MOTB dress

ILoveBeachMusic

Bleve0821 said:

Not to beat a dead horse, but my mother is currently looking for her dress for my wedding.  She's a larger woman, hates shopping, and is for some reason really cautious of showing off her curves (which I admire to no end).  She's a beautiful woman, and I would love to see her in something that flatters her.  But I would NEVER ask her to wear something she isn't comfortable in, and especially not because of something as silly as a color.

She's been looking at dresses online for months, and has probably sent me close to a hundred different shapes, styles, and colors, looking for my approval.  I give her my honest thoughts (and sometimes I think she's messing with me with some of the dresses she's picked out), but at the end of every discussion, I say to her, "Mom, if you want to wear white, wear white.  If you want to wear a strapless mini, wear a strapless mini.  My only concern is your comfort.  If you're happy with your dress, I'm happy.  It doesn't matter whether it's a dress I would pick out for you.  I'm not going to be wearing it.  If it's what you want, and it makes you feel amazing, that's what's important.  Order it.  Try it on.  If you don't like it, send it back."

My concern is not the style or the shape or the color.  It never has been, and it never will be.  She's found some really beautiful dresses.  Will all work perfectly for her?  No.  But will all of them make her feel beautiful?

Yes. 

And, for me, there's nothing I want more for my wedding day than a happy, comfortable mom.

One day, she won't be there anymore.  And I'd much rather look back at pictures of the happiest day of my life and remember how happy and beautiful she was, too.

Brava! Can I adopt you - more daughters should have this attitude.

CMGragain

My own wedding was very difficult.  Both my mother and my sister were recently divorced.  Nobody wanted to be happy about a wedding.
My mother was a very difficult women, and she loved clothes.  I was shocked at the amount of fancy clothes in her apartment when I went in to clean out after the funeral.  Many still had tags on them.
I was with my complaining mother when she spotted her turquoise chiffon dress on a sale rack.  She loved that dress.  She couldn't wait to wear it.  I instantly decided that my colors were turquoise and coral pink, though that wasn't really necessary.
This is the only time that my mother was happy about my wedding.  I'm glad I have one good memory about her on my wedding day.
(I picked out my own dress by myself.)

drunkenwitch

My SIL didn't give two hoots what my mom wore when she and I my brother got married. Her only comment about the dress was "your mom looks beautiful, that dress looks amazing on her". And it did, my mom is very self conscious and she found a beautiful dress that flattered her, it didn't match any "vision" or "color scheme". It was a lovely dress. I'm  happy she got compliments instead of hissy fits.

Sherbie25

ShesSoCold said:

"give in"

Love Mike! Also, ragret! @LondonLisa @glasgowtolondon

Jen4948

If you push this you will alienate your mom.  IMO this is not a hill to die on.  Let her figure out for herself what to wear.

AddieCake

All guests can wear whatever they want, including the moms. 

dizzylizzy213

You should let your mom wear whatever makes her happy. My color scheme is ivory and champagne and my mother bought a beautiful purple gown.

My mother, FMIL, and FI's stepmom have shared their choices with me and asked for feedback, I could not imagine telling them that a dress that they like does not work for me?

My mom looks wonderful and feels wonderful in her dress and that is what is important to me.  I want my mother to be happy and comfortable on my wedding day!

Knottie1466018219

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

This is an old post, the last comment before yours was 2.5months ago. Please stop bumping old posts, particularly to give bad advice. Just FYI, but you get a say in what the WP wears, no one else. Your loved ones are not props for your pictures. And as for your clippy little retort above, it's never hard to tell who the bride is, so don't be so dramatic about it.

Viczaesar

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

No, she doesn't.  The only people whose clothes you get to control are your bridal party members.  You have no right to dictate or have "final say" on how the parents or anybody else dress.

AddieCake

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

No. 1,000 times no.

But yes to the suggestion that you stop bumping old posts. 

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else. 

Aren't the bride and groom the only key players?  You must live in one of those fancy states that requires a mothers presence to validate a marriage license. 

charlotte989875

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

Yah pretty sure H and I were the only key players, and even still he chose his own attire, not me. 

banana468

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

If this is the attitude you have then you may have your answer regarding why your FMIL is talking shit about you. 

Knottie1466018219

banana468 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

If this is the attitude you have then you may have your answer regarding why your FMIL is talking shit about you. 

Ah!  Thank you!  Very insightful!  Maybe if I tell her she can wear her mini skirt to our wedding, like she requested, then she will be nice to me. Very insightful. Thank you!

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

If this is the attitude you have then you may have your answer regarding why your FMIL is talking shit about you. 

Ah!  Thank you!  Very insightful!  Maybe if I tell her she can wear her mini skirt to our wedding, like she requested, then she will be nice to me. Very insightful. Thank you!

I know you don't get it, but what banana said actually was insightful. 

Knottie1466018219

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

If this is the attitude you have then you may have your answer regarding why your FMIL is talking shit about you. 

Ah!  Thank you!  Very insightful!  Maybe if I tell her she can wear her mini skirt to our wedding, like she requested, then she will be nice to me. Very insightful. Thank you!

