Is it OK to back out?

Iamnowmrsjms

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

Jen4948

I would talk to your friend and explain your situation. Tell her that although you'd love to attend both parts of her wedding (she shouldn't have planned for a gap, that was rude), it isn't practical for you. Then ask her if she would be okay with you just attending one part of the wedding but not both, and which one is more important to her. If she indicates that she really wants you to attend the reception and the ceremony is less important, go to the reception. Otherwise, I'd go to the ceremony and do the reading.

cowgirl8238

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

If you've lurked you know that backing out would be a friendship ending move.  You also know that having a gap is rude on her part and this is exactly why it is advised against.  I wonder if she will invite the baby? (Assuming the gap is the only rude item at this point.)

If you want to remain friends (you honestly sound iffy about this to me) then I would go to the ceremony and either find someplace you can comfortably pass the time with friends or skip the reception.  It really sucks to drive that far for just the ceremony but you did technically agree to the reading two years ago.

If you don't care about the friendship anymore, (again you sounded iffy) I would just decline and let the friendship die.  She asked you really early on and things change, she might understand but it will likely just further any drifting you already feel.  Its your call really.

Finally, if you are still close enough that you feel like you could, is there any chance of having a sit-down "WTF are you doing?" kind of conversation.  I doubt it will change the gap situation though, but she may need a little wake up call.

thisismynickname2

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

A few things stick out to me.
a) You're no longer close.
b) You don't foresee the ability to have a sitter nor the ability to stay overnight with a baby.
c) Unfortunate wedding logistics overall.

I would either call or, since you're no longer close, e-mail her. Something like, "Friend, last year you asked me to do a reading and I'm so honored that you did. I've been thinking a lot about the logistics now, and having an infant. I am afraid I won't be able to attend the wedding, or at least, I'm unsure enough about my ability to attend that I don't want to commit to the reading and then leave you hanging at the last minute. I have to decline your request to do a reading. I hope to be able to work out logistics and still attend as a regular guest, but I'll have to see how things are after my baby comes."

Something in that general vein should work. That leaves you open to still attend ceremony and/or reception or skip the whole shebang, without committing to the reading. 

Congrats on the baby! 

ETA: Multiple responses at the same time, so I'll mention, I don't necessarily think backing out of a reading is a friendship ending move. A reading doesn't carry the same weight, in my opinion, as the bridal party. Practically anyone can read (our pastor's wife read in my wedding).  If you're not close anymore, I think backing out is ok and you can still remain acquaintances. 

cowgirl8238

I really like the wording @thisismynickname suggested.

Jen4948

cowgirl8238 said:

I really like the wording @thisismynickname suggested.

I do too.

STARMOON44

Why can't you stay in a hotel with a baby? I'd go, because you said you would. Do the reading. Return to the hotel for baby time. Then attend the wedding. Or go to a park, restaurant, etc in between.  Are you a single mom? If so I'd say that you obvi need to bring baby. If not, leave baby with its dad. 

If you don't want to go, whatever that's your call. But I wouldn't tell her you "can't" go because you clearly can. 

Iamnowmrsjms

STARMOON44 said:

Why can't you stay in a hotel with a baby? I'd go, because you said you would. Do the reading. Return to the hotel for baby time. Then attend the wedding. Or go to a park, restaurant, etc in between.  Are you a single mom? If so I'd say that you obvi need to bring baby. If not, leave baby with its dad. 

If you don't want to go, whatever that's your call. But I wouldn't tell her you "can't" go because you clearly can. 

I can't leave a baby alone in a hotel room.

No, I'm not a single mom.  H and I got married last year.  Due to medical issues, I do not drive, so H would need to attend with me, and couldn't stay home with the baby.

@thisismynickname thank you! Your reply is perfect!

@cowgirl18238 we are def not close enough for me to have a "WTF are you doing" kind of convo.  After she got engaged, she did ask my advice on some things, so I gave it, but only bc I was asked.

Her and her FI don't drink, so she asked if my wedding was open bar.  I told her that it was and getting the idea that she would be leaning towards a cash bar bc they're not drinkers, I also told her that having a dry wedding or just beer/wine is perfectly fine, but whatever is offered must be hosted (I then gave her the link to the thread on this board about "Cash bars-everything you need to know...")

