XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?

walgrrl

Hi everyone.  I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding.  The bride has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living together and have everything they need for their home.  They've made it clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the honeymoon.  I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting one.  Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere.  I mean, the thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me.  Also, I thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open up gifts.  If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the honeymoon fund.  I just can't get behind it.  But at the same time, I don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a shower.  I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways around this.  I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding.  She could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature frame, aisle runner, etc.  That way guests who want to give a physical gift can do so.  I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you think so? 

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this idea.  She seems adamant about no registry.  So if she forgoes the registry, what are my options?  It seems they're going ahead with the shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride down.  Is there any less rude way of doing this?  Maybe we can send invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!"  Something along those lines maybe?  Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated!  I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to the guests!

banana468

If she foregoes the registry then she needs to understand that she's going to probably get a lot of random things.

You can put on the invitation that the couple are saving for a honeymoon but IMO, I wouldn't list the honeymoon registry.  Beyond that, I would tell your friend the bride that without a registry at her shower she'll probably get lots of towels, picture frames, and monogrammed items up the hoo ha.  

You can certainly have a shower without a registry but that doesn't mean that cash replaces gifts.  It means that guest are on their own and the guest of honor is open to a luck of the draw getting lots of mish mash.

I would try to steer your friend towards a small registry thinking of possibly upgrading things that she has and/or for items that they could use on a honeymoon like luggage.

short+sassy

You are absolutely correct.  If the bride doesn't want boxed gifts, she should not be having a shower.  Because that is literally what a shower is.  People "showering" the couple with gifts.  Usually boxed gifts.

Here's another idea that will hopefully go over better with the other BMs.  Instead of having a shower, have a bridal luncheon.  It's all the fun of bringing her loved ones and good friends together for a lunch celebrating her upcoming nuptials, but without the expectation of gifts.

HM registries are considered super awful and stupid here.  It's basically giving the couple cash, but with a fee taken out by whatever website they are using.

If you get confirmation she is doing one, I'd suggest to her that she not bother using one of those websites.  Just tell people...only when they ask...that they aren't registered anywhere because they don't have any needs.  People will get the hint to give cash...without a HM registry website taking a cut.

MyNameIsNot

Showers are for physical gifts. If your friend decides not to register, she should expect a lot of random items, e.g. picture frames and cake cutters. I would assume she's not registering because she doesn't want those things. You could also offer to do a "stock the bar" or recipe shower, where themed gifts would give guests some ideas like a registry would.

A cash shower is extremely rude. She would really embarrass herself if someone threw one of those for her. In your position, I would not be willing to offer to a host a shower like that.

The good news is that it's not your, or anyone's, responsibility to throw her a shower. If you're uncomfortable with her cash registry, simply don't offer to throw a shower. If you want to host something, you could always offer to do a b-party or bridal tea instead.  

Jen4948

It's inappropriate to register for cash or have a cash shower.

While registering is not required for a shower, gifts given at a shower have to be physical gifts. The essence of a shower is to unwrap the gifts in the presence of the guests, so if this bride doesn't want to do that, a shower would be out of order. It would still be necessary for her to graciously receive and thank the givers for any gifts she does receive, but if all that's important is the party itself, I'd just call it a "party" and not a "shower."

banana468

Jen4948 said:

It's inappropriate to register for cash or have a cash shower.

While registering is not required for a shower, gifts given at a shower have to be physical gifts. The essence of a shower is to unwrap the gifts in the presence of the guests, so if this bride doesn't want to do that, a shower would be out of order. It would still be necessary for her to graciously receive and thank the givers for any gifts she does receive, but if all that's important is the party itself, I'd just call it a "party" and not a "shower."

I think it's important to note that the giver can give what s/he likes.   I received cash as a shower gift and that was fine.  But my shower wasn't a cash shower.   I think only one person did it so it wasn't common at all. 

BUT, I agree that most people won't show up to a shower if asked for the cash directly.  Similarly I'll give cash as a wedding gift but if you tell me you have a honeymoon registry I'm not contributing to it.  

southernbelle0915

If the bride is adamant about not registering and the other BMs see no problem with a cash shower, that's what's going to happen. No matter what you say or do, you're out numbered and money grubbers will be money grubbers. I wouldn't want my name anywhere near that.

