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Gay Weddings
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Parents "tentatively" coming?
in Gay Weddings
i sent my almost-estranged parents an invite because I felt obligated to. My mother won't communicate with me--my messages go unanswered and her response is always "I'll get back to you." They don't agree with my marriage and that's their issue, not mine. But I didn't want to deal with the "why aren't your parents here?" Questions and have it come back to me. If I didn't invite them--then they wouldn't be there bc of my choice. If I invite them and they don't show, then that's their choice. But my mother threw a wrench into the machine--sending the RSVP back with "tentatively attending." That wasn't even an option. She stapled a piece of paper where she printed in bold black font. SHE WENT TO THAT KIND OF EFFORT.
She said she's going because she loves me, but my partner and I (and lots of others) think she's going so she could save face in front of my supportive family members. Should I just be ok with them showing up the day of? Did anyone else have this issue with their parents? They aren't staying for the reception and that's fine. I doubt I'll even see them in the sea of people. Whatever. I've decided that after the wedding, if they don't make an effort to get to know my partner and see why I love her so much, then I'm done. Emotional emancipation is already happening, but I will never let them meet our child (which we hope to have next year)
She said she's going because she loves me, but my partner and I (and lots of others) think she's going so she could save face in front of my supportive family members. Should I just be ok with them showing up the day of? Did anyone else have this issue with their parents? They aren't staying for the reception and that's fine. I doubt I'll even see them in the sea of people. Whatever. I've decided that after the wedding, if they don't make an effort to get to know my partner and see why I love her so much, then I'm done. Emotional emancipation is already happening, but I will never let them meet our child (which we hope to have next year)
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Re: Parents "tentatively" coming?
I wouldn't worry about questions regarding your parents. I don't think anyone would honestly ask you on your wedding day where they are- people who know you well, know you have a rocky relationship and thus don't need to ask anyway, and those who don't won't notice- everyone will be focused on the festivities at hand. Many people have complicated families anyway, who can keep track of who is who
My best friend didn't invite her dad to her wedding. No wedding programs to mention parents (also, the grooms father is deceased). There was no WP, so no processional involving a seating of the mothers. Their families sat in the front rows, sat down at the same time the other guests did. She and her husband met at the start of the aisle and walked in together. Their mothers presented the rings and signed their license as witnesses, but beyond that there was no mention of parents or family. The B&G had a first dance, but there were no other spotlight dances.
Those of us who know the bride well enough know she doesn't have a good relationship with her dad, and those who don't, didn't care. Likewise with the groom.
Honestly, if they aren't staying for the reception you will likely have no interaction with them. The ceremony will be about you and your FI, so your focus will hopefully be elsewhere. I think PPs are right; a lot of people have weird relationships with parents. If I could get away with getting married without inviting anyone in my family except my brother without there being drama, I would have in a heartbeat.
We are here for you! Don't worry about them. Your mother is being super dramatic right now and it is unnecessary. By sending an invite, you have done your job at being the bigger person. You handled it well.
More hugs!!!!! You have much to look forward to with this lovely woman you've chosen to love forever. Focus on that.
Once my niece was born (my sister is the bio mom) my SIL's father came around a bit...he's still not thrilled, but he seems to honestly love his granddaughter.
Only you can make this decision. She was willing to roll with it and give her family up until the last moment to decide.
Hugs and best wishes!
For actual advice. Not a whole lot I can say. When I had my first wedding, my sister did not approve. In hindsight, she was right, and we are now divorced, however it didn't take away the hurt. She had been telling me for weeks leading up to the wedding that she would "consider it" and never showed. She did however send my other sister with a message. THat message was "I'll catch you at the next one."
I spent a chunk of time crying on my wedding night, because I just wanted my big sister to be there on my wedding day, and it didn't happen. We've repaired our relationship since, but I still have that hurt and I carry it around often. The only thing I can tell you is that you can't change people, and its not your fault if they chose not to be with you when you get married.
Yes...we are getting married on April fools day. For a while we were joking about "I'm a fool in love" or something as our theme...
now we went "old school," I work at a museum, she's a math teacher. So decor is all vintage textbooks with antique look Mercury glass vases, old silver teapots, and CHALKBOARDS everywhere. And folks have to do math on flash cards to find their seat.
Show her that she is welcome to be happy with you or continue her sad life. But it isn't your job to change anything about you or your plans.
Hugs!