Wedding Party

What would you do??

Last summer I excitedly accepted the honor of being a bridesmaid in my brothers upcoming wedding. We have always been really close and I couldn't wait to celebrate this big event with him. But, I find myself feeling more and more distant as the event is almost here.

Originally myself, husband and two oldest kids were asked to be part of the WP. I had always thought we would all be celebrating with him as an entire family and quickly had to rethink the plan when we were told adults only. My brother and bride decided on an adult only reception and wanted my son (7) and daughter (6) to only attend the ceremony, in the role of flower girl and ring bearer. Originally they weren't invited to attend dinner but were later extended that invitation. I appreciated him making that compromise, yet, we would have still been traveling across the country as a family of 7 and missing the end of the school year to attend as planned.  We would be paying for the kids to travel, their wedding attire and have them miss the end of the school . It didn't make sense, to me, to spend large amounts of money to get everyone there just to shuffle kids to babysitters. 

Feathers were ruffled but we worked it out. My heart hurts to celebrate one of the most important people in my life without my family but I want him to have whatever he envisions as the perfect day for the two of them. My husband will stay home with the four kids (who in their right kind would want to watch someone else's 4 kids on a holiday weekend!?) while I travel to the wedding with our 5th child who is 4 months. 

I live 2200 miles away. The best man (our brother) and myself are the two members of the WP that live far away. I'm not close to the bride but have offered to do anything I can to help. I have not received one text, call or  message about anything to do with the wedding. Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. I only knew the weekend due to the bride being tagged in a FB post. I don't think it's being done to be hurtful but it still stings a bit. Even if I can't attend due to the 2200 miles between us I would have been happy to contribute. 

Two weeks ago I was informed that my nursing 4 month old would not be welcome at the ceremony or reception. The ceremony really threw me for a loop since originally we were all invited to that.  I know they were worried about children getting into stuff, being scene stealers and what not, I realize now it was stupid of me to assume an infant didn't fall under the same rules as kids. They are providing childcare, which is kind. I'm just struggling leaving a 4 month old with high school strangers off site. Unfortunately, my little guy refuses a bottle so I'll be driving back and forth all day to nurse him. Again, I'm willing to make all the accommodations to give him his perfect day. 

I will smile and be fabulous on his wedding day because I love him. I'm trying not to be petty but I feel this ever widening rift in our friendship. Is it appropriate for me to discuss this with him after the wedding and things settle down? I've tried to be considerate of his feelings and his point of view as his friend, but as his big sister I want to tell him to shove it. 


Re: What would you do??

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I totally agree with @downtondiva! He is being very inconsiderate of you and your family not to mention breaking the etiquette rule of not splitting families. 
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You feeding your son is scene stealing? Implying that like its some sexual thing coming from your own brother is disgusting (and is making me feel gross the more I think about it).

  • I would decline at this point. You have tried to compromise the best that you can and your brother and FSIL have made things extremely difficult for you and your family. 

    I would decline without an explanation UNLESS he specifically asks. Only then I would list all the ways that you and your family were willing to bend over backwards to accommodate him and his bride. After that, I would let the chips fall where they may. It sounds as though your brother may need a bit of a wake-up call to how selfish he is being. 
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    What @downtondiva said, exactly, on the baby-front.

    However, on the not being invited to WP events, your FSIL is actually acting fine assuming you're not a bridesmaid, but are actually a groomswoman, as @AtomicBlonde has stated. My FI and I usually follow "blood handles blood" rule, or whatever, so it's not exactly unusual for you to get all wedding communication from your brother. Have you considered that perhaps your brother is not aware that you'd like to be included in more wedding activities? Perhaps you've got a bit of a faulty/biased messenger problem?

    k thnx bye

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If and when my sibling plans things that don't jive with me, I definitely tell her to shove it. She wanted an overseas wedding when I was young and poor and I flat-out told her the costs were obnoxious. Thank goodness she changed her mind on that for a variety of reasons. 

    I agree with everyone above that you are not being unreasonable, but the couple is. I like the wording about respectfully declining because your needs are not accommodated. Let him figure out what's more important- a vision or his sister. 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    You need to do what is best for you and your family.  Which sounds like not attending the wedding.  You may want to do anything for your brother, but your brother is not being very accommodating to you.  It is their prerogative to have a child free wedding, but they are going about this very wrong.  They also need to realize there are consequences to having child free weddings.  I personally think that nieces and nephews should be the exception to the rule for weddings.  But that is my personal feelings and people having a 100% child free wedding, are not wrong in anyway - as long as they go about the process correctly.  Your brother & FSIL have not.

    I also agree with everyone one else that you need to tell your brother now or forever hold your peace.  Telling him after the wedding is pointless.

    I also wouldn't expect you to be so involved in the planning of the shower or b-party.  Two reasons, one is that you aren't that close with the bride and two is because you ARE so far away.  You were probably included as a BM out of obligation, sorry to say.

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am the big sister, with a nursing baby, and if my brother were pulling these shenanigans, I would a) have said something long ago about how unreasonable these demands are, but understand how you tried to be accommodating, and b) would now say that you are not comfortable/it is a giant hassle to leave the baby, and you won't be doing it, so if the baby's absence is paramount, you're sorry you won't be able to be there. That's how child-free weddings often work.

    FWIW, we had a child-free wedding with the exception of nieces and nephews, and honestly except for a few of my younger cousins (and we didn't invite any of my cousins at all) no one else who was invited had young kids. We definitely wanted our nieces and nephews to be there, for one, but there is no way I was going to expect my wonderful BILs and SILs to be in the wedding party and leave their small children behind.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Echoing PPs....Big ol NOPE. I wouldn't go. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
  • "Hello, brother, dear.  I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby.  Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
    Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother.  Now let him carry the football.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would decline at this point. Your brother is obviously not that interested in making this workable for you. Quite frankly, if you flew a 4 month old across the country to leave him/her with a teenaged baby-sitter that you barely even know, I would question your judgment as a mother. If the baby can't come, you can't make it. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2016
    Double Post
  • levioosa said:
    Brother is being a dick.  And men can be zillas too.  "Coming from the bride to be." What a bunch of sexist bullshit.  There was nothing to suggest the bride was dictating anything. 
    Yup. H cared more about having a child-free wedding than I did. 
  • Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. It is greatly appreciated! I feel better knowing that I'm not just crazy for thinking he is being really inconsiderate.  The wedding is only about 2 weeks away so I'll just suck it up and let it all go. My tickets are booked and the dress purchased. I think not going now would severely damage our relationship. I shouldn't have assumed that nursing babies would be an exception and he should have made sure that was clear before now. I'm working on a plan for the care of the baby. I will miss a good chunk of the afternoon and evening driving back and forth to nurse, but at this point it will probably be a well needed break.

    As far as I know I'm a bridesmaid. The term groomswoman has never been said. I've been referred to as a bridesmaid. I never thought I would be an obligitory member of his WP but that's exactly how I feel too. 

    I'm sure that both my brother and FSIL came up with the overall plan together, with FSIL at the helm.

    Thanks again for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.
  • OP - I'm really sorry that you are in this situation.

    It is 100% fine to have an adults only reception, but with that comes consequences. Sometimes consequences equal changes to the original plans to accommodate those that you ultimately want at your wedding. Other times, it is being okay (bride and groom) and those you want to join you, may not be able to.

    Hopefully things go well.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Decline the invitation.

    For them to expect you to travel long distance when you have a nursing baby who isn't invited, not to mention your other kids, because they're afraid of "scene stealing" clearly indicates that your needs aren't being taken into consideration.
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