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Etiquette

How to address invitations for "ladies only" bridal shower?

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Re: How to address invitations for "ladies only" bridal shower?

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2017
    OP- Don't assume anyone will inherently understand your invitation, invite who you want by name, which includes the names of any children being invited. You never state who isn't invited, so no "Ladies Only".
    "Ms. Sally Smith
    Lucy and Katie Smith"

    I'm all for attending showers because of the food. Invite me to a well hosted party that I'm not being lied to about, and I'm there.

    I attended a couples wedding shower once that was pretty good. Everyone sat together, great food. Everyone partook in the games, and the guys were quite competitive about it, even the more traditional "girly" games.
    PrettyGirlLostshort+sassy
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2017
    Showers are the worst.

    Signed, a woman who hates showers with nephews who LOVE showers. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensYogaSandy
  • If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.
    Moppet82
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer


    If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.


    You are throwing your own shower, aren't you? 
    justsieInLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2017










    If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.






    You are throwing your own shower, aren't you? 




    Curious. A previous post indicated OP's bridesmaids are paying for the food. 

    So let's get technical here- if the BMs are hosting, then one of them is addressing the invitations using the advice/rules presented in the first few responses and collecting the RSVPs, not the bride. Edit to add- the bride provides the hostess(es) with her ideal list including names and addresses which meets budget parameters set by the hostess(es). 

    If the invites come directly from the bride, OP, rest assured everyone will think you're gift grabby. 
    ________________________________


    PrettyGirlLost
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer




    Curious. A previous post indicated OP's bridesmaids are paying for the food. 

    So let's get technical here- if the BMs are hosting, then one of them is addressing the invitations using the advice/rules presented in the first few responses and collecting the RSVPs, not the bride. Edit to add- the bride provides the hostess(es) with her ideal list including names and addresses which meets budget parameters set by the hostess(es). 

    If the invites come directly from the bride, OP, rest assured everyone will think you're gift grabby. 


    Good point. I took the "I know my friends better than you" as throwing her own shower. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yeah, what a shitty friend that 6 year old girl is for not falling over herself to see you unwrap a toaster.

    ahoyweddinglnixon8
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
















    If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.








    You are throwing your own shower, aren't you? 






    Are we playing Jump to Conclusions?

    OP said her BMs are paying for the food. . . sounds like they are likely hosting.

    It's pretty standard for the Bride to provide the names and addresses of the guests to the shower hosts, though.  How else would they have that info?


    Please see my response to thisismynickname. I've already stated I misspoke.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    geebee908 said:

    Too bad it's against etiquette to give the guests a heads-up about the type of shower to expect. I'd be all about going to one with no games and plenty of good food and drink.


    This is why if my sister gets married (she's 19), I'm going to volunteer to throw the shower. That way, if there is a shower, I and everyone else who would feel obligated to go will at least have a good, no pressure, delicious time.
    geebee908InLoveInQueensHeffalump


  • If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.


    Image result for missing the point gif
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    image
    flantasticInLoveInQueens












  • If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.






    Image result for missing the point gif




    I don't think she missed the point- It doesn't sound like she wants to invite all children, just the girls.  Which I think is fine for a shower if they are traditionally ladies' events in her social circles.

    OP, I'm assuming the children you are inviting to your shower are also invited to your wedding?


    I think she did. The point was not "don't invite children because they'll be bored" (to which her response would have made sense). The point was "why draw the line at gender at all?" (to which her response does not make sense). 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer




















    If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.








    Image result for missing the point gif






    I don't think she missed the point- It doesn't sound like she wants to invite all children, just the girls.  Which I think is fine for a shower if they are traditionally ladies' events in her social circles.

    OP, I'm assuming the children you are inviting to your shower are also invited to your wedding?




    I think she did. The point was not "don't invite children because they'll be bored" (to which her response would have made sense). The point was "why draw the line at gender at all?" (to which her response does not make sense). 


    Because she doesn't want a coed shower.

    Based on her responses that's what I'm getting from it all.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    SP29STARMOON44cupcait927ei34
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2017








































    If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.












