Etiquette

Ballet dancers and african dancers at the reception? AW or not?

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Re: Ballet dancers and african dancers at the reception? AW or not?

  • edited January 2017
    I'm with Charlotte, this has gotten a bit extreme on both sides. I think OP is just trying to find a way to incorporate both her English and Nigerian guests.

    I'm just going to go ahead and say it:  not all white people in western culture are comfortable being the minority in the room whereas POC are used to it from school and work etc. If she knows her guests well and believes having African dancers can help get her English guests on the dance floor and remove that barrier, I think it could be cool if done right.   There is a cultural difference, look at churches for example. Most white churches are somber and quiet. Most AA churches are loud and interactive. If it's not what you're used to, it may help to have someone from the culture introduce you. To me, the dancers are no different. 

    However, that 6:30-7 block is a bit heavy. I'd move your 3 toasts to before dinner to help break it up a bit. 


    Kimmiinthemitten summed up my view perfectly. I DON'T want to force anyone to dance, I'm not putting a gun to anyone's head and I won't be upset if no-one dances. I wanted everyone to feel included and for those that are too nervous to dance, but want to, I thought the dancers would help. I thought it would make the day more inclusive.

    I agree this has got out of hand. All I wanted to know if two performances was OTT and some people acted as if I have now commanded everyone to dance.

    Your comments about AA churches is perfect. There is a difference in culture. Most black weddings I go to have singing or some kind of act/performance at the reception. That is the way the culture is. But London Lisa's comments about gauchness shows a lack of cultural understanding. I get really annoyed when people act as if black culture is gauche because of the implied underlying prejudice. It's just different. I could say white culture is boring, but I actually just think different groups have different ideas about how to celebrate.

     I had a knee jerk reaction with the crazy bitches comments because regardless of what anyone here thinks, if some of the white guests got up and left the entire wedding never to return, when the african dancers started, I would be insulted. I would expect they would be insulted if I simply left the wedding if white people did something that was not part of my culture. 

    I agree about the 6:30 block. I had similar thoughts and you have confirmed it. I might move some toasts to the end of the cocktail hour before the dinner starts to break up the day a bit.
    kimmiinthemittenSP29Greenjinjo
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 2017
    Look this is ridiculously out of control. 

    For the record, I'm Xhosa, so don't be so quick to make this about race. To think that you wanting ballet dancers to honour you and your Fi during your first dance has anything to do with black culture is ludicrous. And to think that is tacky isn't predjudiced. Look, do what you want, I certainly wouldn't walk out, but I've definitely been at a wedding where the bride did a multi song set where everyone had to sit and listen to her, and it was cringy.

    If you actually read what I wrote, I reiterated that if you are having Nigerian dancers because your fi is Nigerian is great later in the evening.

    But please, tell me where ballet dancers, live songs, floor shows and fondue fountains are part of black culture. 

    Do what you want, but you asked if it was AW, and it has been nearly unanimous in saying Nigerian Dancers, yes- Ballet dancers, no. I'm not sure what else you wanted. 

    I really think you need to calm down with the defensiveness- and throwing around predjudice accusations is incredibly counter productive to ACTUAL race issues that Black British women face, not thinking your chocolate fountain is a bit naff. 


    levioosaPrettyGirlLostsparklepants41cowgirl8238
  • edited January 2017
    Look this is ridiculously out of control. 

    For the record, I'm Xhosa, so don't be so quick to make this about race. To think that you wanting ballet dancers to honour you and your Fi during your first dance has anything to do with black culture is ludicrous. And to think that is tacky isn't predjudiced. Look, do what you want, I certainly wouldn't walk out, but I've definitely been at a wedding where the bride did a multi song set where everyone had to sit and listen to her, and it was cringy.

    If you actually read what I wrote, I reiterated that if you are having Nigerian dancers because your fi is Nigerian is great later in the evening.

