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Wedding Etiquette Forum
walgrrl
member
XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?
Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a honeymoon registry.
The problem is, the other bridesmaids still want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no gifts to open.
The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want to make anyone mad or upset.
I've been trying to think of ways around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you think so?
However, I don't know if the bride will go for this idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to the guests!
The problem is, the other bridesmaids still want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no gifts to open.
The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want to make anyone mad or upset.
I've been trying to think of ways around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you think so?
However, I don't know if the bride will go for this idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to the guests!
Re: XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?
You can put on the invitation that the couple are saving for a honeymoon but IMO, I wouldn't list the honeymoon registry. Beyond that, I would tell your friend the bride that without a registry at her shower she'll probably get lots of towels, picture frames, and monogrammed items up the hoo ha.
You can certainly have a shower without a registry but that doesn't mean that cash replaces gifts. It means that guest are on their own and the guest of honor is open to a luck of the draw getting lots of mish mash.
I would try to steer your friend towards a small registry thinking of possibly upgrading things that she has and/or for items that they could use on a honeymoon like luggage.
You are absolutely correct. If the bride doesn't want boxed gifts, she should not be having a shower. Because that is literally what a shower is. People "showering" the couple with gifts. Usually boxed gifts.
Here's another idea that will hopefully go over better with the other BMs. Instead of having a shower, have a bridal luncheon. It's all the fun of bringing her loved ones and good friends together for a lunch celebrating her upcoming nuptials, but without the expectation of gifts.
HM registries are considered super awful and stupid here. It's basically giving the couple cash, but with a fee taken out by whatever website they are using.
If you get confirmation she is doing one, I'd suggest to her that she not bother using one of those websites. Just tell people...only when they ask...that they aren't registered anywhere because they don't have any needs. People will get the hint to give cash...without a HM registry website taking a cut.
A cash shower is extremely rude. She would really embarrass herself if someone threw one of those for her. In your position, I would not be willing to offer to a host a shower like that.
The good news is that it's not your, or anyone's, responsibility to throw her a shower. If you're uncomfortable with her cash registry, simply don't offer to throw a shower. If you want to host something, you could always offer to do a b-party or bridal tea instead.
While registering is not required for a shower, gifts given at a shower have to be physical gifts. The essence of a shower is to unwrap the gifts in the presence of the guests, so if this bride doesn't want to do that, a shower would be out of order. It would still be necessary for her to graciously receive and thank the givers for any gifts she does receive, but if all that's important is the party itself, I'd just call it a "party" and not a "shower."
BUT, I agree that most people won't show up to a shower if asked for the cash directly. Similarly I'll give cash as a wedding gift but if you tell me you have a honeymoon registry I'm not contributing to it.
Here's what I'd do. It sounds like, as MOH, you are willing to host a pre-wedding party for the bride, you're just uncomfortable with this shower (and you should be - it's super gross). I would tell the BMs they can go ahead and host the shower (you'll help set up and clean up, but they can host it) and you will host the bachelorette. They can have their slimy cash shower and you can host an etiquette friendly bach without having to take any input from people who see no problem with a cash shower.
Unless neither they nor anyone in the crowd drinks, the stuff to get is great and they can't really make the argument that they have everything that they need unless they own a package store.
Plus a few things we wouldn't have even thought about registering for {ie; new knife block - ironically, we had just broken ours recently}
But if the bride hasn't registered, then don't expect to give gifts. Many shower invitees didn't bring gifts - it was more for fun in my mind.
I had heard that her step-mother tried to get her to register but she didn’t “need” anything.
I like the idea of a brunch or luncheon especially if everyone just wants a party atmosphere.
I HATE being put in this position.
I don't know why some people think they are excused from using proper etiquette from the time they time they get engaged until those thank you notes are sent a year after the wedding.
I think so, also. I've often seen a favorite charity mentioned.
Though, it seems like sometimes family or friends will throw up a Go Fund Me page to help with medical/funeral expenses. Especially if the death is unexpected.
Depending on the circumstances, I either make a memorial donation to the charity listed in the obituary, or I put cash in the card and bring it to the funeral. The family can use it however they wish.