Do you find the bouquet toss offensive?

Knottie32501435

Short Version: I know bouquet tosses aren't popular here. If a couple had a bouquet toss and no one was pressured or forced to participate, would you find it offensive?

Long Version: While I am not going to do a garter toss, I've been going back and forth on whether or not to have a bouquet toss. I've always felt pretty indifferent towards them, but I've also noticed how uncomfortable they can make other people. I don't want to make other people feel that way! However, when I mentioned in passing to several people at several different times that I wasn't planning to have one, people got upset. They all felt it was something fun. Since I'm not having a dance (or first dances) I'm pretty worried about my reception not being fun or feeling like a wedding reception.

I started looking for alternatives and found a few I liked, but ended up choosing against each one. For example: I decided against anniversary dance as my grandfather passed away earlier this year and I think it would make my grandmother sad not to be able to participate. If my grandfather were still here they would have been the longest married couple.

My venue's planner told me that since I am not having a dance I should plan an exit/something to signal the end so that people know that it's over and it's okay to leave if they wish. I'm not big on the exit since I want to stay until the end so I can spend as much times with my guests as possible. Plus I feel like I should help with the clean up. I thought the bouquet toss might not be a bad way to symbolize the end. On the other hand, I know some people feel strongly against bouquet tosses and I don't want to offend anyone. I'm wondering if I ensured the MC did not pressure anyone by making it clear that it was an only if you want to thing if it would be okay to do. Heck, I'd be open to opening it up to anyone regardless of marital status or gender, I'm just not sure that will fly with my conservative family.

Some numbers:
About 100 guests total
There are about 12 single women who I think would happily participate, the majority of these women are among those who have expressed regret that I am not having a bouquet toss
There are an additional 7 single women who I think would probably participate happily, but I'm not completely certain. I could also probably add in a few children.
There are 2 single women who are younger than 50 and would feel embarrassed if forced to participate, but again I want participation to be voluntary if I decide to have a bouquet toss.
There's also a number of widows over the age of 50, but I don't think they would feel any pressure to participate.

Thanks in advance for your feedback

flantastic

Knottie32501435 said:

Short Version: I know bouquet tosses aren't popular here. If a couple had a bouquet toss and no one was pressured or forced to participate, would you find it offensive?

Long Version: While I am not going to do a garter toss, I've been going back and forth on whether or not to have a bouquet toss. I've always felt pretty indifferent towards them, but I've also noticed how uncomfortable they can make other people. I don't want to make other people feel that way! However, when I mentioned in passing to several people at several different times that I wasn't planning to have one, people got upset. They all felt it was something fun. Since I'm not having a dance (or first dances) I'm pretty worried about my reception not being fun or feeling like a wedding reception.

I started looking for alternatives and found a few I liked, but ended up choosing against each one. For example: I decided against anniversary dance as my grandfather passed away earlier this year and I think it would make my grandmother sad not to be able to participate. If my grandfather were still here they would have been the longest married couple.

My venue's planner told me that since I am not having a dance I should plan an exit/something to signal the end so that people know that it's over and it's okay to leave if they wish. I'm not big on the exit since I want to stay until the end so I can spend as much times with my guests as possible. Plus I feel like I should help with the clean up. I thought the bouquet toss might not be a bad way to symbolize the end. On the other hand, I know some people feel strongly against bouquet tosses and I don't want to offend anyone. I'm wondering if I ensured the MC did not pressure anyone by making it clear that it was an only if you want to thing if it would be okay to do. Heck, I'd be open to opening it up to anyone regardless of marital status or gender, I'm just not sure that will fly with my conservative family.

Some numbers:
About 100 guests total
There are about 12 single women who I think would happily participate, the majority of these women are among those who have expressed regret that I am not having a bouquet toss
There are an additional 7 single women who I think would probably participate happily, but I'm not completely certain. I could also probably add in a few children.
There are 2 single women who are younger than 50 and would feel embarrassed if forced to participate, but again I want participation to be voluntary if I decide to have a bouquet toss.
There's also a number of widows over the age of 50, but I don't think they would feel any pressure to participate.

Thanks in advance for your feedback

What does something need in order to feel like a wedding reception? It's a party you have in order to greet your guests and thank them for coming. If you've got good music, good food, etc., it'll be a good wedding reception without any of the usual trappings. Your guests don't need to be entertained by going after a thrown bunch of flowers or watching a bunch of single women do so, and if that's really the only thing that you make everyone stop and watch, I feel like that'll add an odd feel to the party, as if having the bouquet toss and nothing else was your main priority.

