Is it OK to back out?

LondonLisa

PrettyGirlLost said:

You guys are giving OP shit 6 ways to Sunday because she doesn't want to attend a wedding that is hugely fucking inconvenient for everyone- significant distance to the ceremony, then a 3 hour gap with a 1 hour drive time to reception- seriously?

Meanwhile most of us at one time or another have stated on these boards we wouldn't attend a wedding like this- @MobKaz just said in this thread she has declined such weddings in the past.

In the past haven't we advised other members to use their baby as a perfect out for situations like this, rather than pointing out directly how damn rude and inconvenient the Bride's wedding plans are? 

It's not always easy or convenient to haul an infant around, let alone to a wedding that's an hour away in a single direction- I don't blame OP for not being all that thrilled about doing it, especially if she's not that close to this Bride. . . which she was called out to admit, she admitted, and then she got some shit for.

I love you all more than my luggage, but sheesh!

No one is giving her shit about declining.  We are just saying its a bit silly to say "oh my baby just makes it sooooo hard to attend" when she herself admits that she just isn't close and doesn't want to go. And then OP got defensive when we said: just own the fact you don't want to go- it is ok!

I've declined weddings for less. But I don't pretend that I would totally be there and give a reading to a past tense friendship but baby just makes it sooooo hard when in reality I say that I don't care about this person and I don't want to buy them a gift. 

DrillSergeantCat

MobKaz said:

I am going to disagree with a lot of your suggestions/opinions.

Not every mom looks for an excuse to get out of the house.  Yes, moms often want a break, but the double edged sword is that it is sometimes more work to arrange than it is a relief.

Unless I misread the OP, this wedding is an hour away.  There is no need for a hotel room, which makes the gap a HUGE issue.  There is no place to "fill" this magical schedule to which you refer.  I sure as hell wish my son and my granddaughter were given a head's up about this baby rotation.  It did not exist.

My granddaughter had some medical issues that made feeding and digestion/colic a nightmare.  It can and does leave parents, particularly new parents, complete dish rags. 

Finally, as a reader, there is nothing OP needs to know that commands she attend a rehearsal dinner.  She can be given the reading ahead of time to practice.  She can be told 10 minutes prior to the wedding at which point she will be called to offer her reading. 

OP may have implied she is using her infant as a major excuse, but you've made a lot of sweeping generalizations.

Yup! Harrison is 6 months old and I've yet to look for excuses to get out of the house away from him. It would be hugely inconvenient to get dressed up, drive an hour, and then have a multi-hour gap that I would have to entertain said 6 month old. It wouldn't be worth it for me to drive 2 hours round trip for a 30 minute ceremony. Of course, as PP said, I'm curious as to the reason dad can't stay with baby. Unless you're breastfeeding, there's no reason he can't

PrettyGirlLost

LondonLisa said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

You guys are giving OP shit 6 ways to Sunday because she doesn't want to attend a wedding that is hugely fucking inconvenient for everyone- significant distance to the ceremony, then a 3 hour gap with a 1 hour drive time to reception- seriously?

Meanwhile most of us at one time or another have stated on these boards we wouldn't attend a wedding like this- @MobKaz just said in this thread she has declined such weddings in the past.

In the past haven't we advised other members to use their baby as a perfect out for situations like this, rather than pointing out directly how damn rude and inconvenient the Bride's wedding plans are? 

It's not always easy or convenient to haul an infant around, let alone to a wedding that's an hour away in a single direction- I don't blame OP for not being all that thrilled about doing it, especially if she's not that close to this Bride. . . which she was called out to admit, she admitted, and then she got some shit for.

I love you all more than my luggage, but sheesh!

No one is giving her shit about declining.  We are just saying its a bit silly to say "oh my baby just makes it sooooo hard to attend" when she herself admits that she just isn't close and doesn't want to go. And then OP got defensive when we said: just own the fact you don't want to go- it is ok!

I've declined weddings for less. But I don't pretend that I would totally be there and give a reading to a past tense friendship but baby just makes it sooooo hard when in reality I say that I don't care about this person and I don't want to buy them a gift. 

I didn't read her tone to be defensive at all.

