What would you do??

Knottie1462257109 · May 2016

Last summer I excitedly accepted the honor of being a bridesmaid in my brothers upcoming wedding. We have always been really close and I couldn't wait to celebrate this big event with him. But, I find myself feeling more and more distant as the event is almost here.

Originally myself, husband and two oldest kids were asked to be part of the WP. I had always thought we would all be celebrating with him as an entire family and quickly had to rethink the plan when we were told adults only. My brother and bride decided on an adult only reception and wanted my son (7) and daughter (6) to only attend the ceremony, in the role of flower girl and ring bearer. Originally they weren't invited to attend dinner but were later extended that invitation. I appreciated him making that compromise, yet, we would have still been traveling across the country as a family of 7 and missing the end of the school year to attend as planned. We would be paying for the kids to travel, their wedding attire and have them miss the end of the school . It didn't make sense, to me, to spend large amounts of money to get everyone there just to shuffle kids to babysitters.

Feathers were ruffled but we worked it out. My heart hurts to celebrate one of the most important people in my life without my family but I want him to have whatever he envisions as the perfect day for the two of them. My husband will stay home with the four kids (who in their right kind would want to watch someone else's 4 kids on a holiday weekend!?) while I travel to the wedding with our 5th child who is 4 months.

I live 2200 miles away. The best man (our brother) and myself are the two members of the WP that live far away. I'm not close to the bride but have offered to do anything I can to help. I have not received one text, call or message about anything to do with the wedding. Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. I only knew the weekend due to the bride being tagged in a FB post. I don't think it's being done to be hurtful but it still stings a bit. Even if I can't attend due to the 2200 miles between us I would have been happy to contribute.

Two weeks ago I was informed that my nursing 4 month old would not be welcome at the ceremony or reception. The ceremony really threw me for a loop since originally we were all invited to that. I know they were worried about children getting into stuff, being scene stealers and what not, I realize now it was stupid of me to assume an infant didn't fall under the same rules as kids. They are providing childcare, which is kind. I'm just struggling leaving a 4 month old with high school strangers off site. Unfortunately, my little guy refuses a bottle so I'll be driving back and forth all day to nurse him. Again, I'm willing to make all the accommodations to give him his perfect day.

I will smile and be fabulous on his wedding day because I love him. I'm trying not to be petty but I feel this ever widening rift in our friendship. Is it appropriate for me to discuss this with him after the wedding and things settle down? I've tried to be considerate of his feelings and his point of view as his friend, but as his big sister I want to tell him to shove it.

downtondiva · May 2016

I think you should tell him to shove it BEFORE the wedding, and I don't care if he is your brother. He's well within his rights to have an adult-only wedding, but it's not right to invite kids only to the ceremony or to split up families (i.e. invite some kids from the same immediate family but not others). So I think he was already being pretty inconsiderate, especially in light of the fact that you have to travel so far.

But to not allow you to bring your nursing baby when you are in the wedding party and are traveling over 2000 to be there for his wedding is outrageous. I'm taking it from what you said about driving back and forth that the childcare they're offering isn't even on site, which just makes matters worse.

I'm probably a bit more of a hothead than you are, but if I were in your shoes, I'd tell my brother that either I bring the baby to the wedding or I'm not coming. I know that seems harsh, but I think he is being really unfair to you.

ILoveBeachMusic · May 2016

I totally agree with @downtondiva! He is being very inconsiderate of you and your family not to mention breaking the etiquette rule of not splitting families.

lnixon8 · May 2016

You feeding your son is scene stealing? Implying that like its some sexual thing coming from your own brother is disgusting (and is making me feel gross the more I think about it).

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

Knottie1462257109 said:

Last summer I excitedly accepted the honor of being a bridesmaid in my brothers upcoming wedding. We have always been really close and I couldn't wait to celebrate this big event with him. But, I find myself feeling more and more distant as the event is almost here.

Originally myself, husband and two oldest kids were asked to be part of the WP. I had always thought we would all be celebrating with him as an entire family and quickly had to rethink the plan when we were told adults only. My brother and bride decided on an adult only reception and wanted my son (7) and daughter (6) to only attend the ceremony, in the role of flower girl and ring bearer. Originally they weren't invited to attend dinner but were later extended that invitation. I appreciated him making that compromise, yet, we would have still been traveling across the country as a family of 7 and missing the end of the school year to attend as planned. We would be paying for the kids to travel, their wedding attire and have them miss the end of the school . It didn't make sense, to me, to spend large amounts of money to get everyone there just to shuffle kids to babysitters.