Who is currently planning to clean up? I hope you didn't voluntell any family to do that. People can leave whenever they want - you really don't need to signal it.

greeninspring

People will leave when they're ready to leave. If you're worried people won't know that the venue is closing and it's over then just be sure to cut the music and turn on all the lights and everyone will get the hint. I've also seen the band announce that it was the last song of the night and the couple chose a great fun sing along song (Sweet Caroline) to end it on. 

I really think youre overthinking the bouquet toss. I personally have always enjoyed them and always participated. The only time I was upset about it was after I was engaged and the brides aunt still forced me to go out there so it'd look like a bigger crowd in the pictures. She said that since I was only engaged and not married I still had to go out there. 

If you want to do the toss, then do it. If not, then don't. I don't think you "need" a toss to make it feel like a wedding reception. Odds are most people won't even realize you didn't do one. 

Alaska_RockGirl

As a 39 year old woman who has been single at all the weddings I've attended, I hate the bouquet toss and find it offensive. There is nothing worse than some helpful person going around saying "you're single, go catch the bouquet!" I have never found it fun or enjoyable, even when I was a teenager. And though you might say it's voluntary participation there is no way of guaranteeing you also don't have a "helpful" person in the crowd who won't be quite so mindful of the voluntary part.

flantastic

greeninspring said:

If you want to do the toss, then do it. If not, then don't. I don't think you "need" a toss to make it feel like a wedding reception. Odds are most people won't even realize you didn't do one. 

Yep. They generally won't express their opinion on it unsolicited, either - it's not like people are wandering around with the big question on their minds if the weddings they attend will include a bouquet toss or not, even if they do enjoy them a lot.

Stop mentioning it to people.

geebee908

Alaska_RockGirl said:

As a 39 year old woman who has been single at all the weddings I've attended, I hate the bouquet toss and find it offensive. There is nothing worse than some helpful person going around saying "you're single, go catch the bouquet!" I have never found it fun or enjoyable, even when I was a teenager. And though you might say it's voluntary participation there is no way of guaranteeing you also don't have a "helpful" person in the crowd who won't be quite so mindful of the voluntary part.

This. No way to guarantee someone won't be pulled out onto the floor by "that guy."

flantastic

geebee908 said:

Alaska_RockGirl said:

As a 39 year old woman who has been single at all the weddings I've attended, I hate the bouquet toss and find it offensive. There is nothing worse than some helpful person going around saying "you're single, go catch the bouquet!" I have never found it fun or enjoyable, even when I was a teenager. And though you might say it's voluntary participation there is no way of guaranteeing you also don't have a "helpful" person in the crowd who won't be quite so mindful of the voluntary part.

This. No way to guarantee someone won't be pulled out onto the floor by "that guy."

I've told this story before, but I've been called up on the dance floor TWICE by name when "that guy" realized I wasn't going out there voluntarily and got the mic from the DJ. (He was the groom at one and the bride's brother at the other.)

banana468

I just walked up to my grandmother and gave her my bouquet.   No show, no DJ, just "You're awesome and the matriarch and I hope to be like you."  

We picked a song to end the night.   Easy peasy. 

Knottie32501435

Currently a cousin, her husband, and my parents are planning to clean up. All of them volunteered and I actually feel really uncomfortable asking people to help. I feel like it's too big a job for four people though so my fiance and I should also help.

We are having a few toasts during our meal or between courses (haven't given it a ton of thought yet). But other than that yeah not a lot of stopping just a meal followed by mingling.

I understand where you and greeninspring are coming from, but I also see my planner's point. She talked a lot about how usually the last dance is announced to signal closing or some people will just leave when they feel like it. But she also said that when there isn't a dance some people appreciate a bit of extra structure so they know they aren't being rude. She also said that having an exit adds a feeling of conclusion to end of the event. I feel like it wouldn't hurt to have something to do at the end of the reception or between the meal and mingling, I just don't know what.

