NOT MY THUNDER!

dyerwise

Sorry, I just have to vent about this...

I have a cousin who just got engaged last month and is now rushing to get married in September. She is 22 years old and has always been really close with my little Sister, who is also 22, and asked her to be her maid of honor. My cousin has always been a bit of a brat and nothing has changed with this wedding planning.

She originally started telling family members that she planned to get married in October... the same day as my wedding. My Mom and her Mom (they are sisters) had to convince her that since we booked our venue in early 2015 and had already sent the save the dates, she needed to pick another date or risk family not going to her wedding. I guess she really felt slighted at this and told my sister that she didn't understand why I got to have the date. She also told my sister that she picked September so that she can get married before me. Oh man! she really got me! I guess there goes my thunder! WHY EVEN HAVE A WEDDING AT THIS POINT.

She has 6 bridesmaids and told them that they need to buy a $200 dress for the wedding and wants all the BM's to buy new cowboy boots. All 6 of these girls are 19-23 and have part time jobs while they are in school and two are single Moms. $200 isn't any of these girls budgets, but cousin never asked. My sister told her, you know, one of the girls might not be able to afford the dress and my cousin said, "I don't care, I have replacements ready!".

Cousin is demanding that my sister "be a good maid of honor" and give a speech, throw her bridal shower, and bachelorette party. My sister is terrified of public speaking and is dreading her speech.

I'm so sad for my sister because this is causing her so much stress; she has called me upset and says she just wants to drop out. I know that this is one of those times I have to let my sister handle this herself, but I have always been so protective of her so it is really difficult.

My sister also told me they are having their wedding in a friends barn. Not a barn that is used for weddings or events, but just an old barn that is currently used as a large tool shed/work space.

SP29

Oh man.... You must keep us posted on this "development".

Why did you get the October date? HAHAHA! Because you booked it first! Duh. I think the best thing you can do is to be super sweet and supportive to her- it'll only annoy her more, "I am so glad to hear you booked your wedding for September, that way we can get yours over with so everyone can focus on mine". (Of course I'd never say that, but I would think it in response to her comment).

As for your sister, I think you can support her and coach her through these issues, but ultimately she has to be the one to stand up for herself. "Sorry cousin, my budget for a dress is X. Sorry cousin, I can only afford to host Y people at my home for a shower. Sorry cousin, I cannot also afford to host a bachelorette". If cousin kicks her out, she only looks bad- your sister doesn't have to step down.

charlotte989875

Seriously, picking the same day as you, even after you sent the save the dates, and getting exasperated when she was told to change it? Your cousin is a special kind of spechul snowflake.

I agree with @SP29, this is a case where sure she does need to be the one to stand up for herself, but I think you can help her along there with language, encouragement, whatever.

What does she plan to do with the tools and equipment on her wedding day?

dyerwise

I keep telling my sister that she needs to just say no when she can't do something. I'm hoping this will be the thing that helps her learn to stand up for herself.

My sister says that cousin wants to stack hay bales to cover some of the "ugly parts". Also, there is not enough for everyone to sit in the barn, so there might be overflow seating outside of the barn. 

A part of me really hopes I am invited, however, I doubt I will be.

madamerwin

Your cousin sounds special!

Definitely offer your sister advice and coaching as needed - and if she can't afford to be in the wedding, maybe the cousin will see the light! Or, you know, she will just replace her, since wedding employees party members are completely disposable.

indigo26

Put me in the group of hoping you're invited. Maybe she'll invite you to show you how much more awesome her wedding will be over yours, cause that's what you get for hogging the date she originally wanted. Who knows, maybe you can redeem yourself by being the primary hay bale stacker!

geebee908

Is this also in a part of the country where September can be sweltering or freezing? Sounds like a fun time

kimmiinthemitten

You should recommend she check out Wedding Bee because that's the site with the best advice;). Sounds like she's fit right in!

thefanciestbeckler

Ok this is both hilarious and so sad all at once. Hilarious (obviously) because of all of the feelings of entitlement and speshul snowflake that your cousin is showing and sad because I really feel bad for your sister and all of the other BMs. It's just not right to treat your "so-called" friends the way she is treating them.

