Church Members

[Deleted User]

Hi, 

I don't know if this is etiquette question. I've been reading this broad for a while and its been super helpful in wedding planning.

However, me and my fiance are super involved in our church. We help lead our young professional and teen ministry. We both come from large families that we are close that we want at the wedding. We just can't afford to invite everyone to the wedding. We were given the suggestion to have an open ceremony and invite-only reception. The reason for that was that this people feel invested and want to witness us becoming one. I think i saw someone on here that church showers are exceptions to the rule like everyone invite to shower needs to be invited to wedding. But I don't think applies to the only inviting them to 1 part of the wedding. 

So my question is that is it bad etiquette to invite just them just to the ceremony?

Also due to the fact we can't invite them to the wedding, I have been feeling like a jerk because I have been bean-dipping anytime they ask how the wedding planning is going or offer to help.  

cgss11

I would say if you want these people to witness the wedding, to rethink your reception plans. Change the time of it and have a cake and punch style reception. Your money would go a lot further that way. 

Anyone invited to the wedding, needs invited to the reception. Period. 

Maybe it's because I'm not terribly religious, or sentimental, but no way would going to only witness a wedding interest me. I like weddings, I like seeing a couple unite, but it's really about the whole day for me - ceremony and redemption. 

flantastic

cgss11 said:

I would say if you want these people to witness the wedding, to rethink your reception plans. Change the time of it and have a cake and punch style reception. Your money would go a lot further that way. 

Anyone invited to the wedding, needs invited to the reception. Period. 

Maybe it's because I'm not terribly religious, or sentimental, but no way would going to only witness a wedding interest me. I like weddings, I like seeing a couple unite, but it's really about the whole day for me - ceremony and redemption. 

I might be considered terribly religious, but I have done the bolded.

No, you cannot invite them to one half.

The key is that if your ceremony is in a church, it is already open. They are able to come. The moment you mention that they should come, though, you've invited them, and they need to be invited to the reception too. If your ceremony is not in the church then it is necessarily invite-only.

ShesSoCold

I know that some churches open weddings to all their parishioners and weddings are listed in the church bulletin, therefore anyone really can come to the wedding itself. That is the only instance (that I know of) where it is okay to have people at the ceremony who do not attend the reception. BUT - you do not send an invitation to those people, at all.

geebee908

The tradition of "open church" is in practice in Catholic churches as the sacraments are part of the community worship and anyone is welcome to witness the ceremony. 

But PPs are correct in that you can't invite them in any way without hosting them after. If your fellow church members really want to witness your wedding, they have to find out the when for themselves.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1453575437 said:

Hi, 

I don't know if this is etiquette question. I've been reading this broad for a while and its been super helpful in wedding planning.

However, me and my fiance are super involved in our church. We help lead our young professional and teen ministry. We both come from large families that we are close that we want at the wedding. We just can't afford to invite everyone to the wedding. We were given the suggestion to have an open ceremony and invite-only reception. The reason for that was that this people feel invested and want to witness us becoming one. I think i saw someone on here that church showers are exceptions to the rule like everyone invite to shower needs to be invited to wedding. But I don't think applies to the only inviting them to 1 part of the wedding. 

So my question is that is it bad etiquette to invite just them just to the ceremony?

Also due to the fact we can't invite them to the wedding, I have been feeling like a jerk because I have been bean-dipping anytime they ask how the wedding planning is going or offer to help.  

Short answer - yes, it is bad etiquette to invite them just to the ceremony.  I had some friends years ago who had an open ceremony & an invite-only reception.  It was INCREDIBLY awkward.  I was B-listed and (at the last minute) got a coveted invite to the reception.  A few people were talking about going out afterwards and I said, "oh, I'll meet up with you later - I'm going to the reception."  Crazy awkward.

I'm like you - I'm really involved at my church and wanted to invite more church friends than I could accommodate.  I had several people asking well-meaning questions and I bean-dipped as long as I could.  I said to a few people, "I feel awkward discussing the wedding since we aren't able to accommodate as many people as we'd like."  Several of them knew that they wouldn't get an invite, but they did ask when the ceremony was because they said they'd like to come witness it.  I told them the date & time.  A few showed up and it meant a lot to me (especially since I've known them for years).   

