Refusing a Plus 1?

lisakae44

Hi ladies! 

Congrats to all you beautiful brides and brides-to-be! I'm marrying the man of my dreams in late April 2016, and could NOT be happier! That said, I've run into a snag with a wedding guest, and I need some advice. Here's the scoop:

Just before I mailed the invitations, one of my Bridesmaids sent me a screen shot of a facebook message from one of our mutual college friends. She was a good friend in college. The friend in question (let's call her Jane) asking if she knew anything about the size of the guest list, and said she was bummed she didn't get an invite. I have not seen or really spoken to Jane in about 3 years. Also, she lives across the country.

My maid, trying to soothe any hurt feelings, told Jane that the wedding was on the smaller side and that invited had not yet gone out. Maid also let me know what was going on so I could make a decision on inviting Jane. Jane made a snarky comment that it was "kinda last minute for invites" even though at this point it was approx 90 days out. 

A few days later Jane then facebooks me, the bride, directly with this message:

" I don't know if this is bad form, but I was wondering if I'm getting an invite to your wedding. I'm already planning to visit GA this spring, and I'm wondering if I need to make it around that time."

After speaking to my fiance about it, and telling him that I felt like she was guilting me a little he told me to just invite her so I wouldn't feel bad about it. I responded to her letting her know invites hadn't been mailed, and that we had planned to keep things small, but would love to have her and asked fro her address. I addressed the invite to her and her alone (Ms. Jane Doe). I just got it her RSVP back and she has written in a plus one. She is not in a relationship, and did not indicate who her guest will be.

At this point I feel taken advantage of. I feel badly for not standing up and explaining that she would not be invited as we are trying to keep it small due to budget. I also feel like I don't want a total stranger that's a tag along of someone I haven't spoken to in years. Am I totally in the wrong for feeling like she's not only invited herself, but a stranger? Would it be rude to explain to her, nicely, that we did not extend a plus one for her and to please attend solo? She will know others there so she doesn't need a plus one to keep her company. How do I handle this, and what should I say?

thisismynickname2

Oh man. Sorry you're in this situation. You shouldn't have felt bad for not inviting her and you shouldn't have sent her an invite, but that ship sailed. 

Do you know for sure she's not in a relationship? Absolutely for sure, considering you haven't spoken in ages? Not everyone updates their FB profiles with that info. But assuming she's not, the advice on uninvited plus-ones is always to say you cannot accommodate the additional guest and clarify the invitation was meant for them and them alone. 

glasgowtolondon

Just call her and tell her 'I'm so glad you can make our wedding! Unfortunately as we are keeping things small we are not able to accommodate any plus 1'. Done!

lisakae44

I do know for sure about her relationship as she has commented on various social media about being single, and discusses it with my Bmaid frequently. Perhaps something has changed in the last few weeks, but I would not extend a +1 to that new of a significant other anyway. Our rule is long term SO/Fiance/Partner invited.

short+sassy

Actually, it is proper etiquette to invite SOs, regardless of how long they have been dating.  If a guest considers another person their SO, then that person is their SO.  Otherwise, the host is now a "judge" of how serious a person's relationship is.  Which isn't fair to and can really offend a guest.

But, in regards to Jane, she was rude to add on a true plus one and there is nothing wrong with telling her the invitation was only meant for her and you cannot accommodate her friend. 

lisakae44

Actually the etiquette is to invite those with SO as you wish, as long as everyone is given the same rule. Don't invite one person's two week BF and not another's. Never exclude spouses or fiances/fiancees.

glasgowtolondon

lisakae44 said:

I do know for sure about her relationship as she has commented on various social media about being single, and discusses it with my Bmaid frequently. Perhaps something has changed in the last few weeks, but I would not extend a +1 to that new of a significant other anyway. Our rule is long term SO/Fiance/Partner invited.

You're nearly right. SO is anyone that a person deems themselves to be in a relationship at the time of invitations. Its not up to you to determine what is/is not a 'serious enough' relationship.

lisakae44

Perhaps "serious relationship" was not the right phrase. The point being, we are not inviting SO's of under a year, or that we've never met. Though in this case, it's not actually an issue.

EvilSockLady

lisakae44 said:

Actually the etiquette is to invite those with SO as you wish, as long as everyone is given the same rule. Don't invite one person's two week BF and not another's. Never exclude spouses or fiances/fiancees.

No. Proper etiquette is to not judge the seriousness of your guests' relationships.
Every relationship is different. I have a friend engaged after 4 months and another who didnt say "I love you" for to years.
If a person considers someone their SO they need to be invited

EvilSockLady

lisakae44 said:

Perhaps "serious relationship" was not the right phrase. The point being, we are not inviting SO's of under a year, or that we've never met. Though in this case, it's not actually an issue.

Soooo disrespectful to your guests! It's a day to celebrate love but by doing this you are telling them that their love is only important if it fits some arbitrary mold you've made.

Invite ALL SO's

lisakae44

The people I love are not the girl my buddy picked up at a bar last week. But, thanks for your help on my ACTUAL question.

lisakae44

Also, that doesn't actually apply to any of my other guests and 90% are married and the others are totally single.

EvilSockLady

lisakae44 said:

The people I love are not the girl my buddy picked up at a bar last week. But, thanks for your help on my ACTUAL question.

The time between invites and wedding is more than a week so obviously your example is irrelevant.
It isn't just about you once you invite guests. You need to treat guests respectfully. That includes respecting their relationships.

scrunchythief

EvilSockLady said:

lisakae44 said:

Perhaps "serious relationship" was not the right phrase. The point being, we are not inviting SO's of under a year, or that we've never met. Though in this case, it's not actually an issue.

Soooo disrespectful to your guests! It's a day to celebrate love but by doing this you are telling them that their love is only important if it fits some arbitrary mold you've made.

Invite ALL SO's

lisakae44

If a guest in engaged after 4 months, then I would invite the fiance. If they "didn't say I love you for years" that would denote they have been together longer than a year and would also be invited, FYI.

banana468

lisakae44 said:

Perhaps "serious relationship" was not the right phrase. The point being, we are not inviting SO's of under a year, or that we've never met. Though in this case, it's not actually an issue.

Totally rude.  DH and I were serious quickly.  My BIL was shoppingoing for rings at 6 mo and bought a condo w/his wife before the 1 year mark.

Be happy that we are helping you avoid a monumental mistake.  Any guest in a relationship should be invited with his/her SO.  Period.  The GUEST determines if the relationship is significant.  Not you.  

EvilSockLady

lisakae44 said:

Also, that doesn't actually apply to any of my other guests and 90% are married and the others are totally single.

Then why did you mention having a specific guideline if you used it zero times? But that's good news. Ask the girl if this is her SO and if she says yes and you invite them, no other guest will be mad since none had their SOs excluded, right?

EvilSockLady

lisakae44 said:

If a guest in engaged after 4 months, then I would invite the fiance. If they "didn't say I love you for years" that would denote they have been together longer than a year and would also be invited, FYI.

And if invites went out the day before they got engaged?

Some made up time span is a stupid way to determine the seriousness of a relationship. It's no different than my deciding only couples that dress alike or use pet names or kiss in public are serious enough to be invited.
It's all stupid.

Trust your guests to know whether or not their relationship is serious.

glasgowtolondon

@EvilSockLady you've said everything I want to say, only better. Love your work.

[Deleted User]

Feel free to refuse the Plus One.  You may not, under any circumstances, refuse a Significant Other.  It's right there in the name!  SIGNIFICANT.  Actually, whatever, go ahead... just know that if you refuse to invite my significant other with me to a wedding, we will no longer be friends.

thefanciestbeckler

Your BM really shouldn't have answered for you, but whatever. That part is done now.

It was rude of her to basically invite herself and then invite another person. Just tell her you're keeping it small and can't accommodate a plus 1. She can then make the call as to whether she still wants to come.

ernursej

OP - A story ... I attended a wedding ~6 years ago. My SO wasn't invited as we had not been going out for more than a year (bride's explanation of why he wasn't invited). We are now engaged to be married. You will never know how a relationship might work, so if someone is in any relationship, the SO needs to be invited. I'm still raw about the whole thing as everyone else had their SO and I was the odd one out. Funny thing is ... I'm the only one who has stayed with their SO from that time! Everyone else is with different people.

For the true plus one that was added to the invite, I would dig a bit deeper and find out her relationship status. If she is with someone, they get an invite. If it is a true plus one situation ... you can make the call to allow that to happen or let her know that her plus one cannot be accommodated. Be prepared though for her to enter into a relationship, in which case, the SO would need to be invited.

madamerwin

lisakae44 said:

The people I love are not the girl my buddy picked up at a bar last week. But, thanks for your help on my ACTUAL question.

When you provide information in a forum online, people will give their opinions, regardless of whether it was your "ACTUAL question." Not inviting all significant others is entirely against etiquette, especially when you arbitrarily decide that one year is when all relationships become serious. 

Don't come to an etiquette board, tell people you are doing something that goes against wedding etiquette, and then expect people not to respond.

Echoing PPs: You must invite all significant others, whether they have been dating for two weeks or twenty years. You need to invite SOs regardless of whether you have met them. To invite someone to your wedding - a day to celebrate your love and relationship - without their significant other is really disrespectful. If you did that to me, I would very quickly decline your wedding invitation, and probably let our friendship fade into oblivion.

SP29

As for this friend- you shouldn't have felt obligated to invite her in the first place. But now that you have, if this person is TRULY a plus one, call her up and say, "Hi Jane, so glad you can make it. Unfortunately the invitation is only for you, we are unable to accommodate any additional guests".

Inviting SOs DOES pertain to your original question, because if this addition from Jane is her partner, (s)he needs to be invited!

Not inviting someone's SO is a pretty big etiquette breech. When this has come up in other posts, I would say it is probably one of the most offensive to people on this board. It is not up to you (or anyone) to judge the seriousness of anyone else's relationship. It is also disrespectful for you (or anyone) to ask someone to witness and celebrate your relationship and love while at the same time disregarding theirs.

Story time again- DH moved away for university after high school (before we were married). Like 3-4 hour plane flight away. He made a good group of friends there. While I had been to visit over reading week a few times, I didn't meet very many of his friends, because likewise they were gone home or traveling.

DH's friends got married the summer after they graduated university. I was invited along with DH. The first time I ever met or talked to the bride or groom was their wedding day! I ended up moving to be with DH and this group of friends of DH have become some of MY best friends too. While we have moved back home, the last time we went back to visit, we stayed at the house of this original bride and groom, and look forward to seeing them this summer when we visit again- an extra special visit because this same couple is expecting their first child- I am thrilled for them.

Point being- just because you haven't met a friend's SO still doesn't give you the right to judge the seriousness of their relationship, AND you never know what sort of relationship you will develop with these people. Particularly since you are having a small wedding, I assume you are keeping to "near and dear" friends and family. If you have someone who is near and dear enough to be invited to your wedding, they are important enough for you to get to know their SO!!

levioosa

You have to invite ALL SO's, regardless of length of time they are together.  If a couple considers themselves to be in a relationship, then you must invite them together.  You don't get to make up arbitrary rules dictating what constitutes a relationship.  

holyguacamole79

lisakae44 said:

Perhaps "serious relationship" was not the right phrase. The point being, we are not inviting SO's of under a year, or that we've never met. Though in this case, it's not actually an issue.

My husband and I were married 11 months after we met .... so would he have made the cut? 

ETA:  He and I dated for 3 months.   I was invited to a wedding shortly after we started dating.  I asked the bride if I could bring him, and she said yes.  It turned out that her wedding was 2 weeks after our engagement.   Had she said no based on the fact that we had just met, it would've been super awkward.   And I saw her several times over the next few years ... all with my husband. 

[Deleted User]

Jane was rude to write in a plus one.  You do not have to extend a guest to truly single guests, although if you are able, it is a nice gesture.  That said, Jane sounds like a little bit of a jerk; talking to one of your bms about the invite situation, then contacting you to secure an invite to the wedding, and then adding a guest for herself.  Let her know that you are unable to accommodate a plus 1. You mention all other single guests not having a plus one, so it's not like she is being excluded in anyway.  She can decide what she wants to do from there.

PPs have it covered.  And I know you've mention in posts this doesn't apply to anyone in your guest list. But, just to get it out there for others. SOs, who have been around for any length of time are invited guests.  My SO and I don't live anywhere near my close friends so they have never met, despite him being around for just under a year.  We've always been very serious and are currently making wedding plans.  I usually find it a little hurtful whenever I read that brides have not invited the SOs they've never met.  And I want to ask the bride, "What are the circumstances as to why you haven't met?  Have you ever made an effort to meet your good friend's SO?"  Sorry, rant over.

LondonLisa

I feel like this whole mess is because almost all the actors are being incredibly ineffectual. 

1.) Your BM should never have forwarded you the conversation
2.) Jane should never have asked to you come
3.) No one can "invite themself" if you send them an invitation. She was rude to ask, but you could have said no.
4.) If she is truly single say "sorry, we aren't doing plus ones". If she is seeing anyone (whether 1 day or 1 decade) you should say "of course, what is their name and I will add them to the list. I am sorry I missed them".

Quit being so conflict avoidant and actually solve a problem head-on instead of waffling.  

lnixon8

lisakae44 said:

The people I love are not the girl my buddy picked up at a bar last week. But, thanks for your help on my ACTUAL question.


SITB
In 1985 my Mom was just the girl my dad picked up at a bar last week. They will be married 30 years in October.

LD1970

There was a time when my H was "some guy I met in a bar last week." By 3 weeks after we met, he was a legit boyfriend.  We were engaged less than 4 months from the day we met.  We got married more or less on our 1 year meeting anniversary (anniversary would have been the next day).  We'll be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.

Meanwhile, before H, I dated my prior boyfriend for almost 4 years and we never even said we loved each other.  Length of time together does not indicate significance of relationship.

[Deleted User]

Uuughhh here we go with this again.  OP:  you can do what you want.  If you don't want to invite someone's SO, then don't.  WHO IS PAYING FOR THE WEDDING?  You or them?  This is exactly how people end up in weddings they cannot afford and the ONLY person left feeling like sh*t is guess who?  YOU and your husband when it's time to look at your drained bank account.

I'm actually surprised you gave in and sent an invite to someone who you haven't seen in 3 years.  I'm a bit of a tough cookie so my response would have been something like this: "I was hesitant on inviting you to begin with because we haven't been in touch for 3 years.  You bothered one of my bridesmaids about whether or not you were getting an invite which put her in an uncomfortable situation and I'm NOT cool with that.  Now you want to take advantage of me extending an invite to you on MY special day by telling me you're bringing a guest?  You now have a choice:  come alone or don't come at all."

Let me tell you something, I'll knock down a guest list real quick!  No one is going to have me and my FH arguing over finances the day after our wedding because people were there we didn't really want to be there to begin with!  Remember:  this person is going to be in wedding photos!  Do you REALLY want to see her face in them for all of eternity?