Wedding Etiquette Forum

Plus One Drama at Small Venue

2

Re: Plus One Drama at Small Venue

  • JoanE2012 said:
    Raven said:
    I have a fear of having too small a venue. Mine holds approximately 500. I've invited slightly over 200 and I need the additional space for uninvited guests that are likely to turn up. In african/caribbean culture, it is normal for MANY more people to turn up than is actually invited. Basically guests bring people with them. My Nigerian friend recently got married, he invited 300 and 500 people turned up. To OP: It's always better to have a little extra room because it reduces the stress for you.
    Where do the uninvited sit and what do they eat?  You obviously wouldn't set out enough tables for double the guests or order double the food.  Or do you?

    It's very important for me to use venues and wedding planners that have held caribbean/african weddings because they understand how the culture works. A lot of 'normal' English venues are not used to this sort of set-up and would be completely unprepared for a sudden influx of people. So I've focused my venue hunt on asian/ethnic wedding venues because they know how the culture works and it makes it easier for me to plan. The venue I found includes cutlery/glassware in the hire price so I have access to cutlery for up to 600 people. About the food - traditionally african/caribbean weddings are buffets because it's easier to feed people. If I had a traditional english sit-down meal, you pay per plate. So if I pay for 200 plates of food and 400 turn up, I'm stuck. I'll pay for a buffet for about either 300- 400 people, and since the buffet comes with different choices, I can provide food for a lot of people. I'll set the tables for about maybe 250 and if more people come, more seats can be added to the tables very easily. I can use the cocktail hour to see if more people come to the wedding which will help me decide whether to add more chairs. All my wedding planners are black/asian or have been involved in african weddings before. This helps me because they know exactly what to do. I wouldn't hire someone without experience with the culture, otherwise they would just freak out! I've spoken to my friend who had 500 people come and he told me he catered for about 450, even though he only invited 300. Since he used a buffet, it was easy to divide the food so no-one was hungry.
  • SP29 said:
    I meant that SM's dad is important to her. Since Dad is paying for the OP's wedding (though I was confused as to when this actually took place), it seems SM's dad should have been on the guest list in the first place. Sounds like OP didn't discuss the guest list with Dad at all.

    Otherwise I agree with you. I would still ask my parents as a courtesy if there is anyone they'd like to see invited. My dad started dating his now wife about 6 months before my wedding. I had never met any of her family (including her sister whom she is very close with, nor her children), thus I did not invite them. I did however ask my Dad who he wanted to see invited to the wedding, and none of her family was on the list.


    Oookkkk. I thought you were saying that dad's wife's dad was (or should be) important to the bride. I will say, though, it would be weird AF if my mom's husband insisted I invite his children. They likely don't even remember my name. 
  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2016
    How to figure out the venue capacity you need:

    1. First figure out if the capacity they list includes all the vendors, or if you need to include those in your final count.
    2. Don't forget to include yourself and your fiance!
    3. Assume EVERY single guest will be in a relationship at the time of the wedding. So, if your guest list has 10 single guests on it, count this as 20 people. 
    4. Assume every guest will attend, even if you "know" they won't. 
    5. Expect that all venues just want to make money and will squeeze people in like sardines if they can, so assume you need at least 10% more venue capacity than you're actually planning to invite.

    Example: Venue capacity of 150 people means you really only want 135 people so people can breathe. You have 10 vendors (DJ, photographer, coordinator, etc.), so that's 125 people. You and your fiance, so that's 123 people you can invite. But leaving space for people to get into relationships (i.e. 10 single guests mean 20 spots) you can actually only invite 113 people to your wedding. If you have 20 single guests, you can only invite a max of 103 people to your wedding. 


    People so often make the mistake of thinking a venue capacity of 150 people means they can invite 150 guests, and this is not the case!

