Wedding Party

Including Other Close Friends

So my fiance has a group of guy friends that he has been close with since high school and before. He automatically knew who he wanted to have as his best man and three of his groomsmen.

The problem is that he has three other friends that he wants to include in some way or another. Two of the friends we figured out easily what roles would suit them (one will play guitar for our ceremony and the other will be our MC along with the DJ). However the third friend doesn't seem to fit anywhere...

I am okay with him being a groomsman and having uneven sides, but my fiance is not sure if they are *that* close. Plus this friend is unemployed and discussing possibly leaving the province for work in the next year or so, so we are afraid of him flaking out. He is a very quiet guy so having him doing a speech/ reading won't work, and we aren't religious so there will be no prayers or blessings for him to read. Other groomsmen are assuming he's included somehow (which we need to nip in the bud) and talking to him about the wedding, so we want to ask him to do something before he makes any assumptions himself...

I am 100% against asking him to be a guestbook attendant or something ridiculous where he pretty much has to work at our wedding, but we're having a hard time thinking of another role!! One role that I've seen in my searches is ring warmers, does anyone have any experiences with this? Like an adult ring bearer almost!

We don't feel obligated to include him per se, my fiance just wants to at least ask him to do something and then if he is not comfortable based on potentially leaving the province or affordability he can absolutely decline with no hard feelings from us...

Sorry for the super long post... Anyway, any suggestions would be appreciated!!
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Re: Including Other Close Friends

  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    So, most on this board will be leery of assigning a normally juvenile role to an adult (i.e., the ring bearer)...and ushers aren't a thing...and if he can't be a reader (there are secular readings, poems, court rulings, etc. that make nice non-religious moments that don't have to be super lengthy)...who's escorting the grandmothers down the aisle to their seats? That's a possibility.

    Why can't he be a groomsman? What does it matter if he flakes out? If you ask him, and he declines due to budget/moving, that's fine too!


    k thnx bye

    OurWildKingdomernursejpoodledoodleooo
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, PPs are right. Being the MC is a JOB. You're essentially making your friend work during the reception. That's pretty damn rude. You've turned your friend into a vendor. How much MC-ing will he be doing? When does he get to eat? 

    Knottie1452098987
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Same with playing ceremony music. That's a paid job, not an honor. If the guy volunteered, you can feel free to take him up on the offer, but please don't ask. 
    ________________________________


    OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensKnottie1452098987
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Silly, made up titles and roles like "ring warmer" don't honor the people you are asking to fill them, just as being asked to work a wedding for free doesn't.

    As PPs have noted, weddings aren't grade schools where every single person needs a "role." If he can't be a groomsman (which I don't see why) or a reader, then just have him as a guest.  That's an important honor by itself.
    InLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    OP - Why do you think its ok to not give this last guy a "crappy" job like being a guest book attendant, but perfectly fine with the other two guys playing MC and guitar during the ceremony?  They are all jobs that should be covered by a person you hire or a basket.  They are all on the same level. 

    If your FI really wants these 3 guys included, they should all be GM.  Or they can all attend as guests.  I had 5 BM to my H's 3 GM.  Everything worked out fine, all the people WE wanted to honor were standing up in our WP and not performing or working the event.

    ei34Knottie1452098987
  • I don't think you need a person to be a ring warmer. My sister had a ring warming at her wedding. Basically the rings were on a dish and passed around for people to pray over them, etc prior to the ceremony. I think this only worked because there were about 25 people there.

  • bohobrideCAbohobrideCA San Diego, CA member
    100 Love Its Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    So my fiance has a group of guy friends that he has been close with since high school and before. He automatically knew who he wanted to have as his best man and three of his groomsmen.

    The problem is that he has three other friends that he wants to include in some way or another. Two of the friends we figured out easily what roles would suit them (one will play guitar for our ceremony and the other will be our MC along with the DJ). However the third friend doesn't seem to fit anywhere...

    I am okay with him being a groomsman and having uneven sides, but my fiance is not sure if they are *that* close. Plus this friend is unemployed and discussing possibly leaving the province for work in the next year or so, so we are afraid of him flaking out. He is a very quiet guy so having him doing a speech/ reading won't work, and we aren't religious so there will be no prayers or blessings for him to read. Other groomsmen are assuming he's included somehow (which we need to nip in the bud) and talking to him about the wedding, so we want to ask him to do something before he makes any assumptions himself...

    I am 100% against asking him to be a guestbook attendant or something ridiculous where he pretty much has to work at our wedding, but we're having a hard time thinking of another role!! One role that I've seen in my searches is ring warmers, does anyone have any experiences with this? Like an adult ring bearer almost!

