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FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??

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Re: FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??

  • MobKaz said:
    My DD's MIL had opinions on everything.  She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making.  MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner.  It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

    MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned.  She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way".  It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening.  MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted". 

    If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that.  Stop sharing details.  Have FI set boundaries NOW.  I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple.  If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan.  It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?
    Thank you, this is helpful.  What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled?  He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily.  If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??
    Then you don’t marry him. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2018
    MobKaz said:
    My DD's MIL had opinions on everything.  She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making.  MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner.  It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

    MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned.  She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way".  It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening.  MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted". 

    If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that.  Stop sharing details.  Have FI set boundaries NOW.  I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple.  If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan.  It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?
    Thank you, this is helpful.  What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled?  He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily.  If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??
    Then you don’t marry him. 
    I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

    What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948 said:
    MobKaz said:
    My DD's MIL had opinions on everything.  She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making.  MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner.  It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

    MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned.  She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way".  It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening.  MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted". 

    If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that.  Stop sharing details.  Have FI set boundaries NOW.  I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple.  If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan.  It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?
    Thank you, this is helpful.  What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled?  He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily.  If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??
    Then you don’t marry him. 
    I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

    What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.
    I think what a lot of us are saying is that you need to be #1 to your FI/H.   If he refuses to put the OP as a priority then she shouldn't marry him.   

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Jen4948 said:
    MobKaz said:
    My DD's MIL had opinions on everything.  She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making.  MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner.  It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

    MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned.  She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way".  It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening.  MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted". 

    If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that.  Stop sharing details.  Have FI set boundaries NOW.  I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple.  If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan.  It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?
    Thank you, this is helpful.  What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled?  He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily.  If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??
    Then you don’t marry him. 
    I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

    What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.
    Not merely because the FMIL is intrusive, but because the FI won't shut it down and be on OP's team instead of FMIL's. If couples counseling works to fix that, then awesome. If not, then I think not getting married is something that should be very seriously considered. If he's not going to put you first, why would you do that to yourself?

    Anniversary

    MyNameIsNoteileenrobMesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Jen4948 said:
    MobKaz said:
    My DD's MIL had opinions on everything.  She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making.  MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner.  It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

    MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned.  She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way".  It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening.  MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted". 

    If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that.  Stop sharing details.  Have FI set boundaries NOW.  I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple.  If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan.  It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?
    Thank you, this is helpful.  What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled?  He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily.  If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??
    Then you don’t marry him. 
    I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

    What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.
    Not merely because the FMIL is intrusive, but because the FI won't shut it down and be on OP's team instead of FMIL's. If couples counseling works to fix that, then awesome. If not, then I think not getting married is something that should be very seriously considered. If he's not going to put you first, why would you do that to yourself?
    I agree with you that if couples counseling doesn't work, then it's better not to marry the FI. But I think that it's better to try couples counseling first and see if that accomplishes anything rather than just a blanket "don't marry the FI" decision.
    short+sassy[Deleted User]
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    MobKaz said:
    My DD's MIL had opinions on everything.  She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making.  MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner.  It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

    MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned.  She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way".  It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening.  MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted". 

    If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that.  Stop sharing details.  Have FI set boundaries NOW.  I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple.  If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan.  It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?
    Thank you, this is helpful.  What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled?  He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily.  If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??
    Then you don’t marry him. 
    I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

    What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.
    Not merely because the FMIL is intrusive, but because the FI won't shut it down and be on OP's team instead of FMIL's. If couples counseling works to fix that, then awesome. If not, then I think not getting married is something that should be very seriously considered. If he's not going to put you first, why would you do that to yourself?
    I agree with you that if couples counseling doesn't work, then it's better not to marry the FI. But I think that it's better to try couples counseling first and see if that accomplishes anything rather than just a blanket "don't marry the FI" decision.
    Momma's boy/pushover is a deal breaker for a lot of people. Not everyone is willing to go through the counselling and all the work for someone who needs be convinced to put his FI ahead of his mother. 

    If he were on board and needed help to find some strategies and tools to work on it, it would be pretty drastic to say just move on. But that's not the case. He sees nothing wrong with putting his mother first. Maybe counselling would be right for some people, but for others it's time to just move on. 
    STARMOON44
  • RE your update:

    I think it's unfortunate that your FI didn't talk to his mom first about the budget before you emailed other venues and just copied her.  She probably felt blindsighted and hurt and that you did step on her toes.  These kind of things aren't tit for tat i.e. well she stepped on my toes so I can step on her toes.  

    What's done is done at this point.  I would call her and apologize (probably with FI on the phone too) and explain what you guys are thinking about budget.  Ask if she is available to look at those other venues before making a final decision.  

    Or turn down the money and do whatever you want.  

    InLoveInQueensShesSoCold
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

    Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person.   None of it. 

    He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy. 

    Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married.   Are you OK with that for the rest of your life?? 
    Egads!  I just revisited those posts!

