Wedding Etiquette Forum

Does this make my wedding a PPD?

13

Re: Does this make my wedding a PPD?

  • SP29SP29 member
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    I think as long as you are very honest about what and when, you do have a unique situation here.
    OurWildKingdom
  • A dispensation would need to come from the bishop of the diocese and the parish priest would facilitate that process.
    holyguacamole79lizybeffMesmrEwe
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm conflicted, but to be honest if your faith is important to you then you should be willing to stand up for it. You could marry at another parish or the cathedral, if your parish is the issue. If people are more important than your faith, than that's fine too. It just doesn't sit well with me that you are willing to get married and then have a fake ceremony. I'd either have a Catholic ceremony and accept that some people may not attend bc they don't respect my church, and be fine with it, tell them you'd love to see them as the reception still. Or pass on the Catholic thing, bc being faithful means standing up for your faith. 

    As I have said, I get it, I chose not to marry in the church. I never had a crisis of faith, but a huge issue with doctrine - the man made rules and the way I was treated as a woman. It was a hard choice. I couldn't go half way on my faith, and I feel like that's what you are doing.

    I also think it's gross IF your parish is the issue and your priest is willing to do this back door ceremony, rather than dealing with the issues in his parish. A PPD is not only a guest issue, but it also disrespects your faith.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    adwksPrettyGirlLost
  • CMGragain said:
    That was not my intention.  I am very much in sympathy with victims of abuse.  I have dealt with it in my own family.  (Mom married a Catholic, remember?)
    I just think that blaming the entire Catholic Church is misplacing anger and hurt.
    Right now Pope Francis is encouraging change regarding marriage restrictions.   My own church, the United Methodist Church, is currently having its General Conference and debating major changes in our practices, too.  I personally think as long as a faith is open to change, it is a living faith that is relevant to our time.
    My heart goes out to all victims of abuse, within church or not.
    Not really.   Many of those changes are being proposed by other bishops.   I've been meaning to read his latest document, but my understanding is that noting has changed. 
    Most established churches are very slow to change.  It will take time.

    My own United Methodist Church is on the verge of splitting over gay marriage in the church.  Instead, they have postponed the battle and have formed a committee to study and recommend revisions in our Book of Discipline (similar to Canon Law).  I am disappointed, but I have hopes for the future.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    FWIW, my uncle is vocal about how he feels about the Catholic church (and it's not good).  He didn't say anything about the fact that we had a Catholic wedding.   He came, was in the pictures, and danced the night away.

    Are these relatives issuing an ultimatum?  Or are you just concerned?
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited May 2016
    I'm conflicted, but to be honest if your faith is important to you then you should be willing to stand up for it. You could marry at another parish or the cathedral, if your parish is the issue. If people are more important than your faith, than that's fine too. It just doesn't sit well with me that you are willing to get married and then have a fake ceremony. I'd either have a Catholic ceremony and accept that some people may not attend bc they don't respect my church, and be fine with it, tell them you'd love to see them as the reception still. Or pass on the Catholic thing, bc being faithful means standing up for your faith. 

    As I have said, I get it, I chose not to marry in the church. I never had a crisis of faith, but a huge issue with doctrine - the man made rules and the way I was treated as a woman. It was a hard choice. I couldn't go half way on my faith, and I feel like that's what you are doing.

    I also think it's gross IF your parish is the issue and your priest is willing to do this back door ceremony, rather than dealing with the issues in his parish. A PPD is not only a guest issue, but it also disrespects your faith

    SITB

    I think the priest is wanting to do it this way as the easy solution, rather than take this case to the bishop for a dispensation. However, that's the route he should take for everyone's sake.
  • I don't think this situation is unique at all. There's even a provision in the Catholic Church to deal with it- you can seek a dispensation to have your wedding outside of a Church. Doesn't sound like you'll get one from your parish but I don't think that means a PPD is ok and I'm surprised so many people are suddenly ok with it. Decisions have consequences- you want to be a member in good standing of a church that requires a church wedding, you need to do that. You want your family to come? You need to make that choice. Same as any other couple whose family disagrees with their religious beliefs. 
    Granted I'm both PPD-lite and non religious but I disagree. This isn't about guests holding the entire religion hostage over child abuse, it's people not wanting to be in the same building where the actual crime was committed and covered up.  I can't say that if I was guest I wouldn't feel the same way.   Add to to that that her Priest has ways to help her accommodate both her faith and her family but chooses not to.