[Deleted User]

Thanks, 

I knew it was against etiquette (after reading this broad) but have been told a couple of times that is what we do as a church. We are not sending them invites, but it will be announced. Our church does not own a church building so we will not be getting married in one.  We are already doing a cake and punch reception with light apps at 1pm. We can not have outside caterers and we can't change venues at this point because invites have already been order, but to add more apps to fit the number of ppl our church has is outside of our budget. 

I feel like a rock and hard place. 

geebee908

dbclement2016 said:

Thanks, 

I knew it was against etiquette (after reading this broad) but have been told a couple of times that is what we do as a church. We are not sending them invites, but it will be announced. Our church does not own a church building so we will not be getting married in one.  We are already doing a cake and punch reception with light apps at 1pm. We can not have outside caterers and we can't change venues at this point because invites have already been order, but to add more apps to fit the number of ppl our church has is outside of our budget. 

I feel like a rock and hard place. 

Then, since it's not in your church, you'll need to tell people that it's a smaller wedding and you couldn't invite everyone and bean dip. They shouldn't expect to come to a ceremony that's not at your church.

ShesSoCold

dbclement2016 said:

Thanks, 

I knew it was against etiquette (after reading this broad) but have been told a couple of times that is what we do as a church. We are not sending them invites, but it will be announced. Our church does not own a church building so we will not be getting married in one.  We are already doing a cake and punch reception with light apps at 1pm. We can not have outside caterers and we can't change venues at this point because invites have already been order, but to add more apps to fit the number of ppl our church has is outside of our budget. 

I feel like a rock and hard place. 

Most people get married in their lifetime. Most people have budgets. Therefore most people will understand the situation you're in. People will understand if they're not invited.

MesmrEwe

In Catholicism weddings are open and anyone can come in to attend the wedding service hence the notice in the Bulletin of the upcoming Nuptials.  Not that anyone ever does nor that they're invited to the reception if they do show up unannounced.  However, that's not how it works for all religions, so that possibly could be an "out" depending on your place of worship - but you'd have to talk to your pastor/officiant... 

You're really in a darned if you do, darned if you don't situation.  Etiquette wise, it's simply "all or nothing" for those who do get an invite...  But, you're dealing with a "Church Politics vs. Etiquette".  Have you actually researched numbers for the added guests (lower the "level" of your reception hall and simplify the meal (every venue offers a "budget friendly" option)...  You may find yourself better able to determine what is/isn't an option.  If it's absolutely not an option to invite them to the reception, avoid inviting them to the ceremony, and most certainly do not do ceremony-only invites or reception only invites - no tiered guest lists!!!  I'd say "invite in circles" if you do invite anyone from church.  For example, adult couples you work directly with..  People will understand if you're open about things with them for where those lines are. 

Jen4948

dbclement2016 said:

Thanks, 

I knew it was against etiquette (after reading this broad) but have been told a couple of times that is what we do as a church. We are not sending them invites, but it will be announced. Our church does not own a church building so we will not be getting married in one.  We are already doing a cake and punch reception with light apps at 1pm. We can not have outside caterers and we can't change venues at this point because invites have already been order, but to add more apps to fit the number of ppl our church has is outside of our budget. 

I feel like a rock and hard place. 

Just let people at your church know that due to budget limitations it isn't possible to invite everyone in the church.  Then invite only those members whom you can fit in your budget along with your family and friends.  If anyone says "this is what we do as a church" you can respond, "I'm sorry, but it isn't up to the church who we invite."

cgss11

I'm guessing by not my church she means the church uses a space like a school or something on the weekends? That's how I interpreted it.

[Deleted User]

Thanks, 

We are already at the lowest possible option already. Yes our church meets in a hotel. I have turned down a shower already for that fact. My MoH has been spreading the word that we will have a small wedding. I know i might get side eyes due to the fact we will have 4 weddings from April till July and they are all doing the open ceremony and invite only reception. 

JediElizabeth

wdment2016 said:

Thanks, 

We are already at the lowest possible option already. Yes our church meets in a hotel. I have turned down a shower already for that fact. My MoH has been spreading the word that we will have a small wedding. I know i might get side eyes due to the fact we will have 4 weddings from April till July and they are all doing the open ceremony and invite only reception. 

Maybe this is my Catholic upbringing coming out (I know it is, despite not practicing for a decade), but this seems ludicrous to me.

