Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Chit Chat
![[Deleted User]](/)
[Deleted User]
member
Options
FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??
Hello,
Trying to see if maybe I'm overreacting, or if I should set a healthy boundary, or to see what is considered "normal" here.
The situation is that my FMIL is graciously hosting our rehearsal dinner. I'm so thankful she's doing it, and it's a huge help to FH and me. Overall she is really kind, caring, generous, etc. She's also a supperrr Type A planner (I'm a type A planner too but I think in a different way). For the most part (outside of political differences of opinion) we have a great relationship.
When it comes to wedding planning she's been much more assertive in her opinions than I'd ever expected. My FH and I are paying for the wedding, along with help from my parents. She has had negative opinions on everything from the wedding colors I chose, not picking from the extremely expensive list of photographers our venue gave us, having "too many" (6) people on each side of our wedding party (even though I proactively included her unstable daughter in mine whom I do love like my own sister but is a huge handful). She wants the most expensive and ridiculously priced dessert that I can't ever imagine sharing the price tag with my parents (and she is not well off at all and knows that we and my parents aren't - it seems like she's just thrown budget out the window for our wedding). And don't even get me started on who will marry us even though it's so personal between FH and I (we compromised and got a pastor). She also insists on the wedding band FH will have (the metal and color and width), and on what colors he should wear for the wedding, and on and on and on.
Anyway, that was a little background for you. As I said, she is planning the rehearsal dinner. We are 11 months out from the wedding. She is all ready to start planning (I think she's just excited). So she called me on Sunday and asked that I ask the venue what time rehearsal is, because they have weddings on Friday as well and we weren't sure how they accommodate that. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable request. I told her I'd email that night...instead I was absolutely exhausted and fell asleep. I sent the email Thursday morning, at which point the venue responded that "they've already spoken with my FMIL" and was like "wait what". Is it normal for FMIL to call the venue??? Not only that, but she is driving down to meet with them this coming Sunday (a 2.5 hour drive) to discuss the rehearsal dinner (or at least it's only supposed to be about the rehearsal dinner). I am very nervous that she is going to give them orders on how things will be for our wedding - though I can't predict the future for sure.
Is this normal FMIL behavior? Is she just really excited? Should I set up a healthy boundary, and if so, how do I do that? What is she tries to tell them plans for the wedding that don't match my vision or budget? If she's hosting the event, I'd think some sort of contact would be normal, right? Not sure if this tidbit matters, but I come from a very hands-off, checked-out family that would never in a million years make a phone call like that to schools, or sports teams, etc., whereas I get the feeling that she probably called FH's college about grades.
Thank you for your help!
*Edited for grammar and clarity.
Edit: Note that the actual rehearsal of the ceremony will be at the same venue as the wedding. The actual rehearsal itself may or may not be at the same venue (though I think we're leaning on having it at the same place).
EDIT UPDATE:
So I received a phone call from FMIL who said that she's fairly certain that the $ contribution we'd agreed upon wouldn't cover everything for the rehearsal and that we will be responsible for the rest. I very much appreciate any help at all and am okay with covering the rest; however, after looking into places on my own, I'm very concerned because I could easily cover our number of people within the budget she set aside, complete with wine and such with dinner. So now I'm concerned that she's looking into very expensive places and expecting us to pick up the tab. If we are both contributing financially then shouldn't we both have a say in the place???
So anyway, after that conversation I looked around our area and found two cute places that are really pretty and within budget. I emailed both of them and copied FMIL and FH. Then the next morning I receive an email asking why I did that basically asking why *I* stepped on *her* toes even after she called my venue and set up a meeting with them AND set up a meeting with the our hotel block's manager?????
I told FH that I will speak to her if he doesn't and he said "that's fine". So how do I phrase this without permanently damaging the relationship while also getting my point across??????
Trying to see if maybe I'm overreacting, or if I should set a healthy boundary, or to see what is considered "normal" here.
The situation is that my FMIL is graciously hosting our rehearsal dinner. I'm so thankful she's doing it, and it's a huge help to FH and me. Overall she is really kind, caring, generous, etc. She's also a supperrr Type A planner (I'm a type A planner too but I think in a different way). For the most part (outside of political differences of opinion) we have a great relationship.
When it comes to wedding planning she's been much more assertive in her opinions than I'd ever expected. My FH and I are paying for the wedding, along with help from my parents. She has had negative opinions on everything from the wedding colors I chose, not picking from the extremely expensive list of photographers our venue gave us, having "too many" (6) people on each side of our wedding party (even though I proactively included her unstable daughter in mine whom I do love like my own sister but is a huge handful). She wants the most expensive and ridiculously priced dessert that I can't ever imagine sharing the price tag with my parents (and she is not well off at all and knows that we and my parents aren't - it seems like she's just thrown budget out the window for our wedding). And don't even get me started on who will marry us even though it's so personal between FH and I (we compromised and got a pastor). She also insists on the wedding band FH will have (the metal and color and width), and on what colors he should wear for the wedding, and on and on and on.
Anyway, that was a little background for you. As I said, she is planning the rehearsal dinner. We are 11 months out from the wedding. She is all ready to start planning (I think she's just excited). So she called me on Sunday and asked that I ask the venue what time rehearsal is, because they have weddings on Friday as well and we weren't sure how they accommodate that. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable request. I told her I'd email that night...instead I was absolutely exhausted and fell asleep. I sent the email Thursday morning, at which point the venue responded that "they've already spoken with my FMIL" and was like "wait what". Is it normal for FMIL to call the venue??? Not only that, but she is driving down to meet with them this coming Sunday (a 2.5 hour drive) to discuss the rehearsal dinner (or at least it's only supposed to be about the rehearsal dinner). I am very nervous that she is going to give them orders on how things will be for our wedding - though I can't predict the future for sure.
Is this normal FMIL behavior? Is she just really excited? Should I set up a healthy boundary, and if so, how do I do that? What is she tries to tell them plans for the wedding that don't match my vision or budget? If she's hosting the event, I'd think some sort of contact would be normal, right? Not sure if this tidbit matters, but I come from a very hands-off, checked-out family that would never in a million years make a phone call like that to schools, or sports teams, etc., whereas I get the feeling that she probably called FH's college about grades.
Thank you for your help!
*Edited for grammar and clarity.
Edit: Note that the actual rehearsal of the ceremony will be at the same venue as the wedding. The actual rehearsal itself may or may not be at the same venue (though I think we're leaning on having it at the same place).
EDIT UPDATE:
So I received a phone call from FMIL who said that she's fairly certain that the $ contribution we'd agreed upon wouldn't cover everything for the rehearsal and that we will be responsible for the rest. I very much appreciate any help at all and am okay with covering the rest; however, after looking into places on my own, I'm very concerned because I could easily cover our number of people within the budget she set aside, complete with wine and such with dinner. So now I'm concerned that she's looking into very expensive places and expecting us to pick up the tab. If we are both contributing financially then shouldn't we both have a say in the place???
So anyway, after that conversation I looked around our area and found two cute places that are really pretty and within budget. I emailed both of them and copied FMIL and FH. Then the next morning I receive an email asking why I did that basically asking why *I* stepped on *her* toes even after she called my venue and set up a meeting with them AND set up a meeting with the our hotel block's manager?????
I told FH that I will speak to her if he doesn't and he said "that's fine". So how do I phrase this without permanently damaging the relationship while also getting my point across??????
Re: FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??
Is your all's wedding venue where the rehearsal dinner is also being held? If so, than it's fine for her to talk to them about the REHEARSAL DINNER ONLY. Though it does seem like a waste of time to me for her to drive 5 hours r/t about a dinner she is hosting. But that's her choice.
With that said, I would give a big heads up to whoever your contacts are at the venue, that your FMIL has no say and no authorization, whatsoever, to make any changes to your all's plans.
You and your FI should limit the wedding talk with her as much as you all can. When the negativity starts, keep some general/noncommittal comments handy. Like, "We'll consider that (even if you won't)." Or "Thanks for your input, but we're happy with ABC Baker." Depending on how pushy she gets, you and your FI should also start shutting conversations down. Like, "I know you aren't happy we chose X and Y for our colors. But that's what we want and it's decided. We can agree to disagree, but we're not discussing it further."
If the RD isn’t being held at your wedding venue then I think it’s strange that she called your wedding venue, and I’d recommend you and FI set boundaries. The entire bolded paragraph i’d just stop wedding small talk with her. This far out she needs to know the date and city it’s in, not details. Bean dip on repeat.
I would absolutely alert your venue to the fact that she will only have input on the RD. It does seem odd to me for her to drive so far, just to see the venue. She certainly doesn't need to go see it plan the RD.
I think you need to set a healthy boundary now, and your FI is the one that needs to do it.
And don't discuss your plans with your FMIL anymore beyond anything she absolutely needs to know. If she asks about anything or expresses her opinions on anything wedding-related, bean-dip her: "Thanks, FMIL. Will you have some bean dip with those chips?"
Speaking of someone who's MIL started planning a baby shower when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I get wanting to plan the RD 11 months out!
But also, blood talks to blood. One reason my overbearing MIL and I get along so fabulously is that DH keeps her in check. I could totally see my MIL acting like yours in terms of calling the venue and traveling- she probably would have if we'd had an RD in the first place, haha.
So is her behavior "normal"- eh, it's borderline. Like I said, the negativity is bad news. But in terms of being Type A planner, it's normal for that type of person.
Anyway, like others said, make it crystal clear with your venue that she is doing the RD only and has no authority on any of your decisions, contracts, etc. for the wedding itself! And get your FI to get her to slow her roll a bit.
I'll call them today and explain.
HOW do we set the boundary and what do we say???
And I'm confused.
