be very painful, but I think if he insists she's invited, you need to insist there is no wedding. I just don't understand how this can be any other way. She is jealous. He isn't being there for you. This may be bold but I'm just going to come right out an say it: I think he will be susceptible to cheating if he remains friends with her because although she is BSC, women can be powerful and manipulative and this one obviously has your worst interest in mind. And also because it will show you that he does not put your relationship first if he keeps any sort of relationship with her.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    It's possible he has to wait until they are both available for the talk. NOW doesn't necessarily work for either of them schedule-wise.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Options
    I've been lurking this thread, because I don't know exactly what to say, but I do pretty much agree with the other posters.

    I'm not going to tell you that you need to postpone the wedding or break up with him, only you truly know your relationship. But your FI talking to BSC friend and ending the relationship needs to happen NOW. I don't get the "within a month". 

    FI needs to put you first. This reminds me of the "ultimatum" thread we had not too long ago. While I generally don't agree with ultimatums, I think this IS a situation where it needs to happen- but you also have to be willing to follow through. "FI, I can't be with you if you are going to continue to be friends with someone who treats me poorly". 

    I don't think you are wrong for not wanting this woman in your life, let alone your wedding. 

    So this is a long story told VERY short, but years ago when DH and I were dating as teenagers, DH had a female friend who started flirting with him. He realized he had an attraction her, and while at first he told her to back off and that he loved me, we eventually broke up for a bit. He went on a date or two with her, but realized that relationship was superficial and based on a flirtation. So we eventually got back together. A few months later, I noticed he was still talking to her occasionally online. I shut that down real fast and pretty much gave him an "it's me or her". He chose me. Deleted her as a contact that minute. Hasn't spoken to her since. She was part of a smaller but shared friend group. A few years later, another friend asked why we couldn't all hang out- NOPE. I simply do not want her involved in my life. Done. I would say the same thing now, 12 years later. 
  • Options
    MCmeowMCmeow member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited February 2016
    I think it's messed up of your fiance to not care about your feelings. It seems obvious to me that he cares much more about this complicated friendship than you, as harsh as it sounds. He probably thinks he can have it all, but nope it doesn't work that way, he needs to deal with the situation instead of avoiding it. A husband should respect you and your fiance just isn't doing that. There shouldn't be another woman in the way of your relationship.

    *Edit: sorry didn't see your second post, it's great he understands and you guys talked. But she would probably do the same again, so yes, definitely cut it off.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I think that if you do marry your FI, it should only be after he realizes that he has to totally cut off contact with this "friend."  That means all contact: social media, email, phone, getting together.  And he has to make clear to her that there will be no more friendship and no contact ever again.

    He can't get back together with her like what happened to you never happened.  That never should have happened in the first place, and the fact that he still doesn't seem to get that he has to actively take the step of cutting their relationship off.  I would even get that in writing if necessary.  I don't know if it could be part of a legally enforceable prenup where you are, but taking that step might be worth looking into.
  • Options
    JBee85JBee85 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited February 2016
    ((He is planning on sitting down with her within the month and explaining to her why this is happening and that he doesn't approve of the way she's treated me/would rather not be friends anymore. In the end, he said he reservation was about not wanting to be "one of those guys" who severs friendships because of his relationship. Essentially, a cliché.))

    I would have second thought about marrying him if my FI ever told this to me. What is there to explain and to drag this out to her? He doesn't want to step up to her now and be done with it? Yikes. It's so clear he still has unresolved feelings for her.

    It would be a mistake to marry him. I'd break the engagement if I were in your shoes. Calling off a wedding is much cheaper than a future divorce with unresolved conflict. I'm sorry.
  • Options
    I'm honestly curious (and wondering if I missed something)- why are several posters so concerned about the month-timeline? Like, I can see why this is something he'd want to do in person- both because it's arguably the more respectful way to handle things and because it's probably more likely to stick- and a month really isn't that far out to plan an in-person get-together. Heck, it sometimes takes that long for me to plan a get-together with friends I really WANT to see because we're all juggling work/romantic relationships/families... a month just so does not scream "he's trying to avoid it" to me.
  • Options
    This might be way out of line for me to suggest but I'll be honest. I think he's scared of this girl and I wonder why... Is she blackmailing him? Do you think their relationship really ended when they say it did?
    image
  • Options
    I'm honestly curious (and wondering if I missed something)- why are several posters so concerned about the month-timeline? Like, I can see why this is something he'd want to do in person- both because it's arguably the more respectful way to handle things and because it's probably more likely to stick- and a month really isn't that far out to plan an in-person get-together. Heck, it sometimes takes that long for me to plan a get-together with friends I really WANT to see because we're all juggling work/romantic relationships/families... a month just so does not scream "he's trying to avoid it" to me.
    Exactly. If he just severs ties via text or something. that's going to create bigger problems because she is likely to keep trying to contact him to find out why, etc. This is a long-time friendship best ended in person, and NOW may not work for either of them schedule-wise. Sometimes people on TK make red flags out of nothing. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Options
    SP29
    I've been lurking this thread, because I don't know exactly what to say, but I do pretty much agree with the other posters.