I wouldn't send out personal invites, and I wouldn't verbally ask people from my church to come to the ceremony if I wasn't inviting them to the reception, but I also wouldn't go against the norms of the worship community by forbidding them from coming to the religious aspect of my wedding, if I were still Christian. I think you should keep it open, and let the ministry put up whatever notifications they usually would. If people go out of their way to go to the ceremony without a personal invite, that's far different than getting invited by the couple, and they know that. 

short+sassy

JediElizabeth said:

show previous quotes

wdment2016 said:

Thanks, 

We are already at the lowest possible option already. Yes our church meets in a hotel. I have turned down a shower already for that fact. My MoH has been spreading the word that we will have a small wedding. I know i might get side eyes due to the fact we will have 4 weddings from April till July and they are all doing the open ceremony and invite only reception. 

Maybe this is my Catholic upbringing coming out (I know it is, despite not practicing for a decade), but this seems ludicrous to me.

I wouldn't send out personal invites, and I wouldn't verbally ask people from my church to come to the ceremony if I wasn't inviting them to the reception, but I also wouldn't go against the norms of the worship community by forbidding them from coming to the religious aspect of my wedding, if I were still Christian. I think you should keep it open, and let the ministry put up whatever notifications they usually would. If people go out of their way to go to the ceremony without a personal invite, that's far different than getting invited by the couple, and they know that. 

Yeah, I'm not understanding this at all either.  No offense to you, OP.  I'm not understanding your church's culture.  I could see if the church had it's own building and you all were getting married at the church, that some parishioners (not invited to the reception) might want to come by and witness the ceremony just to wish you all well.  Let me more specifically say, hearing about it via the church bulletin or something like that...not from you all.

But if your ceremony and all four of the other ones are all at a variety of places, it just sounds super odd that there would be this blanket invitation to church members for just the ceremony. 

lovesclimbing

Since H and I moved here about two years ago, there have been three "open" weddings at our church. And by that, I mean an announcement was posted in the bulletin inviting the entire church to the wedding. However, everyone was also invited to the reception afterward. In all cases, these were afternoon weddings with cake and punch receptions. 

Open weddings like this with the entire church invited are not uncommon, and I don't really find it rude that there's no personal invitation, maybe because I grew up with that. (If I don't know the couple, I simply don't go. H and I did not go to any of the three because we either didn't know them or had only briefly met them once or twice.) 

But, everybody needs to be invited to the reception afterward! It's very rude not to do so. Adding cake and punch for 50-75 additional people shouldn't break the bank. 

short+sassy

lovesclimbing said:

Since H and I moved here about two years ago, there have been three "open" weddings at our church. And by that, I mean an announcement was posted in the bulletin inviting the entire church to the wedding. However, everyone was also invited to the reception afterward. In all cases, these were afternoon weddings with cake and punch receptions. 

Open weddings like this with the entire church invited are not uncommon, and I don't really find it rude that there's no personal invitation, maybe because I grew up with that. (If I don't know the couple, I simply don't go. H and I did not go to any of the three because we either didn't know them or had only briefly met them once or twice.) 

But, everybody needs to be invited to the reception afterward! It's very rude not to do so. Adding cake and punch for 50-75 additional people shouldn't break the bank. 

At my church growing up, which was a fairly small church with a close membership, I've seen it done two ways.  1) Just a general announcement that X and O would be getting married on Y date at the church, (but without an open invitation to attend the ceremony) and 2) More like what you described @lovesclimbing, that X and O would be getting married at Y date at the church, they are inviting the congregation to join in their nuptials and there will be a punch and cake (sometimes a full) reception to follow.  And then the reception was also always on the church property.

I don't see anything wrong with either one of those options.  Or maybe it was just what I grew up with.

Like other PPs have mentioned, usually we didn't attend the ceremony unless we were invited to the reception.  But I remember one exception where the couple was having a fairly small reception and, even though my parents weren't invited to the reception portion, they felt close enough to the couple to go to the ceremony portion (at the church).

But I do find it odd when the church has nothing to do with the location, yet their members are invited to a "ceremony only".

CMGragain

Have you talked to the minister?  What does he/she say?  Have you talked to the little old ladies in the church family who run everything?  (You know who they are - everyone does!)  They will have an opinion.  They always do.

I would cancel the appetizers and go with sheet cake and punch.  If this is an afternoon wedding, there should be no problem.  How many people are we talking about, here?

