Do you find the bouquet toss offensive?

SP29

mollybarker11 said:

When my brother threw the garter, it flopped on the floor in front of the group of single men who all realized they'd had the same idea to not try and catch it. There was a scramble, a very drunk middle-aged man claimed it, and performed the longest "sexy" dance of all time before running the garter up my calf (I stopped him at the knee).

I've heard of this, but I've never actually seen it done. And thank goodness- that is horrifying!

I'm fine with the "lets do this silly antiquated tradition for fun", but making people uncomfortable is not cool.

ILoveBeachMusic

I never heard of the guy who catches the garter putting it on the woman who catches the bouquet until I came to the knot. Glad I missed that tradition. For my own wedding, I tossed the bouquet and had a picture taken with my MOH who caught it. I think my BIL caught the garter but we don't have a picture of it so I'm not sure.

At recent wedding I've attended (the last six or so years) neither tradition was done. I am not offended by a bouquet toss, but would not like a rude person insisting on ladies going forward if they don't want to do so.

lovesclimbing

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I never heard of the guy who catches the garter putting it on the woman who catches the bouquet until I came to the knot. Glad I missed that tradition. For my own wedding, I tossed the bouquet and had a picture taken with my MOH who caught it. I think my BIL caught the garter but we don't have a picture of it so I'm not sure.

At recent wedding I've attended (the last six or so years) neither tradition was done. I am not offended by a bouquet toss, but would not like a rude person insisting on ladies going forward if they don't want to do so.

Ditto. I have never seen that done at any of the weddings I've attended. 

OurWildKingdom

CMGragain said:

I don't really care if the bouquet toss is done, or not done.  When my daughter threw hers at her wedding, the bouquet sailed over the heads of the women and landed right in the lap of her new father-in-law, who was very surprised in a traditional Chinese fashion!  (I think those were Chinese cuss words.)  It was very funny.
I didn't throw my own bouquet.  I gave it to my grandmother, instead.

I love both of those!

I also love the idea of having kids catch the bouquet. If you're having a child-friendly wedding, that may be a great route to take.

Subwayloves

We did both the bouquet and garter toss, mainly because a good amount of our crowd is younger/single, and it was just for fun. We would have likely not done either if our crowd was mostly married, and of course we wouldn't force anyone to participate! One of my good friends caught the bouquet, and then the guys let her boyfriend get the garter (this has been the same situation at the last few weddings I've went to). I think it's just a fun tradition to go if you have people that WANT to participate, but no one should ever be forced to do anything or put in an awkward situation!

banana468

Subwayloves said:

We did both the bouquet and garter toss, mainly because a good amount of our crowd is younger/single, and it was just for fun. We would have likely not done either if our crowd was mostly married, and of course we wouldn't force anyone to participate! One of my good friends caught the bouquet, and then the guys let her boyfriend get the garter (this has been the same situation at the last few weddings I've went to). I think it's just a fun tradition to go if you have people that WANT to participate, but no one should ever be forced to do anything or put in an awkward situation!

I can tell you that when I was ever IN a bouquet toss, there were plenty of women standing there that didn't want to be there but felt like they HAD to be.

I have also never seen one that didn't have bullshit pressure from a DJ, bride, or others.

drunkenwitch

I hate the bouquet toss with the white hot fire of a thousand suns, because there is always ALWAYS some asshole (guest, DJ, bride, groom etc) who has to make a huge scene if a single woman doesn't want to participate and goes out of his/her way to humiliate said woman quietly minding her own business and the then the rest of the guests get in on the harassing as well like a pack of blood drama thirsty "Real Housewives".

I have been known to run full speed in 3 inch heels and hide behind a tree outside the venue to get away from that bullshit.  

holyguacamole79

This thread reminded me of another story .... shortly before her wedding, one of my friends emailed all of her single girlfriends, asking "If I do the bouquet toss, will anyone come out, or will you all run into the bathroom?"  I like that she recognized that it's an awkward event (most of us were in our late 20s / early 30s).  Most of us said we'd rather not do it, so she didn't.

CharmedPam

I hid around the corner for my SIL and brother's wedding since they were calling out everyone who was not married to the floor for the toss.  Oops.  I'm in the bathroom I guess?  I was completely single, and just starting to talk online to my now DH. 

2 years and 4 months later, I got married.  I didn't even need to catch the bouquet!  I know.  That concept is lost on me too. 

edit for words

CMGragain

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

flantastic

CMGragain said:

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

Me to DJ: "That's not happening." and walking away.

CMGragain

flantastic said:

CMGragain said:

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

Me to DJ: "That's not happening." and walking away.

  I dislike DJs at wedding receptions.  So many of them think being crude and suggestive is funny.  Yawn.  Daughter did without a DJ at her own wedding.  It was fine.

Daughter's solution at the other wedding was OK.  She reassured the kid and told him she would help him.  I think if she had made a big scene about it (It crossed her mind.) the child might have been even more embarrassed.  Personally, I would have had some words with the DJ afterwards!

I don't mind the bouquet toss if it is done tastefully, but I think the garter toss is inappropriate at any wedding.  I never heard of it until the 1990s.

flantastic

CMGragain said:

flantastic said:

CMGragain said:

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

Me to DJ: "That's not happening." and walking away.

  I dislike DJs at wedding receptions.  So many of them think being crude and suggestive is funny.  Yawn.  Daughter did without a DJ at her own wedding.  It was fine.

Daughter's solution at the other wedding was OK.  She reassured the kid and told him she would help him.  I think if she had made a big scene about it (It crossed her mind.) the child might have been even more embarrassed.  Personally, I would have had some words with the DJ afterwards!

I don't mind the bouquet toss if it is done tastefully, but I think the garter toss is inappropriate at any wedding.  I never heard of it until the 1990s.

Eh, I'd rather the kid be embarrassed than have the chance of accidentally seeing up an adult woman's skirt. Better I make the scene, if there needs to be one, than his mom have to come up and take him out of the situation (even more embarrassing). Hence my choice of reaction. I think there are reasonably subtle but firm ways to get the point that "I'm not going to cooperate with your idiocy" across to the DJ.

I know that's hard to sort out in the moment, so I don't blame your daughter for her choice.

banana468

CMGragain said:

flantastic said:

CMGragain said:

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

Me to DJ: "That's not happening." and walking away.

  I dislike DJs at wedding receptions.  So many of them think being crude and suggestive is funny.  Yawn.  Daughter did without a DJ at her own wedding.  It was fine.

Daughter's solution at the other wedding was OK.  She reassured the kid and told him she would help him.  I think if she had made a big scene about it (It crossed her mind.) the child might have been even more embarrassed.  Personally, I would have had some words with the DJ afterwards!

I don't mind the bouquet toss if it is done tastefully, but I think the garter toss is inappropriate at any wedding.  I never heard of it until the 1990s.

I don't think that has to do with a DJ at all.   You could also have the same crudeness with a band leader.

But I DO think that this means that you have to appropriately interview and tell your DJ or band what you expect for entertainment.

We were clear from the start that we weren't doing a bouquet toss, garter toss, no group dances and no line dances.   We wanted him to judge the crowd and play appropriate music.   That's what he did.

What is frustrating is any wedding vendor who insists on a silly tradition for tradition's sake. 

southernbelle0915

CMGragain said:

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

A 6 year old catching lingerie is weird to begin with. But as soon as that happens, game over. Activity ended. No more. 

Where were this kid's parents? Why did anyone allow this to go forward in any form or fashion? Why? Why wasn't the coaching "you don't have to do things that adults tell you to do that involve lingerie and touching." 

sparklepants41

southernbelle0915 said:

CMGragain said:

My daughter was at a wedding where she caught the bouquet.  The garter was caught by a six year old little boy!  The DJ insisted going through the garter ceremony.  Fortunately, my daughter was an elementary school teacher, so she coached the kid on what to do and reassured him that it was OK when he got it half way up her calf.  Poor kid!

A 6 year old catching lingerie is weird to begin with. But as soon as that happens, game over. Activity ended. No more. 

Where were this kid's parents? Why did anyone allow this to go forward in any form or fashion? Why? Why wasn't the coaching "you don't have to do things that adults tell you to do that involve lingerie and touching." 

Exactly this. I would be so appalled if an adult - especially one who is placed in charge of young children - coached my child to put a piece of lingerie up her leg regardless of how high up it went. 

OwningAHome1981

flantastic said:

Knottie32501435 said:

Short Version: I know bouquet tosses aren't popular here. If a couple had a bouquet toss and no one was pressured or forced to participate, would you find it offensive?

Long Version: While I am not going to do a garter toss, I've been going back and forth on whether or not to have a bouquet toss. I've always felt pretty indifferent towards them, but I've also noticed how uncomfortable they can make other people. I don't want to make other people feel that way! However, when I mentioned in passing to several people at several different times that I wasn't planning to have one, people got upset. They all felt it was something fun. Since I'm not having a dance (or first dances) I'm pretty worried about my reception not being fun or feeling like a wedding reception.

I started looking for alternatives and found a few I liked, but ended up choosing against each one. For example: I decided against anniversary dance as my grandfather passed away earlier this year and I think it would make my grandmother sad not to be able to participate. If my grandfather were still here they would have been the longest married couple.

My venue's planner told me that since I am not having a dance I should plan an exit/something to signal the end so that people know that it's over and it's okay to leave if they wish. I'm not big on the exit since I want to stay until the end so I can spend as much times with my guests as possible. Plus I feel like I should help with the clean up. I thought the bouquet toss might not be a bad way to symbolize the end. On the other hand, I know some people feel strongly against bouquet tosses and I don't want to offend anyone. I'm wondering if I ensured the MC did not pressure anyone by making it clear that it was an only if you want to thing if it would be okay to do. Heck, I'd be open to opening it up to anyone regardless of marital status or gender, I'm just not sure that will fly with my conservative family.

Some numbers:
About 100 guests total
There are about 12 single women who I think would happily participate, the majority of these women are among those who have expressed regret that I am not having a bouquet toss
There are an additional 7 single women who I think would probably participate happily, but I'm not completely certain. I could also probably add in a few children.
There are 2 single women who are younger than 50 and would feel embarrassed if forced to participate, but again I want participation to be voluntary if I decide to have a bouquet toss.
There's also a number of widows over the age of 50, but I don't think they would feel any pressure to participate.

Thanks in advance for your feedback

What does something need in order to feel like a wedding reception? It's a party you have in order to greet your guests and thank them for coming. If you've got good music, good food, etc., it'll be a good wedding reception without any of the usual trappings. Your guests don't need to be entertained by going after a thrown bunch of flowers or watching a bunch of single women do so, and if that's really the only thing that you make everyone stop and watch, I feel like that'll add an odd feel to the party, as if having the bouquet toss and nothing else was your main priority.

Who is currently planning to clean up? I hope you didn't voluntell any family to do that. People can leave whenever they want - you really don't need to signal it.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride told us we needed to stay after & help clean up. It was in another state and I had a 2 hr drive home but even if I didn't... so so so tacky to do people. That's what the venue staff is for! I pretty much told her to go f herself

CMGragain

@OwningAHome1981, I appreciate your response, but today you are hopping all around the boards and digging up old threads.  I, personally, find this a bit irritating.
If you have a questions, feel free to start a new thread.

southernbelle0915

@CMGragain  -   If a thread is bumped that's older than 6 months, we'll close it.  If you see that a thread gets bumped and it's too old for your liking, just don't respond and let it sink back down. You don't need to police the boards scolding people for this. It's super obnoxious.

OwningAHome1981

southernbelle0915 said:

@CMGragain  -   If a thread is bumped that's older than 6 months, we'll close it.  If you see that a thread gets bumped and it's too old for your liking, just don't respond and let it sink back down. You don't need to police the boards scolding people for this. It's super obnoxious.

WORD.

kahluakoala

None of these boards are super active - this was on the first page...come on

CMGragain

So why are you singling me out?  I saw this advice given by two other Knotties in the past few weeks, and nobody objected.  @OwningAHome1981 was all over the boards, yesterday, digging up stale posts.  I only commented on this one, and I was polite about it.

I think we should start asking why the boards are slow.  Why The Knot has hidden the link to us on their home page.  Why the technical support is incredibly bad.  I am becoming a bit frustrated, and I think some of you share this.

I welcome new people, but old posts are irritating.

MobKaz

CMGragain said:

So why are you singling me out?  I saw this advice given by two other Knotties in the past few weeks, and nobody objected.  @OwningAHome1981 was all over the boards, yesterday, digging up stale posts.  I only commented on this one, and I was polite about it.

I think we should start asking why the boards are slow.  Why The Knot has hidden the link to us on their home page.  Why the technical support is incredibly bad.  I am becoming a bit frustrated, and I think some of you share this.

I welcome new people, but old posts are irritating.

I have to agree to an extent.  One post in particular actually had a response from April, from I believe the OP, who began with the statement, "UPDATE: This post has a happy ending."  Granted, the thread is only 7 weeks old, but it had clearly run its course, as per the statement from the OP.  It seemed silly to comment further.  Is it harmless?  Sure.  But I can see how it gets old, fast.  It also seems a bit odd considering a poster who had been absent suddenly returns with a flurry of activity.

At the rate The Knot is quickly turning into an old west ghost town, complete with tumbleweeds, I suppose any activity is better than none.  Even with being paged, @KnotRiley is beyond unresponsive.

ernursej

southernbelle0915 said:

@CMGragain  -   If a thread is bumped that's older than 6 months, we'll close it.  If you see that a thread gets bumped and it's too old for your liking, just don't respond and let it sink back down. You don't need to police the boards scolding people for this. It's super obnoxious.

I've certainly called out posters for posting on a thread after a reasonable amount of time has passed and seen several other regular posters doing the same. It seems that after 6-8 weeks, it isn't wrong to provide some direction to new knot posters about starting new threads.

@CMGragain was polite in her post. I don't see that she crossed a line.

lovesclimbing

CMGragain said:

So why are you singling me out?  I saw this advice given by two other Knotties in the past few weeks, and nobody objected.  @OwningAHome1981 was all over the boards, yesterday, digging up stale posts.  I only commented on this one, and I was polite about it.