Thanks for your thoughts though. It's always good to get multiple opinions.

greeninspring

Are you doing a cake cutting? In my circle, guests are free to leave after the cake cutting. Of course they're free to leave whenever they'd like but the cake cutting kind of signals "okay we've gotten married, ate dinner, here's dessert" if you leave now you won't be missing out on anything else other than just mingling/dancing. 

greeninspring

I kind of used bad wording on my last reply. Just want to clear up that I don't ever expect any guest to be held and not allowed to leave till the cake cutting lol. They are free to leave whenever they want. 

levioosa

Knottie32501435 said:

Currently a cousin, her husband, and my parents are planning to clean up. All of them volunteered and I actually feel really uncomfortable asking people to help. I feel like it's too big a job for four people though so my fiance and I should also help.

We are having a few toasts during our meal or between courses (haven't given it a ton of thought yet). But other than that yeah not a lot of stopping just a meal followed by mingling.

I understand where you and greeninspring are coming from, but I also see my planner's point. She talked a lot about how usually the last dance is announced to signal closing or some people will just leave when they feel like it. But she also said that when there isn't a dance some people appreciate a bit of extra structure so they know they aren't being rude. She also said that having an exit adds a feeling of conclusion to end of the event. I feel like it wouldn't hurt to have something to do at the end of the reception or between the meal and mingling, I just don't know what.

Thanks for your thoughts though. It's always good to get multiple opinions.

Your family really shouldn't be cleaning up.  If there is any room in the budget I would hire people to clean up at the end.  That kind of sounds like something your wedding planner should be taking care of anyways.  If the budget is tight, I would cut something nonessential to make that happen.  

To answer your question: I don't think bouquet tosses are offensive, but I'm not a huge fan of them either.  Honestly, I notice when hey are skipped because I'm kind of glad people don't get dragged onto the floor.  I would say 2/3 of the time I've seen the bouquet toss there has been "that guy" dragging single ladies onto the floor.  

I think a last song, or the lights gradually becoming less dim are totally fine ways of showing the event is coming to a close.  People aren't going to feel hostage to the event.  If they're tired they'll leave.  

Knottie32501435

greeninspring said:

Are you doing a cake cutting? In my circle, guests are free to leave after the cake cutting. Of course they're free to leave whenever they'd like but the cake cutting kind of signals "okay we've gotten married, ate dinner, here's dessert" if you leave now you won't be missing out on anything else other than just mingling/dancing. 

greeninspring said:

I kind of used bad wording on my last reply. Just want to clear up that I don't ever expect any guest to be held and not allowed to leave till the cake cutting lol. They are free to leave whenever they want. 

Sorry if you didn't see the last reply to you, I forgot to quote your original message in it. We're not having a cake cutting, but man I wish we were! (Well aside from the feeding each other part, but I really love cake!) But yeah that's the sort of signal my planner meant. We ended up deciding against cake because we're having a lunch time reception the the portions were already pretty big, plus we couldn't really find an affordable one. But hey maybe we'll reopen the idea because that sounds pretty good.

Knottie32501435

flantastic said:

greeninspring said:

If you want to do the toss, then do it. If not, then don't. I don't think you "need" a toss to make it feel like a wedding reception. Odds are most people won't even realize you didn't do one. 

Yep. They generally won't express their opinion on it unsolicited, either - it's not like people are wandering around with the big question on their minds if the weddings they attend will include a bouquet toss or not, even if they do enjoy them a lot.

Stop mentioning it to people.

I replied to your first message earlier, but I forgot to quote you in it so I don't know if if was clear that it was meant for you. I'm sure no one's going to notice if I don't have it. I can't say I ever had at other weddings. I also haven't mentioned it to people for months. It only ever really came up around the time I was ordering my flowers and there was lots of "helpful" advice to order a toss bouquet. It's not like I care about the tradition. I just thought it might fill a niche and wanted to know if it was possible to include it tastefully in a way that wouldn't embarrass anyone. If there weren't people saying that they would enjoy it I wouldn't even consider it. 

greeninspring

Ohh I just had an idea...not sure how your reception is setup and if it's lunchtime then it might be harder. After lunch and when it's time for just dancing/mingling the rest of the party, you could have the DJ just turn the music up a notch or two and dim the lights in the reception hall for dancing. That might sort of signal to people but again it depends what kind of reception you're having. 

kahluakoala

Knottie32501435 said:

Short Version: I know bouquet tosses aren't popular here. If a couple had a bouquet toss and no one was pressured or forced to participate, would you find it offensive?

Long Version: While I am not going to do a garter toss, I've been going back and forth on whether or not to have a bouquet toss. I've always felt pretty indifferent towards them, but I've also noticed how uncomfortable they can make other people. I don't want to make other people feel that way! However, when I mentioned in passing to several people at several different times that I wasn't planning to have one, people got upset. They all felt it was something fun. Since I'm not having a dance (or first dances) I'm pretty worried about my reception not being fun or feeling like a wedding reception.

