Moms and Maids

Am I right to be a little peeved by this....

My mom went and sent up a meeting with our officiant without me or my fi. After I asked her countless times not too. My dad and FMIL will also be there and they are doing it at a time when I am at work and cannot be there. I might be ok with it, but my mother keeps trying to work religious themes into our ceremony which neither I or my fi want or care for. She wasn't even going to tell me, but it slipped out in conversation yesterday. I really feel she overstepped and am really upset with her, this is not the the first time she has gone ahead and made wedding ideas and plans without me, so I feel like I am going to snap on her if I try to say anything about how much this bothers me.
«1

Re: Am I right to be a little peeved by this....

  • My mom went and sent up a meeting with our officiant without me or my fi. After I asked her countless times not too. My dad and FMIL will also be there and they are doing it at a time when I am at work and cannot be there. I might be ok with it, but my mother keeps trying to work religious themes into our ceremony which neither I or my fi want or care for. She wasn't even going to tell me, but it slipped out in conversation yesterday. I really feel she overstepped and am really upset with her, this is not the the first time she has gone ahead and made wedding ideas and plans without me, so I feel like I am going to snap on her if I try to say anything about how much this bothers me.
    I would be pissed off about this it's an invasion of privacy and stepping over the line! Dyou know what they're going to be talking about? I don't see why they need to talk to the officiant without you unless they're inputting on your ceremony?

    I would also be thinking about FMIL and your dad, was this their decision or are they just going to maybe monitor the religious input?

    It is more awkward if she's paying for the wedding but I would talk to vendors and ensure that they will not make any changes to anything without you or your FI say so.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am pretty sure that none of the parents need to be at a meeting with the officiant. The ceremony is not their business. Tell everyone this, and call your officiant to cancel the one meeting and set up the other.
    Knottie1452098987DrillSergeantCat
  • Yep, I'd be mad. The content of the ceremony should only be between you and your FI and the officiant. I don't care if the parents are paying for the entire wedding, this portion of the day is the legal portion that binds you two together, and therefor should only be what you two want (and the officiant is able to do within any religious parameters of course). 

    MairePoppy
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Are your parents/in-laws the ones getting married here?  Even if they are paying for the officiant, the ceremony isn't about them or what they want.  I feel like there's more to this story for so much parental involvement to be happening in the creation of someone else's wedding ceremony.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    tigerlily6
  • Yes, this is ludicrous. What possible reason does she have for doing such a thing? Is it just to try to get extra religious elements, or is it a control thing? I second the pp's suggesting you let all vendors know that your/your FI's instruction is the letter of the law, noone elses. Good luck, it sounds like you might need it!
                 
  • To be fair to my FMIL and the officiant, I don't think they know I have been excluded from this meeting. My says she just wants to be sure he understands "how serious this is", but I'm going to assume he knows and I don't see how that requires my FMIL or my dad. My dad knew I didn't want her calling him, he asked me for the officiants contact info several times and I refused to give it to him. I know he was asking for my mother (I point blank asked him then explained why I was saying no)
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To be fair to my FMIL and the officiant, I don't think they know I have been excluded from this meeting. My says she just wants to be sure he understands "how serious this is", but I'm going to assume he knows and I don't see how that requires my FMIL or my dad. My dad knew I didn't want her calling him, he asked me for the officiants contact info several times and I refused to give it to him. I know he was asking for my mother (I point blank asked him then explained why I was saying no)


    So this officiant is NOT your pastor or even your parent's pastor?  Because that is the only reason I can see why your parents would potentially have any excuse to make this appointment with your officiant.

    I think what you need to do is call your officiant ASAP and ask what is up. 

    You did not answer the question on who is paying for the wedding.  If your parents are paying, then they can get a say in how their money is spent.  And while they should be 100% staying out of the ceremony, your mom doesn't seem to think that way.  So be ready to decline their money offer or at least decline to use their cash on the officiant.  That way you can keep control of the ceremony yourself.

    It also sounds like your mom won't butt out of the rest of your wedding either.  So decline all money, so you can plan the wedding you and your FI want.  If you are already paying for your wedding yourselves, stop sharing information with your mother.  Make sure all vendors know that only you and your FI can make changes.  If your mom brings something up, just reply "Thanks for the idea.  I will bring it with FI and we will figure out what to do."  If she continually wants to talk about the wedding, just keep changing the subject.  Eventually walk away from the conversation if she won't drop it.

    ernursejHeffalump
  • My parents as well and my fi and I are paying for the wedding. The officiant is a friend of my fi and I, my mother has met him maybe once or twice, who is doing our marriage as a gift. I just had a conversation with my mother, trying to explain why I was upset, but my fi called me in the middle of it and said he would go to the meeting since I couldn't. (The conversation with me & mother did not go well). My mom is livid he will be there, but I told her this our ceremony and there is no way we should be excluded from this meeting.
  • Also, the wedding is in 9 days- all the deposits have been paid so unfortunately it's too late walk away from their financial help
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Holy crap! Yep I'd be PISSED.

    The ceremony is the one aspect that is all about the bride and the groom.