    Image result for missing the point gif










    I don't think she missed the point- It doesn't sound like she wants to invite all children, just the girls.  Which I think is fine for a shower if they are traditionally ladies' events in her social circles.

    OP, I'm assuming the children you are inviting to your shower are also invited to your wedding?








    I think she did. The point was not "don't invite children because they'll be bored" (to which her response would have made sense). The point was "why draw the line at gender at all?" (to which her response does not make sense). 






    Because she doesn't want a coed shower.

    Based on her responses that's what I'm getting from it all.




    Sure, but does "coed" really matter when they're 2?

    ETA - I get the argument that you have a specific number you can host, and cutting out male children gets you to that number, but it's still a totally arbitrary decision unless she's really close to her friends' female children and not their male children.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer








    southernbelle0915 said:


    I think she did. The point was not "don't invite children because they'll be bored" (to which her response would have made sense). The point was "why draw the line at gender at all?" (to which her response does not make sense). 




    Because she doesn't want a coed shower.

    Based on her responses that's what I'm getting from it all.






    Sure, but does "coed" really matter when they're 2?

    ETA - I get the argument that you have a specific number you can host, and cutting out male children gets you to that number, but it's still a totally arbitrary decision unless she's really close to her friends' female children and not their male children.


    No more arbitrary than just inviting her adult female friends and relatives.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    MandyMostSP29Knottie737c32aade6d0ff7
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers














    southernbelle0915 said:



    I think she did. The point was not "don't invite children because they'll be bored" (to which her response would have made sense). The point was "why draw the line at gender at all?" (to which her response does not make sense). 





    Because she doesn't want a coed shower.

    Based on her responses that's what I'm getting from it all.








    Sure, but does "coed" really matter when they're 2?

    ETA - I get the argument that you have a specific number you can host, and cutting out male children gets you to that number, but it's still a totally arbitrary decision unless she's really close to her friends' female children and not their male children.




    No more arbitrary than just inviting her adult female friends and relatives.


    Yeah. Another reason I don't get showers.

    I see this as counseling people to invite kids to their wedding that they're close to. Sure, there's a reason for inviting in circles, and "female" is a circle, but yes, an arbitrary one.
    InLoveInQueens
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers


































































    If people don't want to come to the shower then they don't have to come to the shower. No skin off my nose. If their daughters are going to be bored to tears at the shower, then they don't have to bring them. I think I probably know my friends better than you all do, thanks.
















    Image result for missing the point gif














    I don't think she missed the point- It doesn't sound like she wants to invite all children, just the girls.  Which I think is fine for a shower if they are traditionally ladies' events in her social circles.

    OP, I'm assuming the children you are inviting to your shower are also invited to your wedding?












    I think she did. The point was not "don't invite children because they'll be bored" (to which her response would have made sense). The point was "why draw the line at gender at all?" (to which her response does not make sense). 










    Because she doesn't want a coed shower.

    Based on her responses that's what I'm getting from it all.








    Sure, but does "coed" really matter when they're 2?

    ETA - I get the argument that you have a specific number you can host, and cutting out male children gets you to that number, but it's still a totally arbitrary decision unless she's really close to her friends' female children and not their male children.




    So? I don't get this discussion at all. Who cares if it's arbitrary? It's a decision she gets to make. 


    This.  I didn't realize what a big deal it was that in some circles (mine included) showers are for females.  Since joining TK I've become aware of plenty of wedding-related things that aren't what I'm used to (regionally, culturally, etc.).  It's fun to learn new things.  As far as showers, as long as a) the bride isn't hosting b) there's not a Honeyfund or anything else cash grabby and c) all shower guests are invited to the wedding I'm good.  IMO PP that had to bring children's genitals into it, and all the PP that "loved" that, were off in their judgement.
    STARMOON44cupcait927
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I understand the questioning to an extent (although when I hear something new about weddings in the South or Midwest or abroad, etc. I'm personally more "oh okay!" than "why? Why do you do that?!").  I'll admit that it may have just been me that found the use of the word "genitals" weird...making people that are used to female-only showers crass on some level, or twisting our norm into something inherently bad.


