Buying a Home

NavyBlue143 · September 2016

I appreciate everyone's responses.

Yes we have talked to a lender, financing the house is not an issue. No, I don't really want 30 acres, or the work maintaining 30 acres takes. I'm outdoorsy, want horses and chickens and a little garden, but my parents have all of that on the 2.3 acres they live on now. I would be happy on 2-5, any more than that is overkill to me, but I'm willing to go bigger if the price is right and I like the house. H wants all he can get his hands on so long as the house is livable.

We do already have a decent down payment amount saved up, selling the house would just double it. We had, until this place showed up, agreed on the approximate square footage, how many bedrooms/bathrooms, and the approximate look we were going for and how much work we were willing to put into it. This blew it all out of the water, and boy is he pissed at me for not wanting it.

Compromise is key here, I know, but he is unrelenting in his insistence that my reasons don't make sense and is convinced he can persuade me to like it. He accuses me of not caring about what's important to him so long as I get a cute house, when I do look for things he wants like trees and outbuildings and fencing. He said it's clearly going to be my way or the highway when I have repeatedly said we should keep looking until we find a place we both love. He thinks needing to like the house even a little is a short sighted requirement because houses can be fixed to look any way you like. He picks at every house I do like and demands to know why this one and not that one, and says I'm inconsistent and a liar. Because I liked a colonial style house which is boxy but do not like the boxy look of this house. Because I liked a vinyl sided house once when most houses I liked were brick means I'm changing my mind and can't be relied on.

He has yelled, snapped, hung up on me. He's actually not coming home tonight because I said he was being manipulative and borderline verbally abusive with all his tantrums, and he was so offended he can't even look at me, so there we are. Home buying sucks, and right now, so does my H, because I would so not act this way if the tables were turned.

ShesSoCold · September 2016

Wow. I'm really sorry. If I were you I'd be putting all this on the back burner and couples counseling right there in front. This is not okay.

He sounds like a pissy teenager who was told he can't go to a party so he's making his mom's life hell.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

Wow, well maybe I'm reading more into your follow up, or maybe you're just venting/blowing off steam, but there are some big red flags there. Refusing to come home, verbal abuse (if he is that's terrible, if you're just telling him that he's doing that, that's also not good), calling you a liar, you calling him manipulative; all of these are potentially big problems. And I'm not trying to judge, I'm not in your shoes, and can only read what you put out there, but sounds like you two could use some help finding solutions not just to the house question, but on how to handle big disappointment and how to "fight fair".

NavyBlue143 · September 2016

His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him.

redwoodoriginal · September 2016

NavyBlue143 said:

His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him.

I'll be honest. Between all your posts including these about house buying, his attitude and treatment of you, and the ones you posted related to pregnancy and fertility things, I wouldn't dream of buying a new house with him. Things would be on hold so fast, and we'd be increasing our counseling together and individually. I would never be with someone who has this many red flags. And I wouldn't go into buying another property with them.

CMGragain · September 2016

NavyBlue143 said:

His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him.

Buying a house is one of the most stressful things one can do. (The other would be having a child.) If you are having these troubles in your relationship, now is not a good time to buy a new house.

A lovely young couple bought the house next door to us. One year later they divorced, and lost money selling the house. It was so very sad.

STARMOON44 · September 2016

NavyBlue143 said:

His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him.

Do not buy a house. You called him abusive because he is abusive. Don't buy anything unless and until that is resolved. Unless it is your own apt to live in without him.

TheMostHappy15 · September 2016

So reading this thread and glancing through your other posts on here... I'm sorry OP, your H does not sound like a great guy. I know this is probably super hard to hear, but in your shoes I'd be considering separation at this point.

I have lots of idea about how you can rationally try to make your H see that this huge property is a terrible idea- for example, you could ask him to do a bunch of research and come up with a concrete budget and timeline for how much you'll have to spend over how many years in order to both redo the house to your specifications and set up all of his many hobbies around the property (plus don't forget to account for the equipment necessary just to maintain the land itself).

But honestly? I don't think your H is going to respond to any amount of logic or rationality. He is so far past that he has convinced himself that you are the one who is being unreasonable, when he is the one who has gone back on everything you previously agreed on wanting and is unwilling to discuss any other house without comparing it disparagingly to this one. I mean this in the literal, formal sense- he sounds like he is delusional.