ILoveBeachMusic

I think the point of it being open, is that it is a church service that anyone can attend. That being the case, people who find out about the wedding via a bulletin or what have you don't need to be invited to the reception. They aren't being sent invitations to the wedding. This is true of other denominations than Catholic. If the church meets in a public building, it is open to the public. It doesn't have to be a "church". I assumed that OP is being married where the church normally meets (I may be wrong about that). If that is the case, people can come to the wedding and not be invited to the reception. I was married in a large chapel on a university campus. Anyone could've walked in who wanted to come. I saw people I didn't even know in pictures from the church. They were certainly not invited to the reception.

adwks

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think the point of it being open, is that it is a church service that anyone can attend. That being the case, people who find out about the wedding via a bulletin or what have you don't need to be invited to the reception. They aren't being sent invitations to the wedding. This is true of other denominations than Catholic. If the church meets in a public building, it is open to the public. It doesn't have to be a "church". I assumed that OP is being married where the church normally meets (I may be wrong about that). If that is the case, people can come to the wedding and not be invited to the reception. I was married in a large chapel on a university campus. Anyone could've walked in who wanted to come. I saw people I didn't even know in pictures from the church. They were certainly not invited to the reception.

I'll agree with this. All the weddings at my church are technically open. It is a service at the church so any members are welcome invite or no while the reception is a private party. Now you can't invite someone just to the ceremony but if one of the older ladies sees the wedding is happening on x date and decides to show up or if the choir is practicing down the hall and comes over to witness the wedding, it's a church service they are welcome to join in. 

I will point out that our weddings do tend to be more along the lines of a normal religious service ( at least compared to some of the different religious weddings I've been to) our pastor tends to talk a lot about scripture during the wedding, and have what I'm sure is probably considered a mini sermon.  So people dropping by probably feel like it's a combo of normal service with some wedding included. 

lc07

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think the point of it being open, is that it is a church service that anyone can attend. That being the case, people who find out about the wedding via a bulletin or what have you don't need to be invited to the reception. They aren't being sent invitations to the wedding. This is true of other denominations than Catholic. If the church meets in a public building, it is open to the public. It doesn't have to be a "church". I assumed that OP is being married where the church normally meets (I may be wrong about that). If that is the case, people can come to the wedding and not be invited to the reception. I was married in a large chapel on a university campus. Anyone could've walked in who wanted to come. I saw people I didn't even know in pictures from the church. They were certainly not invited to the reception.

But what if the reception is in the same space? Is OP going to kick out the people who aren't invited to the reception afterwards?

OP, are you having the ceremony and reception in the same location? What kind of announcement does your church give about weddings? 

I would send invitations to those who you are formally inviting to the ceremony and reception. If your church posts something in the bulletin in advance about your wedding, my advice about what to do depends on whether the ceremony and reception are being held in the same place or not. 

*Edited for clarity

ILoveBeachMusic

lc07 said:

show previous quotes

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think the point of it being open, is that it is a church service that anyone can attend. That being the case, people who find out about the wedding via a bulletin or what have you don't need to be invited to the reception. They aren't being sent invitations to the wedding. This is true of other denominations than Catholic. If the church meets in a public building, it is open to the public. It doesn't have to be a "church". I assumed that OP is being married where the church normally meets (I may be wrong about that). If that is the case, people can come to the wedding and not be invited to the reception. I was married in a large chapel on a university campus. Anyone could've walked in who wanted to come. I saw people I didn't even know in pictures from the church. They were certainly not invited to the reception.

But what if the reception is in the same space? Is OP going to kick out the people who aren't invited to the reception afterwards?

OP, are you having the ceremony and reception in the same location? What kind of announcement does your church give about weddings? 

I would send invitations to those who you are formally inviting to the ceremony and reception. If your church posts something in the bulletin in advance about your wedding, my advice about what to do depends on whether the ceremony and reception are being held in the same place or not. 

*Edited for clarity

I can see that could be a problem but don't really think it would happen. OP said that this is a common occurrence for her church - everyone is invited to the ceremony through a church announcement. I would think that the congregation is accustom to not attending receptions if an invitation isn't received even if the reception is in the same location.

banana468

scribe95 said:

I didn't know most wedding services were open to church members. How is that not a logistical nightmare if the bride/groom invite at capacity and then a bunch of other people are there? 

FWIW, I've been to a lot of weddings in my own faith (Catholic) and the churches used for them are not in danger of hitting a capacity limit.   Only once did friends of mine use a small chapel that was clearly not used frequently.

