Is it OK to back out?

charlotte989875

DrillSergeantCat said:

flantastic said:

"Bride, I wanted to give you a heads up as early as possible - I know I said a while ago that I would do a reading for your ceremony, but husband and I have discussed it (eliminates "but your husband could..." response), and between caring for the baby and the gap between ceremony and reception, it won't be possible (that door is closed) for us to attend your wedding/attend both parts."

Perfect.

But isn't it also rude to point out people's etiquette mistakes? I know I've seen that used around here a lot.

The bride planned poorly, and people may decline because of that (OP included). It's perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation, any invitation, for any reason, and that does not need to be communicated to the host.

I guess I don't understand the need to point out to the bride why the event is so inconvenient (which I completely agree that it is), when it saves the discussion of etiquette mistakes, of having the host try and find solutions/offering help, if the OP really just doesn't want to go.

OP, if you don't want to go (for whatever reason, not close/inconvenient/baby) I would amend the above language to say,

"Bride, I wanted to give you a heads up as early as possible - I know I said a while ago that I would do a reading for your ceremony, but husband and I have discussed it and it won't be possible  for us to attend your wedding/attend both parts."

It closes the conversation about possible remedies because you're not giving reasons why you're not attending, and apologizes for previously accepting. Done.

PrettyGirlLost

charlotte989875 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

flantastic said:

"Bride, I wanted to give you a heads up as early as possible - I know I said a while ago that I would do a reading for your ceremony, but husband and I have discussed it (eliminates "but your husband could..." response), and between caring for the baby and the gap between ceremony and reception, it won't be possible (that door is closed) for us to attend your wedding/attend both parts."

Perfect.

But isn't it also rude to point out people's etiquette mistakes? I know I've seen that used around here a lot.

Personally, no.  I dont subscribe to this belief.  Many times with weddings people do the same things that have always been done in their social circles, without ever realizing something is actually considered rude outside their circle.  So if no one ever tells them it's rude, the cycle repeats.

There's always a tactful way to make such a statement. . .I believe it's one of the reasons the phrase, "We'll bless your heart" was invented.

scribe95 said:

Not sure those close the conversation. The obvious reaction from anyone is why? And I frankly think a why is necessary when you agreed to be in a wedding and are backing out. Way different than just a general invite as a guest. 

***SIB***

Why is never necessary, you never need to justify your actions or reasons to ppl.  Just say No and don't JADE.

Especially when there's a chance ppl won't just accept your reasoning and move on. . .you guys were a prime example of that in this thread.

Flan's suggested response is fine, imo.  Most ppl usually get that when you have a newborn a lot of shit becomes inconvenient for you and don't question it.

If the Bride starts throwing out the Buts or suggestions OP should just keep apologizing and bean dipping.  No explanations.

SP29

SITB

I'm with PLG in this- posters tell people all the time to decline because something is inconvenient due to be poorly hosted. There are lots of times people say, "I can't" which means either "it's not worth my effort" or "I don't want to". Similar to the word "no", it is not a four letter word (well can't is :P). I think OP is feeling guilty for backing out and looking to apologize, which she doesn't need to.

OP- I would use flantastics wording. You can back out- but do it now. You do not need to feel guilty about it. Make the decision and own it. People's relationships and lives change. I don't think telling her that traveling with a baby to an extended event is not possible for you needs to be an friendship ending move.


charlotte989875 said:

But isn't it also rude to point out people's etiquette mistakes? I know I've seen that used around here a lot.

Yes and no. I think there is a difference between saying, "Bride, your gap is so rude!" and saying, "I am sorry Bride, but the gap between your ceremony and reception makes it unable for us to attend". To me, the second is stating a fact- you have created a gap in your event, we have no where to go and nothing to do.

charlotte989875

SP29 said:

SITB

I'm with PLG in this- posters tell people all the time to decline because something is inconvenient due to be poorly hosted. There are lots of times people say, "I can't" which means either "it's not worth my effort" or "I don't want to". Similar to the word "no", it is not a four letter word (well can't is :P). I think OP is feeling guilty for backing out and looking to apologize, which she doesn't need to.