Her baby does make it a pain in the ass, on top of the pain in the ass the bride created.  I'm CF and I can see how having a 6month old would just add to the logistics. . . I'm sure it's doable, but that doesn't mean it's not a pain in the ass.

I also didn't get from her posts that she'd totally be there, but for the baby- seems to me she'd totally be there but for the fact that it's like an hour away, and there's a 3 hour gap with another long drive, and she has a baby, and that she's not close to this person.

All valid reasons not to want to go to a wedding, IMO, especially when they are additive!

PrettyGirlLost

DrillSergeantCat said:

MobKaz said:

I am going to disagree with a lot of your suggestions/opinions.

Not every mom looks for an excuse to get out of the house.  Yes, moms often want a break, but the double edged sword is that it is sometimes more work to arrange than it is a relief.

Unless I misread the OP, this wedding is an hour away.  There is no need for a hotel room, which makes the gap a HUGE issue.  There is no place to "fill" this magical schedule to which you refer.  I sure as hell wish my son and my granddaughter were given a head's up about this baby rotation.  It did not exist.

My granddaughter had some medical issues that made feeding and digestion/colic a nightmare.  It can and does leave parents, particularly new parents, complete dish rags. 

Finally, as a reader, there is nothing OP needs to know that commands she attend a rehearsal dinner.  She can be given the reading ahead of time to practice.  She can be told 10 minutes prior to the wedding at which point she will be called to offer her reading. 

OP may have implied she is using her infant as a major excuse, but you've made a lot of sweeping generalizations.

Yup! Harrison is 6 months old and I've yet to look for excuses to get out of the house away from him. It would be hugely inconvenient to get dressed up, drive an hour, and then have a multi-hour gap that I would have to entertain said 6 month old. It wouldn't be worth it for me to drive 2 hours round trip for a 30 minute ceremony. Of course, as PP said, I'm curious as to the reason dad can't stay with baby. Unless you're breastfeeding, there's no reason he can't

I rest my case.

The OP's husband can't stay at home with the baby because the OP can't drive and would thus need her husband to drive her to the wedding.  I assume there's a reason why OP can't carpool with her parents.

DrillSergeantCat

PrettyGirlLost said:

I rest my case.

The OP's husband can't stay at home with the baby because the OP can't drive and would thus need her husband to drive her to the wedding.  I assume there's a reason why OP can't carpool with her parents.

Right. I remember reading that now. 

poodledoodleooo

PrettyGirlLost said:

You guys are giving OP shit 6 ways to Sunday because she doesn't want to attend a wedding that is hugely fucking inconvenient for everyone- significant distance to the ceremony, then a 3 hour gap with a 1 hour drive time to reception- seriously?

Meanwhile most of us at one time or another have stated on these boards we wouldn't attend a wedding like this- @MobKaz just said in this thread she has declined such weddings in the past.

In the past haven't we advised other members to use their baby as a perfect out for situations like this, rather than pointing out directly how damn rude and inconvenient the Bride's wedding plans are? 

It's not always easy or convenient to haul an infant around, let alone to a wedding that's an hour away in a single direction- I don't blame OP for not being all that thrilled about doing it, especially if she's not that close to this Bride. . . which she was called out to admit, she admitted, and then she got some shit for.

I love you all more than my luggage, but sheesh!

Sorry - I don't dole out advice based on "what the knot thinks." My advice is based on what I think and experience. I don't think OP needs an "excuse" to say no thanks to this wedding - she just needs to call the bride and simply say she can't do it anymore and leave it at that.

If she uses her baby, or the distance, or whatever as an excuse the bride could easily retort "but the baby is invited! Your parents could watch the baby! Your husband can watch the baby! It's not that far! I've driven farther!" etc making it even MORE awkward and difficult to back out, which is what the OP ultimately wants to do - regardless of the baby situation.

PrettyGirlLost

PoodleDoodleOoo said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

You guys are giving OP shit 6 ways to Sunday because she doesn't want to attend a wedding that is hugely fucking inconvenient for everyone- significant distance to the ceremony, then a 3 hour gap with a 1 hour drive time to reception- seriously?

Meanwhile most of us at one time or another have stated on these boards we wouldn't attend a wedding like this- @MobKaz just said in this thread she has declined such weddings in the past.

