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Bad bridesmaid that's family. Help!!

edited April 2016 in Wedding Party
So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.

Re: Bad bridesmaid that's family. Help!!

  • So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.
    JIC

    [Deleted User]madamerwinPrettyGirlLost
  • If you want to continue a relationship with her do not ask her to leave the bridal party, that will irrevocably change your relationship. 

    As @glasgowtolondon said bridesmaids don't need to do anything besides show up in the right attire at the right time, sober and take pictures. Nothing else. 

    If there are other issues (you mention family drama) deal with them calmly and directly with her. as for the dress, did you privately ask her for her budget before selecting a dress, and choose one in that budget?
    [Deleted User]
  • So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.
    Ok, I've bolded what I think are the key factors here.

    It sounds to me like this is less about doing things for your wedding (where I agree with PPs) and more about things that are not wedding related. I think it would help us help you if you went into that more, but that ship may be sailed.

    Story time: The day after I got engaged, I asked my twin sister to be my MOH. We have an on again/off again close/not speaking type of relationship, for many reasons which I won't go into here. So, obviously, this was doomed from the start. I stopped talking to her this winter when a fight escalated to her saying pretty disgusting non-wedding related stuff to me (I've outlined the start of the fight here, but won't go into the straws that broke the camel's back, because it's still kinda painful to think about). I'm talking to her again, 4 months later, because she's my sister and has apologized, and I love her no matter how much I dislike her sometimes. She's no longer in the WP, but that has to do with the fact that she doesn't want to be after everything that happened; she has a space waiting next to my Matron of Honor (asked at the same time, for that title) if she wants it.

    What I'm saying is: We dealt with conflict (albeit not in the most healthy way) within 4 months, without dragging the wedding or wedding party into it. When we were not speaking, she was implicitly off the WP & guest list - but we didn't have a relationship at that point anyway, and I didn't tell her that to drag into the fight. When we made up, I silently put her back on, but still didn't tell her I had made the change because that's drama that only a drama llama needs. The fight wasn't about the WP; why make it about that?

    You have 6 months. I think you should take care of the non-wedding related issues now, in as assertive and healthy a manner as possible. I can't tell you without knowing the issue, but once that's taken care of, I'm pretty sure the question of the wedding party (and maybe even the money she owes you) will be a non-issue.
    OliveOilsMomSP29Greenjinjo MesmrEwe
  • So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.
    "Everything that needs to be done" is show up on time, in her dress.

    As for everything else, asking someone to be your maid of honor over a year and half before your wedding was probably a bad move. Relationships change.

    You lent her money almost 6 months ago for your wedding that's still 6 months away. Just out of curiosity, why did she NEED to buy her dress a year in advance?
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostaurianna
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto PPs. She isn't required to do shit for your wedding except show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire. I feel so bad for your other BM too. You feel stressed? You need help with the wedding? There's this person called your FI. hes the only other person besides you who is expected to plan, pay, and decorate for the wedding. Pre-wedding parties are a bonus, not an entitlement. 


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    Greenjinjo [Deleted User]
  • MesmrEwe said:
    For the future - Repeat after me - "We never lend money to people unless we have the expectation that we will never see it again!  That way, when they pay us back (monetary or assistance with a project of monetary value)- we're glad!  And, that way when the deadbeat never gives us a penny of our money back we aren't an overall jerk about it because we accepted before lending it the possibility that we'd never see it again and make a note in the back of our mind that we never lend them money ever again!"... 
    This! I never lend people money or things unless I'm prepared to not get it back.

    You should have picked a dress in her budget so honestly it's probably in your best interest to just forget about what she owes you. If she pays you back it'll be a pleasant surprise. 

    As for kicking her out PPs are right there isn't a good way so just see how things go over the next 6 months and if she takes herself out fine, if not well then you haven't damaged the relationship so that's good.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MesmrEwe
  • I'm another one asking what is she suppose to be doing as a BM to help plan your wedding. The reason I ask is the only thing my BM did was come to rehersal & dinner, show up to church on time & ready to go in the dress I let them pick out & do photos & be available to be part of introductions at reception. Yes they choose to throw me a bridal shower & a bachelorette party, but that was their choice, I didn't ask them to. I did everything else with my now husband when it came to planning. If you can't handle doing it all yourself, either hire a wedding planner or scale down your wedding.

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