The good news is, she has replacements ready just in case her BP realizes how poorly she is treating all of them. Because that's what matters.

kmmssg

Your sister needs to run now. If they are having this in a friend's barn can you IMAGINE the work that will need to be done to pull this off. I wonder who bridezilla will expect to do all that work? She needs to dodge this bullet.

banana468

I hope your sister develops a backbone here.

But if this is a cousin, can other family talk sense into the cousin?    Is she wanting to get married because she gets a wedding or because of the lifetime commitment?   

If this was in my family the "elders" would be speaking up to say, "Your guests aren't sitting on hay bales".

vikinganna87

banana468 said:

I hope your sister develops a backbone here.

But if this is a cousin, can other family talk sense into the cousin?    Is she wanting to get married because she gets a wedding or because of the lifetime commitment?   

If this was in my family the "elders" would be speaking up to say, "Your guests aren't sitting on hay bales".

This.  Cousin's behavior screams immaturity and insecurity.  If this is the way she's handling her wedding I'd be worried about how she'd be handling her marriage.

thisismynickname2

I don't think "brat" accurately described your cousin. 

And this is how it starts. These poor BMs are going to think this is "normal" and continue the rude and tacky cycle unless someone (or multiple people) steer them towards the light!!

JaxInBlue

banana468 said:

I hope your sister develops a backbone here.

But if this is a cousin, can other family talk sense into the cousin?    Is she wanting to get married because she gets a wedding or because of the lifetime commitment?   

If this was in my family the "elders" would be speaking up to say, "Your guests aren't sitting on hay bales".

Yup.  All of this.  My family would be all in for two weddings, close together if that's what had to happen, right up until the point came where one person lost their darn mind.  Weddings aren't competitions.  Heck, my step sister got married six weeks before DH and I did; everyone was cool with it, right up until my sister and I didn't get invited because we were "too busy with my wedding" (in step-sis's words).

ahoywedding

HO-LY smokes. Please, please let us know how this works out!

I feel terrible for your sister and the BMs. Hopefully someone can reason with the bride and let her see how awful she is treating her best friends.

bleve0821

I don't understand why people feel like weddings are competitions.  I GOT MARRIED FIRST SO I'M A WINNER AND YOU'RE JUST NOT.  That mentality makes zero sense.  

As for the barn...

badbnagdway

kmmssg said:

Your sister needs to run now. If they are having this in a friend's barn can you IMAGINE the work that will need to be done to pull this off. I wonder who bridezilla will expect to do all that work? She needs to dodge this bullet.

Yes, this. I am still rejoicing in the fact that I was not a BM for a bridezilla friend of mine who got married last year. One of our mutual friends was in the wedding and she was a brideslave ALL weekend. Friend said it was "the most stressful weekend I've ever experienced." 

If she can find a reason to run, she should. 

dyerwise

banana468 said:

I hope your sister develops a backbone here.

But if this is a cousin, can other family talk sense into the cousin?    Is she wanting to get married because she gets a wedding or because of the lifetime commitment?   

If this was in my family the "elders" would be speaking up to say, "Your guests aren't sitting on hay bales".

Oh, it is most certainly just because she wants a wedding.


 As for the elders in our family. Sadly, at 27, I'm the most responsible and mature member of this side of the family and cousin hates me because 2 years ago I told her that her boyfriend (now FI) asking her to help him inject steroids was super not ok and told my Aunt about it. My Mom tries to stay out of everything because she is a recovering alcoholic and family drama has caused relapses before. My Cousins parents are getting a divorce and barely talks to cousin since her FI stole money from my Aunt.

My Cousin has said she will not be inviting her Mom and has asked my Mom to step in and be "Mother of the Bride". My Mom told her she needs to rethink a lot of her decisions and that she would love to be a guest on her special day she isn't her Mother. My cousin has never even been close with my Mom so it was super weird.

I really want to start secretly shipping wedding etiquette books to her house, but I don't think she would get the hint.

I've heard from my sister that Cousins FI's grandparents are paying for the wedding completely. My sister said they are super traditional and that cousin and FI have lied and said they do not live together as that was a condition of them paying for the wedding. I really want to know how that is going to go.

MesmrEwe

This sounds like a thread that has the potential to "keep on giving" as the process moves along similar to that other one. 

"Back home" they have an annual "Breakfast on the Farm"...  Often in the Machine Shed is where the food is served - the amount of work to get everything ready is INSANE!  And that's with a crew of 100+ volunteers!!!  Also, September at least here can be sweltering or it can be darn near freezing!  A farm wedding on a sweltering day, or bug season in September when the crops start to be harvested has NIGHTMARE written all over it!!!  Also, Hay bails aren't exactly cheap unless they're already there (chair rental is cheaper).  Most farms have moved on to large square bails instead of the old smaller/easier to move ones...

Yes, you need to encourage your sister to "fight her own battles" with the BM together and ONLY do that which she and the others can afford.  A Shower DOES NOT need to break the bank to be nice and cousin doesn't get a say.  One of the nicest showers I ever attended was with five of us in the breakfast room of a local hotel (the room was free with a room rental which was $50) with a bucket of icecream, nothing fancy, but it was fun because we made it so!  As for the boots - Walmart often has cowboy boots reasonably, sometimes DSW has some too (it's not like she's specifying a brand/style/color) to cut some of the cost... 

And yes, it sounds like the cousin is planning the wedding, not the marriage...

banana468

dyerwise said:

banana468 said:

I hope your sister develops a backbone here.

But if this is a cousin, can other family talk sense into the cousin?    Is she wanting to get married because she gets a wedding or because of the lifetime commitment?   

If this was in my family the "elders" would be speaking up to say, "Your guests aren't sitting on hay bales".

Oh, it is most certainly just because she wants a wedding.


 As for the elders in our family. Sadly, at 27, I'm the most responsible and mature member of this side of the family and cousin hates me because 2 years ago I told her that her boyfriend (now FI) asking her to help him inject steroids was super not ok and told my Aunt about it. My Mom tries to stay out of everything because she is a recovering alcoholic and family drama has caused relapses before. My Cousins parents are getting a divorce and barely talks to cousin since her FI stole money from my Aunt.

My Cousin has said she will not be inviting her Mom and has asked my Mom to step in and be "Mother of the Bride". My Mom told her she needs to rethink a lot of her decisions and that she would love to be a guest on her special day she isn't her Mother. My cousin has never even been close with my Mom so it was super weird.

I really want to start secretly shipping wedding etiquette books to her house, but I don't think she would get the hint.

I've heard from my sister that Cousins FI's grandparents are paying for the wedding completely. My sister said they are super traditional and that cousin and FI have lied and said they do not live together as that was a condition of them paying for the wedding. I really want to know how that is going to go.

Well, at least it's in a barn.   That seems like a logical place for a shit show.

I hope that your sister develops a backbone.   This sounds like it has the potential to end badly and your sister will be out a lot of money on a glorified costume. 

ei34

Yikes.  Your cousin sounds really speshul
Ditto @sp29 's responses to your cousin, although it's easier said than done.  When I was in my early-20s, I was a brideslave a couple times because I was afraid to speak up, whereas as now I'd laugh if some of the things I once went along with were requested of me.  Your sister may need you a lot to lean on and vent to.
Not to be snarky, but the run-down barn with not enough seats almost guarantees that your wedding one month later will be much preferred by all of your family members

madamerwin

dyerwise said:

I really want to start secretly shipping wedding etiquette books to her house, but I don't think she would get the hint.

I've heard from my sister that Cousins FI's grandparents are paying for the wedding completely. My sister said they are super traditional and that cousin and FI have lied and said they do not live together as that was a condition of them paying for the wedding. I really want to know how that is going to go.

I totally think you should anonymously send etiquette books to her house, with pages that she most definitely needs to read bookmarked.

I also think you should send an anonymous note to her FI's grandparents telling them they live together. Maybe if they withhold the funds, your cousin will have to rethink her shit show. But I am kind of a bitch, so I would find ratting them out to be really satisfying.

dyerwise

Update: My sister called to tell me that cousin told her that it is fine that the dresses are outside of everyone's budget because the store they are buying their dresses from offers a payment plan. She figures that $200 over 19 weeks is just a little over $10 a week and that is ok.

dyerwise

madamerwin said:

dyerwise said:

I really want to start secretly shipping wedding etiquette books to her house, but I don't think she would get the hint.

I've heard from my sister that Cousins FI's grandparents are paying for the wedding completely. My sister said they are super traditional and that cousin and FI have lied and said they do not live together as that was a condition of them paying for the wedding. I really want to know how that is going to go.

I totally think you should anonymously send etiquette books to her house, with pages that she most definitely needs to read bookmarked.

I also think you should send an anonymous note to her FI's grandparents telling them they live together. Maybe if they withhold the funds, your cousin will have to rethink her shit show. But I am kind of a bitch, so I would find ratting them out to be really satisfying.

I love this idea so much. I've always been a huge tattle tale. I can't help it.

banana468

dyerwise said:

Update: My sister called to tell me that cousin told her that it is fine that the dresses are outside of everyone's budget because the store they are buying their dresses from offers a payment plan. She figures that $200 over 19 weeks is just a little over $10 a week and that is ok.

Did your sister say "It's great that they do but that doesn't change my budget.   If you'd like me to buy that dress then I'll need you to jump on the payment plan train."

Maybe you can call the grandparents and see if you should ship their engagement gift to them or to the house where their living?   Let the cat out of the bag in a casual way. 

dyerwise

banana468 said:

dyerwise said:

Update: My sister called to tell me that cousin told her that it is fine that the dresses are outside of everyone's budget because the store they are buying their dresses from offers a payment plan. She figures that $200 over 19 weeks is just a little over $10 a week and that is ok.

Did your sister say "It's great that they do but that doesn't change my budget.   If you'd like me to buy that dress then I'll need you to jump on the payment plan train."

Maybe you can call the grandparents and see if you should ship their engagement gift to them or to the house where their living?   Let the cat out of the bag in a casual way. 

My sister did say that she said "That is great, however, it doesn't make the dress any more affordable...." and my cousin just gave her a blank stare. I know this took probably all of my sisters courage to say, so it is a step in the right direction.

drunkenwitch

I'm practically giddy over this story.  Can't wait for updates.

OurWildKingdom

dyerwise said:

Update: My sister called to tell me that cousin told her that it is fine that the dresses are outside of everyone's budget because the store they are buying their dresses from offers a payment plan. She figures that $200 over 19 weeks is just a little over $10 a week and that is ok. 

SITB


Doesn't change the fact that the bridesmaids are still out $200 (at least; I'm sure there are layaway fees, extra sales tax, etc.). Is it at least a dress they can wear again?

tigerlily6

Wow. Your cuz sounds like a peach. 

 . . . and by peach, I mean insane person. 

Good luck to your little sister -- I agree with PPs that it would probably be best to jump ship early and get off this crazy train. 

madamerwin

drunkenwitch said:

I'm practically giddy over this story.  Can't wait for updates.

I am enjoying this, too. I really want the grandparents to find out they are living together. I want your sister to speak up about cousin's ass-hattery. I REALLY want you to be invited so you can report back after the trainwreck.

MesmrEwe

dyerwise said:

Update: My sister called to tell me that cousin told her that it is fine that the dresses are outside of everyone's budget because the store they are buying their dresses from offers a payment plan. She figures that $200 over 19 weeks is just a little over $10 a week and that is ok.

Apparently the bride doesn't understand interest rates, policies, etc. (many bridal shops won't place the order until AFTER the dresses are paid for in full)...  Everything is cheap if you break it down by the week, that doesn't mean someone can "afford it"...