At my own wedding we had a random old lady in the church the night of our rehearsal.   She may have been there for Adoration or just to be there to pray.    She saw us rehearsing and asked when we were getting married.   When I told her "Tomorrow at 2," she said "OK I'll be there!"   I looked around and thought it was weird but hey, girlfriend likes weddings.

The next day she came through our receiving line and the church coordinator told us she attends ALL the weddings.

I'm thinking if you're in a church where it's small and you may have an issue then you have your ushers put in a diligent effort to crowd the pews and you tell your VIPs to try to get there early.   

Maggie0829

banana468 said:

show previous quotes

scribe95 said:

I didn't know most wedding services were open to church members. How is that not a logistical nightmare if the bride/groom invite at capacity and then a bunch of other people are there? 

FWIW, I've been to a lot of weddings in my own faith (Catholic) and the churches used for them are not in danger of hitting a capacity limit.   Only once did friends of mine use a small chapel that was clearly not used frequently.

At my own wedding we had a random old lady in the church the night of our rehearsal.   She may have been there for Adoration or just to be there to pray.    She saw us rehearsing and asked when we were getting married.   When I told her "Tomorrow at 2," she said "OK I'll be there!"   I looked around and thought it was weird but hey, girlfriend likes weddings.

The next day she came through our receiving line and the church coordinator told us she attends ALL the weddings.

I'm thinking if you're in a church where it's small and you may have an issue then you have your ushers put in a diligent effort to crowd the pews and you tell your VIPs to try to get there early.   

But OP said that her congregation doesn't have an actual church, but rather meets in a hotel.  So this leads me to believe that OP is getting married at a venue of her choosing but it needs to be large enough to hold her entire congregation if they all decide to show up for the ceremony.  I could see how this could cause major planning problems.  

To me if you are getting married in your actual church, then okay have the ceremony be open to the entire congregation, makes sense.  But in OPs case, I think it is kind of crappy of the congregation to demand that her ceremony be open when she is not getting married in the church.

[Deleted User]

Our minister is the one to suggested to have the open ceremony. He told me people understand that we can not have everyone at the reception but people want to witness us taking our vows. There will be a mini-sermon given during the ceremony. We are not catholic. So no communion or anything. 
The ceremony and reception will take place in the same venue. But in two different areas. We are getting married in my Fiance hometown which is like 30-45 mins away from were we currently live. 
Normally what will happen is a announcement is made a couple weeks before the wedding that ppl are welcome to attend the ceremony but the reception is invite only. 
It could be an extra 70 ppl. We would not be at max capacities for the venue. Our parents are paying for the apps to give guest something to eat while we take short pics. Neither parent has extra money and super generous with what they gave. (we didn't ask for the money, they gave after we told them the plan for the wedding).
It is my church culture, like i said in post till i came on here didn't know it was bad etiquette to do so. 

flantastic

Maggie0829 said:

show previous quotes

banana468 said:

scribe95 said:

I didn't know most wedding services were open to church members. How is that not a logistical nightmare if the bride/groom invite at capacity and then a bunch of other people are there? 

FWIW, I've been to a lot of weddings in my own faith (Catholic) and the churches used for them are not in danger of hitting a capacity limit.   Only once did friends of mine use a small chapel that was clearly not used frequently.

At my own wedding we had a random old lady in the church the night of our rehearsal.   She may have been there for Adoration or just to be there to pray.    She saw us rehearsing and asked when we were getting married.   When I told her "Tomorrow at 2," she said "OK I'll be there!"   I looked around and thought it was weird but hey, girlfriend likes weddings.

The next day she came through our receiving line and the church coordinator told us she attends ALL the weddings.

I'm thinking if you're in a church where it's small and you may have an issue then you have your ushers put in a diligent effort to crowd the pews and you tell your VIPs to try to get there early.   

But OP said that her congregation doesn't have an actual church, but rather meets in a hotel.  So this leads me to believe that OP is getting married at a venue of her choosing but it needs to be large enough to hold her entire congregation if they all decide to show up for the ceremony.  I could see how this could cause major planning problems.  

To me if you are getting married in your actual church, then okay have the ceremony be open to the entire congregation, makes sense.  But in OPs case, I think it is kind of crappy of the congregation to demand that her ceremony be open when she is not getting married in the church.

