FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??

MobKaz · November 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

You and your FI must understand that you, as a couple, are now each other's first and foremost primary family. Together you will need to decide which battles are worth fighting. If you feel strongly about something, then he needs to support YOU. You should not have to "get him" to establish boundaries. He should be willing to support you by understanding that YOU now come first.

LondonLisa · November 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

You don't. You can't change people. If your soon to be husband likes this relationship, they are a package deal. If he doesn't see this as an issue, you are going to be dealing with this your whole life. I strongly suggest you both talk about this, preferably with a counsellor, because if you think this is annoying now, wait until you buy a house or have a baby. If your H won't set boundaries, you are in for a bumpy and frustrating ride.

You need to know that you come first for your H and how much this upsets you. If he isn't willing to step up, then you have to decide if this is how your want to live your life. You either need to get to a place where she doesn't bother you or else make some tough decisions.

You can't change people. And you especially can't change a relationship between a mother and a son unless one of them wants to.

In the same advice I would give Trump- you can't force a wall between people and expect your problems to go away. You have to solve the underlying issue.

STARMOON44 · November 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

Then you don’t marry him.

Jen4948 · November 2018

STARMOON44 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

Then you don’t marry him.

I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.

banana468 · November 2018

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

Then you don’t marry him.

I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.

I think what a lot of us are saying is that you need to be #1 to your FI/H. If he refuses to put the OP as a priority then she shouldn't marry him.

flantastic · November 2018

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

Then you don’t marry him.

I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.

Not merely because the FMIL is intrusive, but because the FI won't shut it down and be on OP's team instead of FMIL's. If couples counseling works to fix that, then awesome. If not, then I think not getting married is something that should be very seriously considered. If he's not going to put you first, why would you do that to yourself?

Jen4948 · November 2018

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

Then you don’t marry him.

I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.

Not merely because the FMIL is intrusive, but because the FI won't shut it down and be on OP's team instead of FMIL's. If couples counseling works to fix that, then awesome. If not, then I think not getting married is something that should be very seriously considered. If he's not going to put you first, why would you do that to yourself?

I agree with you that if couples counseling doesn't work, then it's better not to marry the FI. But I think that it's better to try couples counseling first and see if that accomplishes anything rather than just a blanket "don't marry the FI" decision.

MyNameIsNot · November 2018

Jen4948 said:

flantastic said:

Jen4948 said:

STARMOON44 said:

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

MobKaz said:

My DD's MIL had opinions on everything. She did not like the plans DD and (then) FI were making. MIL also graciously volunteered to host the rehearsal dinner. It was NOT AT ALL in line with what DD/FI had wanted, but they too, were just grateful it was offered and "off their list" of things to do.

MIL turned their rehearsal dinner into HER mini reception, except the one SHE envisioned. She used the same color scheme as DD/FI, but used it "the proper way". It was basically a "this is what you should have done" evening. MIL invited all of HER family to this dinner, so as to show them how they "should have been hosted".

If there is NO need for MIL to visit the reception venue, have FI state that. Stop sharing details. Have FI set boundaries NOW. I have said this many times......YOUR wedding should reflect YOU as a couple. If you prefer a secular ceremony, then that is what YOU should plan. It's nice that your FI is willing to change YOUR ceremony to please her, but are you planning on placating her in future life events that surround you and your new family unit?

Thank you, this is helpful. What do I do if FH sees absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if anything enjoys being coddled? He is a non-confrontational, care-free person, and establishing boundaries is not something I'd be able to get him to do easily. If that's the case, do *I* establish the boundary, and if so, how??

Then you don’t marry him.

I don't think anyone is not going to marry their FI because of an intrusive FMIL.

What you can do is insist on couples counseling before you marry and address the situation in a counseling session.

Not merely because the FMIL is intrusive, but because the FI won't shut it down and be on OP's team instead of FMIL's. If couples counseling works to fix that, then awesome. If not, then I think not getting married is something that should be very seriously considered. If he's not going to put you first, why would you do that to yourself?

I agree with you that if couples counseling doesn't work, then it's better not to marry the FI. But I think that it's better to try couples counseling first and see if that accomplishes anything rather than just a blanket "don't marry the FI" decision.

Momma's boy/pushover is a deal breaker for a lot of people. Not everyone is willing to go through the counselling and all the work for someone who needs be convinced to put his FI ahead of his mother.

If he were on board and needed help to find some strategies and tools to work on it, it would be pretty drastic to say just move on. But that's not the case. He sees nothing wrong with putting his mother first. Maybe counselling would be right for some people, but for others it's time to just move on.

MairePoppy · November 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

EDIT UPDATE:

So I received a phone call from FMIL who said that she's fairly certain that the $ contribution we'd agreed upon wouldn't cover everything for the rehearsal and that we will be responsible for the rest. I very much appreciate any help at all and am okay with covering the rest; however, after looking into places on my own, I'm very concerned because I could easily cover our number of people within the budget she set aside, complete with wine and such with dinner. So now I'm concerned that she's looking into very expensive places and expecting us to pick up the tab. If we are both contributing financially then shouldn't we both have a say in the place???

So anyway, after that conversation I looked around our area and found two cute places that are really pretty and within budget. I emailed both of them and copied FMIL and FH. Then the next morning I receive an email asking why I did that basically asking why *I* stepped on *her* toes even after she called my venue and set up a meeting with them AND set up a meeting with the our hotel block's manager?????

I told FH that I will speak to her if he doesn't and he said "that's fine". So how do I phrase this without permanently damaging the relationship while also getting my point across??????

Hi Knottie#s, I'm copy/pasting your update here because I don't think the other posters will notice it in your OP. And I wish you had a name other than Knottie#s. We would love to get to know you and have you get to know us.

Anyway, if you're paying for part of the RD you have a right to help plan, set a budget, choose the location, menu etc...It was totally reasonable and actually very helpful of you to find two alternatives that are within the budget.

Since your fi isn't willing to intervene and his mother is already accusing you of overstepping, I would decline her offer to host the RD. You could thank her for her generous offer, but tell her you prefer to plan a more casual and budget friendly RD. Hey, beer and pizza is better than the tears and aggravation likely to result from your FMIL's over planning.

Ro041 · November 2018

RE your update:

I think it's unfortunate that your FI didn't talk to his mom first about the budget before you emailed other venues and just copied her. She probably felt blindsighted and hurt and that you did step on her toes. These kind of things aren't tit for tat i.e. well she stepped on my toes so I can step on her toes.

What's done is done at this point. I would call her and apologize (probably with FI on the phone too) and explain what you guys are thinking about budget. Ask if she is available to look at those other venues before making a final decision.

Or turn down the money and do whatever you want.

banana468 · November 2018

I would do a few things here:

1) I would stop all wedding planning discussion with your FI. Full stop. He has no interest in being a participant in any of this and is playing child to the two grown women.

2) I would then go in one of two ways: sit and talk with him about plans that you two are mutually agreeing to together including your mutual financial investment and how you want it to play out. THEN he needs to pick up the phone and talk to his mom. OR - if he doesn't agree to this - stop the wedding planning.

Your main issue here is that you and your FI is happy to play puppy to the two alpha females here. And he's an equal participant in all of this and needs to act like it.

If your FI wants to be an equal and not a pushover then I would recommend that the group of you sit down and talk about a budget for the RD. Then look into venues that fit your budget.

But I have to be frank here: the more you talk about your FI the more he seems to be someone who isn't ready to make big boy decisions.

bubblylove · November 2018

I would simply tell her you can't afford the additional cost for the rehearsal so found a few other places that fit within budget. Then it's her choice - pay the extra or look at a second place.

Overall, though, your FI kinda sucks. He is going to let you take all the heat and that is simply awful.

banana468 · November 2018

After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person. None of it.

He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy.

Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married. Are you OK with that for the rest of your life??

MobKaz · November 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

EDIT UPDATE:

So I received a phone call from FMIL who said that she's fairly certain that the $ contribution we'd agreed upon wouldn't cover everything for the rehearsal and that we will be responsible for the rest. I very much appreciate any help at all and am okay with covering the rest; however, after looking into places on my own, I'm very concerned because I could easily cover our number of people within the budget she set aside, complete with wine and such with dinner. So now I'm concerned that she's looking into very expensive places and expecting us to pick up the tab. If we are both contributing financially then shouldn't we both have a say in the place???