I think your best course of action is to be brief and firm on this subject from now on- "I will not agree to buying a home that I do not like at all. I'm sorry if you don't understand why I feel that way, but it's not up for discussion. Until you can look at other houses without bringing up this one we are putting this process on pause, because I'm not going to discuss or consider this house any further."

But really your actual best course of action is to get into some counseling and figure out if you can stand to live the rest of your live with a man this childish, selfish, and manipulative.

banana468 · September 2016

I'm going to echo PPS. DH and I don't always agree but your DH'S attitude is not one I would be able to deal with over and over again.

levioosa · September 2016

SO and I just bought a house. We officially close on Thursday. It was stressful. For sure. SO has been waking up in the middle of the night super stressed...when he's been able to sleep. We've had disagreements. Our design styles are vastly, vastly different. We've had disagreements about what is realistic for our budget. But I have never felt like I am being abused, invalidated, or manipulated. We've compromised. We've talked about it as respectful adults.

You have huge red flags here. If the anger issues have been escalating, that is not only in itself a red flag that merits putting all plans on the back burner and reevaluating the relationship itself, but it also means they will continue to escalate as you go through one of the most stressful experiences of the average couples' life. If SO called me a liar, if he called me inconsistent and unreliable....our relationship would be over. Because that's not healthy, and I refuse to be with someone who doesn't value me, or trust me and trust the input I provide. And I refuse to be with someone who is verbally abusive. Put all of these plans on hold, and go to counseling individually, and as a couple.

climbingsingle · September 2016

My husband and I have been renovating our house since last year. It's one of the most stressful things ever. We have been doing 90% of the work ourselves (on top of our full times jobs). We went without a kitchen for 7 months. All of our clothes are in bins. I can't find anything. At one point, we were sleeping in the downstairs living room for 2 weeks.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't put a strain on our marriage. There were many times we disagreed (color of cabinets, type of stone for counters, color of floor stain). We both had to compromise to come to a solution that we were both happy with. And now that we're sort of close to being done, it's actually brought us closer. We went into battle together, and came out perfectly fine.

What you're describing is emotional abuse. And you're only just looking at houses. You haven't even gotten to the hard shit yet. Please, please get yourselves into therapy. Do not buy a house with him. If my husband had treated me like that during our renovation, I would have been packing my bags.

kvruns · September 2016

Ugh hugs to you OP. We thought about buying a new house last year or early this year and he was gung ho about building but I just knew that it would cause too much stress because our ideas (read: budgets) are vastly different and I knew it would lead to issues. I didn't feel like we were strong enough to deal with it and now with a baby on the way I just said nope we will stay put. I dread the idea of house shopping with him because we just don't see eye-to-eye on the must haves and what compromises can be made.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2016

redwoodoriginal said:

NavyBlue143 said:

His anger issues and how he talks to me have long been an issue with us. He has been in counseling, we both have, to work on it. For awhile it was much better, but lately it's escalating, and all of my friends have noticed. My parents have noticed. I didn't call him abusive to hurt him, I did it because he was being abusive and acting as though not feeling a property was right for us was some sort of sin against him.

I'll be honest. Between all your posts including these about house buying, his attitude and treatment of you, and the ones you posted related to pregnancy and fertility things, I wouldn't dream of buying a new house with him. Things would be on hold so fast, and we'd be increasing our counseling together and individually. I would never be with someone who has this many red flags. And I wouldn't go into buying another property with them.

I would not incur the debt that is a mortgage nor plan on bringing kids into the mix with your H if he has a history of this behavior and it's escalating.

I don't think he's living in reality, either. Like a PP mentioned, with 30 acres, two ponds and all those out buildings you are going to need a lot of money to buy the equipment necessary to maintain the land and the buildings. And you're going to need a lot of time or else even more money to hire people to manage everything for you.

Now add in the monetary and time costs of potential children. . .

thisismynickname2 · September 2016

Sending hugs your way. Home buying IS crazy-stressful. We did that this past spring. But my experience, stressful as it was, doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as yours. I echo the thoughts of the others- put the plan on hold, get more counseling.

Buying a Home

Re: Buying a Home

Choose Another Board

Search Boards