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Chit Chat

Parents who are WAY too excited for grandkids...

ginnybinny17ginnybinny17 member
100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited December 2016 in Chit Chat
My fiance and I just got engaged three months ago, and our wedding isn't even til next year.  

Three out of the four of our parents (FI's mom, and my mom and dad) are hinting about how much they want grandchildren, which graduated to flat-out asking when we think we'll have kids, which graduated into them discussing/planning where the kids will be spending birthdays and holidays and who's getting the kids when.  

I know they were semi-joking, but it actually got to the point that I was feeling mega stress.  I'm seeing this future of our parents competing with each other over who gets to see our kids and when, trying to guilt-trip us about not being able to see both sides of the fam at holidays (or goodness forbid, staying home for the holidays), etc etc etc.  Thank God for both FI and his dad, who are the chillest people ever born and immune to all of this nonsense.

I know they're excited and I'm so happy they are!  But like -- maybe press the chill button for a sec.  We ain't even having kids til a year and nine months from now at the earliest!

Vent over -- sorry!  It was a weird weekend.

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Re: Parents who are WAY too excited for grandkids...

  • My fiance and I just got married three months ago, and our wedding isn't even til next November.  Our sets of parents just met for the first time this weekend and they totally bonded, which was great.  

    Maybe a little TOO much!  Three out of the four of them (FI's mom, and my mom and dad) spent all weekend hinting about how much they want grandchildren, which graduated to flat-out asking when we think we'll have kids, which graduated into them discussing/planning where the kids will be spending birthdays and holidays and who's getting the kids when.  (FI and I live in DC, and our parents live in the Midwest and New England).

    I know they were semi-joking, but it actually got to the point that I was feeling mega stress.  I'm seeing this future of our parents competing with each other over who gets to see our kids and when, trying to guilt-trip us about not being able to see both sides of the fam at holidays (or goodness forbid, staying home for the holidays), etc etc etc.  Thank God for both FI and his stepdad, who are the chillest people ever born and immune to all of this nonsense.

    I know they're excited and I'm so happy they are!  But like -- maybe press the chill button for a sec.  We ain't even having kids til a year and nine months from now at the earliest!

    Vent over -- sorry!  It was a weird weekend.

    Did you mean engaged?

    Anyway, I have this exact same thing with (of all people) my DHs Aunt.  Her son had two girls almost a decade ago at an early age (no judgment).  She is always asking when they will have cousins to play with, etc.  I usually try to just to ignore the comments or bean dip out of it.  If she gets to persistent I will usually say, "we aren't at that point yet." and keep bean dipping.

    ginnybinny17
  • My fiance and I just got married three months ago, and our wedding isn't even til next November.  Our sets of parents just met for the first time this weekend and they totally bonded, which was great.  

    Maybe a little TOO much!  Three out of the four of them (FI's mom, and my mom and dad) spent all weekend hinting about how much they want grandchildren, which graduated to flat-out asking when we think we'll have kids, which graduated into them discussing/planning where the kids will be spending birthdays and holidays and who's getting the kids when.  (FI and I live in DC, and our parents live in the Midwest and New England).

    I know they were semi-joking, but it actually got to the point that I was feeling mega stress.  I'm seeing this future of our parents competing with each other over who gets to see our kids and when, trying to guilt-trip us about not being able to see both sides of the fam at holidays (or goodness forbid, staying home for the holidays), etc etc etc.  Thank God for both FI and his stepdad, who are the chillest people ever born and immune to all of this nonsense.

    I know they're excited and I'm so happy they are!  But like -- maybe press the chill button for a sec.  We ain't even having kids til a year and nine months from now at the earliest!

    Vent over -- sorry!  It was a weird weekend.

    Did you mean engaged?

    Anyway, I have this exact same thing with (of all people) my DHs Aunt.  Her son had two girls almost a decade ago at an early age (no judgment).  She is always asking when they will have cousins to play with, etc.  I usually try to just to ignore the comments or bean dip out of it.  If she gets to persistent I will usually say, "we aren't at that point yet." and keep bean dipping.

    Oops, yes!  Talk about being too excited, haha.  I meant engaged.  :)

    I didn't know what "bean dipping" meant til I came on these boards, and boy, is it ever useful in these situations.

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    short+sassycowgirl8238OurWildKingdomSP29
  • We're in that position. Honestly, my husband's mother never thought he'd get married. When we were telling her we were engaged, she thought we were announcing a baby.

    I'm an only child and there's a 4yr age gap between my husband and his brother, so we have a lot of pressure to procreate.