I agree with this. If it's at the parish church and parishioners want to swing by, that's one thing, but if it's offsite (and the reception is at the same location), sorry, but no. It's an invite-only event.

OP, just don't have the announcement made... because people are not welcome to attend the ceremony and not the reception. If people ask, you have a legitimate reason: "The venue's capacity wouldn't allow us to open the ceremony to everyone from church. How did you enjoy the sermon today?"

ILoveBeachMusic

flantastic said:

show previous quotes

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:

scribe95 said:

I didn't know most wedding services were open to church members. How is that not a logistical nightmare if the bride/groom invite at capacity and then a bunch of other people are there? 

FWIW, I've been to a lot of weddings in my own faith (Catholic) and the churches used for them are not in danger of hitting a capacity limit.   Only once did friends of mine use a small chapel that was clearly not used frequently.

At my own wedding we had a random old lady in the church the night of our rehearsal.   She may have been there for Adoration or just to be there to pray.    She saw us rehearsing and asked when we were getting married.   When I told her "Tomorrow at 2," she said "OK I'll be there!"   I looked around and thought it was weird but hey, girlfriend likes weddings.

The next day she came through our receiving line and the church coordinator told us she attends ALL the weddings.

I'm thinking if you're in a church where it's small and you may have an issue then you have your ushers put in a diligent effort to crowd the pews and you tell your VIPs to try to get there early.   

But OP said that her congregation doesn't have an actual church, but rather meets in a hotel.  So this leads me to believe that OP is getting married at a venue of her choosing but it needs to be large enough to hold her entire congregation if they all decide to show up for the ceremony.  I could see how this could cause major planning problems.  

To me if you are getting married in your actual church, then okay have the ceremony be open to the entire congregation, makes sense.  But in OPs case, I think it is kind of crappy of the congregation to demand that her ceremony be open when she is not getting married in the church.

I agree with this. If it's at the parish church and parishioners want to swing by, that's one thing, but if it's offsite (and the reception is at the same location), sorry, but no. It's an invite-only event.

OP, just don't have the announcement made... because people are not welcome to attend the ceremony and not the reception. If people ask, you have a legitimate reason: "The venue's capacity wouldn't allow us to open the ceremony to everyone from church. How did you enjoy the sermon today?"

But, if the church services are normally held in a hotel (a lot of small/new churches rent space until they have a church building) that would be considered the church. I am on the board of a Y, two churches rent space within our facility. That is considered their church "building". I think the OP is ok with doing what the church normally does since all the members understand how it works. I wouldn't say that etiquette should trump a church. That would sit very badly with me. OP also said they wouldn't be over capacity if the members came.

geebee908

OP also said the other weddings held recently by church members hosted everyone after, so I think that would be the church members expectation. She can't accommodate them for the reception. Since the wedding isn't at the hotel where the church meets, I think she's within her rights to limit who can come.

Maggie0829

ILoveBeachMusic said:

show previous quotes

flantastic said:

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:

scribe95 said:

I didn't know most wedding services were open to church members. How is that not a logistical nightmare if the bride/groom invite at capacity and then a bunch of other people are there? 

FWIW, I've been to a lot of weddings in my own faith (Catholic) and the churches used for them are not in danger of hitting a capacity limit.   Only once did friends of mine use a small chapel that was clearly not used frequently.

At my own wedding we had a random old lady in the church the night of our rehearsal.   She may have been there for Adoration or just to be there to pray.    She saw us rehearsing and asked when we were getting married.   When I told her "Tomorrow at 2," she said "OK I'll be there!"   I looked around and thought it was weird but hey, girlfriend likes weddings.

The next day she came through our receiving line and the church coordinator told us she attends ALL the weddings.

I'm thinking if you're in a church where it's small and you may have an issue then you have your ushers put in a diligent effort to crowd the pews and you tell your VIPs to try to get there early.   

But OP said that her congregation doesn't have an actual church, but rather meets in a hotel.  So this leads me to believe that OP is getting married at a venue of her choosing but it needs to be large enough to hold her entire congregation if they all decide to show up for the ceremony.  I could see how this could cause major planning problems.  

To me if you are getting married in your actual church, then okay have the ceremony be open to the entire congregation, makes sense.  But in OPs case, I think it is kind of crappy of the congregation to demand that her ceremony be open when she is not getting married in the church.