Here's what I'd do. It sounds like, as MOH, you are willing to host a pre-wedding party for the bride, you're just uncomfortable with this shower (and you should be - it's super gross). I would tell the BMs they can go ahead and host the shower (you'll help set up and clean up, but they can host it) and you will host the bachelorette. They can have their slimy cash shower and you can host an etiquette friendly bach without having to take any input from people who see no problem with a cash shower.

ILoveBeachMusic

I think PPs have it covered and I whole heartedly agree with them. A cash shower is tacky and I would have no part of it. Host a luncheon or bach party if you feel you must host something as the MOH.

southernbelle0915

scribe95 said:

Try to convince them to at least do a themed shower - like kitchen gadgets or stock the bar or games for the new couple. If not I would basically stay out of it. I would attend as a bridesmaid but not really help. If they ask why say you are uncomfortable having essentially a cash shower. 

Also, as a guest if I got a shower invite with no registry I would not attend. 

A themed shower is a good idea. Some family friends of ours threw us a stock the bar themed shower where we had a Crate and Barrel registry that had beer glasses, wine glasses, wine stoppers & charms, coasters, whiskey stones, a shaker, a decanter, high balls, low balls, etc. And if people didn't go on registry, they just bought us booze and wine. Honestly it was fabulous. That might be a good alternative and you could offer to go with the bride to Crate and Barrel (or whatever) and pick out fun stuff for the registry - even if it's a small one. 

banana468

A stock the bar shower can be GREAT!

Unless neither they nor anyone in the crowd drinks, the stuff to get is great and they can't really make the argument that they have everything that they need unless they own a package store.

walgrrl

Thank you so much for all the advice and suggestions! I think I’ll ask her one more time if she plans on registering for a few wedding-related items she’ll need. If she says no to registering,  it seems as if we’re still in the clear etiquette-wise if we throw the party and call it a bridal luncheon and make no mention of gifts on the invitations, is that correct? Would that be an acceptable way to go about it? If we do that, and people still ask about where the bride is registered, would it be ok to say something like, “she didn’t need any home goods and therefore didn’t register, but the couple is saving up for their honeymoon”? 

ILoveBeachMusic

walgrrl said:

Thank you so much for all the advice and suggestions! I think I’ll ask her one more time if she plans on registering for a few wedding-related items she’ll need. If she says no to registering,  it seems as if we’re still in the clear etiquette-wise if we throw the party and call it a bridal luncheon and make no mention of gifts on the invitations, is that correct? Would that be an acceptable way to go about it? If we do that, and people still ask about where the bride is registered, would it be ok to say something like, “she didn’t need any home goods and therefore didn’t register, but the couple is saving up for their honeymoon”? 

Yes you are fine if you call it a luncheon and don't mention gifts. If people ask, I'd just say she has decided not to register.

southernbelle0915

scribe95 said:

Honestly, if you are going the luncheon route and people ask about gifts you say "it's just a gathering, not a shower. No gifts necessary."

This. Do not mention the HM registry. If people say "oh well I'd really like to bring a gift!" I would just tell them to talk to the bride. Either they will and she'll direct them to her (rude) HM registry or they won't and they'll write her a check because that's what 90% of people do when there's no registry.

MissKittyDanger

We didn't have a registry so we got a lot of personalized gifts and gift cards.
Plus a few things we wouldn't have even thought about registering for {ie; new knife block - ironically, we had just broken ours recently}


But if the bride hasn't registered, then don't expect to give gifts. Many shower invitees didn't bring gifts - it was more for fun in my mind.

TrixieJess

I’ve been to a Bridal Shower where the bride didn’t register and wanted cash/honeymoon fund. She received physical gifts without gift receipts or gift cards from places she didn’t shop at. 

I had heard that her step-mother tried to get her to register but she didn’t “need” anything. 

I like the idea of a brunch or luncheon especially if everyone just wants a party atmosphere. 

MandyMost

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

southernbelle0915

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.