In the past haven't we advised other members to use their baby as a perfect out for situations like this, rather than pointing out directly how damn rude and inconvenient the Bride's wedding plans are? 

It's not always easy or convenient to haul an infant around, let alone to a wedding that's an hour away in a single direction- I don't blame OP for not being all that thrilled about doing it, especially if she's not that close to this Bride. . . which she was called out to admit, she admitted, and then she got some shit for.

I love you all more than my luggage, but sheesh!

Sorry - I don't dole out advice based on "what the knot thinks." My advice is based on what I think and experience. I don't think OP needs an "excuse" to say no thanks to this wedding - she just needs to call the bride and simply say she can't do it anymore and leave it at that.

If she uses her baby, or the distance, or whatever as an excuse the bride could easily retort "but the baby is invited! Your parents could watch the baby! Your husband can watch the baby! It's not that far! I've driven farther!" etc making it even MORE awkward and difficult to back out, which is what the OP ultimately wants to do - regardless of the baby situation.

Yeah, that wasn't the point I was trying to make.

I'm not sure this applies to you, but my point was that in the past, members posting in this thread didn't seem to bat an eye when posters in similar situations posted about wanting to skip out on inconvenient weddings, so I was surprised that now the tune of the responses is a bit different.

I could be remembering things wrong, however.

lyndausvi

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

Jen4948

PoodleDoodleOoo said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

You guys are giving OP shit 6 ways to Sunday because she doesn't want to attend a wedding that is hugely fucking inconvenient for everyone- significant distance to the ceremony, then a 3 hour gap with a 1 hour drive time to reception- seriously?

Meanwhile most of us at one time or another have stated on these boards we wouldn't attend a wedding like this- @MobKaz just said in this thread she has declined such weddings in the past.

In the past haven't we advised other members to use their baby as a perfect out for situations like this, rather than pointing out directly how damn rude and inconvenient the Bride's wedding plans are? 

It's not always easy or convenient to haul an infant around, let alone to a wedding that's an hour away in a single direction- I don't blame OP for not being all that thrilled about doing it, especially if she's not that close to this Bride. . . which she was called out to admit, she admitted, and then she got some shit for.

I love you all more than my luggage, but sheesh!

Sorry - I don't dole out advice based on "what the knot thinks." My advice is based on what I think and experience. I don't think OP needs an "excuse" to say no thanks to this wedding - she just needs to call the bride and simply say she can't do it anymore and leave it at that.

If she uses her baby, or the distance, or whatever as an excuse the bride could easily retort "but the baby is invited! Your parents could watch the baby! Your husband can watch the baby! It's not that far! I've driven farther!" etc making it even MORE awkward and difficult to back out, which is what the OP ultimately wants to do - regardless of the baby situation.

Technically, that might be the case, but I think that since agreeing to be in someone else's WP is a major commitment, backing out without giving a reason would be a mean thing to do. So I think that the OP does need to give a reason and that it's okay for her to tell the bride that the gap means she can't make it to the whole thing.

ShesSoCold

I'm genuinely surprised at these responses.

I highly doubt if OP had said "Next year I am taking a cab to a wedding an hour away with a six hour gap, while leaving my child with a babysitter I don't know or trust and sitting on a street corner with my breast pump during the gap to do a reading for an old friend" that everyone would be all, "Good for you! Do whatever it takes!".

OP, you're fine. I don't think you're "making excuses" or not jumping through enough burning hoops for this old friend. You don't need to justify your feelings and the fact that this is inconvenient is enough. You're not doing anything wrong by declining to do a reading.

SaintPaulGal

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

This is my sentiment, too.  I have absolutely zero problem with the OP declining to be in or attend this wedding.  The gap is rude and inconvenient and you don't feel close to this person anyway.  If you want to skip it, skip it.  That's your call to make.

You COULD go, you just don't wanna.  And "don't wanna" is enough.  So enough with the disingenuous "woe is me" shit.  You can't go because you can't leave the baby in a hotel room alone?  Bullshit.  Of course you can't leave the baby alone in a hotel room.  So you do what literally every other parent out there does: you bring the kid with you or you hire a sitter or you have your husband watch the baby or any other perfectly normal, everyday solution.  It's like saying that you just can't go because you already took your shoes off--so just put them back on like everyone else.  This isn't a special snowflake situation.  It's just daily life.  A flimsy, made-up excuse just makes you look like a tool.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

She was sharing background info with us.

lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

She was sharing background info with us.

What I'm getting from the op that instead of just admitting to the bride they are no longer close, she would rather portray the brides as inconsiderate host as the reason she doesn't want to be the reader.  

I get it, it's much easier to "blame" the actions of others instead of just admitting you just do not like  or no longer close someone anymore.     It's hard to admit a friendship is over sometimes.  It's often easier to let the relationship die a slow death.  Make up excuses why you can't meet up with them, attend an event, whatever.       Even harder when all the sudden you've been asked to do something like be a reader at a wedding and now you feel obligated to say yes.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

She was sharing background info with us.

What I'm getting from the op that instead of just admitting to the bride they are no longer close, she would rather portray the brides as inconsiderate host as the reason she doesn't want to be the reader.  

I get it, it's much easier to "blame" the actions of others instead of just admitting you just do not like  or no longer close someone anymore.     It's hard to admit a friendship is over sometimes.  It's often easier to let the relationship die a slow death.  Make up excuses why you can't meet up with them, attend an event, whatever.       Even harder when all the sudden you've been asked to do something like be a reader at a wedding and now you feel obligated to say yes.

Sounds like a lot of assumptions are being made.

Fact of the matter is that the Bride IS  an inconsiderate host!  And that's a large part of why she doesn't want to do the reading. . . it's a pain in the ass to attend this ceremony, especially now that she'll have a baby.

The fact that the OP and Bride aren't close is just icing on the cake.

Every other time someone has posted having to be in a similar wedding or having to go to a similar wedding the chorus was always, "What assholes!  3 hour Gaps suck!  Shitty hosts!"

This is no different. . . but somehow it is?  I don't get it.

ShesSoCold

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

She was sharing background info with us.

What I'm getting from the op that instead of just admitting to the bride they are no longer close, she would rather portray the brides as inconsiderate host as the reason she doesn't want to be the reader.  

I get it, it's much easier to "blame" the actions of others instead of just admitting you just do not like  or no longer close someone anymore.     It's hard to admit a friendship is over sometimes.  It's often easier to let the relationship die a slow death.  Make up excuses why you can't meet up with them, attend an event, whatever.       Even harder when all the sudden you've been asked to do something like be a reader at a wedding and now you feel obligated to say yes.

Portray? So a six hour gap is now, in your opinion, perfectly considerate and proper hosting?

This is hugely inconvenient for OP to attend. I wouldn't attend this wedding for a close friend of family member (unless it was my sister) if I were OP. It's not about closing the door on a friendship, it's being unwilling to go that far out of your way for someone.

What happened to "invitations aren't summons"? Why is this different for OP?

PrettyGirlLost

SaintPaulGal said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

This is my sentiment, too.  I have absolutely zero problem with the OP declining to be in or attend this wedding.  The gap is rude and inconvenient and you don't feel close to this person anyway.  If you want to skip it, skip it.  That's your call to make.

You COULD go, you just don't wanna.  And "don't wanna" is enough.  So enough with the disingenuous "woe is me" shit.  You can't go because you can't leave the baby in a hotel room alone?  Bullshit.  Of course you can't leave the baby alone in a hotel room.  So you do what literally every other parent out there does: you bring the kid with you or you hire a sitter or you have your husband watch the baby or any other perfectly normal, everyday solution.  It's like saying that you just can't go because you already took your shoes off--so just put them back on like everyone else.  This isn't a special snowflake situation.  It's just daily life.  A flimsy, made-up excuse just makes you look like a tool.

1st bolded- I don't think this is a correct characterization of the OP at all.  

2nd bolded- Or you decline-  which is something other people on these boards have been told when in the same situations!  And it seems like that's what OP really wants to do, which is just fucking fine.

Where the fuck is Ashton Kutcher because I feel like I'm being punked.