I never asked what she ended up deciding on about the bar, but since there's no cocktail hour and she's already committing a huge faux pas w the long gap, I'm willing to bet it's a cash bar. 

lyndausvi

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.

Iamnowmrsjms

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

ei34

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.

All of this.  If I was in your friend's shoes and you used any of your excuses, I'd feel like they were just that- excuses.  You don't have to do the reading.  But I'd definitely tell her sooner rather than later.

lyndausvi

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

Yes, you are.   You could just do the ceremony.   Sure it might be disappointing that you might miss the reception, but it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Your parents and IL are not the only people in the world to babysit.   I know many people who use non-family members as babysitters.  Or they ask their OOT parent's to come in to help.  Or another family member.      I had a cousin who got married in another state.     My aunt and cousin (also oot) from the other side of the family came with us to babysit my nieces/nephews.    Where there's a will there is a way.


Do you know for certain your baby isn't invited?  I didn't invite babies, but plenty of people do.


Bottom line is you don't care about them anymore.   Rip the band-aid off already.

Jen4948

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

I think you can honestly tell her that the huge gap between the ceremony and the reception doesn't allow you to attend both.

SaintPaulGal

Iamnowmrsjms said:

STARMOON44 said:

Why can't you stay in a hotel with a baby? I'd go, because you said you would. Do the reading. Return to the hotel for baby time. Then attend the wedding. Or go to a park, restaurant, etc in between.  Are you a single mom? If so I'd say that you obvi need to bring baby. If not, leave baby with its dad. 

If you don't want to go, whatever that's your call. But I wouldn't tell her you "can't" go because you clearly can. 

I can't leave a baby alone in a hotel room.

No, I'm not a single mom.  H and I got married last year.  Due to medical issues, I do not drive, so H would need to attend with me, and couldn't stay home with the baby.

@thisismynickname thank you! Your reply is perfect!

@cowgirl18238 we are def not close enough for me to have a "WTF are you doing" kind of convo.  After she got engaged, she did ask my advice on some things, so I gave it, but only bc I was asked.

Her and her FI don't drink, so she asked if my wedding was open bar.  I told her that it was and getting the idea that she would be leaning towards a cash bar bc they're not drinkers, I also told her that having a dry wedding or just beer/wine is perfectly fine, but whatever is offered must be hosted (I then gave her the link to the thread on this board about "Cash bars-everything you need to know...")

I never asked what she ended up deciding on about the bar, but since there's no cocktail hour and she's already committing a huge faux pas w the long gap, I'm willing to bet it's a cash bar. 

Hold on a second here.  It's not that you CAN'T.  It's that you prefer not to.  The choice is up to you, but you need to own it.

• There are babysitters who are not your parents or your husband's parents.
• Your husband doesn't have to attend with you just because you don't drive.  Taxis exist.  Your parents are going, perhaps you could ride with them.  Your husband could drop you off and then return to the hotel with the baby, or even return home since it's only 45 minutes away

Again, if you prefer not to go that is up to you.  The degree to which it is okay to back out on this friend/"friend" is yours to determine.  But don't throw up your hands and just say you "can't" do it.  You can.  Lots of other people are parents and lots of other people don't drive.  If you wanted to make this happen you could use the same basic strategies that those millions of people do.

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

I think you can honestly tell her that the huge gap between the ceremony and the reception doesn't allow you to attend both.

Agreed. A large gap is annoying for most people, but having a six month old baby adds a new level of difficulty and hopefully they can understand that. It's a long ways away, so you aren't leaving them in a bind or without enough time to find someone else if they need to. 

Iamnowmrsjms

Jen4948 said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

I think you can honestly tell her that the huge gap between the ceremony and the reception doesn't allow you to attend both.

Perfect.  Exactly!

ETA-I'm leaning towards attending only the ceremony, so that way I can still do the reading that I agreed to.

Normally, I would give a cash gift.  If you don't attend the reception, would you still give a gift? I'm thinking no cash gift, but a nice card and perhaps something small off her registry? Yes, I know gifts are never "required."  What would you all do?

LondonLisa

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Jen4948 said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

I think you can honestly tell her that the huge gap between the ceremony and the reception doesn't allow you to attend both.