MissKittyDanger

southernbelle0915 said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.

Can you send me a macramed animal? {maybe a cat?} that sounds oddly cute lol

southernbelle0915

MissKittyDanger said:

southernbelle0915 said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.

Can you send me a macramed animal? {maybe a cat?} that sounds oddly cute lol

Oh lord. Idk how to MAKE them. You can search on Etsy though! Lots of fabulous options lol

MairePoppy

 said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

My decision would be based on how close I am to the couple, distant cousins that I haven't seen in ten years - I'd decline the invitation. But if it's a close relative or friend, or I want to attend because all the family is going to be there, I'd go to the shower. I'd put $50 in a card, as a gift and be done with it. I have a wedding budget for all the gifts given to each couple. Whatever I don't spend on the shower, I give as a wedding gift. 

I don't know why some people think they are excused from using proper etiquette from the time they time they get engaged until those thank you notes are sent a year after the wedding. 

InLoveInQueens

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.

MissKittyDanger

southernbelle0915 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

southernbelle0915 said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.

Can you send me a macramed animal? {maybe a cat?} that sounds oddly cute lol

Oh lord. Idk how to MAKE them. You can search on Etsy though! Lots of fabulous options lol

Dammit! I was all excited

MesmrEwe

InLoveInQueens said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.

I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  

ei34

MesmrEwe said:

InLoveInQueens said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.

I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


SITB

Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..

ILoveBeachMusic

eileenrob said:

MesmrEwe said:

InLoveInQueens said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.

I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


SITB

Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..

I think maybe she meant giving a donation in a person's name to a charity. I've done that but don't consider it a gift but I guess it could be considered a gift in lieu of the gift of flowers.

short+sassy

ILoveBeachMusic said:

eileenrob said:

MesmrEwe said:

InLoveInQueens said:

MandyMost said:

I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
I HATE being put in this position.

I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.

I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


SITB

Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..

I think maybe she meant giving a donation in a person's name to a charity. I've done that but don't consider it a gift but I guess it could be considered a gift in lieu of the gift of flowers.

I think so, also.  I've often seen a favorite charity mentioned.

Though, it seems like sometimes family or friends will throw up a Go Fund Me page to help with medical/funeral expenses.  Especially if the death is unexpected.

MairePoppy

eileenrob said:

MesmrEwe said:

I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


SITB

Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..

My MIL, who understood how an unexpected death could strain a family's finances, always put money in her sympathy cards and placed them in the card basket near the guest book. She was grateful to those who helped her out when her husband passed away and wanted to pay it forward.

Depending on the circumstances, I either make a memorial donation to the charity listed in the obituary, or I put cash in the card and bring it to the funeral. The family can use it however they wish. 

charlotte989875

MairePoppy said:

eileenrob said:

MesmrEwe said:

I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


SITB

Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..

My MIL, who understood how an unexpected death could strain a family's finances, always put money in her sympathy cards and placed them in the card basket near the guest book. She was grateful to those who helped her out when her husband passed away and wanted to pay it forward.

Depending on the circumstances, I either make a memorial donation to the charity listed in the obituary, or I put cash in the card and bring it to the funeral. The family can use it however they wish. 

My friend just lost her son, unexpectedly, and many people sent gift cards to restaurants, grocery stores, instacart, or cash to help out. She said it was really thoughtful, and really helpful. 

flantastic

So I just went through this - the baby died after about an hour, unexpectedly, guys - and one of our friends' parents sent a check. We had to ask our friend what it was intended for. Basically it was a donation to charity in her name, but they wanted us to be able to choose the charity. Plenty of other people gave to our family, but in the form of gift cards to restaurants and grocery stores.

levioosa

flantastic said:

So I just went through this - the baby died after about an hour, unexpectedly, guys - and one of our friends' parents sent a check. We had to ask our friend what it was intended for. Basically it was a donation to charity in her name, but they wanted us to be able to choose the charity. Plenty of other people gave to our family, but in the form of gift cards to restaurants and grocery stores.

Oh, Flan, I am so so sorry. *hugs*

MairePoppy

@flantastic I'm sorry for your loss.