I'm TORN over this, please help.

STARMOON44

Lots of people aren't comfortable with being adults who have conversations and handle things maturely. That doesn't make suggesting they do so bad advice. 

PrettyGirlLost

STARMOON44 said:

Lots of people aren't comfortable with being adults who have conversations and handle things maturely. That doesn't make suggesting they do so bad advice. 

Agreed.

I get that many ppl are conflict avoidant, and in my experience on these boards over the years and in general life, that avoidance is typically at the heart of most of the conflict avoidants' drama with others.

Also, most of the conflict avoidant ppl I encounter on these boards and in life don't seem to understand the difference between dealing with an issue and "telling someone off," to use a phrase thisismynickname just used and I often seen used on this forum.

You don't always have to tell someone off in order to talk to them about a sensitive issue, an uncomfortable issue, set/enforce boundaries with them, etc.  Telling someone off is usually what you do with a person you have no intention of maintaining a relationship with.

Maybe in this case OP'S FI should tell BSCpants off, but not necessarily.

thisismynickname2

STARMOON44 said:

Lots of people aren't comfortable with being adults who have conversations and handle things maturely. That doesn't make suggesting they do so bad advice. 

I didn't say it was bad advice, and I take offense at the implication that I am somehow less of an adult because I would rather do a fade than tell someone I don't want to be friends with them anymore. 
I only think that OP's getting ripped apart over her choice in fiance is a bit much. He needs to choose her and stand by her, yes. And it appears he is trying to do so. 

STARMOON44

thisismynickname said:

STARMOON44 said:

Lots of people aren't comfortable with being adults who have conversations and handle things maturely. That doesn't make suggesting they do so bad advice. 

I didn't say it was bad advice, and I take offense at the implication that I am somehow less of an adult because I would rather do a fade than tell someone I don't want to be friends with them anymore. 
I only think that OP's getting ripped apart over her choice in fiance is a bit much. He needs to choose her and stand by her, yes. And it appears he is trying to do so. 

I didn't mean to imply that I meant to say it outright. You do the fade on a guy you've been on two dates with not a best friend you've had for years. That's immature and cruel. 

LondonLisa

Being conflict avoidant =/= an excuse to not handle your business.

I think it would have been fine to ghost this person after she went mental at the weekend away, but he didn't. He stayed friends and maintained the relationship purposefully so he didn't have conflict or because he wanted to. 

There were plenty of opportunities for him to slow fade, he didn't take them. So like a lot of problems that could have been solved with a quick conversation has spiralled out of control.  

I get that some people don't like "conflict", but it is beyond cowardly to let it get so bad that you would rather attend couples counselling with your fi than cut a toxic person out.

That isn't conflict avoidant, that is ineffectual. 

drunkenwitch

Jen4948 said:

I think that if you do marry your FI, it should only be after he realizes that he has to totally cut off contact with this "friend."  That means all contact: social media, email, phone, getting together.  And he has to make clear to her that there will be no more friendship and no contact ever again.

He can't get back together with her like what happened to you never happened.  That never should have happened in the first place, and the fact that he still doesn't seem to get that he has to actively take the step of cutting their relationship off.  I would even get that in writing if necessary.  I don't know if it could be part of a legally enforceable prenup where you are, but taking that step might be worth looking into.

whoabethers

@drunkenwitch Hahahaha that gif is the perfect response.

VicTim328

I'm mildly confused as to why there was no PFA filed against BSCpants... Barging into the shower while OP is in it? Physical altercations? In some states, charges could be pressed against BSCpants....

PrettyGirlLost

VicTim328 said:

I'm mildly confused as to why there was no PFA filed against BSCpants... Barging into the shower while OP is in it? Physical altercations? In some states, charges could be pressed against BSCpants....

At least turn the showerhead on her and drench her thirsty ass.