  • JoanE2012 said:
    Raven said:
    I have a fear of having too small a venue. Mine holds approximately 500. I've invited slightly over 200 and I need the additional space for uninvited guests that are likely to turn up. In african/caribbean culture, it is normal for MANY more people to turn up than is actually invited. Basically guests bring people with them. My Nigerian friend recently got married, he invited 300 and 500 people turned up. To OP: It's always better to have a little extra room because it reduces the stress for you.
    Where do the uninvited sit and what do they eat?  You obviously wouldn't set out enough tables for double the guests or order double the food.  Or do you?
    Afro Caribbean caterers (at least here in the uk) normally work on very approximate numbers for catering, e.g. 200-400, seriously!  Also many venues popular with ethnic weddings have huge function rooms with stacks and stacks of chairs and tables in the back.  I'm not Caribbean but I've worked at a few wedding venues.   
  • JoanE2012 said:
    Raven said:
    I have a fear of having too small a venue. Mine holds approximately 500. I've invited slightly over 200 and I need the additional space for uninvited guests that are likely to turn up. In african/caribbean culture, it is normal for MANY more people to turn up than is actually invited. Basically guests bring people with them. My Nigerian friend recently got married, he invited 300 and 500 people turned up. To OP: It's always better to have a little extra room because it reduces the stress for you.
    Where do the uninvited sit and what do they eat?  You obviously wouldn't set out enough tables for double the guests or order double the food.  Or do you?
    Afro Caribbean caterers (at least here in the uk) normally work on very approximate numbers for catering, e.g. 200-400, seriously!  Also many venues popular with ethnic weddings have huge function rooms with stacks and stacks of chairs and tables in the back.  I'm not Caribbean but I've worked at a few wedding venues.   
    Yep.  It's well known in the community that is what happens, so they prepare.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • JoanE2012 said:
    Raven said:
    I have a fear of having too small a venue. Mine holds approximately 500. I've invited slightly over 200 and I need the additional space for uninvited guests that are likely to turn up. In african/caribbean culture, it is normal for MANY more people to turn up than is actually invited. Basically guests bring people with them. My Nigerian friend recently got married, he invited 300 and 500 people turned up. To OP: It's always better to have a little extra room because it reduces the stress for you.
    Where do the uninvited sit and what do they eat?  You obviously wouldn't set out enough tables for double the guests or order double the food.  Or do you?
    Afro Caribbean caterers (at least here in the uk) normally work on very approximate numbers for catering, e.g. 200-400, seriously!  Also many venues popular with ethnic weddings have huge function rooms with stacks and stacks of chairs and tables in the back.  I'm not Caribbean but I've worked at a few wedding venues.   
    I've found the perfect venue for my 200+ guests that has no corkage, allows self catering, near my family, allows self-catering, massive amounts of parking, and even has its own dry ice machine. The closest wedding venue holds about 70 (ish) people so even though knot people wouldn't like it I'm holding my wedding ceremony there. I had initially posted a question about it earlier, but that venue is amazing and well within price range so I'm going with my initial plan. I'm not going to have my ceremony there because the place I've found is pretty on the inside and less nice on the outside, which is ok for a reception/lunch. All the guests will come to the lunch/reception and having just immediate family at the ceremony. The reception venue has experience with afro caribbean weddings. My actual family is so massive, they recognise that finding a venue that holds 300+ people is difficult unless you are using a church. All the churches I phoned turned me down because I'm not from the area. I'm getting married somewhere different to where I live.
  • ScottishSarahScottishSarah member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2016
    lyndausvi said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    Raven said:
    I have a fear of having too small a venue. Mine holds approximately 500. I've invited slightly over 200 and I need the additional space for uninvited guests that are likely to turn up. In african/caribbean culture, it is normal for MANY more people to turn up than is actually invited. Basically guests bring people with them. My Nigerian friend recently got married, he invited 300 and 500 people turned up. To OP: It's always better to have a little extra room because it reduces the stress for you.
    Where do the uninvited sit and what do they eat?  You obviously wouldn't set out enough tables for double the guests or order double the food.  Or do you?
    Afro Caribbean caterers (at least here in the uk) normally work on very approximate numbers for catering, e.g. 200-400, seriously!  Also many venues popular with ethnic weddings have huge function rooms with stacks and stacks of chairs and tables in the back.  I'm not Caribbean but I've worked at a few wedding venues.   
    Yep.  It's well known in the community that is what happens, so they prepare.
    Although I had a fairly small wedding our venue was very popular with ethnic weddings.  One of the reasons we chose it was the flexibility.  For example, weather bad, need to seat 200+ ceremony guests inside at 10 minutes notice?  No problem.  They were set up for that.  It also meant we had lots of flexibility with the numbers on our guest list. 