SaintPaulGal

PrettyGirlLost said:

SaintPaulGal said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

This is my sentiment, too.  I have absolutely zero problem with the OP declining to be in or attend this wedding.  The gap is rude and inconvenient and you don't feel close to this person anyway.  If you want to skip it, skip it.  That's your call to make.

You COULD go, you just don't wanna.  And "don't wanna" is enough.  So enough with the disingenuous "woe is me" shit.  You can't go because you can't leave the baby in a hotel room alone?  Bullshit.  Of course you can't leave the baby alone in a hotel room.  So you do what literally every other parent out there does: you bring the kid with you or you hire a sitter or you have your husband watch the baby or any other perfectly normal, everyday solution.  It's like saying that you just can't go because you already took your shoes off--so just put them back on like everyone else.  This isn't a special snowflake situation.  It's just daily life.  A flimsy, made-up excuse just makes you look like a tool.

1st bolded- I don't think this is a correct characterization of the OP at all.  

2nd bolded- Or you decline-  which is something other people on these boards have been told when in the same situations!  And it seems like that's what OP really wants to do, which is just fucking fine.

Where the fuck is Ashton Kutcher because I feel like I'm being punked.

Absolutely!  Totally!  Decline!  It's NOT a summons!  In fact, I even said in the post that you quoted,  "I have absolutely zero problem with the OP declining to be in or attend this wedding.  The gap is rude and inconvenient and you don't feel close to this person anyway.  If you want to skip it, skip it.  That's your call to make."

So decline away!  If you don't want to go, don't go!  It's the fatalistic "but I caaaaaan't go because [non-special circumstances that in no way prevent her from going]" that I find obnoxious.

MobKaz

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

She was sharing background info with us.

What I'm getting from the op that instead of just admitting to the bride they are no longer close, she would rather portray the brides as inconsiderate host as the reason she doesn't want to be the reader.  

I get it, it's much easier to "blame" the actions of others instead of just admitting you just do not like  or no longer close someone anymore.     It's hard to admit a friendship is over sometimes.  It's often easier to let the relationship die a slow death.  Make up excuses why you can't meet up with them, attend an event, whatever.       Even harder when all the sudden you've been asked to do something like be a reader at a wedding and now you feel obligated to say yes.

A 3 hour gap is an absolutely perfect definition of an inconsiderate host.

cowgirl8238

@prettygirllost and @addiecake

You are both correct...the act of backing out is not a friendship ender...I just crossed that with the idea of kicking someone out when I first responded.  I didn't amend the original post but I replied earlier today that it was an oversight on my part, so my bad there. 

I do still feel like some people take backing out differently than others though and in the context that I gathered from the OP it seemed like her backing out could further damage the friendship they had, I think that's where my yesterday brain got the crossed wires from. 

PrettyGirlLost

SaintPaulGal said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

SaintPaulGal said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

This is my sentiment, too.  I have absolutely zero problem with the OP declining to be in or attend this wedding.  The gap is rude and inconvenient and you don't feel close to this person anyway.  If you want to skip it, skip it.  That's your call to make.

You COULD go, you just don't wanna.  And "don't wanna" is enough.  So enough with the disingenuous "woe is me" shit.  You can't go because you can't leave the baby in a hotel room alone?  Bullshit.  Of course you can't leave the baby alone in a hotel room.  So you do what literally every other parent out there does: you bring the kid with you or you hire a sitter or you have your husband watch the baby or any other perfectly normal, everyday solution.  It's like saying that you just can't go because you already took your shoes off--so just put them back on like everyone else.  This isn't a special snowflake situation.  It's just daily life.  A flimsy, made-up excuse just makes you look like a tool.

1st bolded- I don't think this is a correct characterization of the OP at all.  

2nd bolded- Or you decline-  which is something other people on these boards have been told when in the same situations!  And it seems like that's what OP really wants to do, which is just fucking fine.

Where the fuck is Ashton Kutcher because I feel like I'm being punked.

Absolutely!  Totally!  Decline!  It's NOT a summons!  In fact, I even said in the post that you quoted,  "I have absolutely zero problem with the OP declining to be in or attend this wedding.  The gap is rude and inconvenient and you don't feel close to this person anyway.  If you want to skip it, skip it.  That's your call to make."

