Non-Traditional Bridesmaids

Knottie60446931

I would like your opinion on this letter I will be sending to my friends who are not "bridesmaids" per say but will be an important part of the wedding. Only my sisters will stand at the altar with me and I want to make sure that is clear, however I also want it known that I want my friends to participate in my Wedding, just not as bridesmaids without hurting their feelings.

SAMPLE:

My Dear Friend, Anne:

 

It is with great pleasure that I cordially invite you to be a Loyal Lady on my Wedding Day, and throughout the many celebrations of my marriage before and afterwards.

After careful consideration, I, and my Fiancé, John, have decided not to have a traditionally exclusive Bridal Party and instead would be ecstatic include all of our dearest friends in the festivities. I would personally like to ask you if you would be so kind as to honour my wedding day with your presence as one of my Loyal Ladies.

 

As a Loyal Lady, you are encouraged, but not required to:

 

Attend showers and bachelorette parties

Get ready with me on my wedding day

Participate in formal wedding pictures

Match your dress to our wedding colours

Offer assistance with the wedding

Sit in the front row with the family

 

As you have helped to shape me into who I am today, I cannot imagine making these memories without you. It would give me the greatest pleasure on my Wedding Day to know that I have your support, strength and love from beginning to beyond.

 

Without further adieu,

Will you help me say “I DO” ?

 

Yours Truly,

C

Thoughts?

MesmrEwe

First - DO NOT send it!!!  That is all!

thisismynickname2

Thoughts? I think you're not serious. If you are serious, the answer is DO NOT SEND. 

This is a reality check you're going to get at some point on these boards; may as well be now. No one cares as much about your wedding as you do. 
Choose your bridesmaids and move on with life. 

thisismynickname2

Knottie60446931 said:

I would like your opinion on this letter I will be sending to my friends who are not "bridesmaids" per say but will be an important part of the wedding. Only my sisters will stand at the altar with me and I want to make sure that is clear, however I also want it known that I want my friends to participate in my Wedding, just not as bridesmaids without hurting their feelings.

SAMPLE:

My Dear Friend, Anne:

 

It is with great pleasure that I cordially invite you to be a Loyal Lady on my Wedding Day, and throughout the many celebrations of my marriage before and afterwards.

After careful consideration, I, and my Fiancé, John, have decided not to have a traditionally exclusive Bridal Party and instead would be ecstatic include all of our dearest friends in the festivities. I would personally like to ask you if you would be so kind as to honour my wedding day with your presence as one of my Loyal Ladies.

 

As a Loyal Lady, you are encouraged, but not required to:

 

Attend showers and bachelorette parties

Get ready with me on my wedding day

Participate in formal wedding pictures

Match your dress to our wedding colours

Offer assistance with the wedding

Sit in the front row with the family

 

As you have helped to shape me into who I am today, I cannot imagine making these memories without you. It would give me the greatest pleasure on my Wedding Day to know that I have your support, strength and love from beginning to beyond.

 

Without further adieu,

Will you help me say “I DO” ?

 

Yours Truly,

C

Thoughts?

JIC

AddieCake

Sweet Fancy Moses. No. Just....no.

Knottie60446931

I can see that you ladies are, as colloquially put, "internet trolls" and I will not accept negative feedback unless it is delivered in a constructive manner with appropriate suggestions. 

AddieCake

Knottie60446931 said:

To be perfectly clear, I will not have bridesmaids. 

This changes nothing.

thisismynickname2

Knottie60446931 said:

I can see that you ladies are, as colloquially put, "internet trolls" and I will not accept negative feedback unless it is delivered in a constructive manner with appropriate suggestions. 

Then what are your sisters doing standing at the altar? 

Knottie60446931

Maids of Honour

AddieCake

You won't accept negative feedback? Really? What will you do when you get it, then? Is there punishment? 

geebee908

You've made your choice about your wedding party, and no one really wants to be part of the second tier no matter how nicely you explain your reasoning for it. I'm sure they'll be honored to be invited to your wedding, and if you want to seat them in the front row you can do that without announcing it in any way.

Do not send!

missfrodo

I would be horrendously offended if I received this letter from you, and probably drop our friendship after your wedding (if not before).  It really looks like you're asking for free labor.  PLUS you want them to coordinate dresses with the bridal party, but they aren't allowed to stand up with the bridal party?  Why not just make them BMs?  The only thing your BMs need to do is show up the day of in the agreed upon attire (after privately asking each person her budget), stand next to you at the ceremony, and pose for pictures.  It's nice to say you don't "require" all those things on your list, but honestly it's going to read like a list of expectations and demands, and you'll look very greedy just "suggesting" your friends take on all this stuff for you.  
If you want a way to honor people without making them bridesmaids, you can ask them to do a reading.  Or write each person a personalized letter explaining how much they mean to you, but don't send it as a consolation prize for not being in your wedding!  You could also give these people corsages/flowers if you wanted to show them how much they mean to you.  

PS: I'm trying to be really nice in my reply to you, on the offchance that you are a real human and not a troll.  Be aware that your friends will not complain about this to your face if you give it to them, but be CONFIDENT that they will bitch about it behind your back; a letter like this would likely color my opinion of someone for the rest of my life, and you'd be colored greedy, conceited, and high-maintenance, at minimum.  If you don't want to come off this way to the people you love, don't send the letter!

AddieCake

Knottie60446931 said:

Maids of Honour

Maids of Honor and bridesmaids are pretty much the same thing.

Knottie60446931

Thank you for your feedback, would you suggest writing each friend a personalized letter explaining what I am doing and why? It's not my prerogative to have my friends second tier. I want them to feel like they can be included in the wedding with out going out of their way to make time for me and spend money. I know that some of my friends would want to participate and would like to dress in similar colours so that they do not stand out in pictures. I am trying to word this as politely as possible so that they do not feel obligated to participate, but understand that they are important people in my life that I would like to share my wedding and wedding activities with. 

Knottie60446931

.

AddieCake

Yes, they are essentially the same thing, no matter what name you slap on them.

You don't need to say anything to your friends to explain what you are doing. Have your sisters as your WP and that's it. Tell your friends they are welcome to get ready with you. Invite them to showers and parties like you would anyone else you want to invite to such parties. No need to make a production of it.

AddieCake

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you for your feedback, would you suggest writing each friend a personalized letter explaining what I am doing and why? It's not my prerogative to have my friends second tier. I want them to feel like they can be included in the wedding with out going out of their way to make time for me and spend money. I know that some of my friends would want to participate and would like to dress in similar colours so that they do not stand out in pictures. I am trying to word this as politely as possible so that they do not feel obligated to participate, but understand that they are important people in my life that I would like to share my wedding and wedding activities with. 

downtondiva

If you want to include your friends in wedding activities, just invite them to be involved. Make sure they're on the guest list for any showers or parties and invite them to join you with dress shopping or whatever. Don't call them Loyal Ladies or send them some letter. You're overthinking this. 

Knottie56935983

I don't think sending a letter is necessary. If one of my closer friends opted to only have her sisters stand up in her wedding, I would understand and an explanation wouldn't be needed. Your friends would probably assume that they are still included for the shower and the bachelorette party and all that fun stuff. I feel that you have great intentions, but I have a feeling that sending this letter my cause more of a stir than not sending it. Just include them accordingly and I think you'll be just fine  

ernursej

OP, I get that you want to include your friends in your wedding. Unfortunately, what you are proposing is coming off as tacky and rude. Being a bridesmaid/maid of honour/'Loyal Lady' can actually be a lot of time, effort and money. I would be more honoured to know that I could sit back and enjoy the festivities. I think anyone would recognize that not everyone can be in your wedding party and limiting it to family only makes perfect sense. I would encourage you not to send any letter and instead, just make sure that they get invited to all the fun stuff. If one of your friends asks about your colours and would like to match, great, but I would discourage against asking them to coordinate. The best pictures from weddings are the ones where everyone looks happy. Happy people choose the clothing that makes them feel comfortable. Also, those that stand up with us are never required to help with anything. Wedding party members just have to show up, wear the pre-determined attire and smile for a FEW pictures. That is all. Many brides are lucky that wedding party members offer help or plan parties for them ... but it should never be expected.

I really hope you will stay around and lurk. There is lots of great information to be found on these boards. Sometimes, feedback can be harsh. It is always great feedback that many of us would not get if we posed the same question to our family and friends. 

STARMOON44

I would be so hurt to receive this letter. Either I am being honored by being a bridesmaid or I am being honored by being a guest.i don't think you should send any variation on this letter. 

1.  The way you encourage me to attend your shower and bachelorette us to send me an invitation! 

2.  Getting ready day of. I've had a few friends invite me to do this when I haven't been a bridesmaid. It should be a personal conversation close to the wedding "oh, if you'll be around I'd love for you to come by and get ready with me if you want or just say hi that morning."

3.  Participate in formal wedding pictures. So, this is a boring thing that sucks. I'd do it, but just email me and say "I want to make sure I get a pic with you so please stick around after the ceremony for a few minutes."  Then do your photos in order from most peripheral people to closest so I can leave!

4. Match your dress to our wedding colors. Good god why? At this point I'm just a bridesmaid without a place of honor. No. 

5.  Offer assistance. 
 I do not want to be invited to help with the wedding- that is inviting me to do work! If I want to help, I will offer. I do not need to be told none of this is required- obviously it isn't.

6. Sit in the front row. Either have your usher seat me there, or, again, just suggest it in a personal call. 


Nothing wrong with inviting people to do some of this stuff, everything wrong with how you're doing it. 

CMGragain

I would be insulted to receive this. What?  I'm not good enough to be a bridesmaid and stand up with you?  You expect me to help with your wedding? Forget about it.  I'm not attending your ridiculous wedding.
A bridesmaid is a close friend of the bride who stands up with her at the altar as she says her vows.  What is your problem with this?

holyguacamole79

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you for your feedback, would you suggest writing each friend a personalized letter explaining what I am doing and why? It's not my prerogative to have my friends second tier. I want them to feel like they can be included in the wedding with out going out of their way to make time for me and spend money. I know that some of my friends would want to participate and would like to dress in similar colours so that they do not stand out in pictures. I am trying to word this as politely as possible so that they do not feel obligated to participate, but understand that they are important people in my life that I would like to share my wedding and wedding activities with. 

I wouldn't write a letter because you're starting off by telling them what they aren't. I couldn't get past the first sentence, tbh.  

And you can let them know before hand that you'd like for them to join you for a formal photo as well as to have them sit up front.   If they ask you about coordinating colors, you can say "my bridesmaids are wearing x.  Please don't feel like you need to match;  what matters is that you're there. 

I know your heart is in the right place;  I think the delivery needs work. 

charlotte989875

I couldn't get passed the first sentence. I would be super offended to receive a letter like this.

OP, I know the responses seem harsh and you want to include your friends, but please don't do this. It's pretty rude to tell people they weren't chosen for something. Do as PPs said and just invite them to things. I promise they will be happier if you do that then this letter. 

Another option would be to get them corsages to honor them. 

tigerlily6

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you for your feedback, would you suggest writing each friend a personalized letter explaining what I am doing and why? It's not my prerogative to have my friends second tier. I want them to feel like they can be included in the wedding with out going out of their way to make time for me and spend money. I know that some of my friends would want to participate and would like to dress in similar colours so that they do not stand out in pictures. I am trying to word this as politely as possible so that they do not feel obligated to participate, but understand that they are important people in my life that I would like to share my wedding and wedding activities with. 

I wouldn't write a letter because you're starting off by telling them what they aren't. I couldn't get past the first sentence, tbh.  

And you can let them know before hand that you'd like for them to join you for a formal photo as well as to have them sit up front.   If they ask you about coordinating colors, you can say "my bridesmaids are wearing x.  Please don't feel like you need to match;  what matters is that you're there. 

I know your heart is in the right place;  I think the delivery needs work. 

^ This. I have some very dear friends who are not in my bridal party. They will of course be welcome to be in photos, hang out with me before the wedding, etc. I will be so, so happy to have them there, and have let them know this when I call and talk to them. Ditto to what @holyguacamole79 said about colors, too. If, during conversation, it comes up, let them know. But otherwise, leave it be -- if you specifically tell them the colors "in case you want to coordinate", that might come off the wrong way like you expect them to, even if you don't. If they care, they'll ask. Otherwise let it be. 

geebee908

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you for your feedback, would you suggest writing each friend a personalized letter explaining what I am doing and why? It's not my prerogative to have my friends second tier. I want them to feel like they can be included in the wedding with out going out of their way to make time for me and spend money. I know that some of my friends would want to participate and would like to dress in similar colours so that they do not stand out in pictures. I am trying to word this as politely as possible so that they do not feel obligated to participate, but understand that they are important people in my life that I would like to share my wedding and wedding activities with. 

I would not suggest the letter explaining what you are doing and why. It just makes you look like you feel guilty for not having them up there with you. Your choice to have just your sisters is a fine one; own it and your friends will understand without the explanation.

The problem with the letter you have written is that, though you may not intend it, it comes off as a list of things you'd like them to do for you. They're going to "take the hint" and feel obligated to do those things. If they want to offer a shower or bachelorette, they'll come up with those ideas on their own and you'll know they genuinely want to do that for you. Invite them to the activities you'd like to have them involved in. As was said before, no need to make a production out of it.

MesmrEwe

Since you want a long explanation OP, it's because that letter is flat out rude and tacky no matter how you phrase it.  "I want you to be LIKE a bridesmaid, and spend a ton of your own hard earned money, take time away from work to plan/attend events, but really, I'm just not feeling having you as an actual bridesmaid..." regardless of how you phrase it, regardless of if you're only having sisters as MOH's, that's void the second you send that.  You're asking them to be Free labor for your wedding, and that's also not o.k. even if you were asking BM's to do those things.  "It's not you, it's us, really"  through any means of communication NEVER go over well (those of us who've been here forever can cite many examples of the aftermath of such things - think of it as a friendship ending move even if you don't intend it that way)... 

How you honor your friends - Surprise them with a bout/corsage/nosegay the day-of...  Give them a spot in reserved seating for VIP's..  Have them as actual bridesmaids/groomsmen... 

Knottie60446931

Thank you all for your feedback, I have decided to let each know individually of how much I would like their presence to be heard at every event. As well, I feel it may be best to simply include a "dress code" for all guests in the invitation itself. I believe that would make the whole ordeal a lot more smooth. I will create some sort of facebook group so the ladies can begin to meet each other and decide if they in fact want to coordinate with themselves, or my sisters. They will be in many of my photos as if they were brides maids, so if they want to act as such, they may. I will be happy just knowing all the people I love are under one roof. 

Viczaesar

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you all for your feedback, I have decided to let each know individually of how much I would like their presence to be heard at every event. As well, I feel it may be best to simply include a "dress code" for all guests in the invitation itself. I believe that would make the whole ordeal a lot more smooth. I will create some sort of facebook group so the ladies can begin to meet each other and decide if they in fact want to coordinate with themselves, or my sisters. They will be in many of my photos as if they were brides maids, so if they want to act as such, they may. I will be happy just knowing all the people I love are under one roof. 

No, that is absolutely not okay.  You don't get to tell your guests how to dress. 

STARMOON44

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you all for your feedback, I have decided to let each know individually of how much I would like their presence to be heard at every event. As well, I feel it may be best to simply include a "dress code" for all guests in the invitation itself. I believe that would make the whole ordeal a lot more smooth. I will create some sort of facebook group so the ladies can begin to meet each other and decide if they in fact want to coordinate with themselves, or my sisters. They will be in many of my photos as if they were brides maids, so if they want to act as such, they may. I will be happy just knowing all the people I love are under one roof. 

What ordeal? There is no ordeal involved in adults dressing themselves in clothes of their choosing. 

Please don't pressure them to attend all of your events. 

glasgowtolondon

OP, it's just a wedding. Yes, it's a very special day for you and your partner. Yes, friends and family will be happy for you and excited to support you as you make this commitment. But it's not the most important thing that will happen in the history of the world. Your friends are grown ups that will understand they are not in the wp, they don't need reminded that they haven't been selected. Why would you ever have to remind them they will be welcome to your bachelorette? They don't need a dress code or a facebook group either, let things happen organically. Stop trying to micromanage your friends. Basically just calm your tits.