Dad Refusing to Come to my Wedding

kimmiinthemitten

elilik01 said:

CMGragain ...You are just nasty. Nasty, nasty, nasty. I asked for advice, it was your choice to reply and to keep following. I don't want people to "feel sorry" for me, I have never been in this situation and thought I'd reach out on a wedding board. So sorry to have caused you so much anger where it sounds like your eyes are bulging out of their sockets. Perhaps if you pet your lovely little cat you can calm down a bit and go on with your day. 

To everyone else that probably thinks I'm being an asshat but didn't have need to bash a stranger online, thank you for your responses, advice, and hard-truths. My dad's SO will be invited to the rehearsal dinner and reception, and that is something our family counselor came up with that my dad liked and I agreed to. Perhaps in the next few months my heart will soften to the point I will extend an invite to the ceremony as well.

What you don't know is that I have no mother to do the plannings, tastings, and shopping with. my dad has stated that he would very much like to participate but only if his GF can come, which I am not okay with or ready for. So to have her shoved own my throat at a time when I'm trying to repair a relationship with my father, isn't quit ideal.  Luckily I have amazing friends, family, soon-to-be in-laws, and a fiance that are lending love, time, and support to make this a great time and process and at the end of the day, I agree with those of you who say my focus will be on my husband to be. He's my best friend and the only person that matters to me that day and the days to come will be him.

Again, thank you.

Actually, we do know this.  It's the whole point of your post.

The reaction here has strongly been:  sorry for your loss, find a way to manage your own grief without taking it out on your father who learned to manage his and go on continuing his life.

I can't imagine your mother would want you, your father or anyone else to suffer in grief.  It's been five years.  She would want you guys to move on and enjoy your lives.  Your father included.

geebee908

You also realize that you don't need to do any planning with anyone other than your FI. You already have someone in your FI to do planning, tastings and shopping with who is as excited about your wedding as you are. You don't need anyone else. It's not a mother's or father's job to do these things, and if you don't want/need your dad's help with these, then don't ask him.

But do try to get over not having SM at your wedding if you want to repair your relationship with your father. If you don't invite her, you might find the relationship impossible to repair at that point.

climbingsingle

So, are you saying that your dad's wife will not be invited to your ceremony? Just the rehearsal and the reception? 

elilik01

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

kimmiinthemitten

I deleted the following from my last response but decided to reword it and post it. 

Theres a woman in this conversation who recently found out there is nothing more her doctors can do for her cancer. She could wallow in self pity and grief, but instead has chosen to travel with her H and spend time with her family. 

Death sucks but its not a permission slip to be rude. You don't know the stories of the people you chose to insult. 

climbingsingle

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

Listen, I agree that you should be able to see your dad and spend some one on one time with him. But he is marrying her next month. This is going to be his wife. You keep referring to her as "GF". You need to accept the fact that she is going to be his wife. If he wants her included in these activities, that's HIS choice. And you have a choice to say no. 

Also, my mom didn't plan my wedding with me. It was just me and my now husband. I shopped with my MOH and other friends. I barely even saw my dad during the time I was planning my wedding. He never called and asked how anything was going. He showed up the day of and walked me down the aisle. That's it. He had ZERO interest in anything involving my wedding. But guess what? Come the day of the wedding, the only thing I was focused on was my H. The damn pope could have shown up and I don't think I would have realized. 

charlotte989875

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

Everyone's planning experience, everyone's life experience is different. Would it be great if you could have the same experience as your friends? Of course. And it's fine to wish that things were different. However, the reality is not everyone's planning experience will be the same. 

I didn't have a great time planning, and yes at times it was really disappointing. But at the end of the day throwing a tantrum about how other people get a wonderful, bonding experience, isn't going to change your current situation. I get wanting your dad to be involved, but if he can't or isn't interested dwelling on that won't get your wedding planned, and it will likely only drive you two further apart. 

No one is trying to "burn you at the stake" they're urging you to see your own role in your unhappiness and how choosing to react the way that you have been will only cause further disappointment. 

NiceKindaSpice

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

Oh my goodness. If you want one on one time with your dad, have it. Take him to dinner. Arrange a (possibly regular) activity that both of you like. Go out to a movie. You get the gist. Your wedding just isn't the time or place. 