So decline away!  If you don't want to go, don't go!  It's the fatalistic "but I caaaaaan't go because [non-special circumstances that in no way prevent her from going]" that I find obnoxious.

This is all on you- you're projecting things onto what the OP is saying.  I don't think you're the only one.

I don't think anything she said came across as whining, or woe is me, or anything other than statements of facts as background to her post.  She never said she couldn't go because of the baby, or the drive, or the gap, she was just intimating that those things complicate her going and are inconvenient, which makes her want to attend less, given that this isn't a close friend.

If she had said she couldn't go because her poodle was being groomed that day, that would be obnoxious.

SaintPaulGal

Oh, and I see that in the retelling this has become a "six hour gap."  The ceremony is a church service at 2 PM.  Figure that wraps up around 3 PM.  Since the reception is distant from the church, people arrive at the second location around 4 PM.  That leaves a 2 hour gap before the reception begins at 6.  Still rude.  Still obnoxious.  Still not okay.  But also not exactly 6 hours of time to kill. 

ShesSoCold

SaintPaulGal said:

Oh, and I see that in the retelling this has become a "six hour gap."  The ceremony is a church service at 2 PM.  Figure that wraps up around 3 PM.  Since the reception is distant from the church, people arrive at the second location around 4 PM.  That leaves a 2 hour gap before the reception begins at 6.  Still rude.  Still obnoxious.  Still not okay.  But also not exactly 6 hours of time to kill. 

My mistake, I misread/remembered. But I agree with your bolded and my points are still the same.

lyndausvi

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

The OP was looking for advice on how to handle this.    Advice was given and she had an excuse why every one suggested wouldn't work.    Which is not surprising since she stated she really didn't want to attend.   IME, people who have already decided they don't want to do something rarely look at advice objectively.  They will always have reason why it will not work.

By the time I posted I'm like just decline already.   You don't want to go so DON'T!

Fact is people with babies attended weddings all the time.  Some are able to bring their baby, others need to find a babysitter.  But they make it work.  

People find ways to attend weddings with a gap.  They just do. FOR ME attending my close family/friend's wedding outweigh a gap.   I certainly do not fault people who do not think the same way.   Non-close family/friends weddings with a gap?    Meh, it really depends on what else I have going on.  Certainly will not bend over backwards like close family/friends.  (I'm also one who doesn't think only attending the reception is a horrible thing, especially when it applies towards gaps.)    

The OP could just do the reading and go home.  She could attend only the reception.  Neither are ideal, but are very doable if wanted.

There are indeed ways to make things work, but there is nothing wrong with just saying "we are not close anymore and I do not want to do the reading anymore".

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS (though we are no longer close at all), do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing? (honestly, this is what I'd like to do, but would feel bad seeing as she attended my wedding last year.  I know weddings aren't "tit for tat.")

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

The OP was looking for advice on how to handle this.    Advice was given and she had an excuse why every one suggested wouldn't work.    Which is not surprising since she stated she really didn't want to attend.   IME, people who have already decided they don't want to do something rarely look at advice objectively.  They will always have reason why it will not work.

By the time I posted I'm like just decline already.   You don't want to go so DON'T!

Fact is people with babies attended weddings all the time.  Some are able to bring their baby, others need to find a babysitter.  But they make it work.  

People find ways to attend weddings with a gap.  They just do. FOR ME attending my close family/friend's wedding outweigh a gap.   I certainly do not fault people who do not think the same way.   Non-close family/friends weddings with a gap?    Meh, it really depends on what else I have going on.  Certainly will not bend over backwards like close family/friends.  (I'm also one who doesn't think only attending the reception is a horrible thing, especially when it applies towards gaps.)    

The OP could just do the reading and go home.  She could attend only the reception.  Neither are ideal, but are very doable if wanted.

There are indeed ways to make things work, but there is nothing wrong with just saying "we are not close anymore and I do not want to do the reading anymore".

I was waiting for someone to bring this up.

You (collective) proposed solutions, and then the OP responded with reasons why thus and such wouldn't work for her.  Her answers are not automatically excuses, but it seems you and others are just choosing to read them as excuses because you all seem stuck on the fact that she isn't close to this bride.