I started looking for alternatives and found a few I liked, but ended up choosing against each one. For example: I decided against anniversary dance as my grandfather passed away earlier this year and I think it would make my grandmother sad not to be able to participate. If my grandfather were still here they would have been the longest married couple.

My venue's planner told me that since I am not having a dance I should plan an exit/something to signal the end so that people know that it's over and it's okay to leave if they wish. I'm not big on the exit since I want to stay until the end so I can spend as much times with my guests as possible. Plus I feel like I should help with the clean up. I thought the bouquet toss might not be a bad way to symbolize the end. On the other hand, I know some people feel strongly against bouquet tosses and I don't want to offend anyone. I'm wondering if I ensured the MC did not pressure anyone by making it clear that it was an only if you want to thing if it would be okay to do. Heck, I'd be open to opening it up to anyone regardless of marital status or gender, I'm just not sure that will fly with my conservative family.

Some numbers:
About 100 guests total
There are about 12 single women who I think would happily participate, the majority of these women are among those who have expressed regret that I am not having a bouquet toss
There are an additional 7 single women who I think would probably participate happily, but I'm not completely certain. I could also probably add in a few children.
There are 2 single women who are younger than 50 and would feel embarrassed if forced to participate, but again I want participation to be voluntary if I decide to have a bouquet toss.
There's also a number of widows over the age of 50, but I don't think they would feel any pressure to participate.

Thanks in advance for your feedback

OP - sounds like you're being very considerate of your guests comfort and feelings. As far as a "signal to leave", many people consider the cake cutting to do this. I know guests can leave whenever, but many want to feel like they want to stay through all the "events" - first dance, toasts, whatever.

To answer the original question - no I do not find it offensive, but I also do not find it fun. I've seen it done at about half the weddings I attended, I really enjoyed it when I was younger (like, 7-12 years old) because I think it was more of a cute thing. When I would attend weddings as a single adult, I found it fairly embarrassing but was never dragged to the stage so I just didn't participate. As a coupled off but not engaged adult, I don't participate because I don't want to draw attention to my status or make my BF feel weird. You know? 

OurWildKingdom

I think the bouquet toss is corny, but not offensive. The garter toss is really offensive to me. Of course that may be colored by memories of my brother's wedding when I caught the bouquet and all the guys - including my BF at the time - ran in the other direction when my brother tossed the garter. 

charlotte989875

Yah I don't think I'd call the bouquet toss offensive exactly; a little unnecessary and annoying in my book, but not exactly offensive. If you want to do it, great. If you don't, skip it. 

If youre not doing a cake cutting, what about putting coffee/tea/desserts out; serves the same purpose as signaling the last part of the evening. I disagree that you need a formal announcement, or staged exit, people will get the point. 

Jen4948

I think it isn't offensive per se but it has the potential to be offensive (like when overly "helpful" people pressure single women who don't want to participate to catch it).

If that "helpful" person is prevented from annoying anyone who doesn't want to participate, then it's ok.

downtondiva

I don't know that I'd go so far as to say I find bouquet tosses offensive, but I do think they are corny and unnecessary. I didn't have one at my wedding and I can pretty much guarantee you that no one missed it. Even if your friends are bummed that you aren't doing one, that's not a reason to do it if you're not comfortable with it. 

As @charlotte989875 pointed out, serving dessert could help signal to guests that the event is nearing its conclusion and that it's okay to leave if they wish. As far as a formal announcement goes, I think that's only necessary if your venue has told you that you absolutely must by out by a certain time. 

southernbelle0915

I'm not personally offended by a bouquet toss, but I understand why they make some women feel unnecessarily pressured and uncomfortable. It sounds like you don't really want to do one. So don't. People love giving their opinions on wedding plans ("you HAVE to do this" "NEVER do that"). There are very few things that fall into the must/must not categories. This isn't one of them. 