I agree with this. If it's at the parish church and parishioners want to swing by, that's one thing, but if it's offsite (and the reception is at the same location), sorry, but no. It's an invite-only event.

OP, just don't have the announcement made... because people are not welcome to attend the ceremony and not the reception. If people ask, you have a legitimate reason: "The venue's capacity wouldn't allow us to open the ceremony to everyone from church. How did you enjoy the sermon today?"

But, if the church services are normally held in a hotel (a lot of small/new churches rent space until they have a church building) that would be considered the church. I am on the board of a Y, two churches rent space within our facility. That is considered their church "building". I think the OP is ok with doing what the church normally does since all the members understand how it works. I wouldn't say that etiquette should trump a church. That would sit very badly with me. OP also said they wouldn't be over capacity if the members came.

But OP never said that is where she is holding her wedding.

My main issue is the fact that the minister is pushing for this and that the congregation just expects it.  To me, that is not okay.  But then again I am not okay with pushy people period.

MyNameIsNot

The same venue thing is a problem, IMHO. If you were getting married in the hotel space where you normally hold services and doing the reception elsewhere, it could make sense. But when the whole thing is at a different venue, it strikes me as a logistical nightmare.

I don't claim to be a church authority, but at most of the Church events I've been to, coffee and donuts or something of the sort often follows special occasions. If I went to a church service wedding and saw everyone filing into the other room for snacks, I would probably follow without even realizing that this is the part I'm not invited to. I don't see how you can keep people from coming over without a big rude sign or asking people to leave. It's not like you're going to have escort cards for a cake and punch reception. 

I remember a poster a while back who said that the norm in her church was to have punch for everyone in the church hall immediately following the ceremony, and then invited guests would move on to dinner elsewhere. 

flantastic

ILoveBeachMusic said:

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flantastic said:

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:

scribe95 said:

I didn't know most wedding services were open to church members. How is that not a logistical nightmare if the bride/groom invite at capacity and then a bunch of other people are there? 

FWIW, I've been to a lot of weddings in my own faith (Catholic) and the churches used for them are not in danger of hitting a capacity limit.   Only once did friends of mine use a small chapel that was clearly not used frequently.

At my own wedding we had a random old lady in the church the night of our rehearsal.   She may have been there for Adoration or just to be there to pray.    She saw us rehearsing and asked when we were getting married.   When I told her "Tomorrow at 2," she said "OK I'll be there!"   I looked around and thought it was weird but hey, girlfriend likes weddings.

The next day she came through our receiving line and the church coordinator told us she attends ALL the weddings.

I'm thinking if you're in a church where it's small and you may have an issue then you have your ushers put in a diligent effort to crowd the pews and you tell your VIPs to try to get there early.   

But OP said that her congregation doesn't have an actual church, but rather meets in a hotel.  So this leads me to believe that OP is getting married at a venue of her choosing but it needs to be large enough to hold her entire congregation if they all decide to show up for the ceremony.  I could see how this could cause major planning problems.  

To me if you are getting married in your actual church, then okay have the ceremony be open to the entire congregation, makes sense.  But in OPs case, I think it is kind of crappy of the congregation to demand that her ceremony be open when she is not getting married in the church.

I agree with this. If it's at the parish church and parishioners want to swing by, that's one thing, but if it's offsite (and the reception is at the same location), sorry, but no. It's an invite-only event.

OP, just don't have the announcement made... because people are not welcome to attend the ceremony and not the reception. If people ask, you have a legitimate reason: "The venue's capacity wouldn't allow us to open the ceremony to everyone from church. How did you enjoy the sermon today?"

But, if the church services are normally held in a hotel (a lot of small/new churches rent space until they have a church building) that would be considered the church. I am on the board of a Y, two churches rent space within our facility. That is considered their church "building". I think the OP is ok with doing what the church normally does since all the members understand how it works. I wouldn't say that etiquette should trump a church. That would sit very badly with me. OP also said they wouldn't be over capacity if the members came.

I understand that. If the wedding were being held in that hotel space (which it doesn't seem to be), I would say the same argument as the church space might apply. I also think that if the church community understood their tradition didn't entitle them to the reception AND OP wanted them there, that this would be okay.

However, it doesn't sound like OP actually wants them to be there, and she doesn't have to open her ceremony just because it's her community's tradition. Especially because it poses awkward logistical concerns for her non-church guests.