Perfect.  Exactly!

ETA-I'm leaning towards attending only the ceremony, so that way I can still do the reading that I agreed to.

Normally, I would give a cash gift.  If you don't attend the reception, would you still give a gift? I'm thinking no cash gift, but a nice card and perhaps something small off her registry? Yes, I know gifts are never "required."  What would you all

**** Stuck in a box*****

It is frankly is rather rude and disingenuous to go, honestly. You have said it yourself: you don't care about her. I wouldn't want anyone to do a reading at my wedding who would say that. Just back out and let this poor woman have her wedding without you whinging about getting a gift, finding a ride etc, etc. Yes, her gap is rude but it sounds like you are searching for any excuse not to go... 

poodledoodleooo

Also 8.5 months pregnant. Also planning on attending not one, but two weddings when baby will be 5-6 months old. One is across the country; the second is about an hour away, and we won't be getting a hotel for the second one. We also won't be relying on a sitter, since, you know, the baby can come with. I can't understand how having a baby with you is an insurmountable hurdle in attending a wedding unless the couple isn't inviting babies/children, or your baby has some sort of special needs - even if there is a gap. It's cool if you don't want to go, but don't blame your baby - it's a really lame excuse!

Call this friend and let her know that you are no longer able to read and leave it at that.

As for a gift, I don't give gifts based on people's reception quality or whether or not I'll even be there. I gift based on what I want to give. If you want to give cash - go do that. If you want to give her something small, or large, or in-between, go ahead and do that.

southernbelle0915

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

If the bolded is true, I would send her a message or call her and say:

"Hi (name) - I know I said I would do a reading at your wedding next year but I don't think I can make it work logistically with my new baby. I appreciate you thinking of me and wanted to let you know as soon as possible so you could find someone else to do it."

That's it. If she tries to convince you otherwise, just nicely say no until the requests stop coming (they will). And honestly, if she's not someone you're going to keep in touch with, I probably wouldn't attend at all. Just me personally, but I try not to waste my own time and others' money when I have no interest in the relationship.

photokitty

cowgirl8238 said:

If you've lurked you know that backing out would be a friendship ending move.  You also know that having a gap is rude on her part and this is exactly why it is advised against.  I wonder if she will invite the baby? (Assuming the gap is the only rude item at this point.)

If you want to remain friends (you honestly sound iffy about this to me) then I would go to the ceremony and either find someplace you can comfortably pass the time with friends or skip the reception.  It really sucks to drive that far for just the ceremony but you did technically agree to the reading two years ago.

If you don't care about the friendship anymore, (again you sounded iffy) I would just decline and let the friendship die.  She asked you really early on and things change, she might understand but it will likely just further any drifting you already feel.  Its your call really.

Finally, if you are still close enough that you feel like you could, is there any chance of having a sit-down "WTF are you doing?" kind of conversation.  I doubt it will change the gap situation though, but she may need a little wake up call.

Backing out is not a friendship ending move. Kicking someone out of your wedding or uninviting them is a friendship ending move. If you need to back out for whatever reason, if the friendship doesn't survive it's either bc the reason or way you deliver it is rude or the friendship wasn't there anyway.

MobKaz

@lamnowmrsjms, It is unfortunate that you agreed to a reading prior to knowing the details, and prior to having your first child (Congratulations!)

The gap alone has caused me to decline wedding invitations.  It was for similar reasons as you:  3 1/2 gap between ceremony and reception, too far to return home during the gap, but too close to warrant the necessity of a hotel room.  The bride was upset to receive the decline and put me on the spot as to why I was not attending.  I told her the truth.  Her response was, "Well, that's what my sister did so I didn't think much of it."  I think she regretted following suit, however, as she had several declines she did not expect.  I'm also personally not a fan of skipping the ceremony and attending the reception.  The reception is held to thank guests for attending the ceremony.  The bride may have created the problem, but I still felt rude doing it.

The bride has plenty of time to find a new reader.  People reconsider things. 