    I am surprised the officiant was even willing to talk with your mom. I get if you told the officiant you were bringing your mom, but I would expect the officiant to deal with you directly- particularly when it is your friend.

    I would call your officiant to let him know that yourself and your FI are authorized to make decisions or changes to the ceremony.

    Have you and your FI already met with him to go over the ceremony proceedings? If yes, tell your officiant nothing is to be changed no matter what your mom says. If no, you and FI should be booking a meeting with him to go over the ceremony, whether that is before or after the meeting with your mom (maybe after would be better, so your mom has "her" meeting then you can say yes/no to what you and FI want).

    Our officiant is an acquaintance of my grandparents. The officiant still dealt directly with us for all communication and planning.
    OliveOilsMomKnottie1452098987
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    So obviously your officiant is in a tough spot since it's a friend but you need to cancel the meeting now and tell your mother you and FI have already discussed the ceremony with them and nothing further is needed. Tell officiant to ignore her calls/ deny her meeting requests and tell her the conversation is closed. 
    image
    db1984YogaSandyHeffalump
  • I think this is one reason why officiants can charge so much.  Oh, the drama!
    OP, I think it will all work out the way you want.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    lnixon8OliveOilsMomMesmrEwe
  • Of course you have a right to be peeved! It is not your mother's place to make any decisions about your wedding ceremony or to meet with your officiant, especially without you there. 

    With your wedding this close, I very strongly suggest that you contact all your vendors to make sure that your mother hasn't made any changes to what they're doing that you didn't agree to. Regardless of who is paying, you are their client and you are the one they should be listening to. Yes, they who pay have a say, but that doesn't mean your mother gets decide every single thing or to make plans behind your back. And it certainly doesn't mean she has any right to decide anything as personal as your wedding ceremony. 


    image
    SP29
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    If the officiant is a friend of yours I'd have the meeting cancelled and then just you and FI talk to him if a meeting is necessary to finalize stuff.

  • So after a horrible conversation with my mother (somehow I ended being a controlling bridezilla trying to undermine my mothers joy of the day) the officiant reached out and said that time won't work for him anymore and we rescheduled  for a time when ALL of us could be there, including our ring bearer- my future BIL (I wanted them to meet so our 3 year old ring bearer wouldn't be walking towards a stranger the day of). My FMIL reached out and said she had felt awkward about the whole thing and the only reason she had said yes was so she could be a "rep" for Fi and I (she knows my mother and I have not been seeing eye to eye on the wedding). I'm so thankful my fi and FMIL are level headed and taking my family's crazy in stride! 
    Knottie1452098987
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    So after a horrible conversation with my mother (somehow I ended being a controlling bridezilla trying to undermine my mothers joy of the day) the officiant reached out and said that time won't work for him anymore and we rescheduled  for a time when ALL of us could be there, including our ring bearer- my future BIL (I wanted them to meet so our 3 year old ring bearer wouldn't be walking towards a stranger the day of). My FMIL reached out and said she had felt awkward about the whole thing and the only reason she had said yes was so she could be a "rep" for Fi and I (she knows my mother and I have not been seeing eye to eye on the wedding). I'm so thankful my fi and FMIL are level headed and taking my family's crazy in stride! 
    Is that for the rehearsal? Otherwise, I don't understand why the officiant would need to meet with the parents, with or without you and fi. I hope your mom comes to her senses before the wedding.
                       
    SP29OliveOilsMomKnottie1452098987
  • I have no idea what her motivation for calling this meeting was, but we (fi and I)did plan on with meeting with him again before the wedding because he is not sure if he will be able to make the RD.
  • Honestly, I was just tired of fighting with her. She refuses to acknowledge that she overstepped. We invited his family over as well and turned into a party. Every step of the way with this wedding has been a battle with her- she hated my BM choices, the GM choices, the colors were stupid, that we asked a friend to be the officiant not one of her friends, I refused to go dress shopping with her, she hates my hair color, and the kicker the bra I picked out for under my dress isn't sexy enough. I'm just worn out. And my dad and fi keep getting caught in the middle and I don't think it's fair for them
  • Honestly, I was just tired of fighting with her. She refuses to acknowledge that she overstepped. We invited his family over as well and turned into a party. Every step of the way with this wedding has been a battle with her- she hated my BM choices, the GM choices, the colors were stupid, that we asked a friend to be the officiant not one of her friends, I refused to go dress shopping with her, she hates my hair color, and the kicker the bra I picked out for under my dress isn't sexy enough. I'm just worn out. And my dad and fi keep getting caught in the middle and I don't think it's fair for them
    Stop trying to please her.  She cannot be pleased.  Plan the wedding that YOU want, and she will like it or lump it.
    About the meeting - I think it is better to have the meeting before the rehearsal.  You will be stressed enough at the rehearsal without unexpected drama from Mom.  It sounds like you have a really good officiant.  If your Mom wants to pitch a fit or make demands at this meeting, your officiant should back you up, or mediate, if possible.
    I was a church organist for many years, and I saw all kinds of nonsense at rehearsals.  Why do you think I charged extra for them?  I spent more time at the rehearsals than at the actual ceremonies!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueensMesmrEwe
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards