Etiquette

XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?

Hi everyone.  I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding.  The bride has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living together and have everything they need for their home.  They've made it clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the honeymoon.  I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting one.  Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere.  I mean, the thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me.  Also, I thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open up gifts.  If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the honeymoon fund.  I just can't get behind it.  But at the same time, I don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a shower.  I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways around this.  I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding.  She could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature frame, aisle runner, etc.  That way guests who want to give a physical gift can do so.  I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you think so? 

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this idea.  She seems adamant about no registry.  So if she forgoes the registry, what are my options?  It seems they're going ahead with the shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride down.  Is there any less rude way of doing this?  Maybe we can send invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!"  Something along those lines maybe?  Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated!  I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to the guests!
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Re: XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 16
    It's inappropriate to register for cash or have a cash shower.

    While registering is not required for a shower, gifts given at a shower have to be physical gifts. The essence of a shower is to unwrap the gifts in the presence of the guests, so if this bride doesn't want to do that, a shower would be out of order. It would still be necessary for her to graciously receive and thank the givers for any gifts she does receive, but if all that's important is the party itself, I'd just call it a "party" and not a "shower."
    STARMOON44CMGragainInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:
    It's inappropriate to register for cash or have a cash shower.

    While registering is not required for a shower, gifts given at a shower have to be physical gifts. The essence of a shower is to unwrap the gifts in the presence of the guests, so if this bride doesn't want to do that, a shower would be out of order. It would still be necessary for her to graciously receive and thank the givers for any gifts she does receive, but if all that's important is the party itself, I'd just call it a "party" and not a "shower."
    I think it's important to note that the giver can give what s/he likes.   I received cash as a shower gift and that was fine.  But my shower wasn't a cash shower.   I think only one person did it so it wasn't common at all. 

    BUT, I agree that most people won't show up to a shower if asked for the cash directly.  Similarly I'll give cash as a wedding gift but if you tell me you have a honeymoon registry I'm not contributing to it.  
    ILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875ahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I think PPs have it covered and I whole heartedly agree with them. A cash shower is tacky and I would have no part of it. Host a luncheon or bach party if you feel you must host something as the MOH.
    eileenrobshort+sassy
  • Thank you so much for all the advice and suggestions! I think I’ll ask her one more time if she plans on registering for a few wedding-related items she’ll need. If she says no to registering,  it seems as if we’re still in the clear etiquette-wise if we throw the party and call it a bridal luncheon and make no mention of gifts on the invitations, is that correct? Would that be an acceptable way to go about it? If we do that, and people still ask about where the bride is registered, would it be ok to say something like, “she didn’t need any home goods and therefore didn’t register, but the couple is saving up for their honeymoon”? 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    walgrrl said:
    Thank you so much for all the advice and suggestions! I think I’ll ask her one more time if she plans on registering for a few wedding-related items she’ll need. If she says no to registering,  it seems as if we’re still in the clear etiquette-wise if we throw the party and call it a bridal luncheon and make no mention of gifts on the invitations, is that correct? Would that be an acceptable way to go about it? If we do that, and people still ask about where the bride is registered, would it be ok to say something like, “she didn’t need any home goods and therefore didn’t register, but the couple is saving up for their honeymoon”? 
    Yes you are fine if you call it a luncheon and don't mention gifts. If people ask, I'd just say she has decided not to register.
    STARMOON44eileenrobMesmrEwePrettyGirlLost
  • We didn't have a registry so we got a lot of personalized gifts and gift cards.
    Plus a few things we wouldn't have even thought about registering for {ie; new knife block - ironically, we had just broken ours recently}


    But if the bride hasn't registered, then don't expect to give gifts. Many shower invitees didn't bring gifts - it was more for fun in my mind.
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    short+sassyMairePoppyCMGragain
  • MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.
    Can you send me a macramed animal? {maybe a cat?} :| that sounds oddly cute lol
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
    MesmrEwePrettyGirlLost
  • MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.
    Can you send me a macramed animal? {maybe a cat?} :| that sounds oddly cute lol
    Oh lord. Idk how to MAKE them. You can search on Etsy though! Lots of fabulous options lol
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    TrixieJessMissKittyDangerMesmrEwe
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited January 18
     said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    My decision would be based on how close I am to the couple, distant cousins that I haven't seen in ten years - I'd decline the invitation. But if it's a close relative or friend, or I want to attend because all the family is going to be there, I'd go to the shower. I'd put $50 in a card, as a gift and be done with it. I have a wedding budget for all the gifts given to each couple. Whatever I don't spend on the shower, I give as a wedding gift. 