The way it's coming across to me, you are threatened by your dad's FI. That is your mental bridge to cross (with assistance from professionals and/or loved ones). 

I'm with you on you spending time alone with your dad, because I think it'll help you get over said insecurity. 
I ALSO think you should spend time with dad & his FI, and just his FI. You can start with a little and whatnot. But you need to get over this. For your own sake AND theirs. 

Best of luck. 

flantastic

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

Not everyone gets an ideal planning experience. You're allowed to be disappointed about that. But the adult reaction is to plan your wedding with your FI.

Tell your dad you want to spend some father-daughter time together, and it's nothing against his SO (which he may well not believe, and I wouldn't blame him). However - don't make it about your wedding. Just ask him to go out to lunch. If you really want to spend time with him, it shouldn't have to be connected to your wedding. The most important person in your wedding planning should be your FI, and anyone else's interest or participation is gravy.

You not getting what your friends have is not an excuse to be rude to your father's wife.

LondonLisa

OP, would you honestly go to a wedding of a family member after they explicitly said they hated your husband and therefore he wasn't invited? 

geebee908

I don't think you're wrong to want only your dad with you for wedding planning visits, but again, you can't control that he wants to include his FI. So, how do you react to that? Find the positive in getting to have some time with your FI to do these things and get excited for your day. Please don't dwell in the negative of the things you can't control.

Several PPs have told you that you won't really notice your dad's wife's presence at your ceremony. It's really a very small thing in the grand scheme of things, but your reaction is blowing it all out of proportion. Your attitude (if you want a good relationship with your dad) should be that her presence will make him happy, and you don't have to spend more than 30 seconds being cordial to her.

MissKittyDanger

For reference

- one of my friends does not have a relationship with her mother and never knew her father, so when she got married she had her FSIL go with her to find a dress

- my mother's grandmother {whom she was very close to - closer than her own mother} passed away a month before her wedding

- my own wedding planning was hard because I was in shoes similar to yours, my dad wasn't around for things he was suppose to be. You will ALWAYS feel that sadness/hurt/emotion when things happen and your mother isn't there. Unfortunately it doesn't go away, but you can learn how to deal with it by making decisions you think the person would love

- understand that despite your dad is now with someone, he is still going to be thinking the entire time that your mother would have loved to be there.


I think you need to seek grief counseling to understand your dad's point of view and how to cope with what the future and how to deal.

banana468

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

I think your statement is a conflict in itself unless I'm missing something.

Oh, and referring to women as "broads" isn't going to get you far.   Would you like a shovel?   Because with a comment like that you're digging your own hole.

Do you want one on one time with just your dad?   Or do you want time with your FI and your dad and not his wife?  

The former is an honest request and one where you two can ideally reach a compromise.   Go out for coffee and talk about wedding related things.   See if he'll be open to that.

The latter is saying that you want to go out with your significant other and your father and you want your father to leave his SO at home.  That's asking your father to recognize your relationship while refusing to recognize his.   That would be a line that I would put own as well. 

Unfortunately, I think you started to make this difficult by not coming to terms with your dad moving onto a second marriage.   It's quite clear that you take all aspects of your father trying to have a fulfilling personal life as a personal affront to you and one has nothing to do with the other.      

If you want a relationship with parent that's living, I recommend you stop this petulance. 

Heffalump

NiceKindaSpice said:

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

Oh my goodness. If you want one on one time with your dad, have it. Take him to dinner. Arrange a (possibly regular) activity that both of you like. Go out to a movie. You get the gist. Your wedding just isn't the time or place. 

THIS.  My dad and I have a good relationship, but at no point did I ask him to go dress shopping with me or anything like that.  That's not his thing, and while some dads may enjoy it, I would bet that there are many who would not.  Stop choosing arbitrary hills to die on, life will be so much better that way.

I felt badly for you, but after seeing your responses, it's starting to look like this is mostly self-inflicted.  I think you need to change your attitude before you further damage your relationship with your dad and his STB wife. 

CMGragain

I know that OP has said that she is in therapy, but I detect a strong whiff of NPD.

