Bad bridesmaid that's family. Help!!

Knottie01198684

So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.

drunkenwitch

Knottie01198684 said:

So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.

JIC

glasgowtolondon

Knottie01198684 said:

So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.

Can you tell us exactly what you think a bridesmaid needs to do other than get the dress, show up on time, be in a few photos? The answer is nothing. She isn't responsible for planning your wedding, she is not obliged to throw you a shower or a batchelorette party, and she certainly doesn't have to be available to listen to wedding talk all the time. Thats what your FI is for, and anyone else who graciously offers their time. Leave your wedding out of it, it sounds like your relationship has enough problems without you adding made up ones in to the mix.

As for asking her to step down, the reason you can't think of a way to tell her that doesn't damage your relationship or make you sound a bitch is because there isn't one. What you are suggesting is potentially relationship ending, and I can assure you that you won't sound like a bitch, you will actually be one if you do this.

Pick your next move carefully if you want to continue to have a relationship with this woman.

charlotte989875

If you want to continue a relationship with her do not ask her to leave the bridal party, that will irrevocably change your relationship. 

As @glasgowtolondon said bridesmaids don't need to do anything besides show up in the right attire at the right time, sober and take pictures. Nothing else. 

If there are other issues (you mention family drama) deal with them calmly and directly with her. as for the dress, did you privately ask her for her budget before selecting a dress, and choose one in that budget?

missfrodo

You say you still love her, so it sounds like you aren't ready to completely end your relationship with her (especially since she's family, which can make cutting people out of your life more difficult).  If you want to maintain any relationship with her at all in your future, here is what I'd do:
1. Stop talking about the wedding with her.  She's just not that interested.  She has her dress, so all she has to do is show up on the right day at the right time.  Let her know the time, date, and place, and leave it at that.  
2. If she reaches out to you to talk (whether it's about the wedding or something else), be the bigger person and get over whatever altercation you guys had.  Unless she continues to act violently toward you, there's no need to hold one fight over her head, IMO.  
3. Ignore anyone who spreads gossip about her: "MOH told me you were a huge bitch bc..." Shut it down.  Say you don't want to hear it.  Listening to what they say she said will only add fuel to the fire.
4.  Do not tell her to step down, or even ask her if she wants to step down (some brides will ask their BMs if they're "feeling overwhelmed by their duties" or similar, but the truth is their only duty is to show up the day of the wedding, in the agreed upon attire that is within their budget).  It all comes off the same way, with you being the bad guy and you being responsible for ending the relationship.
5. Your wedding isn't for six months.  Relax, have some wine with FI, and enjoy being engaged.

downtondiva

1. Bridesmaids are not obligated to help you plan your wedding. It's nice that one of them has done so much for you, but it's not required of any of them. So let that go. 

2. It's unfortunate that you guys got into such a nasty fight, but if this was the first time it happened, I'd say try not to let it ruin your entire relationship with her forever. If people always ended relationships over one fight, we'd all be alone. 

3. It was nice of you to loan her the money for her dress, but it would've been better to pick a dress you knew she could afford on her own. You may just have to accept that you're not going to see the rest of that money ever again if you want to save this relationship. 

4. Do not get involved in anyone else's issues with this woman, no matter how mad you are at her right now. Focus on what has happened between you and her and try to fix it.

5. And finally, do not kick her out of your wedding party. Fights happen, and they usually don't mean a friendship should automatically end. You have plenty of time before your wedding for all of this to blow over and to make peace, and that's what you should try to do if you still love this person and don't want to lose her. If you kick her out, you will lose that opportunity and probably won't get it back. Is that really what you want?

AddieCake

She needs to be kicked out and placed in charge of the bounce house. 

JediElizabeth

Knottie01198684 said:

So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.

Ok, I've bolded what I think are the key factors here.

It sounds to me like this is less about doing things for your wedding (where I agree with PPs) and more about things that are not wedding related. I think it would help us help you if you went into that more, but that ship may be sailed.

Story time: The day after I got engaged, I asked my twin sister to be my MOH. We have an on again/off again close/not speaking type of relationship, for many reasons which I won't go into here. So, obviously, this was doomed from the start. I stopped talking to her this winter when a fight escalated to her saying pretty disgusting non-wedding related stuff to me (I've outlined the start of the fight here, but won't go into the straws that broke the camel's back, because it's still kinda painful to think about). I'm talking to her again, 4 months later, because she's my sister and has apologized, and I love her no matter how much I dislike her sometimes. She's no longer in the WP, but that has to do with the fact that she doesn't want to be after everything that happened; she has a space waiting next to my Matron of Honor (asked at the same time, for that title) if she wants it.