It sounds like you're worried about having enough "events" to fill the time. Here's a sample timeline without first dances, tosses, etc. to show you it won't be boring without these things:

5-6pm - cocktail hour
6:00 - B&G intro and host toast (whoever is hosting - you, your folks, his folks? - just say thanks for coming, please be seated and dinner will be served...)
6:05-6:50 - dinner and table visits
6:50-7 - MOH/BM toasts (if doing)
7-8 - dancing/socializing
8:00 - cake cutting
8-end - dancing and party

ernursej

I didn't have any dancing, cake cutting, tosses or 'stuff' at my reception. Some people left right after dessert was finished and others stayed until 11pm. We had a very simple dinner reception. No one needed a cue to leave. I think your planner is overthinking this. Don't worry about something special to signal the end.

ei34

OurWildKingdom said:

I think the bouquet toss is corny, but not offensive. The garter toss is really offensive to me. Of course that may be colored by memories of my brother's wedding when I caught the bouquet and all the guys - including my BF at the time - ran in the other direction when my brother tossed the garter. 

Ugh...sorry OWK.  Some people are such losers 

OP another vote for no one will miss the garter toss/try to find it in your budget to have someone other than family clean up.

OurWildKingdom

eileenrob said:

OurWildKingdom said:

I think the bouquet toss is corny, but not offensive. The garter toss is really offensive to me. Of course that may be colored by memories of my brother's wedding when I caught the bouquet and all the guys - including my BF at the time - ran in the other direction when my brother tossed the garter. 

Ugh...sorry OWK.  Some people are such losers 

OP another vote for no one will miss the garter toss/try to find it in your budget to have someone other than family clean up.

It might have had something to do with the fact that my brother and my Dad are kind of intimidating-looking. But yeah, I dodged a bullet with that BF. He married someone who tolerates him better than I did.

MesmrEwe

This is one - go ahead and make the call yourself!  If you want to have one, go for it!  There are ways to do it that can be fun, like anything wedding related it's all in how you approach it with your energy.  It's when things are overproduced and things like placing the garter on the gal who caught the bouquet that it's overboard and offensive.  Otherwise, I find it NBD...  

We did have both, The "Toss bouquet" I actually made myself and it was 8 smaller bouquets together so the second I tossed it, it went in 8 different directions.  

Ro041

I will say as someone who DESPISES the bouquet toss, I don't stick around to find out if anyone is going to pressure me into going up there.  The minute the DJ says, "All you single ladies out there...." my ass is out of my chair and running for the nearest place to hide.  I won't risk being called out by "that guy".

SP29

We had both a bouquet and garter toss- but we opened it up to anyone (not just single people- we had very few truly single guests at our wedding) and offered a gift card to whoever caught them. But they are completely unnecessary and corny. We did them because we thought we were "supposed" to.

However, these tosses have never signaled the end of the reception. Later in the evening yes, but not at the end. So I don't think doing them or not is going to help.

At our evening reception, the bar tender gave a last call, and the DJ said, "this is the last dance of the night"- pretty obvious . We stayed until the end too.

I suppose it is a bit harder with a lunch reception to know exactly when it ends, but if you have music, you could do a change in music style. Or perhaps a "farewell" toast.

short+sassy

I don't think bouquet tosses are offensive, but they can make people feel uncomfortable if there is pressure (from anyone) to participate.  They're not necessary at all.

I didn't have one.  I've been to other weddings that did not have them.  Though I didn't even realize that until this post made me think about it, lol.  At the time, I didn't even notice a toss had not been done.

JediElizabeth

I don't think bouquet tosses are offensive now, but I hope they become something side-eye worthy in the future. Of all the reception traditions, this one (and the garter toss) seems to be the most tailor-made to make some guests uncomfortable - and for the entertainment of other guests!

(Never mind the feminist critique of singling out single ladies to compete to be the next one to marry....I love the idea of inviting everyone to catch the bouquet for a gift card instead, btw, if only to circumvent that ugly bit of history.) 

I won't be having one, although some of my family is pushing for it. 

thisismynickname2

Totally agree with @JediElizabeth
about the feminist view of bouquet tosses. 
Especially as you get older and more people are married, singling out your few single friends or relatives is just obnoxious. Forget "that guy," there's always "that older lady" trying to get the young ones on the dance floor. BLECH.

Skip it without shame, OP. 

ahoywedding

They're not offensive but honestly I think they're super sexist and outdated. And really, people will know when it's time to leave. You could have the DJ play a song like "Closing Time" (super overdone, but people get the point) or our old high school dance standby "Happy Trails" (suuuuuper cheesy but hey it's kind of funny!), or maybe the venue can start turning the lights back on, picking up tables, etc. You don't need any kind of grand exit or sign the party is over.