I think it is the expectation that is what is rubbing everyone the wrong way. Our church does a meal train on line now - just so people know what other people plan on fixing. The allergy thing is real too. A friend I have is allergic to just about everything (nuts, gluten, dairy) so it is good for people to know that. When I had my kids, I had no meals brought by with the first two- no biggie. I was very appreciative when I had several dropped off after DS2 was born. I also didn't give a flying hoot if I needed to warm something up in the oven. I just didn't have to do the grocery shopping and cooking of that particular meal and I was grateful!
You guys.... there's a Meal Train Plus that includes "meals, rides, dog walking, errands, childcare and more."
I am at a loss for words. Life post-baby can't really be this hard.... can it?
So...I think the postpartum period is pretty shitty. I've never had a baby, but I've been around it enough. Can you do most of those things (barring if you had a complicated delivery)? Of course. But it's still really shitty. Even if you have a helping partner it's still sleep exhaustion central. It's why I come over and help my friends with stuff. They're a recovering human milk machine. It's exhausting and overwhelming. And while they could do all of those things, it makes life way easier on them if they get extra help. Because the last thing you feel like doing when your hormones are wacked out, the baby is crying, you're trying to have a 3 minute shower and still feed yourself is clean the house. But if those things were expected, oh, fuck that.
You guys.... there's a Meal Train Plus that includes "meals, rides, dog walking, errands, childcare and more."
I am at a loss for words. Life post-baby can't really be this hard.... can it?
It's not exactly easy, but it's doable. I've notices first time moms tend to be super over-protective so they don't want to get the baby out for the first 4-6 weeks which means mom doesn't get out for 4-6 weeks. So in those cases, they would need someone to walk the dog and run errands.
I had to have my MIL come with me when I had to take Mouse for a doctor's appointment, but Norah was only 17 days old and I hadn't gotten the hang of juggling them both at the same time. Now, you'll see me with my purse, the kid's bag and Mouse on one side and my breast pump, crochet wip bag, and Norah in her car seat on the other.
You guys.... there's a Meal Train Plus that includes "meals, rides, dog walking, errands, childcare and more."
I am at a loss for words. Life post-baby can't really be this hard.... can it?
If only there was a service where you could pay someone to walk a dog at a fairly reasonable rate....
Don't get me wrong, it would be so awesome for friends to volunteer to help out, but setting up a website and basically assigning tasks is a bit...much.
And if someone has that many allergies or is that picky, they REALLY need to lay off the food train. I have had a number of friends who have spent the last month of their pregnancy making meals for the first month post-baby.
Both my FMIL and Mom brought over some meals for us after FI had surgery. My mom's were uncooked and she gave instructions. This is how she's always done it for others and so that's what I grew up with and was used to.
My FMIL, on the other hand, brought casseroles that were already cooked and needed heating up. I'd never seen that before and I honestly didn't get it. Like, it was bonkers to me. Because, as someone pointed out, some of the casseroles require reheating for as long as just cooking the thing.
@atomicblonde, the post partum phase can kick in for different people in different ways. My experience with #1 and #2 were VERY different.
-W/ #1, I had no idea what to expect for my body. I'd never done it before. I imagined that I'd look down at my baby and be tired but not that I'd feel like I wanted to give her away. I fantasized about needing surgery in a hospital so I'd get sleep. My body hurt in ways that I never thought. I was told to push down on the toilet 6 hours after giving birth and it wasn't "enough" for the nurse. I was anemic, nearly passed out and just wanted to get sleep. I didn't bond with Chiquita right away, my milk took days to come in and when DD latched it was like the knives of a circus act on my nipples. Oh...and hemorrhoids. She'd sleep in my arms and not laying down and I hardly caught anything more than 2 hours at a time. When DH and I tried to give her a bath, I nearly passed out from kneeling. It took me about 4 weeks to feel human and about 6 months to start to feel like myself. It was a good 2 years before I really felt like "me" again. A lot of this had to do with working a job that was really stressful at the time but it was all things together that were rough.
Oh, and did I mention that we moved into our home 5 days before I was induced? Yeah.....don't do that.
-W/#2 I felt more prepared. We had the crib up, baby things were washed, I didn't care if Chiquito had a pink onesie on, and Chiquita was potty trained. We had a good rhythm going. I figured out how to co-sleep a bit, we napped together and I felt more rested. Plus, the baby blues lasted maybe 6 hours in the hospital vs. 3-4 weeks at home. I knew what to expect and had some tricks up my sleeve.
FWIW, I think what we do to first time moms sucks. We see the doctor so often up until the baby is out and then when the baby is here we're pushed away and we see the doc in 6 weeks. Even at 30 years old with a college degree I felt alone. At 34 and with an easy delivery, I felt like I could have gone back to work the day I had the boy.