    We had such small numbers (70) that we used different areas for the ceremony and reception, but had we had 200+ guests they would have done a room flip for us during cocktail hour.
  • Dry ice machine?  What is that for?
  • Dry ice machine?  What is that for?
    Either keeping food cold or a fog machine. Those are the only two uses I can think of at a wedding. 
  • Dry ice machine?  What is that for?
    It creates a cloud like effect for the first dance, so it looks like you are dancing on a cloud. Very pretty. Some may see it as tacky but I love it!
  • She's saying now that she's only inviting immediate family, though. Several people have said that's the way to do it. Maybe I'm reading something wrong?
  • She's saying now that she's only inviting immediate family, though. Several people have said that's the way to do it. Maybe I'm reading something wrong?
    She means she is inviting all of her cousins and aunts/uncles too so it is around 70 people of a 200 person guest list.  That isn't a small, intimate family only ceremony (which really only works when it is less than 10% of your guest list). This is just poor planning and laziness of not wanting to find a venue that actually fits all her guests.
  • She's saying now that she's only inviting immediate family, though. Several people have said that's the way to do it. Maybe I'm reading something wrong?
    She means she is inviting all of her cousins and aunts/uncles too so it is around 70 people of a 200 person guest list.  That isn't a small, intimate family only ceremony (which really only works when it is less than 10% of your guest list). This is just poor planning and laziness of not wanting to find a venue that actually fits all her guests.
    I see where she says both "I'm going with my original plan" and "I'm only inviting immediate family." If she's going with her original plan, then I agree she's being rude and only caring about her vision.
  • Immediate family is those you lived with growing up - not cousins. 
  • banana468 said:
    Immediate family is those you lived with growing up - not cousins. 
    Yeah to me that's mom and dad, siblings, and grandparents only.  No cousins, friends, etc.

    I sure hope you're including your FI's immediate family as well.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • JoanE2012 said:
    Raven said:
    I have a fear of having too small a venue. Mine holds approximately 500. I've invited slightly over 200 and I need the additional space for uninvited guests that are likely to turn up. In african/caribbean culture, it is normal for MANY more people to turn up than is actually invited. Basically guests bring people with them. My Nigerian friend recently got married, he invited 300 and 500 people turned up. To OP: It's always better to have a little extra room because it reduces the stress for you.
    Where do the uninvited sit and what do they eat?  You obviously wouldn't set out enough tables for double the guests or order double the food.  Or do you?
    Afro Caribbean caterers (at least here in the uk) normally work on very approximate numbers for catering, e.g. 200-400, seriously!  Also many venues popular with ethnic weddings have huge function rooms with stacks and stacks of chairs and tables in the back.  I'm not Caribbean but I've worked at a few wedding venues.   
    I've found the perfect venue for my 200+ guests that has no corkage, allows self catering, near my family, allows self-catering, massive amounts of parking, and even has its own dry ice machine. The closest wedding venue holds about 70 (ish) people so even though knot people wouldn't like it I'm holding my wedding ceremony there. I had initially posted a question about it earlier, but that venue is amazing and well within price range so I'm going with my initial plan. I'm not going to have my ceremony there because the place I've found is pretty on the inside and less nice on the outside, which is ok for a reception/lunch. All the guests will come to the lunch/reception and having just immediate family at the ceremony. The reception venue has experience with afro caribbean weddings. My actual family is so massive, they recognise that finding a venue that holds 300+ people is difficult unless you are using a church. All the churches I phoned turned me down because I'm not from the area. I'm getting married somewhere different to where I live.
    Are you kidding me? You are worried about a fog machine entrance when you are not inviting half of your guests to your wedding?! Are you trying make your wedding look like a Bonnie Tyler video? I cannot believe after all of this you are still going to be that rude and thoughtless. 

    You keep saying it is common in Afro-Caribbean culture- I have been to several Afro-Caribbean weddings and I have never, ever heard of not inviting all your guests to your wedding. All my British Afro-Caribbean friends would be horrified at this- the culture is all about being a gracious host and welcoming, and you are being really, really rude! 

    You can justify it to yourself all you want but you know you are wrong. Why else would you be asking about it on here? You are being incredibly rude and enjoy having everyone 'talk about you, but not in a good way'. You have said your Fi is English- you are OK with alienating all of his friends and family that you aren't inviting? 

    Look, any way you paint it you are being lazy and rude by not inviting your guests to your wedding. 

    But you are really putting the nail in the coffin of behaving like a complete and utter rude chav by having a tacky AF fog machine for your first dance. You should see if the Jordan horse carriage is available so you can drive by all your friends that you aren't inviting to really rub it in that you are being a total bridezilla and self-centred.  So at least you get points for consistency. 
    Last time I checked you weren't invited so you can have your boring AF wedding and I'll keep my chav tastic one!
  • edited December 2016
    She's saying now that she's only inviting immediate family, though. Several people have said that's the way to do it. Maybe I'm reading something wrong?
    She means she is inviting all of her cousins and aunts/uncles too so it is around 70 people of a 200 person guest list.  That isn't a small, intimate family only ceremony (which really only works when it is less than 10% of your guest list). This is just poor planning and laziness of not wanting to find a venue that actually fits all her guests.

    I'm sorry are you my wedding planner.  I may have full capacity with cousins or I may not. It DEPENDS ON WHAT I DECIDE. The room has been reserved for the ceremony and I'll decide what to do. You sure as hell are not my friend and won't be there. You can't say what I mean, only I can say that. Moron.  I don't need someone to talk for me.  You crazy bitches can have you boring AF weddings. I'm out.
  • She's saying now that she's only inviting immediate family, though. Several people have said that's the way to do it. Maybe I'm reading something wrong?
    She means she is inviting all of her cousins and aunts/uncles too so it is around 70 people of a 200 person guest list.  That isn't a small, intimate family only ceremony (which really only works when it is less than 10% of your guest list). This is just poor planning and laziness of not wanting to find a venue that actually fits all her guests.

    I'm sorry are you my wedding planner.  You can't say what I mean, only I can say that. Moron.  I don't need someone to talk for me.  You crazy bitches can have you boring AF weddings. I'm out
    Congratulations on stirring the pot.   
  • Last time I checked you weren't invited so you can have your boring AF wedding and I'll keep my chav tastic one!
    Well, at least you recognize you're being rude now. I'm ashamed of myself for trying to stick up for you. 
  • Last time I checked you weren't invited so you can have your boring AF wedding and I'll keep my chav tastic one!
    Well, at least you recognize you're being rude now. I'm ashamed of myself for trying to stick up for you. 

    One last time, (couldn't resist).  I don't know what I will do, have immediate family or not.  BYE EVERYONE.
  • Last time I checked you weren't invited so you can have your boring AF wedding and I'll keep my chav tastic one!
    Well, at least you recognize you're being rude now. I'm ashamed of myself for trying to stick up for you. 


    I'd rather go to a boring AF wedding than be a tiered guest at an "exciting" one.


    Apparently my wedding was boring AF, does that mean I get a do over???  This time I want a purple elephant to ride in on, oh and I want my officiant to be a unicorn that can fart rainbows.  Then I want Cirque De Sole to entertain everyone I have ever met in my life...except the "bitches" that hated on me in high school!!  But most importantly I want lots of pretty pictures because my wedding is ALL ABOUT ME (I mean uh...and my FI...cause has a say too) and I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!!!!!  Don't worry, no one will think I was rude because they should be honored that they were invited at all.  After all I tried to make things convenient to them by giving them food and not making them travel too far! 

    I mean seriously...Those who stir the shit pot should have to lick the spoon.

  • I love it when people like to defend rudeness by saying that treating all your guests well is "boring".   I guess it's a bit more exciting to stir the pot, treat some guests better than others and see what kind of emotional reactions you elicit when your guests see that you actually tiered the guest list.   So sure, that means that my wedding was probably "more boring" because my guests were all treated the same as one another with no concerns about who was invited to more of the day than someone else.

    But what can I say - I don't thrive on drama.   I prefer to try to be good, think of others first and to  try to make the people I love happy.  


  • This is just ridiculous! You (OP) are not at all concerned with your guests comfort and feeling. I can't help but think of a friend who invited everyone to 3 separate (religious/cultural) ceremonies because of the background of the bride and groom. They were so concerned that people would be tired of wedding celebrations! They, of course, did the correct the thing by inviting everyone to all parts of the day but let it be known by word of mouth that guests didn't have to attend it all if they didn't want to. I think most people attended all parts though.
  • edited December 2016
    I wish I was invited to a reception with a dry ice/fog machine and samba dancers but only ~special~ guests were invited to the actual wedding-part. Not because it's exciting vs. boring, but because my friends love ridiculous stories and this would be the best story to tell in a "holy shit could you believe they did this?"


    I'm glad she deleted, maybe this time OPs can actually not worry about their threads being hijacked by someone whining about how we're so awful and how their etiquette faux pas is worse than hers and they don't get told how rude they're being (even though that's totally wrong and ridiculous).
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