    @Knottie#'s......you ain't seen nothing yet if you and your FI decide to have children!
    MairePoppyeileenrob
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

    Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person.   None of it. 

    He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy. 

    Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married.   Are you OK with that for the rest of your life?? 
    I didn't realize this was the same OP. So hard to keep track of all the knottienumbers.

    OP, you really really need counseling. Nothing you have posted is reassuring in the slightest about your relationship. If you press on you will be deeply unhappy in your marriage. 


    image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited November 2018
    I have a confession. My MIL is an ornery old Yankee. Her kids knew it would be trouble to say no to her, so we in laws had our work cut out for us. When I'd finally had enough of her drama, I told my h I wasn't going to bother with his family until he straightened the situation out. He took a while, but he finally let them know that he and I were a unit and that we would be deciding what was best for us and if she wanted us to come around for holidays and family gatherings, she would treat us with respect. There really isn't any way around it, unless you want to be the bad guy all the time. 
                       
    MobKazshort+sassyMesmrEwe
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 

    MairePoppy
  • The RD pales in comparison to your FI not being adult enough to get married.  He sounds like a man-child who will want another mommy.  It’s going to be a long life.

    Re RD- at this point I’d decline FMIL’s offer to host.  My H and I hosted pizza, wine and beer at our apartment at the time.  Everyone enjoyed.
    [Deleted User]MyNameIsNot
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 
    Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out. 

    In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it. 
                       
  • I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 
    Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out. 

    In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it. 
    This is not the picture painted in other threads.
    InLoveInQueensMairePoppy
  • banana468 said:
    I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 
    Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out. 

    In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it. 
    This is not the picture painted in other threads.
    Okay, I think you're just picking out every negative thing ever said and disregarding every positive.
  • levioosa said:
    banana468 said:
    After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

    Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person.   None of it. 

    He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy. 

    Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married.   Are you OK with that for the rest of your life?? 
    I didn't realize this was the same OP. So hard to keep track of all the knottienumbers.

    OP, you really really need counseling. Nothing you have posted is reassuring in the slightest about your relationship. If you press on you will be deeply unhappy in your marriage. 
    We started, thanks for your input . . .
  • banana468 said:
    I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 
    Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out. 

    In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it. 
    This is not the picture painted in other threads.
    Okay, I think you're just picking out every negative thing ever said and disregarding every positive.
    I'm reading what you wrote.   He doesn't sound like a bad guy but each and every time you come on here with a conflict you have opted to do the following:

    -When with your FMIL, your FI has not been involved in addressing his mother directly.   
    -When you have issues with your FI and you commented about the things that he does or does NOT do (does NOT compliment you, DOES watch enough porn that it affects your intimacy) you decided that the best way to fix this was not to enter counseling but to go shopping.
    -When you bring up office conflicts you decided that the best thing to do was run away from the issues you brought up and deleted your post.

    Look: maybe you two are entering into some great intense therapy that will help you two resolve your own issues and the issues with your FMIL.   But until you actually have constructive responses that indicate that both you and your FI are invested in your relationship and facing your issues head on, I don't think this forecasting anything positive. 
    eileenrobMyNameIsNot
  • Ouf I think this is my last post on this forum.  Thank you for those with constructive feedback!  What's supposed to be a happy time has turned into something really negative on here- posting something like worrying about an anticipated groom's reaction and disagreeing over how much someone's mom should be involved is NOT grounds for an end to an otherwise enviable and wonderful 10 years together with someone who has literally carried me up three flights of stairs on numerous occasions due to health problems. One of a million examples of why I'm marrying him. 

    We are in pre-marital counseling because no relationship is ever perfect - I'm surprised by some of the nastiness, the extreme jumps to conclusions, completely incorrect assumptions, and completely unconstructive uncalled-for, and unsolicited comments on completely unrelated topics.

    I love TK for everything...except for this horrible place.  I know that the common folks who comment on everything and have been for 5+ years will jump down my throat now - do what you need to do, I don't get notifications for this. Many of you seem to be just like FMIL except without the good intentions.

    Peace out!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    banana468 said:
    I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 
    Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out. 

    In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it. 
    This is not the picture painted in other threads.
    Oh dear. I have some catching up to do.
                       
  • banana468 said:
    I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab. 
    Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out. 

    In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it. 
    This is not the picture painted in other threads.
    Oh dear. I have some catching up to do.
    Look at her posts.

    Each and every one is rife with an inability to handle conflict. 
    MairePoppy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I didn't realize this was he same poster that had the issue already with her H and not complimenting. Yikes. 

    eileenrob
  • I didn't realize this was he same poster that had the issue already with her H and not complimenting. Yikes. 
    Same one w/ the issue with the FI and not complimenting, with the FMIL interfering with the kind of ceremony that they're having and trying to figure out how to not invite ONE coworker from their office.   
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    I didn't realize this was he same poster that had the issue already with her H and not complimenting. Yikes. 
    Same one w/ the issue with the FI and not complimenting, with the FMIL interfering with the kind of ceremony that they're having and trying to figure out how to not invite ONE coworker from their office.   
    Damn. That's a lot of issues. 

    MairePoppybanana468
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