I think it is the expectation that is what is rubbing everyone the wrong way. Our church does a meal train on line now - just so people know what other people plan on fixing. The allergy thing is real too. A friend I have is allergic to just about everything (nuts, gluten, dairy) so it is good for people to know that. When I had my kids, I had no meals brought by with the first two- no biggie. I was very appreciative when I had several dropped off after DS2 was born. I also didn't give a flying hoot if I needed to warm something up in the oven. I just didn't have to do the grocery shopping and cooking of that particular meal and I was grateful!
Oh yeah, I have no issues with legit allergies. Those definitely need to be accounted for! But this was things like "he doesn't like coconut flakes, but if they're sweetened and only a little it's ok and sometimes he can't tell if coconut milk is in something" level picky. I loathe mushrooms, but if someone makes me food with them in and brings it to my house, I'll suck it up and either eat them or pick them out.
I don't understand - is this food train a sign up to bring meals to one family? or is it more of a reciprocal thing - like I bring you meals now and in a few months you bring me meals?
I don't understand - is this food train a sign up to bring meals to one family? or is it more of a reciprocal thing - like I bring you meals now and in a few months you bring me meals?
It's all for one family, after the birth of a baby. I would love it if it meant someone would bring me food in a few months! lol
It all just goes back to self-sufficiency for me. Being a new parent doesn't absolve you of other all your other responsibilities. And it's not your friends' and families' jobs to take care of you. It's wonderful for them to offer to help out with everyday tasks like this, I'm not denying that. But I just get the sense that this is all becoming an expectation, and I'm seeing that more and more and more in my own circles. I'll always be happy to help, but it should never be an expectation. And I feel like, especially with things like mealtrain plus, there's an expectation not just from the recipient, but from the organizer of the meal train that these things all get done.
"And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
It all just goes back to self-sufficiency for me. Being a new parent doesn't absolve you of other all your other responsibilities. And it's not your friends' and families' jobs to take care of you. It's wonderful for them to offer to help out with everyday tasks like this, I'm not denying that. But I just get the sense that this is all becoming an expectation, and I'm seeing that more and more and more in my own circles. I'll always be happy to help, but it should never be an expectation. And I feel like, especially with things like mealtrain plus, there's an expectation not just from the recipient, but from the organizer of the meal train that these things all get done.
Half of me wonders if the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I hear more people in my mom's generation say they felt like they couldn't talk about how hard it was.
Now we can. But we aren't owed sweetened gluten free coconut either.
I can't really get on board with the idea that new moms are failing to be self-sufficient, or that we've swung too far in the direction of pampering them, at least in the US. I've never had a kid but from what I've been exposed to the expectations for new moms is so freaking ridiculous. A couple of things:
1. I'm not at all against any kind of modern medical intervention during childbirth, whether it's giving picotin to speed labor, epidurals for pain, c-section for medical necessity or even just convenience, but it is a factual truth that those interventions change the way we recover from childbirth. They can serve absolutely critical functions during the course of labor, but they also interrupt or interact with the natural release of hormones etc. which some studies suggest makes recovery from childbirth much more difficult.
2. Many moms have to go back to work within 4-6 weeks of giving birth under immensely stressful conditions because of the shitty maternity leave options in this country. On top of that, many work cultures are not understanding of or sympathetic towards the realities of motherhood. Women joining the workforce in ever greater numbers is great in so many ways, but you can't deny it makes having a kid a lot more complicated- literally as soon as you get out of the newborn haze it's back to the grind!
3. Then there's the intense amount of societal pressure to be a perfect mom, get your body back right away, document everything perfectly etc etc.
Were some variations of some of these pressures present a generation ago? Sure, but not nearly to the degree that they are now (well maybe not so with the medical interventions lol, twilight sleep sounds like it was messed up). I just really feel that in a lot of ways the system is set against new moms in a way that is unique to this time and this place.
Whew, okay rant over. It just irks me to see so much of the "back in my day we walked uphill in the snow both ways and didn't complain about it" mentality.
Anyway, it's nuts that your friend expected you to cook the lasagna, not just from an entitlement perspective but also because, as someone mentioned, it would take just as long to reheat it as to cook it and reheating in the microwave results in a seriously inferior dinner.
I've heard of bringing a meal to someone who needs it (baby, surgery, etc), but I've never heard of a meal train.
It's the signing up and expectation that is weird to me.
I get allergies- but I would think if I am close enough to bring you a meal, I would either know your allergies or be close enough to ask. I guess if you are involved in a larger group (i.e. church group) who would do something like bring meals, they would need someone to provide the allergies.
OP- I would also bring it over uncooked if it were intended to be eaten right away, otherwise I would cook it in preparation for being frozen.