    We don't feel obligated to include him per se, my fiance just wants to at least ask him to do something and then if he is not comfortable based on potentially leaving the province or affordability he can absolutely decline with no hard feelings from us...

    Sorry for the super long post... Anyway, any suggestions would be appreciated!!
    This is your answer. Invite him as a guest, as PP's have said, it's an honor to be invited to a wedding. 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensSP29
  • Same with playing ceremony music. That's a paid job, not an honor. If the guy volunteered, you can feel free to take him up on the offer, but please don't ask. 
    I was thinking this as well, at least if it's something the person does professionally (whether part-time/gig or full-time. Don't ask people to work at your wedding if you're not paying them.
    image
    OurWildKingdom
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If your FI really wants his friend included, he should ask him to be a GM.  The friend is free to decline.
    OurWildKingdomSTARMOON44
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Same with playing ceremony music. That's a paid job, not an honor. If the guy volunteered, you can feel free to take him up on the offer, but please don't ask. 
    I was thinking this as well, at least if it's something the person does professionally (whether part-time/gig or full-time. Don't ask people to work at your wedding if you're not paying them.
    I think this is relationship dependent. In our family, one of my SIL is a musician. As the wedding gift to several couples (myself & H 30+ years ago) she plays in the wedding.
  • Thanks to those who gave opinions and advice based on my actual query. However, to those who gave unsolicited advice about decisions we have already made please remember that I did not ask for help on that topic. You can call me rude all you want but this website it not designed for you to come on here and judge people beyond an anonymous name. Our one friend is happy to play a couple songs for our wedding and considers it an honour to have been asked. Our other friend that will be doing some of the MCing will literally only be introducing the speeches and giving a small speech himself so we have a personal touch; the DJ will do all the other actual work related stuff. This is extremely common, and again he is honoured to be included. I did not include these details in my original post because they were not pertinent to the discussion. In my opinion, there is no difference between having someone do a  reading at your ceremony (where you could instead PAY an officiant to do this) and having someone play acoustic guitar for a few songs (where you could also PAY to have this done by the DJ and played through speakers and not live); it's completely similar but somewhere some wedding gods have decided what is okay and what is not. We are not traditional and we were looking for some fun advice, not judgement. Rant over.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    k&n62517
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2016
    However, to those who gave unsolicited advice about decisions we have already made please remember that I did not ask for help on that topic. 
    YAAAAAWN. Not rude, just old news. 'Could probably search for that exact phrase on the forums and find another OP with her panties in a bunch over the exact.same.thing. This is TK, everyone's looking to catch your etiquette slip-ups (like catching you before you fall, but it P/O the original posters!). WB and WW are likely more your scene.

    TK doesn't generally believe in "regional etiquette" and so doesn't really believe too much in the "know your people" principle. Lurk a bit more and you'll figure it out   :)


    k thnx bye

    InLoveInQueensKnottie1452098987
  • Yikes. Just yikes...
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Thanks to those who gave opinions and advice based on my actual query. However, to those who gave unsolicited advice about decisions we have already made please remember that I did not ask for help on that topic. You can call me rude all you want but this website it not designed for you to come on here and judge people beyond an anonymous name. Our one friend is happy to play a couple songs for our wedding and considers it an honour to have been asked. Our other friend that will be doing some of the MCing will literally only be introducing the speeches and giving a small speech himself so we have a personal touch; the DJ will do all the other actual work related stuff. This is extremely common, and again he is honoured to be included. I did not include these details in my original post because they were not pertinent to the discussion. In my opinion, there is no difference between having someone do a  reading at your ceremony (where you could instead PAY an officiant to do this) and having someone play acoustic guitar for a few songs (where you could also PAY to have this done by the DJ and played through speakers and not live); it's completely similar but somewhere some wedding gods have decided what is okay and what is not. We are not traditional and we were looking for some fun advice, not judgement. Rant over.
    There's a huge difference between non-traditional and rude. You were asking about how to include close friends, and sharing some ways that you did it (by using them as free help). We're obviously going to point out where you're mistreating these "close friends". To answer your question...a reading is an honor, not a service (though you could certainly forgo a reading as well if you're uncomfortable with it)...MCing your reception is a service, not an honor.

    A metaphor that's been used before on these boards: If you came in and said "I'm planning to rob a bank and need a getaway driver. Should I choose my friend who's a great driver, or my friend that I know will keep his mouth shut?", we're going to tell you not to rob a bank, even though that wasn't what you asked. 