    But please, tell me where ballet dancers, live songs, floor shows and fondue fountains are part of black culture. 

    Do what you want, but you asked if it was AW, and it has been nearly unanimous in saying Nigerian Dancers, yes- Ballet dancers, no. I'm not sure what else you wanted. 

    I really think you need to calm down with the defensiveness- and throwing around predjudice accusations is incredibly counter productive to ACTUAL race issues that Black British women face, not thinking your chocolate fountain is a bit naff. 


    When did I say ballet dancers, chocolate fountains specifically were about black culture? Rather than read what I said you are choosing to make things up instead.  Your ridiculous comment about new money revealed your own prejudices. Interesting you haven't addressed those comments.  

    Your comments about new money etc were not required and completely counterproductive to what I was talking about, so don't have a go at me when it was your attitude and one other person that started this thread down the wrong path.

    You said something silly about doing OTT things as being gauche etc and I made the point that black culture is about doing loud crazy things.  I did not mention the precise forms that the activities could take. Whatever people want to do is up to them. The fact that you are black doesn't make your comments any less ridiculous.

     I said I was leaving the ballet dancers anyway.  As people often say on the knot, this is a public forum and I will raise issues that I see as relevant to the topic. If you don't like my honest response maybe TK isn't for you. Your small minded comment reeked of class prejudice so expect it to get addressed. 

    When did I mention I was doing chocolate fountains? I gave it as an example of entertainment, that was it. I am not here to speak about the issues facing Black British women, this is a wedding website and I asked a question about my wedding. Your later comment showed you to be a small minded person. I had no problem with posters saying ballet and african dancers are too much, that is what I asked. 

    What I didn't ask for is for some stupid comments relating to tackiness, new money and whatever other nonsense you decided to write. I don't see it as necessary to engage with people who look down on the financial status of others, so I will not address this issue further with you.
  • If you are getting dancers from the same culture as you or your FI I think it would be a fun addition. I am assuming the dancers would be doing moves both young and old know so people will join in. 

    A lot of African songs have dance moves associated with them. So the dancers the OP is wanting wouldn't be doing a performance persay but more of a dance along if that makes sense. I think that's where some posters are getting confused. I've been at African weddings and I love the dancers. It's a fun addition and as long as it's kept to a reasonable length does get the party started.

    OP I can understand you getting upset because posters are not understanding what you are trying to do with the African dancers. However, just ignore the comments and focus on the ones that actually give advice. These boards are not the place to try and 'educate' anyone. Starting internet beef gets nothing accomplished 
  • Max_G said:
    Look this is ridiculously out of control. 

    For the record, I'm Xhosa, so don't be so quick to make this about race. To think that you wanting ballet dancers to honour you and your Fi during your first dance has anything to do with black culture is ludicrous. And to think that is tacky isn't predjudiced. Look, do what you want, I certainly wouldn't walk out, but I've definitely been at a wedding where the bride did a multi song set where everyone had to sit and listen to her, and it was cringy.

    If you actually read what I wrote, I reiterated that if you are having Nigerian dancers because your fi is Nigerian is great later in the evening.

    But please, tell me where ballet dancers, live songs, floor shows and fondue fountains are part of black culture. 

    Do what you want, but you asked if it was AW, and it has been nearly unanimous in saying Nigerian Dancers, yes- Ballet dancers, no. I'm not sure what else you wanted. 

    I really think you need to calm down with the defensiveness- and throwing around predjudice accusations is incredibly counter productive to ACTUAL race issues that Black British women face, not thinking your chocolate fountain is a bit naff. 


    When did I say ballet dancers, chocolate fountains specifically were about black culture? Rather than read what I said you are choosing to make things up instead.  Your ridiculous comment about new money revealed your own prejudices. Interesting you haven't addressed those comments.  

    Your comments about new money etc were not required and completely counterproductive to what I was talking about, so don't have a go at me when it was your attitude and one other person that started this thread down the wrong path.

    You said something silly about doing OTT things as being gauche etc and I made the point that black culture is about doing loud crazy things.  I did not mention the precise forms that the activities could take. Whatever people want to do is up to them. The fact that you are black doesn't make your comments any less ridiculous.

     I said I was leaving the ballet dancers anyway.  As people often say on the knot, this is a public forum and I will raise issues that I see as relevant to the topic. If you don't like my honest response maybe TK isn't for you. Your small minded comment reeked of class prejudice so expect it to get addressed. 

    When did I mention I was doing chocolate fountains? I gave it as an example of entertainment, that was it. I am not here to speak about the issues facing Black British women, this is a wedding website and I asked a question about my wedding. Your later comment showed you to be a small minded person. I had no problem with posters saying ballet and african dancers are too much, that is what I asked. 

    What I didn't ask for is for some stupid comments relating to tackiness, new money and whatever other nonsense you decided to write. I don't see it as necessary to engage with people who look down on the financial status of others, so I will not address this issue further with you.
    So gauche isn't aright, but it's ok to call posters rude bitches?

    You got some pretty great feedback here from both people in and outside of your culture about how they would interpret or enjoy what you have planned. It seems like you would prefer to be offended and insult responders rather than listen to real concerns and support about your plan.


    levioosaPrettyGirlLostsparklepants41
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 2017
    "All I wanted to know if two performances was OTT and some people acted as if I have now commanded everyone to dance."





    Anniversary
    crowsgirl15SwissMs
  • edited January 2017
    Max_G said:
    Look this is ridiculously out of control. 

    For the record, I'm Xhosa, so don't be so quick to make this about race. To think that you wanting ballet dancers to honour you and your Fi during your first dance has anything to do with black culture is ludicrous. And to think that is tacky isn't predjudiced. Look, do what you want, I certainly wouldn't walk out, but I've definitely been at a wedding where the bride did a multi song set where everyone had to sit and listen to her, and it was cringy.

    If you actually read what I wrote, I reiterated that if you are having Nigerian dancers because your fi is Nigerian is great later in the evening.

    But please, tell me where ballet dancers, live songs, floor shows and fondue fountains are part of black culture. 

    Do what you want, but you asked if it was AW, and it has been nearly unanimous in saying Nigerian Dancers, yes- Ballet dancers, no. I'm not sure what else you wanted. 

    I really think you need to calm down with the defensiveness- and throwing around predjudice accusations is incredibly counter productive to ACTUAL race issues that Black British women face, not thinking your chocolate fountain is a bit naff. 


    When did I say ballet dancers, chocolate fountains specifically were about black culture? Rather than read what I said you are choosing to make things up instead.  Your ridiculous comment about new money revealed your own prejudices. Interesting you haven't addressed those comments.  

    Your comments about new money etc were not required and completely counterproductive to what I was talking about, so don't have a go at me when it was your attitude and one other person that started this thread down the wrong path.

    You said something silly about doing OTT things as being gauche etc and I made the point that black culture is about doing loud crazy things.  I did not mention the precise forms that the activities could take. Whatever people want to do is up to them. The fact that you are black doesn't make your comments any less ridiculous.

     I said I was leaving the ballet dancers anyway.  As people often say on the knot, this is a public forum and I will raise issues that I see as relevant to the topic. If you don't like my honest response maybe TK isn't for you. Your small minded comment reeked of class prejudice so expect it to get addressed. 

    When did I mention I was doing chocolate fountains? I gave it as an example of entertainment, that was it. I am not here to speak about the issues facing Black British women, this is a wedding website and I asked a question about my wedding. Your later comment showed you to be a small minded person. I had no problem with posters saying ballet and african dancers are too much, that is what I asked. 

    What I didn't ask for is for some stupid comments relating to tackiness, new money and whatever other nonsense you decided to write. I don't see it as necessary to engage with people who look down on the financial status of others, so I will not address this issue further with you.
    So gauche isn't aright, but it's ok to call posters rude bitches?