    I'm not going to tell you that you need to postpone the wedding or break up with him, only you truly know your relationship. But your FI talking to BSC friend and ending the relationship needs to happen NOW. I don't get the "within a month". 

    FI needs to put you first. This reminds me of the "ultimatum" thread we had not too long ago. While I generally don't agree with ultimatums, I think this IS a situation where it needs to happen- but you also have to be willing to follow through. "FI, I can't be with you if you are going to continue to be friends with someone who treats me poorly". 

    I don't think you are wrong for not wanting this woman in your life, let alone your wedding. 

    So this is a long story told VERY short, but years ago when DH and I were dating as teenagers, DH had a female friend who started flirting with him. He realized he had an attraction her, and while at first he told her to back off and that he loved me, we eventually broke up for a bit. He went on a date or two with her, but realized that relationship was superficial and based on a flirtation. So we eventually got back together. A few months later, I noticed he was still talking to her occasionally online. I shut that down real fast and pretty much gave him an "it's me or her". He chose me. Deleted her as a contact that minute. Hasn't spoken to her since. She was part of a smaller but shared friend group. A few years later, another friend asked why we couldn't all hang out- NOPE. I simply do not want her involved in my life. Done. I would say the same thing now, 12 years later. 
    This is too much for me. If the situation was flipped and my SO gave me an ultimatum about a friend I went on a couple dates with in high school that SO would be gone. Not because I chose the friend but because I don't allow my SO control over who I am friends with. Absolutely not, foot down. (realistically, I would talk to my SO and explain why that sort of behavior is controlling and unacceptable)

    OP situation is different though and I totally agree that BSC friend needs to chill the fuck out. It wouldn't surprise me at all if BSC tries to rekindle the friendship occasionally. 

  • Options
    This might be way out of line for me to suggest but I'll be honest. I think he's scared of this girl and I wonder why... Is she blackmailing him? Do you think their relationship really ended when they say it did?
    Yup. Way out of line. 
  • Options
    Jen4948 said:
    I think that if you do marry your FI, it should only be after he realizes that he has to totally cut off contact with this "friend."  That means all contact: social media, email, phone, getting together.  And he has to make clear to her that there will be no more friendship and no contact ever again.

    He can't get back together with her like what happened to you never happened.  That never should have happened in the first place, and the fact that he still doesn't seem to get that he has to actively take the step of cutting their relationship off.  I would even get that in writing if necessary.  I don't know if it could be part of a legally enforceable prenup where you are, but taking that step might be worth looking into.

    Are you freaking serious?   If you need to get something in writing about who your spouse will and won't talk to you don't have the grounds for a successful marriage.

    Not that Friends is based on any kind of reality but it's pretty much the conclusion that led to Ross and Emily's divorce.     If you can't trust your spouse you have major issues.  

    And the "she can tempt him into cheating" is so much bullshit I can't stand it.    

    FWIW, the issue with the month thing IMO is that it seems to want to extend the timeline.   A lack of timeline would actually be better IMO.   But if he does it then that's all that matters.  
  • Options
    AddieCake said:
    I'm honestly curious (and wondering if I missed something)- why are several posters so concerned about the month-timeline? Like, I can see why this is something he'd want to do in person- both because it's arguably the more respectful way to handle things and because it's probably more likely to stick- and a month really isn't that far out to plan an in-person get-together. Heck, it sometimes takes that long for me to plan a get-together with friends I really WANT to see because we're all juggling work/romantic relationships/families... a month just so does not scream "he's trying to avoid it" to me.
    Exactly. If he just severs ties via text or something. that's going to create bigger problems because she is likely to keep trying to contact him to find out why, etc. This is a long-time friendship best ended in person, and NOW may not work for either of them schedule-wise. Sometimes people on TK make red flags out of nothing. 
    I haven't seen anything in this post (please correct me if I'm wrong) that implies that they are long distance friends.  And, yes, I realize that even if two people live in the same area that it's not always as easy as it seems to get together.  If there are logistical reasons, then I totally withdraw my concern.

    This is just the impression I get .... he may be dragging his feet.  I had a friend who hurt me quite deeply (granted, it wasn't to this extent).  As soon as I was ready to have her out of my life, I point blank told her.  Yes, it was over a phone call (she said something to me during that call that was past the point of no return for me, and I point blank told her to never talk to me again about that topic.  I never called her again, and she never called me again).