She refuses to take any responsibility for her own actions.
She refuses to admit that she could have done anything wrong here.
She plays the "poor me" card, seeking sympathy.
She expresses no empathy at all for either her own father or his fiancee.
It is all about HER feelings.

Hmmm......

elilik01

I honestly think I could say the sky is blue and water is wet right now, and I'll get a bunch of responses on why that's not true either...because I'm just such a "twatwaffle." Look, I understand everyone has different experiences and understand there's little to nothing I have control over, including my fathers actions and decisions. What I need right now is my dad. Perhaps it's hard to understand unless you've literally been there, but I am missing that bonding time with my mother and wishing my only living parent could give me some of that. Maybe it's not what YOU agree with or what YOU experienced, but I'm voicing what my needs and wishes are, and quite honestly, it's not really for any of you to say that I am wrong or shouldn't be expecting that because 1) It's not what you did; or, 2) That's not how the world works.

"Adult reaction is to plan with your FI.." ...Umm that's what I've been doing, but thanks for the reminder I guess? As I've voiced, my FI is amazing and has been planning with me, and it's been wonderful. All I'm saying is, I wish I could have my dad be a part of some of that too without him feeling it's necessary to include his SO. It's been a bone of contention, him feeling the need to include her in everything, it only makes my resentment grow. I am not putting pressure on my father to do a bunch of wedding stuff, and we have been working on 1X1 time together to help rebuild our relationship, and I think we're both appreciative of each other's time and effort. As I mentioned, my dad and his SO have a very co-dependent relationship and that's something they need to work out, but he has allowed her insecurities and issues to influence my relationship with him and that's been difficult to deal with. There isn't a sliver of the dad I thought I knew left, so I've been trying to get to know this new man and be a part of his life, but it hasn't been easy. So yes, there have been time's he and I have both come up with conditions and ultimatums which neither of us should be doing to one another. I don't expect things to be how they were, but it breaks my heart to feel almost cast-aside at this point in life after all we've been through. I don't want him to be lonely or sad, though I think he deserves better than this woman as I do feel he's being manipulated and taken advantage of, as many widows/widowers experience because of that hole in their heart and yearn for companionship. I wish he would understand it's okay and healthy to have time apart, and your own likes and activities, and that spending time with my FI and I doesn't take anything away from his relationship with her, but that's not where we're at and it sucks. Just like I need to be better at understanding he's now part of a "unit" again. I've never been in this position, i just think with "blended families," it's important to keep the relationships you had, strong..different, but still strong and intact. 

Heffalump

Y'all, I don't know why I keep posting when it seems like all this advice is falling on dead ears.  But:

OP, it seems like you are hell bent on jamming your dad into the mom-sized hole in your life.  That's not healthy for you, and it probably feels pretty shitty to him.  You're basically saying "I need you to be someone else," and it comes off as selfish.  As kids grow, they reach a point where they realize that their parents are fully realized individuals in their own right, and not just a means to serving their child's needs.  It doesn't sound like you've reached that stage yet. 

Look, you're clearly still grieving, and angry on top of it, but the way you are dealing with it is just so counterproductive.  If everyone here is saying the same thing, it's not because everyone is wrong except you.

CMGragain

elilik01 said:

I honestly think I could say the sky is blue and water is wet right now, and I'll get a bunch of responses on why that's not true either...because I'm just such a "twatwaffle." Look, I understand everyone has different experiences and understand there's little to nothing I have control over, including my fathers actions and decisions. What I need right now is my dad. Perhaps it's hard to understand unless you've literally been there, but I am missing that bonding time with my mother and wishing my only living parent could give me some of that. Maybe it's not what YOU agree with or what YOU experienced, but I'm voicing what my needs and wishes are, and quite honestly, it's not really for any of you to say that I am wrong or shouldn't be expecting that because 1) It's not what you did; or, 2) That's not how the world works.