OP- I would use flantastics wording. You can back out- but do it now. You do not need to feel guilty about it. Make the decision and own it. People's relationships and lives change. I don't think telling her that traveling with a baby to an extended event is not possible for you needs to be an friendship ending move.


charlotte989875 said:

But isn't it also rude to point out people's etiquette mistakes? I know I've seen that used around here a lot.

Yes and no. I think there is a difference between saying, "Bride, your gap is so rude!" and saying, "I am sorry Bride, but the gap between your ceremony and reception makes it unable for us to attend". To me, the second is stating a fact- you have created a gap in your event, we have no where to go and nothing to do.

Fair enough. I do still think it's sets up the chance that the bride tries to "fix" the situation, and if OP is considering going if the gap was somehow fixed (or the bride offers somewhere for her to stay, or whatever) then I think that's fine. But if she just plain doesn't want to go, I still don't think there's a need to point out the "why". 

themosthappy91

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, it's the hemming and hawing that annoys me.


I'm fine with people saying it's not convenient, the gap, the 6 month old, whatever, but the OP doesn't need all the justification.  She isn't close to this person anymore.   Tell the bride and move on.  Why make up excuses that could be solved?    

No longer being close and not wanting to be a reader are good enough reasons to back out.  No need to bring up the other stuff.

She was sharing background info with us.

This. Sometimes I see this kind of mentality on here- the "She provided too much information so I read that as her making excuses/having something to hide/protesting too much" line of thinking- and it really makes me think people are looking for something to pick apart the OP for.

Posters get snarked at when they don't provide every necessary detail up front ("We can only answer based on what you told us, it seems like you're backpedaling now etc.") and when they try to fully explain their thinking upfront they get snarked at for being "woe is me" or overly defensive. Sometimes it feels like no one can win.

OP probably included all the myriad reasons she is leaning towards not attending because any one of them by itself wouldn't have been enough to dissuade her from going. It's the fact that she feels like the friendship is fading AND having a new baby AND the issue of the gap AND the distance all together that have made her not feel up to it... I don't get why she is only allowed to have one "real" reason and everything else is just an "excuse.

SP29

charlotte989875 said:

SP29 said:

SITB

I'm with PLG in this- posters tell people all the time to decline because something is inconvenient due to be poorly hosted. There are lots of times people say, "I can't" which means either "it's not worth my effort" or "I don't want to". Similar to the word "no", it is not a four letter word (well can't is :P). I think OP is feeling guilty for backing out and looking to apologize, which she doesn't need to.

OP- I would use flantastics wording. You can back out- but do it now. You do not need to feel guilty about it. Make the decision and own it. People's relationships and lives change. I don't think telling her that traveling with a baby to an extended event is not possible for you needs to be an friendship ending move.


charlotte989875 said:

But isn't it also rude to point out people's etiquette mistakes? I know I've seen that used around here a lot.

Yes and no. I think there is a difference between saying, "Bride, your gap is so rude!" and saying, "I am sorry Bride, but the gap between your ceremony and reception makes it unable for us to attend". To me, the second is stating a fact- you have created a gap in your event, we have no where to go and nothing to do.

Fair enough. I do still think it's sets up the chance that the bride tries to "fix" the situation, and if OP is considering going if the gap was somehow fixed (or the bride offers somewhere for her to stay, or whatever) then I think that's fine. But if she just plain doesn't want to go, I still don't think there's a need to point out the "why". 

I do agree with you here. When you provide a reason if can give the other person a chance to come up with a "solution" that the OP might not want. OP might want to stick with something more simple like, "Bride, we are unable to travel to an extended event with an infant". I just don't think it would be rude for someone to say, "Host, you've created an unfortunate situation for us with your planning" (whatever that may be).

I think in reality, the Bride might ask why, but OP should just repeat her initial decline, "It is not possible for us to attend".

CMGragain

When declining an invitation, it is not necessary to state the reason.  You simply say that you are unable to attend.
The OP needs to change her acceptance to be a reader.  She is not required to be specific about her reasons.  If she had waited until the last minute to do this, it would be a problem for the bride, but she has not done this.  The bride (who was silly to have chosen her wedding party and participants this early) won't have a problem finding another reader.

For the record, my baby girl projectile vomited on everybody who came near her for the first 5 months.  NOBODY wanted to hold her!  Babysitter were hard to find.