    If I found out that someone had done things like this to my husband and it was not logistically feasible to see him/her in person in the near future, I would absolutely call him / her and let them know that their behavior was absolutely unacceptable and that our friendship was over.  
  • Options
    This might be way out of line for me to suggest but I'll be honest. I think he's scared of this girl and I wonder why... Is she blackmailing him? Do you think their relationship really ended when they say it did?
    Yup. Way out of line. 
    I apologise, it was a mad suggestion. I take it back. 
    image
  • Options
    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2016
    @holyguacamole79 What does long distance have to do with schedules not coordinating NOW for a meetup? I didn't say they were long distance, nor does that matter. My husband hasn't seen his best friend since her wedding over a year ago. We all live in the same city. 

    ETA: Honestly, I don't care, actually. Now that we've leapt to prenups and blackmail, I'm following Scribe's lead and backing away from this crazy train.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Options
    AddieCake said:
    @holyguacamole79 What does long distance have to do with schedules not coordinating NOW for a meetup? I didn't say they were long distance, nor does that matter. My husband hasn't seen his best friend since her wedding over a year ago. We all live in the same city. 

    ETA: Honestly, I don't care, actually. Now that we've leapt to prenups and blackmail, I'm following Scribe's lead and backing away from this crazy train.
    All I'm saying is that if it's a long-distance friendship, that would make a lot of sense.  And I don't get to see people that live in the same city as frequently as I'd like, either ... so that's also a very real possibility.  I said that in my post.
  • Options
    OP can you tell us why your FI is waiting a month to end this friendship? Personally when I have to do something hard I do it right away otherwise it becomes much easier to talk myself out of doing it.

    Also is there an actual date chosen or is it just sometime in the next month? If it's sometime in the next month, what is your plan if that time never happens? If there is a date chosen what is your plan if it gets canceled for some reason?

    I do think this is a big thing and it warrants more than a text or email however if the reason for it taking so long is to be in person I do think a phone call or skype/facetime would suffice. 

    Good luck OP, it's good that he sees his mistakes and admits them now but he needs to let his actions speak for him and the longer he puts this off the more it's looking like he's all talk and no action. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    AddieCake said:
    @holyguacamole79 What does long distance have to do with schedules not coordinating NOW for a meetup? I didn't say they were long distance, nor does that matter. My husband hasn't seen his best friend since her wedding over a year ago. We all live in the same city. 

    ETA: Honestly, I don't care, actually. Now that we've leapt to prenups and blackmail, I'm following Scribe's lead and backing away from this crazy train.
    I am genuinely sorry for my suggestion and OP if you're still following this thread then I apologise. I've been reading too much Jackie Collins. 
    image
  • Options
    OP can you tell us why your FI is waiting a month to end this friendship? Personally when I have to do something hard I do it right away otherwise it becomes much easier to talk myself out of doing it.

    Also is there an actual date chosen or is it just sometime in the next month? If it's sometime in the next month, what is your plan if that time never happens? If there is a date chosen what is your plan if it gets canceled for some reason?

    I do think this is a big thing and it warrants more than a text or email however if the reason for it taking so long is to be in person I do think a phone call or skype/facetime would suffice. 

    Good luck OP, it's good that he sees his mistakes and admits them now but he needs to let his actions speak for him and the longer he puts this off the more it's looking like he's all talk and no action. 
    When I read that the meeting was happening "within the month" I assumed it was "during February."  This is only two weeks.  Make plans today to meet sometime within the next two weeks, and that's not crazy, nor is it too far away.  If I called up a girlfriend today (who I'm NOT planning on breaking up with), it would probably be two weeks before we both had a free evening to get together.  I think everyone should take a step back.
  • Options
    Meh, with the way OP has described how her FI has handled interactions with this friend in the past, and how it took them this long and counseling sessions for FI to see that BSCpants is acting heinously and like a shitty friend, I can see why other ppl are questioning why he wants to wait a month to tell BSCpants he's done with the friendship.

    However, like PPS have said it's just as likely that it takes time to schedule face time with ppl as it is likely FI is being conflict avoidant again.  Personally, I think it's a combination of the two, but all that maters is that FI actually meets with BSCpants and has a Come to Jesus talk with her, and that the outcome of the conversation, whatever it is,  is acceptable to OP.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Options
    ThxSugar said:
    SP29
    I've been lurking this thread, because I don't know exactly what to say, but I do pretty much agree with the other posters.

    I'm not going to tell you that you need to postpone the wedding or break up with him, only you truly know your relationship. But your FI talking to BSC friend and ending the relationship needs to happen NOW. I don't get the "within a month". 

    FI needs to put you first. This reminds me of the "ultimatum" thread we had not too long ago. While I generally don't agree with ultimatums, I think this IS a situation where it needs to happen- but you also have to be willing to follow through. "FI, I can't be with you if you are going to continue to be friends with someone who treats me poorly". 

    I don't think you are wrong for not wanting this woman in your life, let alone your wedding. 