"Adult reaction is to plan with your FI.." ...Umm that's what I've been doing, but thanks for the reminder I guess? As I've voiced, my FI is amazing and has been planning with me, and it's been wonderful. All I'm saying is, I wish I could have my dad be a part of some of that too without him feeling it's necessary to include his SO. It's been a bone of contention, him feeling the need to include her in everything, it only makes my resentment grow. I am not putting pressure on my father to do a bunch of wedding stuff, and we have been working on 1X1 time together to help rebuild our relationship, and I think we're both appreciative of each other's time and effort. As I mentioned, my dad and his SO have a very co-dependent relationship and that's something they need to work out, but he has allowed her insecurities and issues to influence my relationship with him and that's been difficult to deal with. There isn't a sliver of the dad I thought I knew left, so I've been trying to get to know this new man and be a part of his life, but it hasn't been easy. So yes, there have been time's he and I have both come up with conditions and ultimatums which neither of us should be doing to one another. I don't expect things to be how they were, but it breaks my heart to feel almost cast-aside at this point in life after all we've been through. I don't want him to be lonely or sad, though I think he deserves better than this woman as I do feel he's being manipulated and taken advantage of, as many widows/widowers experience because of that hole in their heart and yearn for companionship. I wish he would understand it's okay and healthy to have time apart, and your own likes and activities, and that spending time with my FI and I doesn't take anything away from his relationship with her, but that's not where we're at and it sucks. Just like I need to be better at understanding he's now part of a "unit" again. I've never been in this position, i just think with "blended families," it's important to keep the relationships you had, strong..different, but still strong and intact. 

Oh, dear.  You still refuse to admit that your own actions have caused the problem that you originally posted.
You seem not to notice that not ONE poster has agreed with any part of your actions.
You ignore the advice others have given you.
If you want to "keep the relationship strong" with your father, it is completely up to you to apologize to him for your inexcusably rude behavior, which you also refuse to admit.
I sincerely hope that you are someday able to recognize how you have sabotaged your relationship with your father with your inappropriate behavior.

geebee908

elilik01 said:

I honestly think I could say the sky is blue and water is wet right now, and I'll get a bunch of responses on why that's not true either...because I'm just such a "twatwaffle." Look, I understand everyone has different experiences and understand there's little to nothing I have control over, including my fathers actions and decisions. What I need right now is my dad. Perhaps it's hard to understand unless you've literally been there, but I am missing that bonding time with my mother and wishing my only living parent could give me some of that. Maybe it's not what YOU agree with or what YOU experienced, but I'm voicing what my needs and wishes are, and quite honestly, it's not really for any of you to say that I am wrong or shouldn't be expecting that because 1) It's not what you did; or, 2) That's not how the world works.

"Adult reaction is to plan with your FI.." ...Umm that's what I've been doing, but thanks for the reminder I guess? As I've voiced, my FI is amazing and has been planning with me, and it's been wonderful. All I'm saying is, I wish I could have my dad be a part of some of that too without him feeling it's necessary to include his SO. It's been a bone of contention, him feeling the need to include her in everything, it only makes my resentment grow. I am not putting pressure on my father to do a bunch of wedding stuff, and we have been working on 1X1 time together to help rebuild our relationship, and I think we're both appreciative of each other's time and effort. As I mentioned, my dad and his SO have a very co-dependent relationship and that's something they need to work out, but he has allowed her insecurities and issues to influence my relationship with him and that's been difficult to deal with. There isn't a sliver of the dad I thought I knew left, so I've been trying to get to know this new man and be a part of his life, but it hasn't been easy. So yes, there have been time's he and I have both come up with conditions and ultimatums which neither of us should be doing to one another. I don't expect things to be how they were, but it breaks my heart to feel almost cast-aside at this point in life after all we've been through. I don't want him to be lonely or sad, though I think he deserves better than this woman as I do feel he's being manipulated and taken advantage of, as many widows/widowers experience because of that hole in their heart and yearn for companionship. I wish he would understand it's okay and healthy to have time apart, and your own likes and activities, and that spending time with my FI and I doesn't take anything away from his relationship with her, but that's not where we're at and it sucks. Just like I need to be better at understanding he's now part of a "unit" again. I've never been in this position, i just think with "blended families," it's important to keep the relationships you had, strong..different, but still strong and intact. 