    I don't know why some people think they are excused from using proper etiquette from the time they time they get engaged until those thank you notes are sent a year after the wedding. 


                
    thisismynickname2
  • MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I would probably give them a macramed owl for their front door. When you throw a tacky party, you get a tacky gift.
    Can you send me a macramed animal? {maybe a cat?} :| that sounds oddly cute lol
    Oh lord. Idk how to MAKE them. You can search on Etsy though! Lots of fabulous options lol
    Dammit! I was all excited :\
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.
    I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  
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  • MesmrEwe said:
    MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.
    I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


    SITB

    Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
    I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    eileenrob said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.
    I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


    SITB

    Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
    I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..
    I think maybe she meant giving a donation in a person's name to a charity. I've done that but don't consider it a gift but I guess it could be considered a gift in lieu of the gift of flowers.
    eileenrobshort+sassy
  • eileenrob said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    MandyMost said:
    I'm invited to a shower soon with no registry where they asked for cash for the honeymoon. I'm undecided yet if I'm showing up with just a card, with cash in a card, or with a bottle of booze instead. I'm leaning towards the bottle of booze.
    I HATE being put in this position.
    I'm that kind of petty bitch that, if I even bothered attending, I would just buy something for their home and not bother with a gift receipt. A shower is for physical gifts and I always give a check for weddings but I refuse to "donate" to honeymoon funds, especially not for a shower.
    I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


    SITB

    Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
    I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..
    I think maybe she meant giving a donation in a person's name to a charity. I've done that but don't consider it a gift but I guess it could be considered a gift in lieu of the gift of flowers.


    I think so, also.  I've often seen a favorite charity mentioned.

    Though, it seems like sometimes family or friends will throw up a Go Fund Me page to help with medical/funeral expenses.  Especially if the death is unexpected.

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    eileenrob
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited January 24
    eileenrob said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


    SITB

    Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
    I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..
    My MIL, who understood how an unexpected death could strain a family's finances, always put money in her sympathy cards and placed them in the card basket near the guest book. She was grateful to those who helped her out when her husband passed away and wanted to pay it forward.

    Depending on the circumstances, I either make a memorial donation to the charity listed in the obituary, or I put cash in the card and bring it to the funeral. The family can use it however they wish. 
                
    short+sassyeileenrobMesmrEwePrettyGirlLost
  • eileenrob said:
    MesmrEwe said:
    I'm overall not a "Cash gift giver" SNS.  Cash gifts just aren't my thing except at funerals.  If I know the couple well enough to be invited to their wedding I know them well enough to put a "No matter how many you've got you'll go through it/use it" type gift together for them.   Otherwise I hand it over to DH, who will give their request due consideration to the tackiness level of the cash request.  


    SITB

    Are cash gifts at funerals a thing?  (Not judging just curious.)  If it’s a Catholic wake I bring a Mass card, which did cost a small amount of money, but I’ve never given cash to the grieving family.
    I’ve also visited with food, which again cost me money to purchase (and time to prepare), but not a “cash gift”.  I’m just intrigued..
    My MIL, who understood how an unexpected death could strain a family's finances, always put money in her sympathy cards and placed them in the card basket near the guest book. She was grateful to those who helped her out when her husband passed away and wanted to pay it forward.

    Depending on the circumstances, I either make a memorial donation to the charity listed in the obituary, or I put cash in the card and bring it to the funeral. The family can use it however they wish. 
    My friend just lost her son, unexpectedly, and many people sent gift cards to restaurants, grocery stores, instacart, or cash to help out. She said it was really thoughtful, and really helpful. 
    MairePoppyshort+sassyeileenrobJen4948
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    So I just went through this - the baby died after about an hour, unexpectedly, guys - and one of our friends' parents sent a check. We had to ask our friend what it was intended for. Basically it was a donation to charity in her name, but they wanted us to be able to choose the charity. Plenty of other people gave to our family, but in the form of gift cards to restaurants and grocery stores.

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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    So I just went through this - the baby died after about an hour, unexpectedly, guys - and one of our friends' parents sent a check. We had to ask our friend what it was intended for. Basically it was a donation to charity in her name, but they wanted us to be able to choose the charity. Plenty of other people gave to our family, but in the form of gift cards to restaurants and grocery stores.
    Oh, Flan, I am so so sorry. *hugs*


    image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    @flantastic I'm sorry for your loss.
                
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