What I'm saying is: We dealt with conflict (albeit not in the most healthy way) within 4 months, without dragging the wedding or wedding party into it. When we were not speaking, she was implicitly off the WP & guest list - but we didn't have a relationship at that point anyway, and I didn't tell her that to drag into the fight. When we made up, I silently put her back on, but still didn't tell her I had made the change because that's drama that only a drama llama needs. The fight wasn't about the WP; why make it about that?

You have 6 months. I think you should take care of the non-wedding related issues now, in as assertive and healthy a manner as possible. I can't tell you without knowing the issue, but once that's taken care of, I'm pretty sure the question of the wedding party (and maybe even the money she owes you) will be a non-issue.

MesmrEwe

For the future - Repeat after me - "We never lend money to people unless we have the expectation that we will never see it again!  That way, when they pay us back (monetary or assistance with a project of monetary value)- we're glad!  And, that way when the deadbeat never gives us a penny of our money back we aren't an overall jerk about it because we accepted before lending it the possibility that we'd never see it again and make a note in the back of our mind that we never lend them money ever again!"... 

drglitter

Knottie01198684 said:

So I asked a family member who I have been very close to all my life to be my maid of honor over a year ago. Everything has been fine except the past 4 months. First I lent her money to buy her dress under the agreement that she was to pay me back within the month. It's been almost 6 and she has given me about half. She has barely done anything for the wedding its self. A few ideas here and here but that's it. Another bridsesmaid has taken on everything that needs to be done. Since day 1. Then the last time I saw her a month and a half ago we got into a fight that she caused that was almost physical, my fiancé had to step in along with other family members and told her to leave because she was wrong. (It was nothing wedding related.) Since then I know she has talked about me behind my back, We haven't spoken since. We are no longer close anymore. There is other small family issues going on with her of why we are not getting along, other family members who are also in the bridal party are tired of her. My Fiancé can't stand her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want to tell her to step down, I just don't know the best way to put it with out losing her as family or sounding like a bitch. I still love her but i know its best for our relationship if she is just no longer in the wedding. Wedding is 6 months away.

"Everything that needs to be done" is show up on time, in her dress.

As for everything else, asking someone to be your maid of honor over a year and half before your wedding was probably a bad move. Relationships change.

You lent her money almost 6 months ago for your wedding that's still 6 months away. Just out of curiosity, why did she NEED to buy her dress a year in advance?

levioosa

Ditto PPs. She isn't required to do shit for your wedding except show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire. I feel so bad for your other BM too. You feel stressed? You need help with the wedding? There's this person called your FI. hes the only other person besides you who is expected to plan, pay, and decorate for the wedding. Pre-wedding parties are a bonus, not an entitlement. 

lembaslover

MesmrEwe said:

For the future - Repeat after me - "We never lend money to people unless we have the expectation that we will never see it again!  That way, when they pay us back (monetary or assistance with a project of monetary value)- we're glad!  And, that way when the deadbeat never gives us a penny of our money back we aren't an overall jerk about it because we accepted before lending it the possibility that we'd never see it again and make a note in the back of our mind that we never lend them money ever again!"... 

This! I never lend people money or things unless I'm prepared to not get it back.

You should have picked a dress in her budget so honestly it's probably in your best interest to just forget about what she owes you. If she pays you back it'll be a pleasant surprise. 

As for kicking her out PPs are right there isn't a good way so just see how things go over the next 6 months and if she takes herself out fine, if not well then you haven't damaged the relationship so that's good.

[Deleted User]

I'm another one asking what is she suppose to be doing as a BM to help plan your wedding. The reason I ask is the only thing my BM did was come to rehersal & dinner, show up to church on time & ready to go in the dress I let them pick out & do photos & be available to be part of introductions at reception. Yes they choose to throw me a bridal shower & a bachelorette party, but that was their choice, I didn't ask them to. I did everything else with my now husband when it came to planning. If you can't handle doing it all yourself, either hire a wedding planner or scale down your wedding.