    You got some pretty great feedback here from both people in and outside of your culture about how they would interpret or enjoy what you have planned. It seems like you would prefer to be offended and insult responders rather than listen to real concerns and support about your plan.


    I admitted rude bitches was knee jerk. But talking to me about new money etc isn't great feedback.  I actually pretty much addressed everything you said in previous posts. I even put it in bold. Responses about what is unnecessary is fine. The comments that I didn't like were from Jen about me being unable to hold a conversation and thinking it is acceptable to leave a friend/family event (the wedding) if it continued only 5 mins of stuff she didn't like. There was also London Lisa's nonsense about new money. How exactly was that helpful? These aren't real concerns just comments from rude, stuck up people. Please highlight to me where I was offended by the legitimate comments of others.
  • Max_G said:
    Max_G said:
    Look this is ridiculously out of control. 

    For the record, I'm Xhosa, so don't be so quick to make this about race. To think that you wanting ballet dancers to honour you and your Fi during your first dance has anything to do with black culture is ludicrous. And to think that is tacky isn't predjudiced. Look, do what you want, I certainly wouldn't walk out, but I've definitely been at a wedding where the bride did a multi song set where everyone had to sit and listen to her, and it was cringy.

    If you actually read what I wrote, I reiterated that if you are having Nigerian dancers because your fi is Nigerian is great later in the evening.

    But please, tell me where ballet dancers, live songs, floor shows and fondue fountains are part of black culture. 

    Do what you want, but you asked if it was AW, and it has been nearly unanimous in saying Nigerian Dancers, yes- Ballet dancers, no. I'm not sure what else you wanted. 

    I really think you need to calm down with the defensiveness- and throwing around predjudice accusations is incredibly counter productive to ACTUAL race issues that Black British women face, not thinking your chocolate fountain is a bit naff. 


    When did I say ballet dancers, chocolate fountains specifically were about black culture? Rather than read what I said you are choosing to make things up instead.  Your ridiculous comment about new money revealed your own prejudices. Interesting you haven't addressed those comments.  

    Your comments about new money etc were not required and completely counterproductive to what I was talking about, so don't have a go at me when it was your attitude and one other person that started this thread down the wrong path.

    You said something silly about doing OTT things as being gauche etc and I made the point that black culture is about doing loud crazy things.  I did not mention the precise forms that the activities could take. Whatever people want to do is up to them. The fact that you are black doesn't make your comments any less ridiculous.

     I said I was leaving the ballet dancers anyway.  As people often say on the knot, this is a public forum and I will raise issues that I see as relevant to the topic. If you don't like my honest response maybe TK isn't for you. Your small minded comment reeked of class prejudice so expect it to get addressed. 

    When did I mention I was doing chocolate fountains? I gave it as an example of entertainment, that was it. I am not here to speak about the issues facing Black British women, this is a wedding website and I asked a question about my wedding. Your later comment showed you to be a small minded person. I had no problem with posters saying ballet and african dancers are too much, that is what I asked. 

    What I didn't ask for is for some stupid comments relating to tackiness, new money and whatever other nonsense you decided to write. I don't see it as necessary to engage with people who look down on the financial status of others, so I will not address this issue further with you.
    So gauche isn't aright, but it's ok to call posters rude bitches?

    You got some pretty great feedback here from both people in and outside of your culture about how they would interpret or enjoy what you have planned. It seems like you would prefer to be offended and insult responders rather than listen to real concerns and support about your plan.