So anyway, after that conversation I looked around our area and found two cute places that are really pretty and within budget. I emailed both of them and copied FMIL and FH. Then the next morning I receive an email asking why I did that basically asking why *I* stepped on *her* toes even after she called my venue and set up a meeting with them AND set up a meeting with the our hotel block's manager?????

I told FH that I will speak to her if he doesn't and he said "that's fine". So how do I phrase this without permanently damaging the relationship while also getting my point across??????

Oh, Hell, no!

Stop this madness now!

Two perspectives from a parent of both a son and daughter.

Son. Married. Left extremely prestigious medical residency to relocate to wife's medical residency, which, while not bad, not anywhere near the same caliber. This also required moving across the dang country. My family: "How could SHE make him do that? Why is it all about her"? While I admit I hate that they are far away, especially with the new grandbaby, I reamed out my family for making HER the bad guy. Two people = one unit = mutual decisions = WE STAY OUT.

Daughter. Married a GREAT guy but was happy to "let" DD deal with HIS mother. DD WAS made into the "bad guy" because SIL was "fine" with DD doing the communicating. It did not change until DD let SIL and FMIL both have it. It should have never begun!

You MUST communicate with your FI and he MUST communicate with his mother. How did hosting the rehearsal dinner come about? Did his mother volunteer to host it entirely? I guess I assumed she did since you are letting her have complete say in it. If that is the case, have FI remind her of that. Have FI explain that you have nothing extra to spare to help FMIL offset any costs. If she barks about it, then have FI explain that her choices are to start over with the budget she can afford, or to excuse herself from the offer entirely. Then you and FI can host the rehearsal that suits you and your budget, or perhaps avoid one entirely. Rehearsal dinners are not always necessary!

MobKaz · November 2018

banana468 said:

After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person. None of it.

He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy.

Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married. Are you OK with that for the rest of your life??

Egads! I just revisited those posts!

@Knottie#'s......you ain't seen nothing yet if you and your FI decide to have children!

levioosa · November 2018

banana468 said:

After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person. None of it.

He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy.

Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married. Are you OK with that for the rest of your life??

I didn't realize this was the same OP. So hard to keep track of all the knottienumbers.

OP, you really really need counseling. Nothing you have posted is reassuring in the slightest about your relationship. If you press on you will be deeply unhappy in your marriage.

MairePoppy · November 2018

I have a confession. My MIL is an ornery old Yankee. Her kids knew it would be trouble to say no to her, so we in laws had our work cut out for us. When I'd finally had enough of her drama, I told my h I wasn't going to bother with his family until he straightened the situation out. He took a while, but he finally let them know that he and I were a unit and that we would be deciding what was best for us and if she wanted us to come around for holidays and family gatherings, she would treat us with respect. There really isn't any way around it, unless you want to be the bad guy all the time.

climbingsingle · November 2018

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

ei34 · November 2018

The RD pales in comparison to your FI not being adult enough to get married. He sounds like a man-child who will want another mommy. It’s going to be a long life.

Re RD- at this point I’d decline FMIL’s offer to host. My H and I hosted pizza, wine and beer at our apartment at the time. Everyone enjoyed.

MairePoppy · November 2018

climbingwife said:

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out.

In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it.

banana468 · November 2018

MairePoppy said:

climbingwife said:

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out.

In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it.

This is not the picture painted in other threads.

[Deleted User] · November 2018

banana468 said:

MairePoppy said:

climbingwife said:

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out.

In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it.

This is not the picture painted in other threads.
Okay, I think you're just picking out every negative thing ever said and disregarding every positive.

[Deleted User] · November 2018

levioosa said:

banana468 said:

After reading your prior posts I think you need to know that if you don't enter into therapy with your FI before you get married you will either enter into a miserable marriage or you're entering into one that is not survivable.

Nothing that you post about him or his interactions with his mom strike me as anything that is in any way indicative of someone who loves, honors and cherishes you and who wants you to be the most important person. None of it.

He isn't complimentary, he's not helpful in conflict resolution and he he watches so much porn that it's affected your intimacy.