I've been part of a 'meal train' and also gave money for a food delivery service and caterer before. I don't think anything is wrong with bringing something that had to be popped in the oven.
My friends love a taco soup that I bring. All you have to do is dump the contents of the ziplock into the crock pot or large pot on low and then dinner is ready in a few hours.
Having had my baby two years ago, I recall being able to get food onto the table at a reasonable time, and I kept the tiny human alive and fed as well. That said, I absolutely appreciated any support that I got, whether it was someone coming over to hang out (hold the baby so I could do something for myself), bring a meal or anything really.
Anytime I've seen meal train being used, it's been a friend who has set it up for the couple receiving the meals, and unless there are allergies, I've never seen preferences set. I dropped off meals on Sunday, and made what I wanted to make, one dish was all in one, one they'd need to cook up sides to go with it. The family appreciated all of it, regardless of level of prep they needed to put in (since anything is better than being completely on your own).
My only issue was that the person was taken aback that they'd have to cook it in the oven, I would think that would be expected. I had a miscarriage 7 weeks ago, and was blessed with meals by some friends. Every single one of them required a small amount of prep (put in oven, assemble the provided salad etc), and every single meal was appreciated.
I think the idea of the meal train {or people just generally wanting to help in any way} is just something people naturally want to do.
After my dad passed away, a few people automatically wanted to bring snacks/meals/etc to my mum. It wasn't whether or not she needed, it was more the idea of it's one less thing that she had to worry about.
Which make me think about this, it's not the lack of self-sufficiency it's the fact that you have a new life and while you're adjusting to that, having someone to do something {meal, tidy, errands} is one less thing to do. It's like having a baby shower, people buy you things so it's one less thing the new parent(s) have to buy.
Re: Meal Train
I am at a loss for words. Life post-baby can't really be this hard.... can it?
So...I think the postpartum period is pretty shitty. I've never had a baby, but I've been around it enough. Can you do most of those things (barring if you had a complicated delivery)? Of course. But it's still really shitty. Even if you have a helping partner it's still sleep exhaustion central. It's why I come over and help my friends with stuff. They're a recovering human milk machine. It's exhausting and overwhelming. And while they could do all of those things, it makes life way easier on them if they get extra help. Because the last thing you feel like doing when your hormones are wacked out, the baby is crying, you're trying to have a 3 minute shower and still feed yourself is clean the house. But if those things were expected, oh, fuck that.
It's not exactly easy, but it's doable. I've notices first time moms tend to be super over-protective so they don't want to get the baby out for the first 4-6 weeks which means mom doesn't get out for 4-6 weeks. So in those cases, they would need someone to walk the dog and run errands.
I had to have my MIL come with me when I had to take Mouse for a doctor's appointment, but Norah was only 17 days old and I hadn't gotten the hang of juggling them both at the same time. Now, you'll see me with my purse, the kid's bag and Mouse on one side and my breast pump, crochet wip bag, and Norah in her car seat on the other.
If only there was a service where you could pay someone to walk a dog at a fairly reasonable rate....
Don't get me wrong, it would be so awesome for friends to volunteer to help out, but setting up a website and basically assigning tasks is a bit...much.
And if someone has that many allergies or is that picky, they REALLY need to lay off the food train. I have had a number of friends who have spent the last month of their pregnancy making meals for the first month post-baby.
My FMIL, on the other hand, brought casseroles that were already cooked and needed heating up. I'd never seen that before and I honestly didn't get it. Like, it was bonkers to me. Because, as someone pointed out, some of the casseroles require reheating for as long as just cooking the thing.
-W/ #1, I had no idea what to expect for my body. I'd never done it before. I imagined that I'd look down at my baby and be tired but not that I'd feel like I wanted to give her away. I fantasized about needing surgery in a hospital so I'd get sleep. My body hurt in ways that I never thought. I was told to push down on the toilet 6 hours after giving birth and it wasn't "enough" for the nurse. I was anemic, nearly passed out and just wanted to get sleep. I didn't bond with Chiquita right away, my milk took days to come in and when DD latched it was like the knives of a circus act on my nipples. Oh...and hemorrhoids. She'd sleep in my arms and not laying down and I hardly caught anything more than 2 hours at a time. When DH and I tried to give her a bath, I nearly passed out from kneeling. It took me about 4 weeks to feel human and about 6 months to start to feel like myself. It was a good 2 years before I really felt like "me" again. A lot of this had to do with working a job that was really stressful at the time but it was all things together that were rough.
Oh, and did I mention that we moved into our home 5 days before I was induced? Yeah.....don't do that.