Everyone's just trying in many ways to say that if this is important to you, your approach is going counter to this. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

MissKittyDanger

elilik01 said:

"Adult reaction is to plan with your FI.." ...Umm that's what I've been doing, but thanks for the reminder I guess? As I've voiced, my FI is amazing and has been planning with me, and it's been wonderful. All I'm saying is, I wish I could have my dad be a part of some of that too without him feeling it's necessary to include his SO. It's been a bone of contention, him feeling the need to include her in everything, it only makes my resentment grow. I am not putting pressure on my father to do a bunch of wedding stuff, and we have been working on 1X1 time together to help rebuild our relationship, and I think we're both appreciative of each other's time and effort. As I mentioned, my dad and his SO have a very co-dependent relationship and that's something they need to work out, but he has allowed her insecurities and issues to influence my relationship with him and that's been difficult to deal with. 

To bolded; If this is the case, no matter what you ask/say/etc he will want her around. You may have to just 'accept and move on' because if it's co-dependent, you won't have much of a choice.

NiceKindaSpice

elilik01 said:

I honestly think I could say the sky is blue and water is wet right now, and I'll get a bunch of responses on why that's not true either...because I'm just such a "twatwaffle." Look, I understand everyone has different experiences and understand there's little to nothing I have control over, including my fathers actions and decisions. What I need right now is my dad. Perhaps it's hard to understand unless you've literally been there, but I am missing that bonding time with my mother and wishing my only living parent could give me some of that. Maybe it's not what YOU agree with or what YOU experienced, but I'm voicing what my needs and wishes are, and quite honestly, it's not really for any of you to say that I am wrong or shouldn't be expecting that because 1) It's not what you did; or, 2) That's not how the world works.

"Adult reaction is to plan with your FI.." ...Umm that's what I've been doing, but thanks for the reminder I guess? As I've voiced, my FI is amazing and has been planning with me, and it's been wonderful. All I'm saying is, I wish I could have my dad be a part of some of that too without him feeling it's necessary to include his SO. It's been a bone of contention, him feeling the need to include her in everything, it only makes my resentment grow. I am not putting pressure on my father to do a bunch of wedding stuff, and we have been working on 1X1 time together to help rebuild our relationship, and I think we're both appreciative of each other's time and effort. As I mentioned, my dad and his SO have a very co-dependent relationship and that's something they need to work out, but he has allowed her insecurities and issues to influence my relationship with him and that's been difficult to deal with. There isn't a sliver of the dad I thought I knew left, so I've been trying to get to know this new man and be a part of his life, but it hasn't been easy. So yes, there have been time's he and I have both come up with conditions and ultimatums which neither of us should be doing to one another. I don't expect things to be how they were, but it breaks my heart to feel almost cast-aside at this point in life after all we've been through. I don't want him to be lonely or sad, though I think he deserves better than this woman as I do feel he's being manipulated and taken advantage of, as many widows/widowers experience because of that hole in their heart and yearn for companionship. I wish he would understand it's okay and healthy to have time apart, and your own likes and activities, and that spending time with my FI and I doesn't take anything away from his relationship with her, but that's not where we're at and it sucks. Just like I need to be better at understanding he's now part of a "unit" again. I've never been in this position, i just think with "blended families," it's important to keep the relationships you had, strong..different, but still strong and intact. 

Okay. Are you willing to spend time with him and his FI without your FI? If not, you're being hypocritical. Maybe you need to learn to maintain family ties as much as (or more than) he does. 

Honestly, I'm curious as to why exactly you hate his FI. Is it just because she isn't your mom or something else? If just the prior, that is unjust to her. If the latter, what concrete evidence do you have to her "manipulating" him or otherwise taking advantage of him. These accusations you're making aren't slight. So if you have no proof, stop. If you do have proof, take it to appropriate authorities that can protect him. 

Look, I know you want to be the sun of your dad's life right now but please stop feeling so entitled. He's human. His relationship is his choice and right. And his world does and should not revolve around you wedding or no wedding. 

All heathy relationships are give AND take. What have you given besides negativity and ultimatums? Have a breather and think about it. 

kwiksilver

I have actually been in the same situation in regards to the father thing.  In the end, he picked his new wife, and due to a lot of circumstances surrounding that choice, I made the decision to cut him out of my life completely.  He picked her over all other relationships, and as much as I wish it were otherwise, that's just not the way it worked out.  I estranged myself, and I own that and don't have regrets.

So, I feel you, and I know that it sucks and it's hard.