  • I went to a couples wedding shower.  Talk about serious gender segregation, lol.  All the ladies were in the living room, oohing and aahing while the bride opened the presents.  All the guys were outside drinking beers, BBQing up lunch, and socializing.  Once the presents were done, only then did everyone grab grub and mingle together.

    No negative reflection on the wedding couple!  It was a fun and well hosted shower.  But I couldn't help but inwardly laugh at how the stereotypical gender roles just naturally played out with people.

    As an aside, I hung out with the guys.  Not for bucking gender role reasons, but I was new in town and didn't really know anybody.  Plus, one of the BM's was my b/f's most recent ex.  So I was not going to be sitting in a room where the only person I knew was the bride and some of the other ladies would be throwing daggers at me, lol!  



    Societal expectations are not "stereotypical gender roles naturally playing out". I likely would be sitting with all the women oohing and ahhing because it is EXPECTED of me, and I would be judged if I ignored it and went outside with the guys. And guys who wanted to be inside oohing and ahhing would experience the same thing. 
    MyNameIsNotYogaSandy
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    MandyMost said:





    I went to a couples wedding shower.  Talk about serious gender segregation, lol.  All the ladies were in the living room, oohing and aahing while the bride opened the presents.  All the guys were outside drinking beers, BBQing up lunch, and socializing.  Once the presents were done, only then did everyone grab grub and mingle together.

    No negative reflection on the wedding couple!  It was a fun and well hosted shower.  But I couldn't help but inwardly laugh at how the stereotypical gender roles just naturally played out with people.

    As an aside, I hung out with the guys.  Not for bucking gender role reasons, but I was new in town and didn't really know anybody.  Plus, one of the BM's was my b/f's most recent ex.  So I was not going to be sitting in a room where the only person I knew was the bride and some of the other ladies would be throwing daggers at me, lol!  





    Societal expectations are not "stereotypical gender roles naturally playing out". I likely would be sitting with all the women oohing and ahhing because it is EXPECTED of me, and I would be judged if I ignored it and went outside with the guys. And guys who wanted to be inside oohing and ahhing would experience the same thing. 


    Of course they are if you are playing into them.

    And stereotypes have a basis in their genesis, or else it wouldn't make any sense for them to be stereotypes.  But they can be perpetuated by just going with the societal expectations.

    I'm guilty of it to an extent; I don't really care for showers, but in my circles there is always a ton of food and booze, and I enjoy socializing with people I often don't get to see much, so I go.  And I was fine with having a shower- spread the pain around! :-P

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2017
    Could someone please explain to me why a traditional ladies' shower isn't politically correct, but a non-traditional ladies' bachelorette party IS?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer




    MandyMost said:








    I went to a couples wedding shower.  Talk about serious gender segregation, lol.  All the ladies were in the living room, oohing and aahing while the bride opened the presents.  All the guys were outside drinking beers, BBQing up lunch, and socializing.  Once the presents were done, only then did everyone grab grub and mingle together.

    No negative reflection on the wedding couple!  It was a fun and well hosted shower.  But I couldn't help but inwardly laugh at how the stereotypical gender roles just naturally played out with people.

    As an aside, I hung out with the guys.  Not for bucking gender role reasons, but I was new in town and didn't really know anybody.  Plus, one of the BM's was my b/f's most recent ex.  So I was not going to be sitting in a room where the only person I knew was the bride and some of the other ladies would be throwing daggers at me, lol!  







    Societal expectations are not "stereotypical gender roles naturally playing out". I likely would be sitting with all the women oohing and ahhing because it is EXPECTED of me, and I would be judged if I ignored it and went outside with the guys. And guys who wanted to be inside oohing and ahhing would experience the same thing. 




    This is an interesting point. If I were a guest at a co-ed shower and hanging with "the guys" while gift opening was going on somewhere else, I could see women side-eyeing my absence. Even though male guests would be excluded from judgement "because the guys would be bored". 

    But at co-ed showers, the groom is still opening gifts with the bride, right? I would be pretty annoyed if I went to a co-ed shower, gave a gift to the couple, and then half of the couple decided to go drink beer with his buddies instead of open gifts, like household items are "not his thing". Bish, you sleep in sheets and eat off plates, too. Sit down. 