Had the OP posted like this, I'm pretty sure your responses would have been different:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing?

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

Fact is that people with babies decline weddings all the time.  Not everyone wants to haul a child to a wedding, wants to deal with trying to keep them quiet and entertained during a boring ceremony, has access to sitters, the finances for sitters, wants to use a sitter, wants to ask another person to travel with them just to sit in a hotel room to watch the child just so they can go to a wedding, has anyone willing to travel to a wedding just to sit in a hotel room to watch the other person's child, etc. 

Lots of people refuse to attend weddings with gaps.  Lots of people decline weddings for reasons, period.

We don't judge these people for those choices but the implied tone of many of the responses here is that OP is somehow in the wrong for not wanting to attend a really fucking inconvenient wedding for reasons.

I'm not trying to be shitty with my tone here, I'm just frankly baffled.

DrillSergeantCat

I think for a lot of women, it's second nature to want to immediately apologize if we even think we've offended someone. I kind of feel like that's what OP is doing here. She's worried that she's going to offend the bride and wanting her apology beforehand. If I were her, I'd worry that saying "We're just not close anymore so I'm not coming" would be hurtful and I wouldn't want to say it. It is truthful to say "It's inconvenient for me because of the baby." That way she doesn't hurt the bride's feelings and the remnants of their friendship, however small, still remain.

This is purely me projecting my feelings.

PrettyGirlLost

DrillSergeantCat said:

I think for a lot of women, it's second nature to want to immediately apologize if we even think we've offended someone. I kind of feel like that's what OP is doing here. She's worried that she's going to offend the bride and wanting her apology beforehand. If I were her, I'd worry that saying "We're just not close anymore so I'm not coming" would be hurtful and I wouldn't want to say it. It is truthful to say "It's inconvenient for me because of the baby." That way she doesn't hurt the bride's feelings and the remnants of their friendship, however small, still remain.

This is purely me projecting my feelings.

Yeah, pretty sure that would not go over well at all.

She can say, "It's inconvenient for me because of the baby" and just leave it at that as long as she doesn't attempt to JADE when her friend responds with solutions to her quandary similar to those offered by posters here. 

JADE is- Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining.  This is a good concept to apply to all aspects of life where you don't want to do something, your answer is no, etc.  Not JADE-ing is really what bean dipping actually is in practice.

"Sorry, It's inconvenient for me because of the baby."

But just bring him!

"Sorry, It's inconvenient for me because of the baby."

But your husband can watch him while you are reading!

"So sorry, but it's inconvenient for me because of the baby.  We'll have to catch up after the wedding."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

I was waiting for someone to bring this up.

You (collective) proposed solutions, and then the OP responded with reasons why thus and such wouldn't work for her.  Her answers are not automatically excuses, but it seems you and others are just choosing to read them as excuses because you all seem stuck on the fact that she isn't close to this bride.

Had the OP posted like this, I'm pretty sure your responses would have been different:

Iamnowmrsjms said:

Hi, knotties!

Long time lurker, infrequent poster here.

I got married last Sept and had a good friend from HS do a reading in my ceremony.  She is getting married next year and asked me to do a reading at her wedding (via a FB message last year).  I said, "of course.  I would love to!" Stupid me, before finding out any details.

I just found out that the church ceremony is at 2 pm w a 6 pm reception (no cocktail hour, 45 min-1 hr drive time).  I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant (had just found out when she asked me to do the reading and hadn't told anyone yet), and will have a an almost 6 month old (w/o anyone to babysit him, as my parents are going to the wedding and IL's are out of state) when her wedding comes up in April. 

We don't live close enough to the church to stop home for a few hours to kill time before the reception and won't be staying overnight in a hotel since we'll have a baby.

Looking for advice on how to handle this? Attend the ceremony only, do the reading and skip the reception? Only attend the reception? Skip the entire thing?

Any advice is appreciated. TIA!

Fact is that people with babies decline weddings all the time.  Not everyone wants to haul a child to a wedding, wants to deal with trying to keep them quiet and entertained during a boring ceremony, has access to sitters, the finances for sitters, wants to use a sitter, wants to ask another person to travel with them just to sit in a hotel room to watch the child just so they can go to a wedding, has anyone willing to travel to a wedding just to sit in a hotel room to watch the other person's child, etc. 