The sad part is, you have to accept that your dad doesn't share your views regarding spending time with you and your FI away from his wife.  He also may not feel the need to keep previous relationships strong (much like my father) and while it's awful, it's important not to drive yourself crazy trying to force anything he's not interested in doing.

It also doesn't really matter how you feel regarding how unhealthy or co-dependent they are.  He's an adult, he can choose whatever relationship he wants, regardless (I know that you realize that, but it's a hard pill to swallow).  I know you feel cast aside, and those feelings are valid, but you will have to decide if you can accept that from him.  We cannot force people to love us in the way that we would like.

Ultimately I gave up on salvaging things with my dad.  I hope you don't get to that point, because as much as I am at peace with never speaking to him again, there will always be a small part of me that misses the dad he was once, and that will always wish it could have been different.

I'm also divorced, and when my mom side-eyed my new partner (now FI) I just stopped going to see her.  She saw me, and her grandchildren, less and less, until she got over it an accepted the fact that FI is in my life and that is non-negotiable.  She only lives 3 hours away and I think one year I went there twice.  I also made it explicitly clear that she wasn't welcome in my home if she was going to be rude about my SO.  She was always trying to get me to visit without him, and just because I didn't feel charitable (and am quite stubborn) I flatly refused, just to drive home the point.  I feel for your dad in that regard, because it took a while for my family to accept my FI.  When she eased off, and started to be really accepting and kind to him, I was happy to go there on my own for "girls weekends".  Just tread carefully, that's all I am saying.

kimmiinthemitten

You're confusing needs and wants OP. You need a willing partner, legal celebrant and a license in order to be married. You want everything else. 

flantastic

kimmiinthemitten said:

You're confusing needs and wants OP. You need a willing partner, legal celebrant and a license in order to be married. You want everything else. 

Yep. Your dad is not going to fit the picture you want, and he's his own person and shouldn't have to. It is his prerogative to make the choices he's making. you can choose to cut him out of your life over that, but it will be your choice and it will be a petty one. Stop trying to force it. It will not be forced.

What you need is better counseling. One on one. So you can come to terms with the stuff that's out of your control instead of looking at the world as if you are a victim of all your circumstances.

Ro041

elilik01 said:

What you don't know is that I have no mother to do the plannings, tastings, and shopping with. my dad has stated that he would very much like to participate but only if his GF can come, which I am not okay with or ready for. So to have her shoved own my throat at a time when I'm trying to repair a relationship with my father, isn't quit ideal.  Luckily I have amazing friends, family, soon-to-be in-laws, and a fiance that are lending love, time, and support to make this a great time and process and at the end of the day, I agree with those of you who say my focus will be on my husband to be. He's my best friend and the only person that matters to me that day and the days to come will be him.

Again, thank you.

elilik01 said:

geebee908 I don't "need" to, but I'd like to. I've seen many girlfriends do a majority of planning with their mothers, fathers and FI's and I wish I had that. I've tried to include my dad, like the dress shopping, to spend time with him while planning something very important. I wish he would understand I need quality time with him and want to include him in some things, and not take it as a slight against his SO, but just be able to have that father-daughter time. Unfortunately he won't spend any time with my FI and I without his SO, and I don't feel that she needs to be included in my wedding planning activities. Perhaps I'll now get put burned at the stake for saying that too with these broads...

 This always gets me.  I fundamentally do not understand the deep level of hurt that is associated with a parent who doesn't want to be involved in planning.  

My mom has literally helped in none of my planning.  In fact, she doesn't believe in the institution of marriage and has said as much a number of times.  Guess what?  She is getting the same invite to my wedding as everyone else and none of the planning has been run by her at all.  And my dad?  Well he left our family when I was one year old, so he hasn't been much help in the planning either.  

I took a friend dress shopping.  I took FI venue shopping.  FI and I will go to our tastings together.  I make-do and am not angry with my parents for not being interested in my wedding.  

My advice is to focus on the positives in your life and stop dwelling on how your family is not meeting expectations you have built for them because just like many moms (and dads) help their daughters plan their weddings, just as many moms and dads don't.

mrsconn23

flantastic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

You're confusing needs and wants OP. You need a willing partner, legal celebrant and a license in order to be married. You want everything else. 