I think we should start asking why the boards are slow.  Why The Knot has hidden the link to us on their home page.  Why the technical support is incredibly bad.  I am becoming a bit frustrated, and I think some of you share this.

I welcome new people, but old posts are irritating.

I was just about to post this in cmg's defense. I see people post stuff like Cmg did on posts that are only a month or two old frequently. As best as I can remember, this is the first time I've seen anyone get called out for it. 

JediElizabeth

KahluaKoala said:

None of these boards are super active - this was on the first page...come on

MobKaz said:

CMGragain said:

So why are you singling me out?  I saw this advice given by two other Knotties in the past few weeks, and nobody objected.  @OwningAHome1981 was all over the boards, yesterday, digging up stale posts.  I only commented on this one, and I was polite about it.

I think we should start asking why the boards are slow.  Why The Knot has hidden the link to us on their home page.  Why the technical support is incredibly bad.  I am becoming a bit frustrated, and I think some of you share this.

I welcome new people, but old posts are irritating.

I have to agree to an extent.  One post in particular actually had a response from April, from I believe the OP, who began with the statement, "UPDATE: This post has a happy ending."  Granted, the thread is only 7 weeks old, but it had clearly run its course, as per the statement from the OP.  It seemed silly to comment further.  Is it harmless?  Sure.  But I can see how it gets old, fast.  It also seems a bit odd considering a poster who had been absent suddenly returns with a flurry of activity.

At the rate The Knot is quickly turning into an old west ghost town, complete with tumbleweeds, I suppose any activity is better than none.  Even with being paged, @KnotRiley is beyond unresponsive.

Honestly, and without trying single anyone out, I think there's an issue on the knot where often when someone comes with a problem or poor etiquette, they get treated to a round of "really, this again?" and other snark that comes with the same problems over and over....which it is to us, but these are brand new to the new people coming here. It can be very off-putting, and probably contributes to those who do find TK not sticking around.  (I'm no angel and have probably done this too.)

Just saying, we could probably be nicer about helping new people learn. I came here with some pretty awful etiquette ideas, including almost caving to my then-FMIL on an engagement party a year after our engagement (and year before the wedding) for all of her friends who we couldn't afford to invite to the wedding but who she wanted to show us off to. People were mostly kind but firm with me and I figured out the right way to manage that and other situations, without immediately feeling berated for not knowing any better. 

CMGragain

,,,,but how are they supposed to FIND us when The Knot took us off their homepage?  I don't think most brides looking at The Knot page even know we exist.

kwiksilver

To be honest, I find these boards to be pretty harsh.  I get that it's frustrating to see the same questions over and over (I belong to a number of FB groups where it's literally just a revolving door of the same 5 questions) but it's almost like some of the regulars are just *waiting* to pounce when a bride posts about PPDs, cash bars, or some other etiquette faux pas.

I AM ALSO GUILTY OF THIS and I recognize it now that I've reflected on why this place seems to be less active than it used to be (I've been lurking here for years).

I came here on the cusp of making some mistakes, and I had to pretty thoroughly defend myself.  I've been blogging about my personal life in various corners of the internet for over a decade, so I am used to being attacked.  I have a thick skin, but many women do not, so I can absolutely appreciate why many, many brides would be completely off-put.  One only has to read through a few threads (especially the ones with lots of replies) to be totally turned off of this place.

Once my wedding is over, I am doubtful I will continue participating.  I don't even plan to post about my wedding in the recap section because I don't feel like opening myself up to commentary/criticism from a number of Knotties who have made their disapproval of my plans exceedingly clear (even though none of them are directly poor etiquette or breaking any of the cardinal rules).

I have definitely found some support and encouragement here, along with some good advice, but there are plenty of times I didn't comment/start a new thread because I just wasn't emotionally capable of tolerating any sort of snideness or criticism at that moment.  I find myself bracing whenever I post, and there's been plenty of questions I just asked elsewhere. 

Many of you ladies are WONDERFUL, please don't get the wrong idea.  It only takes a few though to make it kind of rotten.  It's sad, but I see it a lot (as mentioned, I run in a lot of internet circles).  Honestly the guidance for new brides here can be amazing, if they can hold out through some of the less awesome parts.

MairePoppy

@kwiksilver I'll be disappointed if you don't post a recap of your wedding. You had some unusual elements and I'd love to see the highlights. I'm sorry the negative feedback has discouraged you from sharing.

charlotte989875

I agree with @JediElizabeth; there's definitely a strain of "oh this again, why don't you just read the pinned pos" when there is a common etiquette question. It's not like there are dozens of completely new, unique etiquette questions springing up daily. I'm not saying we sugar-coat and endorse poor etiquette, but there is definitely a better (and more welcoming) way to respond then "why didn't you just read this other thing".