Lots of people refuse to attend weddings with gaps.  Lots of people decline weddings for reasons, period.

We don't judge these people for those choices but the implied tone of many of the responses here is that OP is somehow in the wrong for not wanting to attend a really fucking inconvenient wedding for reasons.

I'm not trying to be shitty with my tone here, I'm just frankly baffled.

Nope, not at all.  I said from the get go decline. I do not judge her for not wanting to go.    I totally understand.  I myself have declined invitations for much less legitimate reasons.

However, I do judge people who ask for advice on how to make something work then has an excuse on why it will not work.   

Let's face it there are only so many options out there.   Bring kid. Find a babysitter. Find a ride and let dad take care of kid.  Only attend the ceremony.  Only attend the reception.  Think outside the box and ask a family/friend from OOT to come in (people in my circle do that all the time) to watch the kid.    

Outside of telling her to demand the bride get rid of the gap do you really think she was going to take any advice on how it could work?     She said in her OP she prefers not to attend.  She is no longer close to this person.   She only feels obligated to attend since the bride was at her wedding a year ago.

 Why pretend to look for ways to make it work if you really don't want to go anyway?    JUST DON'T GO.    It might be awkward to tell a now-not-close-friend you do not want to do the reading/attend the wedding, but that's life sometimes.

flantastic

LOL to sitting with a pump on a street corner, @ShesSoCold. Not that far off. She doesn't want to go, because it's terribly fucking inconvenient, not just because she they're not close. She also doesn't want to directly say either of those to the bride. Her "excuses" were responses to people making up also-inconvenient solutions clarifying why they are also-inconvenient solutions. Yes, of course she could go - why are we fixating on the phrasing of whether it's truly possible? Lots of us use the phrase "I can't do that" in that way - e.g. "I can't take the vacation time" when what we mean is "It would be horribly inconvenient for me to take vacation time and it's not worth it to me."

OP, I get being in the position of about to have a baby, never done this before, and honestly not knowing what traveling with or without said baby would entail at 6 months. I think you're probably overworrying about it - you'll figure it out, and it could be done - but your gut is right that it would be a big hassle, and you don't want to go through it, and shouldn't have to.

"Bride, I wanted to give you a heads up as early as possible - I know I said a while ago that I would do a reading for your ceremony, but husband and I have discussed it (eliminates "but your husband could..." response), and between caring for the baby and the gap between ceremony and reception, it won't be possible (that door is closed) for us to attend your wedding/attend both parts."

PrettyGirlLost

flantastic said:

LOL to sitting with a pump on a street corner, @ShesSoCold. Not that far off. She doesn't want to go, because it's terribly fucking inconvenient, not just because she they're not close. She also doesn't want to directly say either of those to the bride. Her "excuses" were responses to people making up also-inconvenient solutions clarifying why they are also-inconvenient solutions. Yes, of course she could go - why are we fixating on the phrasing of whether it's truly possible? Lots of us use the phrase "I can't do that" in that way - e.g. "I can't take the vacation time" when what we mean is "It would be horribly inconvenient for me to take vacation time and it's not worth it to me."

OP, I get being in the position of about to have a baby, never done this before, and honestly not knowing what traveling with or without said baby would entail at 6 months. I think you're probably overworrying about it - you'll figure it out, and it could be done - but your gut is right that it would be a big hassle, and you don't want to go through it, and shouldn't have to.

"Bride, I wanted to give you a heads up as early as possible - I know I said a while ago that I would do a reading for your ceremony, but husband and I have discussed it (eliminates "but your husband could..." response), and between caring for the baby and the gap between ceremony and reception, it won't be possible (that door is closed) for us to attend your wedding/attend both parts."

Thank you!

DrillSergeantCat

flantastic said:

"Bride, I wanted to give you a heads up as early as possible - I know I said a while ago that I would do a reading for your ceremony, but husband and I have discussed it (eliminates "but your husband could..." response), and between caring for the baby and the gap between ceremony and reception, it won't be possible (that door is closed) for us to attend your wedding/attend both parts."

Perfect.