    What we did
    - kept bean dipping
    - say you've 'got things to do before being at that point'
    - my husband said "mum, do you realize you're encouraging your child to have sex? Thoughtful, but it's fine" {you can also say you're 'practicing' for same dramatic effect}

    Once you and your husband are in a better position, I suggest having a conversation. Wait x time? Do x things?
    Once we were married, we started saving for a house - so we told family "we're saving for a house. We're going to give ourselves some time to settle in before deciding to start trying. We're hoping in a year"

    That definitely had people back off once they knew we were doing serious things and needed time. Giving a timeline helps because it gives others more perspective on things.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • I have a friend who, when she and her H got engaged, her MIL...who is normally very prudish...said, since they were engaged, now it was okay for them to start having TTCing.  My friend was like, "Hold your roll, FMIL."

    Her first X-mas after getting married, MIL gave her a sexy nightie.  By the second X-mas, they'd already had their first child.  MIL gave her a more typical, wear around the house, cotton nightgown, lmao.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MissKittyDangerSP29OliveOilsMom
  • My MIL bought us a stroller when we were engaged (or possibly just before we were engaged, I can't remember now). That was an awkward conversation. She said it was such a good deal she couldn't pass it up. 
  • My MIL bought us a stroller when we were engaged (or possibly just before we were engaged, I can't remember now). That was an awkward conversation. She said it was such a good deal she couldn't pass it up. 


    OMG, super awkward...I would never assume two people wanted to have children let alone gift them a stroller?

  • Weirdly enough, I have the opposite problem- both my parents and H's parents insist we can't have kids for at least another five years (it's definitely not going to be that long, barring extensive obstacles to conceiving) and I'm terrified they are going to be super disapproving if and when we do get pregnant! H's parents feel this way because they personally wish they had waited longer and were more financially stable when they had kids, my parents are just weirdos who (despite being extremely loving parents, I swear) seem to have no particular desire for grandchildren any time soon. Anyone else ever have this issue?

    As for your problem, OP, my mom told me the best advice her mom ever gave her was once you have kids make everyone come to you for the holidays rather than worrying about traveling to and splitting time between both families. Obviously that doesn't help your immediate problem of people being over-eager for grandkids, but it could alleviate the squabbling over time with them once they are here!
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • Last year, before FI & I were even engaged, we went to go see the house FILs were building. They made sure to point out the "grandchildren's rooms." Then at Christmas his mom kept talking about how it didn't feel like Christmas without little kids running around. It's only gotten worse since we got engaged!

    And @cowgirl8238 brings up a great point about it being a bit triggering for some people. One of my cousins tried for about 3 years to have children, and had to deal with people giving her crap for not having kids during that. If the questions become relentless, you could always shut them down by saying it's a rude thing to ask about.
    OurWildKingdomcowgirl8238
  • I think all parents are different. Neither my nor my in-laws said anything prior to our wedding. DH said his parents have never really outright bothered him about it but they definitely want a grandkid. An uncle got hilariously drunk at the wedding and insisted I had to reproduce quickly because my FIL obviously, desperately wanted a grandchild. 
    My parents and I are close and I did tell them that DH and I would like a child "in the future" but, I'm 33 now (married 2 years). I know many women who have struggled. I've told my parents that we're realistic in thinking that it just may not happen, so nobody get their hopes up.

    So incidentally, on Thanksgiving, DH's side of the family asked us about kids and we just said "we'll see!" Then, this past weekend, my parents brought up the fact that most of my friends had kids. I steered the conversation towards my close friend who recently got pregnant off IVF.

    Little does anyone know, I'm nearly 6 weeks pregnant. They'll find out on Christmas, lol. 


    congratulations!!

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    thisismynickname2
  • My MIL bought us a stroller when we were engaged (or possibly just before we were engaged, I can't remember now). That was an awkward conversation. She said it was such a good deal she couldn't pass it up. 
    I would be beyond pissed off if my mum or MIL did this. Seriously. Not just pressure and expectations, but it's actually kinda rude.

    Now that we're about a year away from TTC, I told my mum if she sees cute things {clothes} that she wants to pick up, that's fine but don't tell me.
    kimmiinthemitten
  • My MIL bought us a stroller when we were engaged (or possibly just before we were engaged, I can't remember now). That was an awkward conversation. She said it was such a good deal she couldn't pass it up. 
    I would be beyond pissed off if my mum or MIL did this. Seriously. Not just pressure and expectations, but it's actually kinda rude.

    Now that we're about a year away from TTC, I told my mum if she sees cute things {clothes} that she wants to pick up, that's fine but don't tell me.
    Plus, where the fuck are you supposed to store that stuff?
    At their house obviously ;) Fuck that noise lmao
    cowgirl8238SP29OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • DD and SIL are TTC but have obstacles. It makes me very sad. I never bring it up with them unless they do first. I don't want to add pressure - they know I love babies though! All my friends are asking me when I will be a Grandma. Ugh, I hate that so I just can't imagine if I were my daughter and people were asking all the time.
    charlotte989875
  • I'm with @redwoodoriginal, I think that unless you are involved with the making of the baby you don't get to ask when said baby will or will not be a thing. 
    ei34SP29ahyatt87
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I hate this is even something people feel they can ask about. I had a miscarriage when I was in my early second tri a few months ago and want to throt punch anyone who asks me when I'm having a baby. I started just telling them I had a miscarriage so they can learn to STFU. 