Is your wedding venue also where your RD will be and will they be preparing the food for both?
If so what I would do is be super clear: Your FMIL is the contact for the RD only. They are not to answer any questions that she has regarding the day of. I presume that you have a contract with them and you just need to be clear: she is not part of the contract for the wedding day.
It sounds like she's over stepping but her heart is in the right place. I would make sure that all of this is clear with your venue and then make sure you continue to communicate with your FI to ensure that you two are on the same page regarding how to communicate with her.
Yes boundaries are in order, but it's not your place to set them. Your FI needs to tell her to back off when she starts asking lot of questions or offering unsolicited opinions. You're right, she sounds like one of those horrible helicopter parents who would have called every coach and teacher over every little thing. Your FI should have figured out how to push her off by now. If he hasn't, there's no time like the present. Letting her helicopter the wedding just sets her up to helicopter your marriage and everything else for the rest of your lives. Do you want this woman deciding where you live, if/when you have kids, or how you plan financially forever? FI needs to shut it down now.
When she asks you about something, you just deflect and bean dip. She can't second guess your decisions if you won't give her an inch.
"What are you doing for flowers?"
"We're still thinking about it. Have you tried this dip?"
"You should have daisies"
"This dip really is great. You really need to try it."
"Roses are just so blah."
"But really, this dip. I'm going to go find Sally and get the recipe."
The basic rule is that whoever is paying/hosting gets to plan the event. Your FMIL is paying for the rehearsal dinner so she gets to decide the menu, decor, who is invited, as long as those who are expected to attend rehearsal and their SOs are included in the guest list. She will need to contact the rehearsal dinner venue to work out the details on the rehearsal dinner, only. It seems a bit early to be planning the RD, but if the venue is willing to do that, it might be a way to divert your FMIL attention to the event that she is actually planning.
Ex: 'Debra, you should have Grand Marnier crepes, flambeed table side after dinner.'
'Marie, we have decided on dessert, but I think it would be lovely for you to have that at the RD.' If she presses you for details, tell her you want to surprise her. (Remember the loving, well meaning, meddling mother on Everyone Loves Raymond?)
The two of you and your parents are paying for and hosting the wedding so your FMIL should not be interfering in that event. All those details are up to you and your parents.You need to take control back. Fi should remind his mother that she can have carte blanche on the RD, but she should not try to influence the wedding day decisions. You also should contact the venue manager and let her know that the wedding day contract is between you and the venue and no one else has your permission to discuss the details or make changed to your plans.
I hope your FMIL goes back to her kind, loving self after the wedding.
ETA: If the RD is not at the wedding venue, there is no need for them to meet with her. She is not in charge of the rehearsal, only the dinner.
The dessert thing is hard because it more the experience that she likes - basically it's personal apple pies and me and FH would wear aprons and serve ice cream or whipped cream to our guests, which serves as another way to visit with everyone. I love the idea too but the price tag is seriously waaayyyyyy out of our budget. I'm going to see if the venue will do personalized deep dish chocolate chip cookies and let us serve ice cream and if that will be a better price. So anyway, it wouldn't have the same effect if we did it at the rehearsal dinner.
And the end result will be that either guests get short-changed with a drop off in lieu of your visits with them or table 26 way in the back gets cold sugared cream on a cookie while table 1 gets a nice firm scoop.
If you're having a dozen guests then that's fine - but you're not. So you should have the experienced venue you hired serving your guests and then you and your FI (then H) can spend the appropriate time with each guest without worrying about how long you're taking or staining.
That being said, I appreciate the opinions, but FI and I will figure out the dessert :-)
I love the idea in concept and for a RD it could work. With a wedding the size you describe I don't think would work as well as you think it would.
As for visiting, we would also be going around during dinner, and reaching out as much as we can during dancing - the dessert would only be a supplement to seeing everyone.
That being said, I appreciate the opinions, but FI and I will figure out the dessert :-)
Bolded- If you were to establish a boundary, would it be you and FI vs MIL, or you vs FI and MIL?
edit grammar
If something warrants his attention then he can't ostrich it. So you two need to discuss the issues you see. You then need to try to understand his point of view and he needs to understand yours.
If you establish a boundary without his consent what you're ultimately doing is creating an issue within not just your relationship but your relationship with your FMIL and HIS relationship with HIS mother.
If you're not in agreement then the issue is between the two of you. If you ARE in agreement and he's not open to change then you two may want to look into counseling so he can understand how to communicate with you and his mother more effectively.
You can't establish his boundaries with his mother. He has to do that. You can try to draw a line, but as soon as she pushes back and he defers to her, your boundary is busted and you're the enemy of both of them.
Ditto PP. If he honestly doesn't see a problem with this, counselling is probably a good step. You can be certain of one thing; this does not end here. She will be the third person in your marriage for as long as he allows it. Think long and hard about whether you're willing to live like that. He's not going to change just because you get married, and neither is his mother.