Feathers were ruffled but we worked it out. My heart hurts to celebrate one of the most important people in my life without my family but I want him to have whatever he envisions as the perfect day for the two of them. My husband will stay home with the four kids (who in their right kind would want to watch someone else's 4 kids on a holiday weekend!?) while I travel to the wedding with our 5th child who is 4 months.

I live 2200 miles away. The best man (our brother) and myself are the two members of the WP that live far away. I'm not close to the bride but have offered to do anything I can to help. I have not received one text, call or message about anything to do with the wedding. Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. I only knew the weekend due to the bride being tagged in a FB post. I don't think it's being done to be hurtful but it still stings a bit. Even if I can't attend due to the 2200 miles between us I would have been happy to contribute.

Two weeks ago I was informed that my nursing 4 month old would not be welcome at the ceremony or reception. The ceremony really threw me for a loop since originally we were all invited to that. I know they were worried about children getting into stuff, being scene stealers and what not, I realize now it was stupid of me to assume an infant didn't fall under the same rules as kids. They are providing childcare, which is kind. I'm just struggling leaving a 4 month old with high school strangers off site. Unfortunately, my little guy refuses a bottle so I'll be driving back and forth all day to nurse him. Again, I'm willing to make all the accommodations to give him his perfect day.

I will smile and be fabulous on his wedding day because I love him. I'm trying not to be petty but I feel this ever widening rift in our friendship. Is it appropriate for me to discuss this with him after the wedding and things settle down? I've tried to be considerate of his feelings and his point of view as his friend, but as his big sister I want to tell him to shove it.

Your brother and his wife to be can absolutely have whatever kind of day they wish, but they don't get to demand that everyone be happy and accommodating to a fault. You have a nursing baby, I don't blame you for not being thrilled to leave him with a high school kid that you don't even know. I agree with pp, why wait to tell him to shove it? Waiting till after the wedding to say anything doesn't seem like a good use of anyone's time. Either do it beforehand or dont do it at all. There is no point in accepting his terms and then complaining after the fact.

missfrodo · May 2016

downtondiva said:

I think you should tell him to shove it BEFORE the wedding, and I don't care if he is your brother. He's well within his rights to have an adult-only wedding, but it's not right to invite kids only to the ceremony or to split up families (i.e. invite some kids from the same immediate family but not others). So I think he was already being pretty inconsiderate, especially in light of the fact that you have to travel so far.

But to not allow you to bring your nursing baby when you are in the wedding party and are traveling over 2000 to be there for his wedding is outrageous. I'm taking it from what you said about driving back and forth that the childcare they're offering isn't even on site, which just makes matters worse.

I'm probably a bit more of a hothead than you are, but if I were in your shoes, I'd tell my brother that either I bring the baby to the wedding or I'm not coming. I know that seems harsh, but I think he is being really unfair to you.

-------SIB-------

Everything downtondiva said. If you take a look at the posts on bridesmaids and inviting children/nursing infants to weddings, you'll see the consensus is that anyone has a right to have an adults-only wedding, but they must face the consequence that parents may decline--especially a nursing parent! If it's so important to your brother that you be there to see him get married, he should be willing to compromise his "no kids" rule enough to allow you to be with your 4 month old. If he refuses to let him attend, I would tell him that you won't be able to make it.
"Brother, I'm sorry I will no longer be able to attend your wedding. Because LittleGuy is nursing, I cannot leave him unattended and I am uncomfortable leaving him in a stranger's care. I will be thinking of you on your wedding day, and I wish you and Bride the best."
He is being totally inconsiderate, and as his big sister you have every right to stand up to him. Yes, it's his wedding and it's a big day for him, but it's only one day. It's no excuse to be rude to you or any of his guests.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

I also vote to tell him to shove it. Now. If my sister acted that way I was tell her just how difficult she was making it to be in her wedding and let her decide if the wedding vision was more important than family.

Heffalump · May 2016

Knottie1462257109 said:

I will smile and be fabulous on his wedding day because I love him. I'm trying not to be petty but I feel this ever widening rift in our friendship. Is it appropriate for me to discuss this with him after the wedding and things settle down? I've tried to be considerate of his feelings and his point of view as his friend, but as his big sister I want to tell him to shove it.

Just because you love him doesn't mean you need to bend over backwards to accommodate him. You said you have kids, so I'm sure you know this from a parenting context: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you need to say "This is not okay." So tell him.

However, I agree with PP in that if you decide not to talk to him about it, then you need to hold your peace forever after. Bringing it up after the fact, when he can't actually do anything about it, is pointless.

bleve0821 · May 2016

Honestly, if this were my younger brother, I wouldn't even hesitate to tell him where to stick it... and then I'd call his FW and tell her to shove it, too. If you're a BRIDESmaid, you should be included in all the communications the bride has with her other maids, including all dress demands requests and pre-wedding mandatory voluntary functions. If you're a GROOMSwoman, on the other hand, it's a different story.

I'm angry and frustrated on your behalf, and if I were you, at this point, I would tell your brother that, honored as I was to be a part of his WP, I would have to decline as I could not make these kinds of concessions at the expense of my family. With five kids, one of them still nursing, and having to travel from so far away, these are really big demands for your bother and his FW to be placing on you. Your brother and his FW are family, true, but at this point, neither of them are respectful of your own family, so tell him that now, or forever hold your peace.

Yeah, it would really hurt to not be there, but these are truly unreasonable demands. I find it really mind-blowing that your brother's wedding is more important to him and his FW than his own sister, notwithstanding his nieces, nephews, and BIL. Not to mention the way he and FSIL are treating you by placing these demands on you in the first place, and with the bride not even communicating with you about her expectations.

To repeat the advice I received here a few months ago, "Don't be a doormat."

ETF Words. TGIF.

TrixieJess · May 2016

I would decline at this point. You have tried to compromise the best that you can and your brother and FSIL have made things extremely difficult for you and your family.

I would decline without an explanation UNLESS he specifically asks. Only then I would list all the ways that you and your family were willing to bend over backwards to accommodate him and his bride. After that, I would let the chips fall where they may. It sounds as though your brother may need a bit of a wake-up call to how selfish he is being.

climbingsingle · May 2016

I would call my brother up and say, "I'm either bringing my baby to both the ceremony and reception, or I will not be attending. It's your choice."

What a fuckhead. Seriously.

banana468 · May 2016

Some things that upset you aren't really your brother's fault. He gets to plan his wedding and if that happens to coincide with schooling then it's unfortunate but that alone isn't enough to make me grumpy.

But asking kids to be IN the wedding and not at the reception isn't ok. And he's more than allowed to have a no baby reception but I'd be up front: you are more than happy to oblige his request but you are not going to agree to leave the baby with people you personally haven't vetted and won't be attending.

He's allowed to make that choice but he needs to accept that it has a consequence.

If I had to choose between leaving my 4 mo nursing child to attend a wedding or not go I'd choose not go. The logistical nightmare of where to pump is enough of a pain in the ass.

But if your brother and his FI don't have kids and a lot of their peers dont, they may just not get it. I'd try to explain your side before you tell him to sit and spin.

Tyvm · May 2016

What @downtondiva said, exactly, on the baby-front.

However, on the not being invited to WP events, your FSIL is actually acting fine assuming you're not a bridesmaid, but are actually a groomswoman, as @AtomicBlonde has stated. My FI and I usually follow "blood handles blood" rule, or whatever, so it's not exactly unusual for you to get all wedding communication from your brother. Have you considered that perhaps your brother is not aware that you'd like to be included in more wedding activities? Perhaps you've got a bit of a faulty/biased messenger problem?

thisismynickname2 · May 2016

If and when my sibling plans things that don't jive with me, I definitely tell her to shove it. She wanted an overseas wedding when I was young and poor and I flat-out told her the costs were obnoxious. Thank goodness she changed her mind on that for a variety of reasons.

I agree with everyone above that you are not being unreasonable, but the couple is. I like the wording about respectfully declining because your needs are not accommodated. Let him figure out what's more important- a vision or his sister.

OliveOilsMom · May 2016

You need to do what is best for you and your family. Which sounds like not attending the wedding. You may want to do anything for your brother, but your brother is not being very accommodating to you. It is their prerogative to have a child free wedding, but they are going about this very wrong. They also need to realize there are consequences to having child free weddings. I personally think that nieces and nephews should be the exception to the rule for weddings. But that is my personal feelings and people having a 100% child free wedding, are not wrong in anyway - as long as they go about the process correctly. Your brother & FSIL have not.

I also agree with everyone one else that you need to tell your brother now or forever hold your peace. Telling him after the wedding is pointless.

I also wouldn't expect you to be so involved in the planning of the shower or b-party. Two reasons, one is that you aren't that close with the bride and two is because you ARE so far away. You were probably included as a BM out of obligation, sorry to say.

flantastic · May 2016

I am the big sister, with a nursing baby, and if my brother were pulling these shenanigans, I would a) have said something long ago about how unreasonable these demands are, but understand how you tried to be accommodating, and b) would now say that you are not comfortable/it is a giant hassle to leave the baby, and you won't be doing it, so if the baby's absence is paramount, you're sorry you won't be able to be there. That's how child-free weddings often work.

FWIW, we had a child-free wedding with the exception of nieces and nephews, and honestly except for a few of my younger cousins (and we didn't invite any of my cousins at all) no one else who was invited had young kids. We definitely wanted our nieces and nephews to be there, for one, but there is no way I was going to expect my wonderful BILs and SILs to be in the wedding party and leave their small children behind.

AddieCake · May 2016

Echoing PPs....Big ol NOPE. I wouldn't go.

CMGragain · May 2016

"Hello, brother, dear. I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby. Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother. Now let him carry the football.

MyNameIsNot · May 2016

I would decline at this point. Your brother is obviously not that interested in making this workable for you. Quite frankly, if you flew a 4 month old across the country to leave him/her with a teenaged baby-sitter that you barely even know, I would question your judgment as a mother. If the baby can't come, you can't make it.

MyNameIsNot · May 2016

CMGragain said:

"Hello, brother, dear. I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby. Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother. Now let him carry the football.

Where do you get this? Just pure sexism?

There's nothing in the post that suggests that the brother isn't an equal partner.

MyNameIsNot · May 2016

Double Post

levioosa · May 2016

Brother is being a dick. And men can be zillas too. "Coming from the bride to be." What a bunch of sexist bullshit. There was nothing to suggest the bride was dictating anything.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

levioosa said:

Brother is being a dick. And men can be zillas too. "Coming from the bride to be." What a bunch of sexist bullshit. There was nothing to suggest the bride was dictating anything.

Yup. H cared more about having a child-free wedding than I did.

Knottie1462257109 · May 2016

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. It is greatly appreciated! I feel better knowing that I'm not just crazy for thinking he is being really inconsiderate. The wedding is only about 2 weeks away so I'll just suck it up and let it all go. My tickets are booked and the dress purchased. I think not going now would severely damage our relationship. I shouldn't have assumed that nursing babies would be an exception and he should have made sure that was clear before now. I'm working on a plan for the care of the baby. I will miss a good chunk of the afternoon and evening driving back and forth to nurse, but at this point it will probably be a well needed break.

As far as I know I'm a bridesmaid. The term groomswoman has never been said. I've been referred to as a bridesmaid. I never thought I would be an obligitory member of his WP but that's exactly how I feel too.

I'm sure that both my brother and FSIL came up with the overall plan together, with FSIL at the helm.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

ernursej · May 2016

OP - I'm really sorry that you are in this situation.

It is 100% fine to have an adults only reception, but with that comes consequences. Sometimes consequences equal changes to the original plans to accommodate those that you ultimately want at your wedding. Other times, it is being okay (bride and groom) and those you want to join you, may not be able to.

Hopefully things go well.

tigerlily6 · May 2016

OP, are your parents around and aware of any of this? I know you and your brother are full grown adults and it's really between you two (or three, as FSIL sounds like she should be involved as your are her bridesmaid, presumably). But as an older sister myself, I think if one of my brothers ever treated me this way when I had a young nursing infant, he'd have more than just an annoyed big sister to deal with. Pretty sure our mom and dad would rip him a new one and tell him to at least let me bring the baby. Pissing off your older sister is one thing, and maybe he doesn't care about that. But he may be getting side-eyed badly by your family in general over this.

Jen4948 · May 2016

Decline the invitation.

For them to expect you to travel long distance when you have a nursing baby who isn't invited, not to mention your other kids, because they're afraid of "scene stealing" clearly indicates that your needs aren't being taken into consideration.

Sherbie25 · May 2016

Why are you so concerned with damaging the relationship? He has already done that with his behaviour. I'm sorry, but he has no respect for you if he is treating you this way. Don't let him do this to you.

geebee908 · May 2016

Knottie1462257109 said:

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. It is greatly appreciated! I feel better knowing that I'm not just crazy for thinking he is being really inconsiderate. The wedding is only about 2 weeks away so I'll just suck it up and let it all go. My tickets are booked and the dress purchased. I think not going now would severely damage our relationship. I shouldn't have assumed that nursing babies would be an exception and he should have made sure that was clear before now. I'm working on a plan for the care of the baby. I will miss a good chunk of the afternoon and evening driving back and forth to nurse, but at this point it will probably be a well needed break.

As far as I know I'm a bridesmaid. The term groomswoman has never been said. I've been referred to as a bridesmaid. I never thought I would be an obligitory member of his WP but that's exactly how I feel too.

I'm sure that both my brother and FSIL came up with the overall plan together, with FSIL at the helm.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

Is there any way you could transfer these tickets for another visit to that area? Because if it were me, there is no way I'd be traveling back and forth to the events so my baby could be fed; I would stay home because my baby's health and well-being would trump my brother's wedding day.

It makes no sense for you to try to do the back and forth thing because you'll, in essence, not be there for anything before the wedding and during the reception anyway. Once you get back to the reception from a feeding trip, you'll be turning around to head back out to do it again. It's just not worth the little bit of time that you'll be at the festivities.

Brother and FSIL should feel the consequences of their choices. If you not being at his wedding would severely damage your relationship with him because it's so important to him for you to be there, then they should also be willing to make an exception for your nursing child. They can't have you without your child.

flantastic · May 2016

geebee908 said:

Knottie1462257109 said:

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. It is greatly appreciated! I feel better knowing that I'm not just crazy for thinking he is being really inconsiderate. The wedding is only about 2 weeks away so I'll just suck it up and let it all go. My tickets are booked and the dress purchased. I think not going now would severely damage our relationship. I shouldn't have assumed that nursing babies would be an exception and he should have made sure that was clear before now. I'm working on a plan for the care of the baby. I will miss a good chunk of the afternoon and evening driving back and forth to nurse, but at this point it will probably be a well needed break.

As far as I know I'm a bridesmaid. The term groomswoman has never been said. I've been referred to as a bridesmaid. I never thought I would be an obligitory member of his WP but that's exactly how I feel too.

I'm sure that both my brother and FSIL came up with the overall plan together, with FSIL at the helm.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

Is there any way you could transfer these tickets for another visit to that area? Because if it were me, there is no way I'd be traveling back and forth to the events so my baby could be fed; I would stay home because my baby's health and well-being would trump my brother's wedding day.

It makes no sense for you to try to do the back and forth thing because you'll, in essence, not be there for anything before the wedding and during the reception anyway. Once you get back to the reception from a feeding trip, you'll be turning around to head back out to do it again. It's just not worth the little bit of time that you'll be at the festivities.

Brother and FSIL should feel the consequences of their choices. If you not being at his wedding would severely damage your relationship with him because it's so important to him for you to be there, then they should also be willing to make an exception for your nursing child. They can't have you without your child.

"Brother, I love you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I really want to be there for your marriage to Bride. However, I am first and foremost a mother, and I feel it would be excessive and possibly irresponsible for me to use the childcare you've provided. I'm sorry there was a previous miscommunication about whether the baby would be welcome, but I just can't come if he's not. If you're willing to make an exception for him, then we'll both see you in two weeks - if not, then we'll have to celebrate you another time."

If he objects to that, you know he's really a jackass.

Also agree with PP that you're not the one going to be damaging the relationship - brother has already done that. It's just not readily apparent on the surface of things right now.

MairePoppy · May 2016

tigerlily6 said:

OP, are your parents around and aware of any of this? I know you and your brother are full grown adults and it's really between you two (or three, as FSIL sounds like she should be involved as your are her bridesmaid, presumably). But as an older sister myself, I think if one of my brothers ever treated me this way when I had a young nursing infant, he'd have more than just an annoyed big sister to deal with. Pretty sure our mom and dad would rip him a new one and tell him to at least let me bring the baby. Pissing off your older sister is one thing, and maybe he doesn't care about that. But he may be getting side-eyed badly by your family in general over this.

Oooh, that's sneaky. Usually I wouldn't condone getting parents involved in dispute between adult siblings, but damn, your brother is acting like an inconsiderate ass. I'd tell him it's not possible to attend the wedding without your breast feeding baby. Then I'd call mom and dad to tell them you'll bring the baby to visit another time. I'm sure they'll let brother know how disappointed they are.

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