    [email protected], as am ex UMCer I'm extremely disappointed in the GC and this highlights part of why I left religion all together. People ruin it.  Here in Michigan, the DAC was advocating for gay rights in 1998 and it's literally 18 years later and they need to talk about it more?  Please. 
    I mean, personally I think the guests have a point and I'd be going non-religious ceremony here, but I don't think that justifies a PPD. You want to be a member in good standing of a church with abuse issues and a priest who chooses not to help? There are consequences to that. 


    [on a side note the positive I took from the UMCGC was that during their discussion period they will be avoiding trials and discipline for sexuality breaches of the book of discipline, which is huge since one of the proposals was automatic suspension for a year for a violation. Which would have meant all the 150 odd clergy who came out being kicked out of their homes and jobs and losing their pay. But at this point I'm sick of listening to African bishops telling me how to be Christian and ready for a split.]
    kimmiinthemittenLadyCatherineDB
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
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    I don't think this situation is unique at all. There's even a provision in the Catholic Church to deal with it- you can seek a dispensation to have your wedding outside of a Church. Doesn't sound like you'll get one from your parish but I don't think that means a PPD is ok and I'm surprised so many people are suddenly ok with it. Decisions have consequences- you want to be a member in good standing of a church that requires a church wedding, you need to do that. You want your family to come? You need to make that choice. Same as any other couple whose family disagrees with their religious beliefs. 
    Granted I'm both PPD-lite and non religious but I disagree. This isn't about guests holding the entire religion hostage over child abuse, it's people not wanting to be in the same building where the actual crime was committed and covered up.  I can't say that if I was guest I wouldn't feel the same way.   Add to to that that her Priest has ways to help her accommodate both her faith and her family but chooses not to.

    [email protected], as am ex UMCer I'm extremely disappointed in the GC and this highlights part of why I left religion all together. People ruin it.  Here in Michigan, the DAC was advocating for gay rights in 1998 and it's literally 18 years later and they need to talk about it more?  Please. 
    I mean, personally I think the guests have a point and I'd be going non-religious ceremony here, but I don't think that justifies a PPD. You want to be a member in good standing of a church with abuse issues and a priest who chooses not to help? There are consequences to that. 


    [on a side note the positive I took from the UMCGC was that during their discussion period they will be avoiding trials and discipline for sexuality breaches of the book of discipline, which is huge since one of the proposals was automatic suspension for a year for a violation. Which would have meant all the 150 odd clergy who came out being kicked out of their homes and jobs and losing their pay. But at this point I'm sick of listening to African bishops telling me how to be Christian and ready for a split.]
    OP said they would moving soon and not be members of this particular parish anymore. They wouldn't not be in good standing (sorry about the double negative) with only this church if they don't get married in the Catholic church, but all Catholic churches. I know the abuse issues aren't limited to this particular church, but not all Catholic churches are guilty (I hope). 
  • Hi  - Not meaning to hair-flip here.  Just been busy doing weekend stuff, then busy with at work.  I wasn't expecting much of a response to my thread when I originally posted.  Honestly, I was looking for responses to say that this is a PPD;  mostly so I could point out to my FI that our situation was not an exception, and, I wasn't the only one thinking that the two ceremony thing was not right.  But I have really appreciated the comments and just caught up on them all.

    At this point it's clear that we need to go back to the drawing board to figure out what we want to do, and we might have to delay planning until we figure out what is best for us.  We just don't know what that is right now.  
    CMGragainSP29JediElizabeth
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Technically, your proposed situation is a PPD.  Maybe I missed something somewhere, but have these relatives explicitly told you that they will not attend if it's in a Catholic church?
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That royally blows.  Hang in there and stick around!
    OurWildKingdom
  • I don't think this situation is unique at all. There's even a provision in the Catholic Church to deal with it- you can seek a dispensation to have your wedding outside of a Church. Doesn't sound like you'll get one from your parish but I don't think that means a PPD is ok and I'm surprised so many people are suddenly ok with it. Decisions have consequences- you want to be a member in good standing of a church that requires a church wedding, you need to do that. You want your family to come? You need to make that choice. Same as any other couple whose family disagrees with their religious beliefs. 
    Granted I'm both PPD-lite and non religious but I disagree. This isn't about guests holding the entire religion hostage over child abuse, it's people not wanting to be in the same building where the actual crime was committed and covered up.  I can't say that if I was guest I wouldn't feel the same way.   Add to to that that her Priest has ways to help her accommodate both her faith and her family but chooses not to.

    [email protected], as am ex UMCer I'm extremely disappointed in the GC and this highlights part of why I left religion all together. People ruin it.  Here in Michigan, the DAC was advocating for gay rights in 1998 and it's literally 18 years later and they need to talk about it more?  Please. 
    I mean, personally I think the guests have a point and I'd be going non-religious ceremony here, but I don't think that justifies a PPD. You want to be a member in good standing of a church with abuse issues and a priest who chooses not to help? There are consequences to that. 


    [on a side note the positive I took from the UMCGC was that during their discussion period they will be avoiding trials and discipline for sexuality breaches of the book of discipline, which is huge since one of the proposals was automatic suspension for a year for a violation. Which would have meant all the 150 odd clergy who came out being kicked out of their homes and jobs and losing their pay. But at this point I'm sick of listening to African bishops telling me how to be Christian and ready for a split.]
    OP said they would moving soon and not be members of this particular parish anymore. They wouldn't not be in good standing (sorry about the double negative) with only this church if they don't get married in the Catholic church, but all Catholic churches. I know the abuse issues aren't limited to this particular church, but not all Catholic churches are guilty (I hope). 
    Yep, this is true.  We have lived in current area for a couple years and will be here for another 1-2 depending on when FI's group's grant money runs out.  The other church that isn't too far from us was also listed in the grand jury report. We had been attending mass on the college campus where FI works, but when it came time to talk marriage they directed us back to a parish.

  • CMGragain said:
    Technically, your proposed situation is a PPD.  Maybe I missed something somewhere, but have these relatives explicitly told you that they will not attend if it's in a Catholic church?
    Right, the proposed situation in my OP.  Which we won't do, you all confirmed what I had been thinking.  

    To answer your question: Yes, we did have relatives say they would not attend if it was in a catholic church.  And hold that against us for awhile.   

    Frankly, we aren't thrilled with our parish for a number of reasons, and honestly at this point I can't get it up to be super pumped about being married there, yes I know my thinking is extremely entitled, and I need a day to feel a little sad about that before I can move on.  But, we want to remain in good standing because it is important to us, and we really would prefer to get married in the next year, so we're thinking about nixing the idea of having a big wedding and having a small ceremony in current parish with just a few witnesses (with dinner after). I feel a little sad about not having a big wedding where we invite everyone, but that's life, and I'm sure it will turn out to be very nice.  In the end we get to be married which is a very happy thing. 
    You can invite your guests to both the ceremony and the reception.  They can choose to attend the reception only, and I would verbally tell the people who are upset that this is fine with you.

    You could also have a party to celebrate your marriage at a later date.  No wedding dress or wedding stuff, but it would be a big party for everybody to wish you well in your marriage.
    Thank you for the suggestions.  Right now we are thinking about just having the small ceremony with 2-4 witnesses.  After we might spend some time traveling around visiting family and friends since no one lives that close to our current location.  I'm not planning to buy a wedding dress for this anymore, just chose something appropriate that I already own.  We'll forego flowers and cake, no photographer. So no worries there on the PPD front.
  • After rereading all of the comments, I get the message now, we're clearly terrible people and got what was coming to us - so, we're not going to be celebrating our marriage in any way and figure it's something and just needs to get done.
  • debbeaudebbeau member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't see where anyone said you were terrible people. You knew it was a hot topic coming in here. People gave honest advice.
    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • She mentioned needing some time to kind of grieve not having the wedding she wanted. Maybe she flounced because she was upset that she's not getting the wedding she dreamed of?
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    OurWildKingdom
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    Whoa. I did not see this coming
    OurWildKingdomspockforprezSP29MesmrEwe
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Whoa. I did not see this coming
    Neither did I! I thought everyone was pretty understanding after the situation was explained. And I thought I had thin skin!!
  • I honestly can't even figure out what just happened...
    SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • kvrunskvruns member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    She mentioned needing some time to kind of grieve not having the wedding she wanted. Maybe she flounced because she was upset that she's not getting the wedding she dreamed of?

    that was my thought too, that she is stepping away to clear her mind of the situation but then got upset thinking about it and the best way is to blame internet strangers and have a dramatic ending.
    OurWildKingdom
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