    The only coed shower I have ever been to was a baby shower- seems appropriate since sperm is required to make a baby.

    It was pretty much segregated by choice- guys in the bar watching a sports game, girls hanging out with the mom to be since most women love babies, right? 

    I was hanging out with the ladies because the mom to be was my friend; if I had been friends with her husband and not her I'd mostly likely have been in the bar because I'm childfree and I really hate baby showers.

    When it came time to play the games the shower host went and fetched the guys who begrudgingly joined in, and they stuck around as we started to open gifts but after a while they all slipped off, even the dad to be.

    Amazingly they all showed up on their own for dessert, though.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    CMGragain said:

    Could someone please explain to me why a traditional ladies' shower isn't politically correct, but a non-traditional ladies' bachelorette party IS?


    I'll take a stab at this. Showers just for women, to me, reinforce the outdated notion that taking care of home and baby is exclusively a woman's job. It's just not expected anymore. Yes, many women and couples choose that life, but also many women and couples choose to split household, money-earning, and child-rearing duties. 

    For me and DH, we split household duties. He cares more about our dishes than I do and is a better cook than I am. He had a big say in the items we registered for for our wedding (but I refused to have a shower). Now, we're having a baby, and he'll be doing that child's laundry and cleaning up her barf and transporting her places, etc. He had a say in the registry items, and he was at the baby shower. However, he didn't want to be there and he didn't want a couples shower either even though I suggested it. But he had a hand in making this baby and he's going to be involved in raising her, so a party just for me makes no sense. Our guests were there to support him too. 

    At the end of the day, a shower can get really big and it can be cost-prohibitive for guests, so I'm still fine with ladies- only showers as a nod to tradition; but I expect the groom or father-to-be to at least be present or make an appearance. Takes two to tango. 
    ________________________________


    DrillSergeantCatcharlotte989875InLoveInQueens




  • MandyMost said:








    I went to a couples wedding shower.  Talk about serious gender segregation, lol.  All the ladies were in the living room, oohing and aahing while the bride opened the presents.  All the guys were outside drinking beers, BBQing up lunch, and socializing.  Once the presents were done, only then did everyone grab grub and mingle together.

    No negative reflection on the wedding couple!  It was a fun and well hosted shower.  But I couldn't help but inwardly laugh at how the stereotypical gender roles just naturally played out with people.

    As an aside, I hung out with the guys.  Not for bucking gender role reasons, but I was new in town and didn't really know anybody.  Plus, one of the BM's was my b/f's most recent ex.  So I was not going to be sitting in a room where the only person I knew was the bride and some of the other ladies would be throwing daggers at me, lol!  







    Societal expectations are not "stereotypical gender roles naturally playing out". I likely would be sitting with all the women oohing and ahhing because it is EXPECTED of me, and I would be judged if I ignored it and went outside with the guys. And guys who wanted to be inside oohing and ahhing would experience the same thing. 




    This is an interesting point. If I were a guest at a co-ed shower and hanging with "the guys" while gift opening was going on somewhere else, I could see women side-eyeing my absence. Even though male guests would be excluded from judgement "because the guys would be bored". 

    But at co-ed showers, the groom is still opening gifts with the bride, right? I would be pretty annoyed if I went to a co-ed shower, gave a gift to the couple, and then half of the couple decided to go drink beer with his buddies instead of open gifts, like household items are "not his thing". Bish, you sleep in sheets and eat off plates, too. Sit down. 


    I hope I didn't come across that I was side-eyeing anyone at the shower for doing what they were doing.  Perhaps "natural" was a bad word choice.  But whether it was preference or expectation, the end result was all the guys in one spot and all the gals in another.  At least for opening the presents.  I just found the segregation striking and even a little surprising from a sociological perspective.

    This was the only co-ed shower I've been to, so I can't speak for the "norm", but the groom was mainly outside with the guys.  Though I think he popped into the living room a few times while presents were being opened.  There weren't any shower games played.

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