    So this is a long story told VERY short, but years ago when DH and I were dating as teenagers, DH had a female friend who started flirting with him. He realized he had an attraction her, and while at first he told her to back off and that he loved me, we eventually broke up for a bit. He went on a date or two with her, but realized that relationship was superficial and based on a flirtation. So we eventually got back together. A few months later, I noticed he was still talking to her occasionally online. I shut that down real fast and pretty much gave him an "it's me or her". He chose me. Deleted her as a contact that minute. Hasn't spoken to her since. She was part of a smaller but shared friend group. A few years later, another friend asked why we couldn't all hang out- NOPE. I simply do not want her involved in my life. Done. I would say the same thing now, 12 years later. 
    This is too much for me. If the situation was flipped and my SO gave me an ultimatum about a friend I went on a couple dates with in high school that SO would be gone. Not because I chose the friend but because I don't allow my SO control over who I am friends with. Absolutely not, foot down. (realistically, I would talk to my SO and explain why that sort of behavior is controlling and unacceptable)

    OP situation is different though and I totally agree that BSC friend needs to chill the fuck out. It wouldn't surprise me at all if BSC tries to rekindle the friendship occasionally. 

    Like I said, long story short. She was more than just a girl who DH went on a few dates with in high school. There is another girl whom DH dated in high school that we were and continue to be friends with- she's great. It's not just "you dated my bf! Well then I hate you!". I have never told DH who he can or can't be friends with. 

    Girl in question was a friend of DH's who was flirting with him while dating me.  While she and I were not friends, we knew each other well, talked regularly, hung out in similar friend groups. She continued to talk to me like nothing was different while telling my bf she wanted to be his mistress. Bf/DH aside, that is not a person I want in my life. I strongly feel that one of best things about being an adult is that you get to choose how and who you spend your time and energy on.

    They went on a few dates once we had broken up, and again she told him "I think you should get back together with your gf, because I'd rather be your mistress". I don't think that is a healthy friendship. DH did end things with her, realized it was a flirtation and there was no real relationship there, decided I was the one, etc etc. When we got back together, I asked about her (you've come back to me after ending it with her??), and he said he didn't want a person like her in his life (among other things). Thus, I was surprised when he still had her as a contact on MSN and I asked him why she was still a contact if he didn't want her in his life. He told me to delete her then (I was using his computer), I told him no, that was for him to do- and he did. I didn't word it well in my original post- I did not directly say, "It's her or me"- but that would be my intention. If he decided he still wanted to be friends with her, I would have said that- maybe that makes me the BSC one, but I don't think that was an appropriate friendship to have (a friend who tells you she wants to be your mistress). 

    A few years later (when we were in university), she tried to connect with him on FB. HE ignored the request. The only reason I know about it, is because he asked me whether he should message her to tell her not to contact him, or just ignore it. I told him to ignore it. 

    My point in bringing this up, was to share a bit of a personal example. I feel sometimes as the OP in the situation, it feels like your being piled on by people telling you, "You've got a big FI problem... post-pone your wedding". OP is involved in something very passionate and on one hand the OP is hurt by her FI, but at the same time still feels she should stand up for her FI and her relationship. At the end of it all, posters are only trying to be supportive of the OP and make sure she isn't getting herself into something more hurtful. But it can be nice to know when others have been there- particularly when it's worked out favourably. 

    My other point is that sometimes there are deal breakers where one needs to put their foot down. I think this is the case for OP. Like I said OP, I'm not going to tell you to end your relationship, only you know what is really going on between you two, but there IS a big issue going and FI needs to sort it out ASAP. I also don't think you are crazy for not wanting this woman at your wedding, nor involved in your lives. 


  • Options
    Can I take a second to acknowledge that not everyone is comfortable with confrontation? No matter what, on these boards, the advice is always "talk to the person." While that is always great advice, executing said advice is very difficult for some people.
    Frankly, if I was OP's FI, I would not answer phone calls, not answer texts, not answer Facebook messages, and avoid all contact with BSC friend sooner than I would talk to her to say we're no longer friends. I wouldn't send her an invitation.
    In fact, I DID have a BSC crazy friend, who thankfully moved away a couple years before my wedding. I bean-dipped her on Facebook when she asked about making travel plans to my wedding. I bean-dipped her when she tried to arrange her birthday party the night before my wedding, as we have mutual friends who were invited to my wedding (and attended!). I could not bring myself to say flat out she wasn't invited, even in a FB message.  When I didn't send her an invitation she got the picture and we haven't communicated since. 

    So, I'm very glad to hear OP's FI is actually going to sit her down- soon- to tell her what's what. That's more brave than I would be. What's telling her off going to accomplish? She's not going to change. People like that don't change. She would surely spin drama to the mutual friends no matter how the guy approaches it. 

    Just saying.
    ________________________________


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards