Non-Traditional Bridesmaids

MobKaz

And the Oscar goes to...................

This cannot be real life!

MyNameIsNot

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you all for your feedback, I have decided to let each know individually of how much I would like their presence to be heard at every event. As well, I feel it may be best to simply include a "dress code" for all guests in the invitation itself. I believe that would make the whole ordeal a lot more smooth. I will create some sort of facebook group so the ladies can begin to meet each other and decide if they in fact want to coordinate with themselves, or my sisters. They will be in many of my photos as if they were brides maids, so if they want to act as such, they may. I will be happy just knowing all the people I love are under one roof. 

I can't decide if you're making this up or if you are honestly just totally clueless.

Just stop. You do not tell people why they aren't BMs and you don't tell people how to dress. You certainly don't go out and harass them to attend every event or make a FB group about this. Look, your wedding is a huge deal in your and your FI's lives. But it isn't for everyone else, and that's how it's supposed to be. Your friends are going to be happy for you, but that's about the extent of what you should expect. 

Story time. My sister is a total social butterfly. By the time she got married, she'd been a BM 12 times. And yes, weddings aren't tit for tat, but she would have liked to ask at least 10 of those ladies to stand up with her. It was just too much for her, so she decided to have only me (sister) and be done with it. She did not tell anyone that they wouldn't be a BM or make up a runner-up title for them. A few friends mentioned wedding party, and she simply replied "I've decided to keep it simple with just my sister. I'd be honored if you'd be there as a guest." No one was hurt and everyone lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story? Don't do this or any variation of it. Ask your sisters and stop. Make sure the friends are on the guest list for any shower or b-party, get a photo with them at the wedding, and get married. 

banana468

Knottie60446931 said:

I would like your opinion on this letter I will be sending to my friends who are not "bridesmaids" per say but will be an important part of the wedding. Only my sisters will stand at the altar with me and I want to make sure that is clear, however I also want it known that I want my friends to participate in my Wedding, just not as bridesmaids without hurting their feelings.

SAMPLE:

My Dear Friend, Anne:

 

It is with great pleasure that I cordially invite you to be a Loyal Lady on my Wedding Day, and throughout the many celebrations of my marriage before and afterwards.

After careful consideration, I, and my Fiancé, John, have decided not to have a traditionally exclusive Bridal Party and instead would be ecstatic include all of our dearest friends in the festivities. I would personally like to ask you if you would be so kind as to honour my wedding day with your presence as one of my Loyal Ladies.

 

As a Loyal Lady, you are encouraged, but not required to:

 

Attend showers and bachelorette parties

Get ready with me on my wedding day

Participate in formal wedding pictures

Match your dress to our wedding colours

Offer assistance with the wedding

Sit in the front row with the family

 

As you have helped to shape me into who I am today, I cannot imagine making these memories without you. It would give me the greatest pleasure on my Wedding Day to know that I have your support, strength and love from beginning to beyond.

 

Without further adieu,

Will you help me say “I DO” ?

 

Yours Truly,

C

Thoughts?

No.   I'm going to echo the others that if you don't ask these people to be in your wedding then don't come up with a consolation prize.   It stings of consolation prize and smacks of "look at all this stuff you could do for me but I don't need to do for you!"

I'll bring it home for you.   A good friend of mine is getting married.   She was my BM 8 years ago.   She was a BM or MOH in a ton of weddings and I'm not in hers.  That's fine.   

If I saw this, I'd be hurt.   I get it.   Not everyone can be a BM.   But if you don't want me to be in your wedding then I get to be a guest on MY terms not yours.   I'm going to get a dress that *I* want to buy (or I'm going to wear my own thing).   I'm not interested in matching your colors.   I'm interested in good value that I can wear again since I'm a guest.   I may offer to help because I love you but you putting it out there that I can help makes it seem like I should be honored to be asked to help.   Newsflash: it's not an honor to help you throw your wedding.

I'm married for years now.   I want to sit with my husband and feel the love for him that you do with your FI.   I don't want to sit with your family.   I want to sit with MINE.    I'd hope that I'd attend your shower and bachelorette party so putting those out there just make it seem like you're looking for more.   And I don't want to participate in your formal photos.   I want to take a few pictures with you but during your cocktail hour, I want to (GASP!) drink the cocktails!

As a good friend, I'll love you and support you but don't put it in writing.   Our friendship isn't a contract and I don't like it to be in writing that I'm second fiddle. 

And FFS don't write down any kind of dress code.   I know how to dress up.  

sparklepants41

missfrodo said:

I would be horrendously offended if I received this letter from you, and probably drop our friendship after your wedding (if not before).  It really looks like you're asking for free labor.  PLUS you want them to coordinate dresses with the bridal party, but they aren't allowed to stand up with the bridal party?  Why not just make them BMs?  The only thing your BMs need to do is show up the day of in the agreed upon attire (after privately asking each person her budget), stand next to you at the ceremony, and pose for pictures.  It's nice to say you don't "require" all those things on your list, but honestly it's going to read like a list of expectations and demands, and you'll look very greedy just "suggesting" your friends take on all this stuff for you.  
If you want a way to honor people without making them bridesmaids, you can ask them to do a reading.  Or write each person a personalized letter explaining how much they mean to you, but don't send it as a consolation prize for not being in your wedding!  You could also give these people corsages/flowers if you wanted to show them how much they mean to you.  

PS: I'm trying to be really nice in my reply to you, on the offchance that you are a real human and not a troll.  Be aware that your friends will not complain about this to your face if you give it to them, but be CONFIDENT that they will bitch about it behind your back; a letter like this would likely color my opinion of someone for the rest of my life, and you'd be colored greedy, conceited, and high-maintenance, at minimum.  If you don't want to come off this way to the people you love, don't send the letter!

So much this.

OP, you say it's not your prerogative to put your friends in a second tier, but if you send this letter, it will communicate to them that they are second tier. You expect them to do everything bridesmaids would do (wear the wedding colors, pose for pictures, etc.), plus shower you with parties and gifts, yet at the same time they are not as important as your "real bridesmaids" who are the only ones special enough to stand up with you at the altar.

Please do not do this to your friends. 

floridabride44

If you send this letter, your friends will be the ones running to wedding message boards posting:

Help! I just received this weird letter from my friend who wants me to be a "Loyal Lady" for her wedding. Basically I'm not good enough to be a bridesmaid but she still wants me to help plan pre-wedding parties, wear a certain color, sit separately from my boyfriend/fiance/husband, and "help" with the wedding.  I'm really insulted.  How do I respond?  

Don't do this to your friends. Nobody wants a crappy consolation prize.

flantastic

OP, your friends are smart enough to know that not everyone can be in a wedding party, and that they already have the option to offer a shower or bachelorette (and that they have the option to come to one they haven't planned if they receive an invitation).

This letter is unnecessary and insulting, if you genuinely mean to "let them know" that they can still do these things. They know. So it just comes off as a super passive "reminder" that "hey, I know I didn't ask you to stand up with me, but my sisters will need help if I'm to have the sort of parties I'm envisioning, so you better offer to help."

And no one wants to just sit up front apart from their significant others. No one wants to have to buy a dress to match your wedding colors. No one wants to be in posed wedding pictures instead of enjoying the cocktail hour. That's not an honor - that's for you, and you're not giving them anything in return except an exceedingly stupid title.

lembaslover

OP please just treat these ladies like friends! I would be so hurt if I got this letter from a friend or if I got put into a fb group to coordinate what I'm going to wear to a wedding. I wouldn't be hurt if I was just asked to be a guest.

1. If anyone asks about being in the WP (they shouldn't b/c that is rude) just say that you are keeping it to your sisters but hope to see them as a guest.

2. If you want them at your showers or getting ready just invite them. Send a shower invite and send a text saying "hey I know you're going to be in town we're getting ready at X if you'd like to get ready with us"

3. If I'm your friend I know I can offer to help even though I'm not in the WP and probably will offer b/c I like helping.

4. Don't you like pictures of you and your friends hanging out at a bar or at each others places or wherever? Do you usually coordinate what you are wearing for those events? My guess is no, so why would you coordinate it for a wedding?

5. Just tell the photographer you want to get pics with your friends too and ask them to stick around a couple mins for pictures.

6. I'm sorry this isn't really advice but reading "Loyal Lady" kind of made me puke... It's too cutesy and honestly sound demeaning to me.

thisismynickname2

I don't know if it's because my husband has been binge-watching Miami Vice or what, but all the conversations about coordinating colors and dress codes just reminds me about how nearly everything on MV is pastel or neutral. The director wouldn't allow anyone to ever wear red clothes. 

Why do wedding photos have to look like Miami Vice? Who the fuck cares if clothes coordinate?

MairePoppy

Knottie60446931 said:

I can see that you ladies are, as colloquially put, "internet trolls" and I will not accept negative feedback unless it is delivered in a constructive manner with appropriate suggestions. 

How ironic! When I read your op, I thought YOU were an internet troll. We both could be wrong.

I wonder if you don't have much experience with weddings. Are you are the first to get married in your group of friends? Here are a few etiquette tips to get you started:

1. Choose your wedding party - in this case your sisters. Don't announce or write letters to anyone else to explain why they aren't included. 

2. You may choose a dress for your BMs/MOH with their input. You may not tell/suggest your friends, moms, guests coordinate. In your case your friends are guests and may wear whatever they like. 

3. You may include a dress code on the invitations only if it's a black tie event or if your venue has a dress code. 

4. You may honor your friends by seating them together, assuming that's something they'd enjoy. Their dates must be seated with them. Corsages are nice for the VIPs, if you can afford them. Otherwise, take care to treat all your guests equally. Pointing out throughout your wedding day that these friends are 'special' may make your other guests feel second rate.

And here is the appropriate, constructive suggestion you requested:

It would be lovely to schedule a spa (or whatever your group enjoys) date for you and your friends so you have your special moments together. If you're not treating, tell them "I'm going to XYZ salon at 7pm on Xday for pampering. If you'd like to join me, mani/pedis are X amount."
 

drunkenwitch

Oh Green Goddess on a Cracker, don't do this if you want to keep any of your friends.  Your letter is basically saying "so, I've decided your not good enough to be in my wedding but I still expect you to show up at all the parties with gifts, and be on hand to be personal servants for anyone who needs anything".

I would be beyond offended if I received that letter.

Jen4948

Knottie60446931 said:

I would like your opinion on this letter I will be sending to my friends who are not "bridesmaids" per say but will be an important part of the wedding. Only my sisters will stand at the altar with me and I want to make sure that is clear, however I also want it known that I want my friends to participate in my Wedding, just not as bridesmaids without hurting their feelings.

SAMPLE:

My Dear Friend, Anne:

 

It is with great pleasure that I cordially invite you to be a Loyal Lady on my Wedding Day, and throughout the many celebrations of my marriage before and afterwards.

After careful consideration, I, and my Fiancé, John, have decided not to have a traditionally exclusive Bridal Party and instead would be ecstatic include all of our dearest friends in the festivities. I would personally like to ask you if you would be so kind as to honour my wedding day with your presence as one of my Loyal Ladies.

 

As a Loyal Lady, you are encouraged, but not required to:

 

Attend showers and bachelorette parties

Get ready with me on my wedding day

Participate in formal wedding pictures

Match your dress to our wedding colours

Offer assistance with the wedding

Sit in the front row with the family

 

As you have helped to shape me into who I am today, I cannot imagine making these memories without you. It would give me the greatest pleasure on my Wedding Day to know that I have your support, strength and love from beginning to beyond.

 

Without further adieu,

Will you help me say “I DO” ?

 

Yours Truly,

C

Thoughts?

Please don't send this.  

It makes you come off as very entitled.

The only "duties" a bridesmaid has are to acquire the designated outfit (which doesn't have to match every other bridesmaid's or your wedding colors), show up at the wedding in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, process and recess down the aisle, and pose for some photos.

You are not entitled to expect them to "attend showers and bachelorette parties" because you are not entitled to those parties.  Only if someone offers to host them for you can you have them.  Nor is it their "duty" to get ready with you on your wedding day or offer "assistance" (whatever that's supposed to be) with the wedding.  If "assistance" means setup or cleanup work, that's something you need to hire people to do - not ask your nearest and dearest relatives and friends to do for free to qualify as a "Loyal Lady" (whatever that's supposed to be).

Also, you mean "ado" rather than "adieu." "Adieu" is what someone receiving this would tell you upon being asked to be a bridesmaid.

thefanciestbeckler

MobKaz said:

And the Oscar goes to...................

This cannot be real life!

This was a great movie BTW.


Anyways- don't send this letter. It really isn't necessary and you will actually probably hurt people's feelings by making this grand gesture to not hurt their feelings.

glasgowtolondon

Also, you mean "ado" rather than "adieu." "Adieu" is what someone receiving this would tell you upon being asked to be a bridesmaid.


Well, I laughed.

Knottie60446931

It appears you have missed recent events.

Knottie60446931

Removed for TOS violation

MesmrEwe

Knottie60446931 said:

Thank you all for your feedback, I have decided to let each know individually of how much I would like their presence to be heard at every event. As well, I feel it may be best to simply include a "dress code" for all guests in the invitation itself. I believe that would make the whole ordeal a lot more smooth. I will create some sort of facebook group so the ladies can begin to meet each other and decide if they in fact want to coordinate with themselves, or my sisters. They will be in many of my photos as if they were brides maids, so if they want to act as such, they may. I will be happy just knowing all the people I love are under one roof. 

What could POSSIBLY go wrong - and speaking to them about this "your not a BM" type stuff personally is just as insulting BTW... 

No - you're not allowed to tell your guests how to dress even if you're having a pink with purple polka-dots theme and want your guests to match.  They should get the level of formalness through your invitation and if you want to drop color hints it's through the use of color in your invitations/envelope choices.  Why would a guest choose to behave/act like a BM if they aren't one - it makes them look bad to do so...

SP29

Please, don't do this. No letters. No explanations.

You have chosen your WP. That is wholly your decision to make- own it. No one is entitled to a spot in your WP. No one is going to look down on you or judge you for choosing your sisters.

You don't need a reason to have someone invited to your shower or bachelorette party- this doesn't need to be "explained" in your letter. As said before, you do this by sending them an invitation to the event (well the host does).

You can always invite ANYONE to get ready with you. This also doesn't require a letter or formal invitation- just ask them!

You could invite them to get their nails done a few days before, maybe do lunch/dinner as well.

You do not tell adults how to dress or require anyone not in the WP to match your colours. Your invitation will show the level of formality of your wedding and you can design your invites with your wedding colours included- people will know.

You can give these friends a corsage if you really want, but I agree you shouldn't be separating them from their SOs during the ceremony, and it potentially makes your other guests look second tier. "Why do these guests get corsages and a seat in the front row but I don't?"

You never ask anyone to help you plan your wedding. If they offer you may accept, but THEY must offer.

Please- no titles! These are your friends and your guests, they don't need another title.

Story time- My best friend who was my MOH didn't have a WP. A few of us still got together and planned both a shower and bachelorette party for her. She did not ask us to, we offered (well the shower we planned as a surprise with the help of her mom). We also got together two days before the wedding to get our nails done. We all paid our own way (one of my friends paid for the bride), but it was fun to hang out and chat. We took group and individual photos together at the reception. Why did we do all this? Because we are her friends and wanted to. We didn't need a letter or an explanation from her on any account. We all know that anyone can offer to host a party and that we're all friends. We didn't need to sit up in the front row to see her get married any different than the rows we sat in like the other guests.

holyguacamole79

Knottie60446931 said:

Removed for TOS violation

levioosa

Ditto everything PPs have said.  I cringed when I read that letter.  Do not do this.  How incredibly insulting.

Oh, and dictating attire for you guests is incredibly rude.

Knottie60446931

I believe having all guests match in the same colours would be the best option in the end. However, I will have to disagree with corsages, those are just tacky.

Viczaesar

Knottie60446931 said:

I believe having all guests match in the same colours would be the best option in the end. However, I will have to disagree with corsages, those are just tacky.

Pathetic trolling attempt.  1.7/10.

glasgowtolondon

Knottie60446931 said:

I believe having all guests match in the same colours would be the best option in the end. However, I will have to disagree with corsages, those are just tacky.

I agree with you about the corsages, not a fan. However the tackiness of them pales in comparison to the rest of your plans. Stop trying to control what adults wear. 

Eta: just to add that corsages, whilst a matter of personal taste, are not rude to gift to someone. Dictating adults attire is rude, rude, rude.

Sherbie25

glasgowtolondon said:

OP, it's just a wedding. Yes, it's a very special day for you and your partner. Yes, friends and family will be happy for you and excited to support you as you make this commitment. But it's not the most important thing that will happen in the history of the world. Your friends are grown ups that will understand they are not in the wp, they don't need reminded that they haven't been selected. Why would you ever have to remind them they will be welcome to your bachelorette? They don't need a dress code or a facebook group either, let things happen organically. Stop trying to micromanage your friends. Basically just calm your tits.

Love seeing English phrases on here! 
Another apt one for this ridiculous situation is 'wind your neck in'!

geebee908

Knottie60446931 said:

I believe having all guests match in the same colours would be the best option in the end. However, I will have to disagree with corsages, those are just tacky.

Why do you believe in "decorating" your guests in your wedding colors? You don't become a dictator of everyone's attire because you are the bride; that's a super bridezilla move and you'll be the talk of your guests (not in a good way). 

Stop trying to control everyone.

glasgowtolondon

Sherbie25 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

OP, it's just a wedding. Yes, it's a very special day for you and your partner. Yes, friends and family will be happy for you and excited to support you as you make this commitment. But it's not the most important thing that will happen in the history of the world. Your friends are grown ups that will understand they are not in the wp, they don't need reminded that they haven't been selected. Why would you ever have to remind them they will be welcome to your bachelorette? They don't need a dress code or a facebook group either, let things happen organically. Stop trying to micromanage your friends. Basically just calm your tits.

Love seeing English phrases on here! 
Another apt one for this ridiculous situation is 'wind your neck in'!

Ha, I'm Scottish - lets say 'British phrases' and be friends!

[Deleted User]

I think you are trying to come from a good place, but the letter is just a big No. Especially the parts about wearing wedding colors and assisting with the wedding. 

Being in a similar position I think I understand where you are coming from. I have a number of really close friends (whose weddings I've been in) who would have been bridesmaids, however I've decided to only have my sister stand with me.  We are adults with strong friendships that at least span a decade - they know their importance in my life.  A few have asked, and we've talked about it.  No one is hurt. In fact I think they might be secretly happy to not buy a matching dress   But those I've talked about this with have made it very clear how happy they are for me, and that they hope to be there to celebrate during any pre-wedding events (if any are planned) and the day of.

Closer to the wedding I will tell them where I will be, if they would like to stop by that morning when I am getting ready. They are my closest friends, of course we will talk about all that. However there won't be any expectations, they may want the morning to relax and get ready with their husbands and children. I would like to have our photographer get a picture of us, but I'm more about candid pictures so I hope it will just organically happen.  Probably at the reception I'll pull everyone aside for a quick minute for a picture.

Jen4948

geebee908 said:

Knottie60446931 said:

I believe having all guests match in the same colours would be the best option in the end. However, I will have to disagree with corsages, those are just tacky.

Why do you believe in "decorating" your guests in your wedding colors? You don't become a dictator of everyone's attire because you are the bride; that's a super bridezilla move and you'll be the talk of your guests (not in a good way). 

Stop trying to control everyone.

If you need photographs of everyone in matching wedding colors, why not just get some mannequins of everyone, dress them how you like, and have them photographed? That's easier than trying to get all your guests to wear matching attire - not to mention that it's polite and telling your guests what to wear isn't.

flantastic

FFS, "wedding colo[u]rs" just mean:

"I think that I'll have most of my decorations and flowers be roughly cream, purple, and gold, and hopefully we can find bridesmaids' dresses in one of those colors that aren't too expensive and my friends like wearing."

not

"Everyone and everything that gets photographed at my wedding better match this crazy scheme or everything is ruined."

You have no right whatsoever to try to dress your guests. None. I would laugh when I read your color requirement and probably wear something bright red, assuming that's not one of the prescribed colors.

[Deleted User]

flantastic said:

FFS, "wedding colo[u]rs" just mean:

"I think that I'll have most of my decorations and flowers be roughly cream, purple, and gold, and hopefully we can find bridesmaids' dresses in one of those colors that aren't too expensive and my friends like wearing."

not

"Everyone and everything that gets photographed at my wedding better match this crazy scheme or everything is ruined."

You have no right whatsoever to try to dress your guests. None. I would laugh when I read your color requirement and probably wear something bright red, assuming that's not one of the prescribed colors.

Exactly this.  If you tell me I have to wear purple, I'm going to wear my green and black dress.  If you tell me I have to wear green, I'm going to wear my purple/brown/orange dress.  I am not a doll you can dress up to your liking.

thisismynickname2

Oh darn, the French was a TOS violation? I knew I should have gone to Google Translate when I had a chance.