-W/#2 I felt more prepared. We had the crib up, baby things were washed, I didn't care if Chiquito had a pink onesie on, and Chiquita was potty trained. We had a good rhythm going. I figured out how to co-sleep a bit, we napped together and I felt more rested. Plus, the baby blues lasted maybe 6 hours in the hospital vs. 3-4 weeks at home. I knew what to expect and had some tricks up my sleeve.
FWIW, I think what we do to first time moms sucks. We see the doctor so often up until the baby is out and then when the baby is here we're pushed away and we see the doc in 6 weeks. Even at 30 years old with a college degree I felt alone. At 34 and with an easy delivery, I felt like I could have gone back to work the day I had the boy.
Oh yeah, I have no issues with legit allergies. Those definitely need to be accounted for! But this was things like "he doesn't like coconut flakes, but if they're sweetened and only a little it's ok and sometimes he can't tell if coconut milk is in something" level picky. I loathe mushrooms, but if someone makes me food with them in and brings it to my house, I'll suck it up and either eat them or pick them out.
It's all for one family, after the birth of a baby. I would love it if it meant someone would bring me food in a few months! lol
Half of me wonders if the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I hear more people in my mom's generation say they felt like they couldn't talk about how hard it was.
Now we can. But we aren't owed sweetened gluten free coconut either.
1. I'm not at all against any kind of modern medical intervention during childbirth, whether it's giving picotin to speed labor, epidurals for pain, c-section for medical necessity or even just convenience, but it is a factual truth that those interventions change the way we recover from childbirth. They can serve absolutely critical functions during the course of labor, but they also interrupt or interact with the natural release of hormones etc. which some studies suggest makes recovery from childbirth much more difficult.
2. Many moms have to go back to work within 4-6 weeks of giving birth under immensely stressful conditions because of the shitty maternity leave options in this country. On top of that, many work cultures are not understanding of or sympathetic towards the realities of motherhood. Women joining the workforce in ever greater numbers is great in so many ways, but you can't deny it makes having a kid a lot more complicated- literally as soon as you get out of the newborn haze it's back to the grind!
3. Then there's the intense amount of societal pressure to be a perfect mom, get your body back right away, document everything perfectly etc etc.
Were some variations of some of these pressures present a generation ago? Sure, but not nearly to the degree that they are now (well maybe not so with the medical interventions lol, twilight sleep sounds like it was messed up). I just really feel that in a lot of ways the system is set against new moms in a way that is unique to this time and this place.
Whew, okay rant over. It just irks me to see so much of the "back in my day we walked uphill in the snow both ways and didn't complain about it" mentality.
Anyway, it's nuts that your friend expected you to cook the lasagna, not just from an entitlement perspective but also because, as someone mentioned, it would take just as long to reheat it as to cook it and reheating in the microwave results in a seriously inferior dinner.
It's the signing up and expectation that is weird to me.
I get allergies- but I would think if I am close enough to bring you a meal, I would either know your allergies or be close enough to ask. I guess if you are involved in a larger group (i.e. church group) who would do something like bring meals, they would need someone to provide the allergies.
OP- I would also bring it over uncooked if it were intended to be eaten right away, otherwise I would cook it in preparation for being frozen.
I've been part of a 'meal train' and also gave money for a food delivery service and caterer before. I don't think anything is wrong with bringing something that had to be popped in the oven.
My friends love a taco soup that I bring. All you have to do is dump the contents of the ziplock into the crock pot or large pot on low and then dinner is ready in a few hours.
Having had my baby two years ago, I recall being able to get food onto the table at a reasonable time, and I kept the tiny human alive and fed as well. That said, I absolutely appreciated any support that I got, whether it was someone coming over to hang out (hold the baby so I could do something for myself), bring a meal or anything really.
Anytime I've seen meal train being used, it's been a friend who has set it up for the couple receiving the meals, and unless there are allergies, I've never seen preferences set. I dropped off meals on Sunday, and made what I wanted to make, one dish was all in one, one they'd need to cook up sides to go with it. The family appreciated all of it, regardless of level of prep they needed to put in (since anything is better than being completely on your own).
My only issue was that the person was taken aback that they'd have to cook it in the oven, I would think that would be expected. I had a miscarriage 7 weeks ago, and was blessed with meals by some friends. Every single one of them required a small amount of prep (put in oven, assemble the provided salad etc), and every single meal was appreciated.
After my dad passed away, a few people automatically wanted to bring snacks/meals/etc to my mum. It wasn't whether or not she needed, it was more the idea of it's one less thing that she had to worry about.
Which make me think about this, it's not the lack of self-sufficiency it's the fact that you have a new life and while you're adjusting to that, having someone to do something {meal, tidy, errands} is one less thing to do.
It's like having a baby shower, people buy you things so it's one less thing the new parent(s) have to buy.