    When you come on here and say "My husband and I are going to use his friends as free help. How can I use his third friend as free help?" we're going to tell you not to use your friends as free help. The only thing "yikes" here is how you treat those close to you.


    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • Same with playing ceremony music. That's a paid job, not an honor. If the guy volunteered, you can feel free to take him up on the offer, but please don't ask. 
    I was thinking this as well, at least if it's something the person does professionally (whether part-time/gig or full-time. Don't ask people to work at your wedding if you're not paying them.
    I think this is relationship dependent. In our family, one of my SIL is a musician. As the wedding gift to several couples (myself & H 30+ years ago) she plays in the wedding.
    Offering to do so as a gift =/= being asked to.
    image
    crowsgirl15charlotte989875InLoveInQueensthisismynickname2
  • debbeaudebbeau member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    When you post on an open board you are going to get opinions on the whole situation. Maybe someone would not know it was rude when they posted and be relieved that someone told them the truth. Your friends won't. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yikes. Just yikes...


    Yup.  The truth hurts sometimes, doesn't it?  But aren't you better off getting this truth from internet strangers beforehand, than being rude to your friends and family?  Weddings can strain relationships, I know, because I am no longer friends with a bride who was a nightmare.  I'm not the only friend of hers that went their separate way from her too.

    Bottom line: Regionally acceptable or not, don't treat your friends as vendors.

    ei34charlotte989875
  • justsiejustsie member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    What I find funny is another poster posted a story about her brothers being ushers and how much they hated it and talked down about it, how it wasn't a honor to them and how they felt "lower" than the wedding party (I believe that was the term used). But NOOOOOOO our family won't feel that way because special snowflakes fall where I am.
    image
  • I appreciate the advice and am definitely considering it, I just don't like the uncalled for snark. Okay, I f***ed up by thinking it was okay to ask these things. Thank you to those who told relevant stories where they said yes to things like this but didn't actually want to, I will check with my guys because that was not my intention. As @debbeau said, you guys will tell the truth whereas friends won't. But you could tell the truth politely as opposed to calling people rude and implying their ideas are stupid and/or that they think they are better than everyone else on here (and I'm not just talking about this thread, I've seen it happen many times). Anyway, no sense crying over spilled milk and I clearly live in a la-la land.

    My intention was never to receive work for free, my DJ could very easily provide the full MC duties as well as ceremony coverage (it's actually included in his package) but we were hoping for personalized touches. However, we would prefer to be a bit more generic in some ways than to have our friends having zero fun. I've been thinking these things over for a few days (even before I made my post) and I'm still undecided. I don't want my friends to feel as though we don't value our friendship by not including them, but I'd rather they feel that way they have them feel obligated to say yes to some job they don't want to do. Another option we have been considering over the past while is asking the one friend to be a groomsman (and then he can say no if he wants, or if he moves out of the province before the wedding and bails we can deal - its not too many changes). For the other two friends (who are very close) we were thinking about asking if they'd make a toast at the beginning of the reception to welcome everyone and then to kick off the rest of the toasts.

    I'm clearly a glutton for punishment because I'm going to ask for your collective opinion again!! We want to do what is best for us and our friends, but like you have all said and I have acknowledged, they may not be completely honest with us. Does the potential plan above make more sense? Or would it be better to just not include them at all? If you were these guys, what would you think?

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    edited May 2016
    Thanks to those who gave opinions and advice based on my actual query. However, to those who gave unsolicited advice about decisions we have already made please remember that I did not ask for help on that topic. You can call me rude all you want but this website it not designed for you to come on here and judge people beyond an anonymous name. Our one friend is happy to play a couple songs for our wedding and considers it an honour to have been asked. Our other friend that will be doing some of the MCing will literally only be introducing the speeches and giving a small speech himself so we have a personal touch; the DJ will do all the other actual work related stuff. This is extremely common, and again he is honoured to be included. I did not include these details in my original post because they were not pertinent to the discussion. In my opinion, there is no difference between having someone do a  reading at your ceremony (where you could instead PAY an officiant to do this) and having someone play acoustic guitar for a few songs (where you could also PAY to have this done by the DJ and played through speakers and not live); it's completely similar but somewhere some wedding gods have decided what is okay and what is not. We are not traditional and we were looking for some fun advice, not judgement. Rant over.
    Um, I'm pretty sure the bolded is the entire purpose of the entire internet.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    charlotte989875MyNameIsNotOliveOilsMom
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