Trying to see if maybe I'm overreacting, or if I should set a healthy boundary, or to see what is considered "normal" here.
The situation is that my FMIL is graciously hosting our rehearsal dinner. I'm so thankful she's doing it, and it's a huge help to FH and me. Overall she is really kind, caring, generous, etc. She's also a supperrr Type A planner (I'm a type A planner too but I think in a different way). For the most part (outside of political differences of opinion) we have a great relationship.
When it comes to wedding planning she's been much more assertive in her opinions than I'd ever expected. My FH and I are paying for the wedding, along with help from my parents. She has had negative opinions on everything from the wedding colors I chose, not picking from the extremely expensive list of photographers our venue gave us, having "too many" (6) people on each side of our wedding party (even though I proactively included her unstable daughter in mine whom I do love like my own sister but is a huge handful). She wants the most expensive and ridiculously priced dessert that I can't ever imagine sharing the price tag with my parents (and she is not well off at all and knows that we and my parents aren't - it seems like she's just thrown budget out the window for our wedding). And don't even get me started on who will marry us even though it's so personal between FH and I (we compromised and got a pastor). She also insists on the wedding band FH will have (the metal and color and width), and on what colors he should wear for the wedding, and on and on and on.
Anyway, that was a little background for you. As I said, she is planning the rehearsal dinner. We are 11 months out from the wedding. She is all ready to start planning (I think she's just excited). So she called me on Sunday and asked that I ask the venue what time rehearsal is, because they have weddings on Friday as well and we weren't sure how they accommodate that. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable request. I told her I'd email that night...instead I was absolutely exhausted and fell asleep. I sent the email Thursday morning, at which point the venue responded that "they've already spoken with my FMIL" and was like "wait what". Is it normal for FMIL to call the venue??? Not only that, but she is driving down to meet with them this coming Sunday (a 2.5 hour drive) to discuss the rehearsal dinner (or at least it's only supposed to be about the rehearsal dinner). I am very nervous that she is going to give them orders on how things will be for our wedding - though I can't predict the future for sure.
Is this normal FMIL behavior? Is she just really excited? Should I set up a healthy boundary, and if so, how do I do that? What is she tries to tell them plans for the wedding that don't match my vision or budget? If she's hosting the event, I'd think some sort of contact would be normal, right? Not sure if this tidbit matters, but I come from a very hands-off, checked-out family that would never in a million years make a phone call like that to schools, or sports teams, etc., whereas I get the feeling that she probably called FH's college about grades.
Thank you for your help!
*Edited for grammar and clarity.
Edit: Note that the actual rehearsal of the ceremony will be at the same venue as the wedding. The actual rehearsal itself may or may not be at the same venue (though I think we're leaning on having it at the same place).
So I received a phone call from FMIL who said that she's fairly certain that the $ contribution we'd agreed upon wouldn't cover everything for the rehearsal and that we will be responsible for the rest. I very much appreciate any help at all and am okay with covering the rest; however, after looking into places on my own, I'm very concerned because I could easily cover our number of people within the budget she set aside, complete with wine and such with dinner. So now I'm concerned that she's looking into very expensive places and expecting us to pick up the tab. If we are both contributing financially then shouldn't we both have a say in the place???
So anyway, after that conversation I looked around our area and found two cute places that are really pretty and within budget. I emailed both of them and copied FMIL and FH. Then the next morning I receive an email asking why I did that basically asking why *I* stepped on *her* toes even after she called my venue and set up a meeting with them AND set up a meeting with the our hotel block's manager?????
I told FH that I will speak to her if he doesn't and he said "that's fine". So how do I phrase this without permanently damaging the relationship while also getting my point across??????