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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Having a wedding but not legally married
Me and my fiancé are planning a wedding but we will not be signing legal papers to be legally married. My fiancé went through 3 divorces when we was young and does not belive it the legal aspect of marrige. I on the other hand have never had divorce in my familly. We have been engaged 5 years now (after having two babies) we comprimised on a wedding but no legal aspects. To us the vows we make to each other and the celebratuon of our love with our families is what is tge most important. We will from that day on be husban and wife just not in the eyes of the federal government. We will be signing our vows instead of having a legal certificate. We will have my fiancé father as our officiant because it will mean more to us. I just wanted to know if you think we need to tell all our guest that it is not legal? Our parents know and are happy for us. I just dont see why we need to go into details with everyone why we are not making it legal. Thoughts?
Re: Having a wedding but not legally married
This. A "Commitment Celebration" is great wording. You can call it that without having to give further explanation and it's not leading people to believe that this ceremony will be an actual wedding.
You are having a commitment ceremony. There is nothing wrong with this as long as you do not confuse it with a wedding. There will probably be questions. You cannot avoid them. How you answer is totally up to you, but you cannot lie to people and pretend that this is a wedding because it is not.
I am usually the Knottie who advises invitation wording. Try this:
Reception to follow
This wording makes it clear that you are not inviting people to a wedding. He is not your fiance if you are not planning to be legally married. You will not be "husband and wife". "Partner" is a more accurate word. Many senior citizens (I am one) decide to do this because of legal tangles with family. I hope you have a lovely ceremony. It can be beautiful and significant.
PS. Be sure and check the marriage laws of your state. There are states that would recognize you as being legally married (common law) without the paperwork!
But the bigger issue is: are you OK with not being married? Whilst yes, the legal aspect makes it hard to extricate oneself, that is because it gives protections. Especially with 2 young children. For example, if you gave up work to care for your children, if the relationship breaks down and you are married, that is taken into account in the settlement. If not legally married, you get nothing. Including having to leave the house if it is just in his name. You are entitled to nothing. EVERYONE thinks their relationship is going to last, or that people are going to be ‘fair’ in breakups. The sad reality is unmarried women with children are routinely and regularly screwed by the legal system during relationship breakdowns. This also means you have few automatic rights if he dies, is hospitalised etc. Look at all the challenges gay people faced about marriage and why legal protection is key- if he is in hospital, you will not be the person asked to make medical decisions. You will not receive any government or pension benefits.
This isn’t a compromise- you are trading one day of attention for a lifetime safety net. It’s your life, and of course chose what’s best for you. But only if you are prepared to literally walk away from all of this with nothing that you didn’t come in with. It doesn’t matter if you paid the mortgage, if the house is in his name, it’s his. You are entitled to nothing. He will legally have a responsibility for his kids, but he has nothing to you.
I know you love him, and think this will be fine, but truly ask yourself: Is one day of feeling like a ‘bride’ enough for giving up a lifetime of protection for you and your children? Because that doesn’t seem like a ‘compromise,’ it seems like placating.
And I agree with PPs, don't lie to people. You can't have a wedding at which you do not get married; that's the definition of a wedding. Call it something else or get married; those are your only options.
Im happy with the desision we made. It might not be what everyone wants and some might not get it but since this is our decision I think thats what counts the most.
We have no intentions of lying or misleading our guest! This is why i came here for ideas how to word it properly . Since we live in Quebec things are quite diffrent. If we were to split I still get 50% of everything. The only thing I cant touch is his pention. Wich is why my fiancé started one for me in the first place. Thank you all for your input and ideas.
And as PPs have noted, holding yourselves out as a married couple, whether or not you have a legal marriage certificate, could lead to you being treated as "common-law married."
And to be be honest with you, I personally would really resent being invited to such an event and not told that what I'm seeing doesn't constitute a legal marriage. I also am not into seeing couples "celebrate their coupledom" without getting legally married because one or both "don't believe in marriage." It comes across as a big, expensive ego-fest. I prefer to spend my time and money in other ways than as a guest at such an event. Lots of people in this forum feel the same,and you might find that this is also true of your families and friends.
PS - "silence" on the matter =/= "agreement" with it or "support" for it. And you might be surprised at how many people you believe will go along with it "because they love you" actually won't.
PPS - Marriage records, and the lack thereof, are public. It can be easily checked out that you're not getting married. Forget about keeping that aspect of all this "secret." And forget about whether it's "anyone else's business." As a citizen and taxpayer, I hate being lied to about someone else's marital status who claims the benefits of a state he or she is not actually legally entitled to. That's called "fraud," BTW.
A wedding needs these things: a couple who wants to get married (You do not qualify!), a valid marriage license in the state or province you are having the ceremony (You won't have this), a licensed officiant (You won't have one) and legal witnesses.
There is nothing illegal or wrong about having a commitment ceremony, as long as you make it clear that this is what it is. In your first post you said that you were having "a wedding". You are not. If you tell people this, you will be lying. I even gave you the proper wording for your invitation.
Commitment ceremonies were often used by same sex couples in the old days before they could be legally married. Now that the laws have changed, they are seldom used, since most couples want and need the legal protection of marriage.
A fiance is someone who wants to marry you. Your partner may be the father of your children, but he has made it very clear that he does not want to marry you. Therefore, he cannot be your fiance. Telling people that he is would be a lie.
What about what YOU want? Do you really want the protection of marriage for your loving family? We have warned you about the consequences of your choice. Please think very long and hard before you give in to your partner's demands. He is not thinking about the children's best interest, or yours, either. Yes, we care, here.
You must do what you think is best. You can certainly have a commitment ceremony if this is what you really want.
I dont mean to offend anyone in saying this but thats my way of thinking. If it came down to it I could support myself and my kids just fine without him. You say the protection of marrige... what additional protection do i have? Our wills are made up, if we split i get haft of everything because I own half of everything. If we were ever to split he would be worst off then me since we will have to pay for child support. No he will not pay for me, nor do i need him too. So unless im missing something then please explain it.
I called it a wedding in my first post because i did not know what else to call it. We have no intention of lying to anyone. I was just wondering what to write on my invitations so that people will understand what it is.
If he said "i want to get married" i would. But i will not leave him for something that he dosent want to do. My family and our relationship is worth more to me than the title of "wife".
There are many lawyers who can explain to you how important the difference is between being married and not being married. Please talk to one! You have your children's future at stake. If you do not understand the advantages, you are missing something very important!
Nobody here cares if you get married or not. We don't care WHY, either. We tried to help you with suggestions, and you came back with attitude. You are free to have your commitment ceremony, but why defend it? If it really is what YOU want, go for it, but talk to the lawyer first. I am afraid that you are making a terrible mistake.
Just remember, this is not a wedding. It is just a party. If you wouldnt do it for a regular birthday/anniversary party, don’t do it here.
He is not your fiancé because you are not getting married. He is your partner. The reasons people place such a big deal on weddings is you are watching people make a lifelong legal commitment. You are foregoing that because you gave up the legal aspect. You need to make sure each guest is aware this is not a wedding, but a self declared commitment ceremony.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not getting legally married, but your may be commonlaw in the eyes of the government if you live together and present each other as your spouse.
I recommend some sort of prenuptial agreement/commonlaw agreement. i had a co-habitation agreement with my then boyfriend and we had a prenup before we married. It isn’t sexy, but it is very practical. It may also be worth speaking to a family lawyer about implications if you split up. Are you both entitled to spousal support, would you be on the hook to pay him if you make more, how would assets be divided? Wills are great but if government gets involved they may interpret differently. You may also want to speak with a tax lawyer about tax implications if you aren’t legally married but seen as commonlaw in the eyes of the government.
Im asking this for own curiosity, in the absence of him wanting to get legally married, why spend the money on a commitment ceremony?
You may want to double check the pension thought. It may be different in Quebec but I work with a lady that was commonlaw and she just found out that her now ex partner may actually be entitled to some of her pension. They had filed taxes together to improve deductions for the kids and that apparently led to this being a possibility.
I'm not sure what it could mean to say that he doesn't believe in the "legal aspect" of marriage except that he doesn't want the legal hassle of extricating himself from you later (and therefore is denying you those legal protections). I can understand that it makes the breakup longer, and more expensive, but that's part of the commitment you make in marrying in the first place. If he's not willing to make that commitment, then what is the commitment you'd both be making at your ceremony?
Deciding this "recently" after you've been engaged for a while tells me that this man is rethinking his level of commitment to you.
If you want to marry me then marry me. Don't ask me to marry you and then tell you that you don't believe in it but that you believe I'm entitled to all the things I get with a legal marriage. It makes NO sense.
Commitment? This was the number one reason I married DH.
What about if the relationship just ends? Do you have any agreement that you're legally entitled to his earnings to support you and the kids? What about your home?
FWIW, at this point now that you're parents I would want every possible protection in writing. That still doesn't prevent your relationship from ending but I wouldn't even live with my SO without knowing that I have legal protection.
If nothing else, it sounds like the OP at least got the phrase "Commitment Ceremony" as to what to call their event.
Because, agreed, if a couple I knew had been referring to their SO as their fiancé for 5 years. And then started talking about a wedding. I'd assume it was...a wedding, ie legal ceremony.
I wanted to throw in my two cents because I was in a little bit of a similar situation. When I met my H, he'd been divorced twice and I'd never been married. He never said marriage was "off the table". But 12 years went by and he'd never proposed and said "someday" (while squirming) when the subject came up.
Marriage was important to me, but he was more important and I resigned myself to the fact that we'd probably never get married. And then in Year 12, he surprised me one day by saying he wanted to shop for engagement rings. He proposed a few months later.
Long before our engagement, we had been planning our lives together already. And there is nothing wrong with that. People sometimes have very good reasons for being longtime couples and not getting married. However, we NEVER referred to each other as "fiancée" or "husband/wife", until after getting engaged/after getting married. Because words have meanings.
Obviously I don't want to tell the OP how to feel, but I would have been pretty devastated if my SO had proposed and been calling me his FI for 5 years and then decided he didn't actually want to get married. For me, that would have been a cue for some serious discussions to be happening.
IMO, it's bachelor bait and switch.
If we're in a relationship and the groundwork has been laid for my SO to say that he doesn't want a commitment then it's no surprise if he isn't making one.
But I'm not a fan of back tracking. Don't propose (literally) and then decide that it's not working. Don't call me your fiance if you do not desire to marry me. And PLEASE - get your shit together and figure that out long before you do it. Don't create a fake commitment ceremony in the hopes that the party and dress up is what I want. I don't want that. I want the MARRIAGE and everything that specific legal (and religious) binding contains.
I feel like the this is the 100 calorie pack version of attempting to give what the OP wants. It sort of looks like it and in the end it's sort of what she was wanting and yet - it's just not.
A relationship that's supposed to simulate marriage without any legal protection just isn't worth the risks you list, not to mention claims to any other property acquired together and other things like not being his next of kin, and him not being your next of kin in case of emergencies and things like that.