Know that NONE OF THIS will change once you're married. Are you OK with that for the rest of your life??

I didn't realize this was the same OP. So hard to keep track of all the knottienumbers.

OP, you really really need counseling. Nothing you have posted is reassuring in the slightest about your relationship. If you press on you will be deeply unhappy in your marriage.

We started, thanks for your input . . .

banana468 · November 2018

knottieda10bcd9733d97aa said:

banana468 said:

MairePoppy said:

climbingwife said:

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out.

In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it.

This is not the picture painted in other threads.
Okay, I think you're just picking out every negative thing ever said and disregarding every positive.

I'm reading what you wrote. He doesn't sound like a bad guy but each and every time you come on here with a conflict you have opted to do the following:

-When with your FMIL, your FI has not been involved in addressing his mother directly.
-When you have issues with your FI and you commented about the things that he does or does NOT do (does NOT compliment you, DOES watch enough porn that it affects your intimacy) you decided that the best way to fix this was not to enter counseling but to go shopping.
-When you bring up office conflicts you decided that the best thing to do was run away from the issues you brought up and deleted your post.

Look: maybe you two are entering into some great intense therapy that will help you two resolve your own issues and the issues with your FMIL. But until you actually have constructive responses that indicate that both you and your FI are invested in your relationship and facing your issues head on, I don't think this forecasting anything positive.

[Deleted User] · November 2018

Ouf I think this is my last post on this forum. Thank you for those with constructive feedback! What's supposed to be a happy time has turned into something really negative on here- posting something like worrying about an anticipated groom's reaction and disagreeing over how much someone's mom should be involved is NOT grounds for an end to an otherwise enviable and wonderful 10 years together with someone who has literally carried me up three flights of stairs on numerous occasions due to health problems. One of a million examples of why I'm marrying him.

We are in pre-marital counseling because no relationship is ever perfect - I'm surprised by some of the nastiness, the extreme jumps to conclusions, completely incorrect assumptions, and completely unconstructive uncalled-for, and unsolicited comments on completely unrelated topics.

I love TK for everything...except for this horrible place. I know that the common folks who comment on everything and have been for 5+ years will jump down my throat now - do what you need to do, I don't get notifications for this. Many of you seem to be just like FMIL except without the good intentions.

Peace out!

MairePoppy · November 2018

banana468 said:

MairePoppy said:

climbingwife said:

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out.

In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it.

This is not the picture painted in other threads.

Oh dear. I have some catching up to do.

banana468 · November 2018

MairePoppy said:

banana468 said:

MairePoppy said:

climbingwife said:

I think it's extremely concerning that your FI will not get involved and speak to his mother, and is totally fine letting you do the "dirty work", so to speak. I think your concerns are valid - she's planning a possibly expensive party, and is then asking you guys to pick up part of the tab.

Her fi may be a very sweet, agreeable man. He just needs to realize that he and OP have become the primary family unit, otherwise life is going to be miserable for someone. I vote that the burden be placed on him. He shouldn't get to sit this one out, while the women duke it out.

In the meantime, I suggest OP thank FMIL for her offer, but decline it. That puts OP in charge of the planning. Most likely FMIL will pitch a fit with her son and he will be forced to deal with it.

This is not the picture painted in other threads.

Oh dear. I have some catching up to do.

Look at her posts.

Each and every one is rife with an inability to handle conflict.

climbingsingle · November 2018

I didn't realize this was he same poster that had the issue already with her H and not complimenting. Yikes.

banana468 · November 2018

climbingwife said:

I didn't realize this was he same poster that had the issue already with her H and not complimenting. Yikes.

Same one w/ the issue with the FI and not complimenting, with the FMIL interfering with the kind of ceremony that they're having and trying to figure out how to not invite ONE coworker from their office.

climbingsingle · November 2018

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

I didn't realize this was he same poster that had the issue already with her H and not complimenting. Yikes.

Same one w/ the issue with the FI and not complimenting, with the FMIL interfering with the kind of ceremony that they're having and trying to figure out how to not invite ONE coworker from their office.

Damn. That's a lot of issues.

FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??

Re: FMIL called venue and is going down to visit??

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