Yep. Your dad is not going to fit the picture you want, and he's his own person and shouldn't have to. It is his prerogative to make the choices he's making. you can choose to cut him out of your life over that, but it will be your choice and it will be a petty one. Stop trying to force it. It will not be forced.

What you need is better counseling. One on one.

That's what I've been thinking.  Your counselor is doing you no favors, OP, if she/he is not giving you the tools to manage your emotions regarding your mom's death, your relationship with your dad, and your dad's future wife.  

Also, we don't know your history with your dad, your mom, your dad's FI, etc.  So we can only take what you say at face-value.  There's a lot of vagueness and many things that can be left open to interpretation.  Therefore, we're all coming from our own perspective from the life we've lived and situations we've been in or people close to us have experienced. 

How does your FI feel about all of this? What kind of support do you get from him?  Do you have siblings?  If so, what's your relationship like with them?  What's their relationship with your dad and your dad's FI? 

And also, at the end of the day you cannot change people, only your reaction to them.  So if you *want* to keep a relationship with your dad that is mostly free of tension and/or conflict, you need to figure out how to do that.  There's nothing wrong with boundaries, but you have to choose what your boundaries are and stick to them.  

charlotte989875

elilik01 said:

I honestly think I could say the sky is blue and water is wet right now, and I'll get a bunch of responses on why that's not true either...because I'm just such a "twatwaffle." Look, I understand everyone has different experiences and understand there's little to nothing I have control over, including my fathers actions and decisions. What I need right now is my dad. Perhaps it's hard to understand unless you've literally been there, but I am missing that bonding time with my mother and wishing my only living parent could give me some of that. Maybe it's not what YOU agree with or what YOU experienced, but I'm voicing what my needs and wishes are, and quite honestly, it's not really for any of you to say that I am wrong or shouldn't be expecting that because 1) It's not what you did; or, 2) That's not how the world works.

"Adult reaction is to plan with your FI.." ...Umm that's what I've been doing, but thanks for the reminder I guess? As I've voiced, my FI is amazing and has been planning with me, and it's been wonderful. All I'm saying is, I wish I could have my dad be a part of some of that too without him feeling it's necessary to include his SO. It's been a bone of contention, him feeling the need to include her in everything, it only makes my resentment grow. I am not putting pressure on my father to do a bunch of wedding stuff, and we have been working on 1X1 time together to help rebuild our relationship, and I think we're both appreciative of each other's time and effort. As I mentioned, my dad and his SO have a very co-dependent relationship and that's something they need to work out, but he has allowed her insecurities and issues to influence my relationship with him and that's been difficult to deal with. There isn't a sliver of the dad I thought I knew left, so I've been trying to get to know this new man and be a part of his life, but it hasn't been easy. So yes, there have been time's he and I have both come up with conditions and ultimatums which neither of us should be doing to one another. I don't expect things to be how they were, but it breaks my heart to feel almost cast-aside at this point in life after all we've been through. I don't want him to be lonely or sad, though I think he deserves better than this woman as I do feel he's being manipulated and taken advantage of, as many widows/widowers experience because of that hole in their heart and yearn for companionship. I wish he would understand it's okay and healthy to have time apart, and your own likes and activities, and that spending time with my FI and I doesn't take anything away from his relationship with her, but that's not where we're at and it sucks. Just like I need to be better at understanding he's now part of a "unit" again. I've never been in this position, i just think with "blended families," it's important to keep the relationships you had, strong..different, but still strong and intact. 

You're feelings are valid, and you are entitled to them. Full stop. You don't need to justify how you feel.

However, acting on these feelings is a different story, and this is what everyone is trying to get you to focus on. Have all the feelings about this that you need to; be upset that your mother is not here, be disappointed that your FSM is, be sad that your relationship with your dad is changing. But recognize that while it is okay to feel these things, choosing to act on them, choosing to issue ultimatums so that reality better reflects what you wish things were like is not always reasonable. 

*Barbie*

why are people still feeding the troll?

geebee908

I'm beginning to question who is the actual co-dependent in this story.

flantastic

geebee908 said:

I'm beginning to question who is the actual co-dependent in this story.

I just wonder about the poor FI. He seems to have no role in this drama play OP's writing. Inconsequential.