    I admitted rude bitches was knee jerk. But talking to me about new money etc isn't great feedback.  I actually pretty much addressed everything you said in previous posts. I even put it in bold. Responses about what is unnecessary is fine. The comments that I didn't like were from Jen about me being unable to hold a conversation and London Lisa's nonsense about new money. How exactly was that helpful? These aren't real concerns just comments from rude, stuck up people. Please highlight to me where I was offended by the legitimate comments of others.
    Your entire response to Jen's perfectly legitimate post about the fact that some people will walk out or leave was exactly where this thread started to go off the rails. When you call people bitches and say that "society isn't for them" it ramps up the intensity of the conversation. I may not have agreed with LondonLisas comment, but the nature of it seemed a lot more tame than that first response to Jen.


    STARMOON44sparklepants41
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Forgive me if this has already been answered .... are African dancers like what you propose common in weddings in your culture or in your FI's culture?  Or is this just a nod to that culture?  



    Anniversary
  • Max_G said:
    Floor shows at a wedding to me just scream low self esteem, super sweet 16, new money gaucheness. 

    Look, honour your culture by having a later performance by African dancers before the late night buffet, but once you start to make it an all singing, all dancing fondu bonanza I'm going to cringe and be really embarrassed for you. It just seems really immature. 
    I think I read somewhere that your family is from South Africa, yet you lack insight into black culture. Maybe you are not a black/coloured SA. I would describe most predominantly black gatherings in general including weddings, funerals and christenings as an 'all singing, all dancing fondu bonanza!' lol That's what black culture around the world is! From Brazil, USA and the Caribbean, our culture is over the top, colourful and loud. While europeans were doing the waltz, slaves were inviting  their own version of samba, and capoeira, jazz and the blues. Maybe you need to meet more black people.
    I don't even know how to respond to that. I've traveled. A lot. I've lived overseas. Never once have I found people of any race, ethnicity, culture, gender etc to be exactly the same everywhere I go.

    OliveOilsMomcowgirl8238
  • edited January 2017
    I'm just going to do the african dancers and leave the ballet. Also who said black culture around the world is identical. Virtually every black culture around the globe has similarities. You would know that if you had travelled. A lot. 
  • edited January 2017
    I'm not going to engage in this bizarre debate. Also @drunkenwitch - black cultures across the globe share similarities. You would know that if you travelled. A lot. No one said they are identical.  I'm going to have fun african dancers and leave the ballet. 
  • Keisha84 said:
    I honestly don't get the hissy fits and dramatic exits. If you find someone offense block or ignore them. How do these people function in the real world? 
    QTF

    it's just an internet message board for heaven's sake. Take a breath, or a drink. Or both.

    Everyone sit down, I have shocking news.

    Are you ready?

    People on the internet have opinions that are different from yours. They will tell you those opinions. 

    Are you all okay?

    TrixieJesssouthernbelle0915SP29cowgirl8238
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I'm with you on the chocolate fountain being gross. That's 400 people leaning over it, breathing on it, maybe coughing and sneezing. ICKY. 

    lizybeff
  • I'm with you on the chocolate fountain being gross. That's 400 people leaning over it, breathing on it, maybe coughing and sneezing. ICKY. 
    My MIL tells the story that when there was a chocolate fountain at one of the events at their 55 and over condo community, the owner of the fountain stood by it the entire time policing the users and wiping off the splatter.

    To this day I've never used one because I'm not a fan of the unsanitary aspect combined with splattering my nice clothing with chocolate. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Chocolate fountain is a norovirus epidemic waiting to happen. No thank you. 
                
    TrixieJessSP29cowgirl8238
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Chocolate fountains are so gross.  They have to water down the chocolate with so much oil for it to flow it takes awful.   Then the mess.  Oh the mess.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    cowgirl8238
  • I always considered "new money" to be a compliment -- like, I was smart enough to make my own money and didn't have to ride the coattails of my more successful and smart parents/grandparents/great grandparents.  If someone made that comment to me, I would tell them as much (and I did when I got a scholarship to an elite private school as a kid.  A lot of the students talked down to me because my family was poor.  I always reminded them that I was smart enough to go to school there and my family didn't have to buy my way in).

    SP29
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