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Buying a Home

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Re: Buying a Home

  • I appreciate everyone's responses. 

    Yes we have talked to a lender, financing the house is not an issue. No, I don't really want 30 acres, or the work maintaining 30 acres takes. I'm outdoorsy, want horses and chickens and a little garden, but my parents have all of that on the 2.3 acres they live on now. I would be happy on 2-5, any more than that is overkill to me, but I'm willing to go bigger if the price is right and I like the house. H wants all he can get his hands on so long as the house is livable. 

    We do already have a decent down payment amount saved up, selling the house would just double it. We had, until this place showed up, agreed on the approximate square footage, how many bedrooms/bathrooms, and the approximate look we were going for and how much work we were willing to put into it. This blew it all out of the water, and boy is he pissed at me for not wanting it.

    Compromise is key here, I know, but he is unrelenting in his insistence that my reasons don't make sense and is convinced he can persuade me to like it. He accuses me of not caring about what's important to him so long as I get a cute house, when I do look for things he wants like trees and outbuildings and fencing. He said it's clearly going to be my way or the highway when I have repeatedly said we should keep looking until we find a place we both love. He thinks needing to like the house even a little is a short sighted requirement because houses can be fixed to look any way you like. He picks at every house I do like and demands to know why this one and not that one, and says I'm inconsistent and a liar. Because I liked a colonial style house which is boxy but do not like the boxy look of this house. Because I liked a vinyl sided house once when most houses I liked were brick means I'm changing my mind and can't be relied on.

    He has yelled, snapped, hung up on me.  He's actually not coming home tonight because I said he was being manipulative and borderline verbally abusive with all his tantrums, and he was so offended he can't even look at me, so there we are. Home buying sucks, and right now, so does my H, because I would so not act this way if the tables were turned. 
  • His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited September 2016
    His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him. 
    Buying a house is one of the most stressful things one can do.  (The other would be having a child.)  If you are having these troubles in your relationship, now is not a good time to buy a new house.

    A lovely young couple bought the house next door to us.  One year later they divorced, and lost money selling the house.  It was so very sad.
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    ei34SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him. 
    Do not buy a house. You called him abusive because he is abusive. Don't buy anything unless and until that is resolved. Unless it is your own apt to live in without him. 
    ei34SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm going to echo PPS.    DH and I don't always agree but your DH'S attitude is not one I would be able to deal with over and over again.  
    SP29
  • Ugh hugs to you OP. We thought about buying a new house last year or early this year and he was gung ho about building but I just knew that it would cause too much stress because our ideas (read: budgets) are vastly different and I knew it would lead to issues. I didn't feel like we were strong enough to deal with it and now with a baby on the way I just said nope we will stay put. I dread the idea of house shopping with him because we just don't see eye-to-eye on the must haves and what compromises can be made. 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him. 
    I'll be honest. Between all your posts including these about house buying, his attitude and treatment of you, and the ones you posted related to pregnancy and fertility things, I wouldn't dream of buying a new house with him. Things would be on hold so fast, and we'd be increasing our counseling together and individually. I would never be with someone who has this many red flags. And I wouldn't go into buying another property with them. 
    I would not incur the debt that is a mortgage nor plan on bringing kids into the mix with your H if he has a history of this behavior and it's escalating. 

    I don't think he's living in reality, either.  Like a PP mentioned, with 30 acres, two ponds and all those out buildings you are going to need a lot of money to buy the equipment necessary to maintain the land and the buildings.  And you're going to need a lot of time or else even more money to hire people to manage everything for you.

    Now add in the monetary and time costs of potential children. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    labroTheMostHappy15emmaaaSTARMOON44
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Sending hugs your way. Home buying IS crazy-stressful. We did that this past spring. But my experience, stressful as it was, doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as yours. I echo the thoughts of the others- put the plan on hold, get more counseling. 
    ________________________________


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