I know you don't get it, but what banana said actually was insightful. 

Agreed!

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

climbingwife said:

Uh, yes, you let her wear whatever she wants to wear. 

True, she can wear whatever she wants....when it's NOT at her daughter's wedding.  It's not her wedding.  The bride gets to have final say when it comes to the key players---ESPECIALLY if they will be in the pictures.  But then again, perhaps you just like to be dressed like everyone else.

If this is the attitude you have then you may have your answer regarding why your FMIL is talking shit about you. 

Ah!  Thank you!  Very insightful!  Maybe if I tell her she can wear her mini skirt to our wedding, like she requested, then she will be nice to me. Very insightful. Thank you!

....I know you're being snarky. But yes...you should tell her she can wear a mini skirt or anything else she deems appropriate to your wedding. Because you shouldn't be making decisions about what other people are "allowed" to wear. She doesn't need you to dress her.

And I would imagine that sort of permission-giving hasn't exactly endeared you to her.

ETA: Grammar

Knottie1466018219

Do you think if I let her wear her mini skirt it would change how she treats me?  Or is it a lost cause?

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

Do you think if I let her wear her mini skirt it would change how she treats me?  Or is it a lost cause?

I think a good start would be to stop thinking you have any say over her attire. Stop thinking its up to you to 'let' her. From there I honestly think your FI needs to stand up for you more. So long as he says nothing or condones it she has no reason to think she needs to change her behaviour.

Knottie1466018219

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Do you think if I let her wear her mini skirt it would change how she treats me?  Or is it a lost cause?

I think a good start would be to stop thinking you have any say over her attire. Stop thinking its up to you to 'let' her. From there I honestly think your FI needs to stand up for you more. So long as he says nothing or condones it she has no reason to think she needs to change her behaviour.

Thank you very much for your advice and for being kind in how you relay that to me. I think my FI is scared of her

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

Do you think if I let her wear her mini skirt it would change how she treats me?  Or is it a lost cause?

It's more than just the mini skirt. Your main complaint was that she talks about you behind your back, and this was one of the things you said was a complaint on your other thread: "my personality of being very particular, etc to other friends and family of hers".

This may be an example of what she's talking about. I don't doubt that she's imperfect and maybe there's no hope...but you're not going to be able to change her. You can change things that you might contribute to the relationship.

Knottie1466018219

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

Knottie1466018219

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

I see. What about my beliefs that wearing a mini skirt at a religious event is inappropriate. So does the clergy. 

crowsgirl15

Knottie1466018219 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

I see. What about my beliefs that wearing a mini skirt at a religious event is inappropriate. So does the clergy. 

Then you and the clergy shouldn't wear a mini skirt to a religious event.

If it's a rule of the church and she won't be allowed in, tell her it's a rule, but don't tell her she's "inappropriate", that's not really your business. If she wears it anyway, then I'm sure they'll remove her since it's a church rule.

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

I see. What about my beliefs that wearing a mini skirt at a religious event is inappropriate. So does the clergy. 

She is an adult, it's up to her to dress appropriately for the occasion and venue. If she does not that is not your issue. Stop pursing your lips in disapproval for another adult.

JediElizabeth

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

I see. What about my beliefs that wearing a mini skirt at a religious event is inappropriate. So does the clergy. 

She is an adult, it's up to her to dress appropriately for the occasion and venue. If she does not that is not your issue. Stop pursing your lips in disapproval for another adult.

I'm sorry, but I almost choked on my coffee laughing when I read this. Isn't this a thing we do here all the time? The snarky board is pretty much set up for it, no? (And I am certainly just as guilty as anyone else).

Seriously, though, TK is the place to anonymously purse your lips and judge, and IRL is the place to be gracious and school your reactions because it really is none of your business and it really shouldn't affect you. (And really, a mini-skirt in church/temple is nothing to concern yourself over vs. ceremonies where all the guests don't get chairs, or print-and-send thank you cards.)

Knottie1466018219

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

I see. What about my beliefs that wearing a mini skirt at a religious event is inappropriate. So does the clergy. 

She is an adult, it's up to her to dress appropriately for the occasion and venue. If she does not that is not your issue. Stop pursing your lips in disapproval for another adult.

With all due respect, are you pursing your lips at me? It kinda feels like it. I'm not trying to be rude. I just want to be clear that that's how it feels. 

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1466018219 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Knottie1466018219 said:

Thank you. Appreciate the honesty. I feel scared that I'm sacrificing my own beliefs and intuition/instincts for her. Makes me depressed. 

Altering how you approach or communicate to someone isn't sacrificing your own beliefs. And your own beliefs shouldn't extend to HER behavior/dress/values.

I see. What about my beliefs that wearing a mini skirt at a religious event is inappropriate. So does the clergy. 

She is an adult, it's up to her to dress appropriately for the occasion and venue. If she does not that is not your issue. Stop pursing your lips in disapproval for another adult.

With all due respect, are you pursing your lips at me? It kinda feels like it. I'm not trying to be rude. I just want to be clear that that's how it feels. 

Ha, you've got me. Yes I am. In my defense, at least I'm also trying to help you.