Iamnowmrsjms

PoodleDoodleOoo said:

Also 8.5 months pregnant. Also planning on attending not one, but two weddings when baby will be 5-6 months old. One is across the country; the second is about an hour away, and we won't be getting a hotel for the second one. We also won't be relying on a sitter, since, you know, the baby can come with. I can't understand how having a baby with you is an insurmountable hurdle in attending a wedding unless the couple isn't inviting babies/children, or your baby has some sort of special needs - even if there is a gap. It's cool if you don't want to go, but don't blame your baby - it's a really lame excuse!

Call this friend and let her know that you are no longer able to read and leave it at that.

As for a gift, I don't give gifts based on people's reception quality or whether or not I'll even be there. I gift based on what I want to give. If you want to give cash - go do that. If you want to give her something small, or large, or in-between, go ahead and do that.

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!
Well, I guess you have a better relationship with the friends that you're attending both weddings for. 
I'm not "blaming my baby," that is a really ridiculous and unnecessary thing to say. 

LondonLisa

Iamnowmrsjms said:

PoodleDoodleOoo said:

Also 8.5 months pregnant. Also planning on attending not one, but two weddings when baby will be 5-6 months old. One is across the country; the second is about an hour away, and we won't be getting a hotel for the second one. We also won't be relying on a sitter, since, you know, the baby can come with. I can't understand how having a baby with you is an insurmountable hurdle in attending a wedding unless the couple isn't inviting babies/children, or your baby has some sort of special needs - even if there is a gap. It's cool if you don't want to go, but don't blame your baby - it's a really lame excuse!

Call this friend and let her know that you are no longer able to read and leave it at that.

As for a gift, I don't give gifts based on people's reception quality or whether or not I'll even be there. I gift based on what I want to give. If you want to give cash - go do that. If you want to give her something small, or large, or in-between, go ahead and do that.

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!
Well, I guess you have a better relationship with the friends that you're attending both weddings for. 
I'm not "blaming my baby," that is a really ridiculous and unnecessary thing to say. 

I don't see how that is ridiculous. You could attend, as several people pointed out logistically but you don't want to. You find it inconvenient and you aren't close with this person.  That's fine. The way you are hemming and hawing about everything (including if you can back out of giving a gift) shows that you really just don't want to go but you could. Instead you are saying that having a 6 month old makes this insurmountable. It doesn't. By definition you are using having a baby as an excuse to back out. 

You don't HAVE to go. It's really ok. But you are doing a rubbish job at owning the fact that you just don't want to. 

charlotte989875

Just decline and be done with it. I think the need to explain why you (General you) can't or won't do something comes from a place of wanting to spare the other persons feelings. When in reality most people don't need them, and will try and help you find away around it, making the situation more awkward than it needs to be when you have to decline again.

You are a grown woman, own your choices. All that needs to be said is "friend I'm sorry, but I can no longer do a reading or attend your ceremony. I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your new husband/wife". No excuse necessary. 

MesmrEwe

lyndausvi said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

Yes, you are.   You could just do the ceremony.   Sure it might be disappointing that you might miss the reception, but it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Your parents and IL are not the only people in the world to babysit.   I know many people who use non-family members as babysitters.  Or they ask their OOT parent's to come in to help.  Or another family member.      I had a cousin who got married in another state.     My aunt and cousin (also oot) from the other side of the family came with us to babysit my nieces/nephews.    Where there's a will there is a way.


Do you know for certain your baby isn't invited?  I didn't invite babies, but plenty of people do.


Bottom line is you don't care about them anymore.   Rip the band-aid off already.

First, by the time your baby is 6mo you're going to be looking for an excuse to get out of the house!  Is this a child-free wedding? 

The bigger thing this screams is do you really believe your husband is incapable of sitting in the cry room/Children's room/hall with his child for 60 minutes max while you do a reading?  Or your parents won't hold LO given the circumstances for the service - I find this VERY hard to believe!  Also, yes, you really can stay overnight in a hotel with a 6mo, you can either bring your PnP along or you can rent a crib from the hotel.  I don't know of any hotels with bans on children staying there.  I'm not being Sanctimommy here, you're pregnant, the only unknown is your LO's personality, and even if they're a colicy screamer you're going to be just fine!  STOP trying to use your baby as an excuse to not do the reading.  If you don't want to do the reading, then don't, but whatever you do, you're not allowed to use your unborn child as an excuse for backing out!  Obviously even though you're not close now, she thinks enough of you to ask you to be in her wedding and you initially agreed.

"The gap" is a non-issue as well as it's going to be happily filled by your 6mo's rotation of food, play, nap, and poo schedule.  If it's a Catholic ceremony you'll likely need to stay over the night before for attending the Rehearsal.  Really, you'll be just fine! 

MobKaz

MesmrEwe said:

lyndausvi said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

lyndausvi said:

Just back out already.   You are 7 months out and you have thought of every possible excuse on why you can't attend.

You don't want to go.  Own it. Stop blaming the baby, transportation and even the gap. Just be honest that you just don't care about this person anymore and be done with it.

People who care figure out how to make things work.    People who do not care find ways to justify why they can't do something.

She might be disappointed, but still has 7 months to find someone else.I

True.  I don't really care about this person anymore.  Owning it.

However, the huge gap is the reason I want to back out, not using my baby has an "excuse."  If there wasn't such a huge gap, H and I would go to the ceremony and reception and we'd have to find a babysitter. 

Yes, you are.   You could just do the ceremony.   Sure it might be disappointing that you might miss the reception, but it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Your parents and IL are not the only people in the world to babysit.   I know many people who use non-family members as babysitters.  Or they ask their OOT parent's to come in to help.  Or another family member.      I had a cousin who got married in another state.     My aunt and cousin (also oot) from the other side of the family came with us to babysit my nieces/nephews.    Where there's a will there is a way.


Do you know for certain your baby isn't invited?  I didn't invite babies, but plenty of people do.


Bottom line is you don't care about them anymore.   Rip the band-aid off already.

First, by the time your baby is 6mo you're going to be looking for an excuse to get out of the house!  Is this a child-free wedding? 

The bigger thing this screams is do you really believe your husband is incapable of sitting in the cry room/Children's room/hall with his child for 60 minutes max while you do a reading?  Or your parents won't hold LO given the circumstances for the service - I find this VERY hard to believe!  Also, yes, you really can stay overnight in a hotel with a 6mo, you can either bring your PnP along or you can rent a crib from the hotel.  I don't know of any hotels with bans on children staying there.  I'm not being Sanctimommy here, you're pregnant, the only unknown is your LO's personality, and even if they're a colicy screamer you're going to be just fine!  STOP trying to use your baby as an excuse to not do the reading.  If you don't want to do the reading, then don't, but whatever you do, you're not allowed to use your unborn child as an excuse for backing out!  Obviously even though you're not close now, she thinks enough of you to ask you to be in her wedding and you initially agreed.

"The gap" is a non-issue as well as it's going to be happily filled by your 6mo's rotation of food, play, nap, and poo schedule.  If it's a Catholic ceremony you'll likely need to stay over the night before for attending the Rehearsal.  Really, you'll be just fine! 

I am going to disagree with a lot of your suggestions/opinions.

Not every mom looks for an excuse to get out of the house.  Yes, moms often want a break, but the double edged sword is that it is sometimes more work to arrange than it is a relief.

Unless I misread the OP, this wedding is an hour away.  There is no need for a hotel room, which makes the gap a HUGE issue.  There is no place to "fill" this magical schedule to which you refer.  I sure as hell wish my son and my granddaughter were given a head's up about this baby rotation.  It did not exist.

My granddaughter had some medical issues that made feeding and digestion/colic a nightmare.  It can and does leave parents, particularly new parents, complete dish rags. 

Finally, as a reader, there is nothing OP needs to know that commands she attend a rehearsal dinner.  She can be given the reading ahead of time to practice.  She can be told 10 minutes prior to the wedding at which point she will be called to offer her reading. 

OP may have implied she is using her infant as a major excuse, but you've made a lot of sweeping generalizations.


ETA:  A gap, particularly a 3 hour gap, is ALWAYS an issue, with or without a baby. 

cowgirl8238

photokitty said:

cowgirl8238 said:

If you've lurked you know that backing out would be a friendship ending move.  You also know that having a gap is rude on her part and this is exactly why it is advised against.  I wonder if she will invite the baby? (Assuming the gap is the only rude item at this point.)

If you want to remain friends (you honestly sound iffy about this to me) then I would go to the ceremony and either find someplace you can comfortably pass the time with friends or skip the reception.  It really sucks to drive that far for just the ceremony but you did technically agree to the reading two years ago.

If you don't care about the friendship anymore, (again you sounded iffy) I would just decline and let the friendship die.  She asked you really early on and things change, she might understand but it will likely just further any drifting you already feel.  Its your call really.

Finally, if you are still close enough that you feel like you could, is there any chance of having a sit-down "WTF are you doing?" kind of conversation.  I doubt it will change the gap situation though, but she may need a little wake up call.

Backing out is not a friendship ending move. Kicking someone out of your wedding or uninviting them is a friendship ending move. If you need to back out for whatever reason, if the friendship doesn't survive it's either bc the reason or way you deliver it is rude or the friendship wasn't there anyway.

You are correct...the act of backing out is not necessarily a friendship ender...I just crossed that with the idea of kicking someone out when I first responded.  oopsies!

However I do feel like it will strain a relationship at least a little bit, and given the fact the OP and the friend have already drifted, I think in this case it would come across as a friendship ender.  Especially now that I am reading more of the OP responses.

cowgirl8238

OP, I think you should just call/email/facebook message this friend and say "I know I agreed to do a reading at your wedding next year, but I will no longer be able to attend.  Thanks for the offer and best of luck to you and your SO" Short and sweet and to the point.  The more you bring in excuses the more she may try to help you work around them, and the more damage it will do to any relationship you have left. 

For example say you tell her it is because of your baby, then she might respond "Just bring the baby with you, of course you're all invited."  Then what will you say next?  "It's because of the gap"  She could counter that as well and then it just drags on and on in an awkward cycle of you make excuse, she helps you solve said problem, and you making another excuse. 

I say: Just decline the offer now, decline the wedding if you still get an invite, and get her a nice card and a gift that you are comfortable giving, then let it all go!

PrettyGirlLost

cowgirl8238 said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

If you've lurked you know that backing out would be a friendship ending move.  You also know that having a gap is rude on her part and this is exactly why it is advised against.  I wonder if she will invite the baby? (Assuming the gap is the only rude item at this point.)

If you want to remain friends (you honestly sound iffy about this to me) then I would go to the ceremony and either find someplace you can comfortably pass the time with friends or skip the reception.  It really sucks to drive that far for just the ceremony but you did technically agree to the reading two years ago.

If you don't care about the friendship anymore, (again you sounded iffy) I would just decline and let the friendship die.  She asked you really early on and things change, she might understand but it will likely just further any drifting you already feel.  Its your call really.

Finally, if you are still close enough that you feel like you could, is there any chance of having a sit-down "WTF are you doing?" kind of conversation.  I doubt it will change the gap situation though, but she may need a little wake up call.

What?

No, backing out of doing a reading isn't necessarily a friendship ending move, wherever did you get that idea?

Life changes for people and shit happens.  People have to decline to participate or attend weddings all the time due to life changing circumstances, and with rational human beings that should be NBD.

OP, just tell your friend now that due to your pregnancy you won't be able to attend the wedding and you are very, very sorry.

Or, if you think your friend will be petty and throw a fit and you'd like to maintain the friendship, I'd just attend the ceremony, do the reading, and then go home.  A 3 hour gap that includes an hour drive to get the the reception is total bullshit.

AddieCake

Since when is backing out of a wedding on one's own a friendship-ending move?

PrettyGirlLost

You guys are giving OP shit 6 ways to Sunday because she doesn't want to attend a wedding that is hugely fucking inconvenient for everyone- significant distance to the ceremony, then a 3 hour gap with a 1 hour drive time to reception- seriously?

Meanwhile most of us at one time or another have stated on these boards we wouldn't attend a wedding like this- @MobKaz just said in this thread she has declined such weddings in the past.

In the past haven't we advised other members to use their baby as a perfect out for situations like this, rather than pointing out directly how damn rude and inconvenient the Bride's wedding plans are? 

It's not always easy or convenient to haul an infant around, let alone to a wedding that's an hour away in a single direction- I don't blame OP for not being all that thrilled about doing it, especially if she's not that close to this Bride. . . which she was called out to admit, she admitted, and then she got some shit for.

I love you all more than my luggage, but sheesh!