    Luckily our our parents have never pressured us in anyway or made any comments about babies. And now, they just don't say anything at all ever. 
    I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage :(  
    ________________________________


    redwoodoriginal
  • I also want to throw out there that this topic can be extremely sensitive to some people/couples who are trying and are struggling and/or have had a miscarriage!

    Maybe this is just a hot button of mine lately but I HATE IT when people ask my DH and I.  TBH we have been "trying without trying" since August and so far nothing.  I'm not putting any pressure on us or anything but it can be very frustrating to some and I really wish people would stop asking!!! I have a family member that has been going through fertility hell for THREE YEARS after having a miscarriage...the worst offender (see first comment) her mom! 

    Also another friend of mine was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer at the age of 30...she has had a full hysterectomy since in order to prevent spreading.  It has been a little over 1.5 years and thankfully she is cancer free...but I can only imagine the devastation that it must bring every time someone asks her and her FI if/when they want to have children.

    Mind your own F*cking business people.  I don't care if your my mom or the lady behind me in the checkout line...stop asking me about my schedule for pro-creation!

    </end rant>

    Hugs to you. We too have been trying since June without anything yet.

    @redwoodoriginal - hugs for you as well. I'm sorry about your miscarriage. 
    redwoodoriginalcowgirl8238
  • @redwoodoriginal - I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.  That is awful.  But you get snaps for giving people an answer that might make them think the next time they ask that question to someone else.  

    redwoodoriginalthisismynickname2kimmiinthemitten
  • @thisismynickname Congratulations!

    I agree- so inappropriate for anyone to ask anyone else when they are going to have kids. Unless I tell you, or you physically see the baby coming out of me (which anyone but DH won't), DON'T ASK! I've had a few friends who had trouble TTC/ miscarriages, and I saw how much it hurt them. Just leave it be. As per banana- DH does this, he says, "Inappropriate".

    For us, it came up pretty often once we got engaged and shortly after we got married, but DH and I are almost at 3 years (crazy!!) so I think people are getting bored with us ;). But GOOD- it was really starting to get on my nerves.

    @Ro041 Not anyone from my family, but I have met a few other adults (people I work with, family friends) who when I say, no we don't have kids, maybe in a few years will respond that it is good- take our time. One of my co-workers said, "Good. Don't have any kids. Keep it all for yourself! Think of the travel you can go on!".
    thisismynickname2Ro041
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would have an honest talk with my parents.  "Mom, Dad, I get that you're excited about us having children down thevery road.  When you jump the gun by talking about _____________, I feel __________."
    OurWildKingdom
  • I used tell people that my sex life and reproductive organs were not open for public discussion . 

    They stopped asking.

    Thankfully I'm over 40 now so the subject does not come up anymore. everyone finally accepted it wasn't going to happen.

    MissKittyDanger
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    A coworker asked when we were going to have kids, I said our sex life isn't really all that good.  That shut him up.

    FMIL really wants us to have 3.  Like got into an argument with FI that maybe I'll have triplets wants us to have 3.  Our plan is to not prevent 1.  I just remind her everytime it comes up that it's maybe 1.

    At the shower, my sister had a game to see how well they knew me, and one of the questions was how many kids I wanted.  Most people wrote 0, 1. 0-1, or some form of that answer.  FMIIL wrote down 3.  I just said to her, no that's what you want!

    It sucks.  And I'm pretty sure it doesn't go away because everyone is all over my sister to have a second now.
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    charlotte989875ginnybinny17luckya23
  • My little sister is eager for me to have a kid. She has a ten-month-old and wanted another someday, but can't (medical issues). For the past year or so, she's been bugging me about when I'm gonna have a kid with FI. She visited in October and actually said, "If you get pregnant now, you'll still fit in your dress fine!" I'm getting married this month, and I just started at this Ivy-League-level school. Based on finals, I don't think having a kid is a good idea until graduation. Luckily, my parents are on board with me waiting. FI's mom would be thrilled if I got pregnant. For the record, both of our parents have 5 grandchildren.





    ahoyweddingginnybinny17
  • My Mom has eight grandchildren and she is still all over FI and I to have a kid right after the wedding. I get that my family is excited but we have our own plans. And no one takes into account I will be away from my job for a year when I have my child. Right now is not a good time for me to put my career on hold
    ginnybinny17cowgirl8238
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