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Wedding Woes

Fatigued Fiancé

My fiancé proposed about four months ago and while I know for a fact I want to marry him I’m not oblivious to the fact that there are some issues that need to be addressed. For now, I’ll settle for venting:

We have two beautiful kids together and he has a 12 yo from a previous marriage and I’m finding that most of our disagreements stem from the latter. For one I am very much a neat person and have never lived in a home that was allowed to remain unorganized. My fiancé however did not raise her that way and I am constantly having to run behind her to remind her to clean up her messes which just makes me feel awkward. The other issue is I have zero privacy because she’s constantly busting into our room unannounced (usually with me standing there but naked). My fiancé has “talked” to her about it to no avail. On top of that she keeps taking and using all of my and the babies’ stuff without asking, most of which she’s either listed or ruined including several hundred dollars worth of makeup and a $800 dresser. Anyone who knows me know I HATE yes HATE when people touch my things. Again, my fiancé has claimed he’s talked to he me but I see no evidence of that. Last but certainly not least I abhor listening to the way she speaks to her elders. If I spoke to my parents or grandparents the way she does I wouldn’t been murdered. But again, my fiancé allows it and oddly enough doesn’t bat an eyelash. Most days I feel like I’m losing my mind and jump through hurdles to let my kids know those behaviors aren’t tolerated. End rant.
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Re: Fatigued Fiancé

  • edited February 10
    My fiancé proposed about four months ago and while I know for a fact I want to marry him I’m not oblivious to the fact that there are some issues that need to be addressed. For now, I’ll settle for venting:

    We have two beautiful kids together and he has a 12 yo from a previous marriage and I’m finding that most of our disagreements stem from the latter. For one I am very much a neat person and have never lived in a home that was allowed to remain unorganized. My fiancé however did not raise her that way and I am constantly having to run behind her to remind her to clean up her messes which just makes me feel awkward. The other issue is I have zero privacy because she’s constantly busting into our room unannounced (usually with me standing there but naked). My fiancé has “talked” to her about it to no avail. On top of that she keeps taking and using all of my and the babies’ stuff without asking, most of which she’s either listed or ruined including several hundred dollars worth of makeup and a $800 dresser. Anyone who knows me know I HATE yes HATE when people touch my things. Again, my fiancé has claimed he’s talked to he me but I see no evidence of that. Last but certainly not least I abhor listening to the way she speaks to her elders. If I spoke to my parents or grandparents the way she does I wouldn’t been murdered. But again, my fiancé allows it and oddly enough doesn’t bat an eyelash. Most days I feel like I’m losing my mind and jump through hurdles to let my kids know those behaviors aren’t tolerated. End rant.
    JIC
  • So does your fiancé just not see these as problems? What does he say about how you will raise you own children? Can you put a lock on your bedroom door?
    STARMOON44
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Have you had any counseling? I know that is what most people jump to but I think if you truly love and want a life with this man family/couples/individual counseling ALL is necessary. I am assuming he at least has partial custody since it seems SD is around enough to cause you this much stress. Blending families is never easy. With a pre-teen it can be very traumatic. If you have been to counseling and nothing has changed, then I agree with @LondonLisa. It will only get worse and you will only get more resentful.
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassynightnerd
  • He says he does see them as problems and knows he didnt raise her right but doesnt know what to do. And any advice i seem to offer him he says will just push her away from him which i told him is ridiculous. Hes great with our two kids, disciplines them and backs me when i do. 
  • I have nothing against it and have suggested it several times to my fiance who also agrees theres a problem but no one will agree to go with me
  • Thank you I will check them out. I really love him and he’s a wonderful father otherwise but raising kids without discipline or a foundation of respect is not something I’m interested in. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited February 11
    My fiancé proposed about four months ago and while I know for a fact I want to marry him I’m not oblivious to the fact that there are some issues that need to be addressed. For now, I’ll settle for venting:

    We have two beautiful kids together and he has a 12 yo from a previous marriage and I’m finding that most of our disagreements stem from the latter. For one I am very much a neat person and have never lived in a home that was allowed to remain unorganized. My fiancé however did not raise her that way and I am constantly having to run behind her to remind her to clean up her messes which just makes me feel awkward. The other issue is I have zero privacy because she’s constantly busting into our room unannounced (usually with me standing there but naked). My fiancé has “talked” to her about it to no avail. On top of that she keeps taking and using all of my and the babies’ stuff without asking, most of which she’s either listed or ruined including several hundred dollars worth of makeup and a $800 dresser. Anyone who knows me know I HATE yes HATE when people touch my things. Again, my fiancé has claimed he’s talked to he me but I see no evidence of that. Last but certainly not least I abhor listening to the way she speaks to her elders. If I spoke to my parents or grandparents the way she does I wouldn’t been murdered. But again, my fiancé allows it and oddly enough doesn’t bat an eyelash. Most days I feel like I’m losing my mind and jump through hurdles to let my kids know those behaviors aren’t tolerated. End rant.
    You clearly can’t stand his daughter and don’t respect how he parents so do the poor child a favor and end this now. 
    QFT!!

    Your resentment and disgust at this CHILD is palpable. Please just break up and give this child and her father a chance to have a relationship. Do you ever think why your fiancé is worried about pushing her away? Maybe it is because every time she is over at your house she can do nothing right. 12 is such a hard age, let alone the trauma of blended families. Now add on top of that a grown adult who just has contempt and disgust towards you and your mistakes. I'm not surprised she is acting up. 
    STARMOON44mrsconn23InLoveInQueens
  • Has it been this way from the beginning of your relationship or has something changed once you got engaged? Is she experiencing other big changes at her mom's house? 

    I agree with others that it is a FI problem, not a SD problem. Since you say no one will go to counseling with you, I'd suggest starting to go by yourself. You need to work through some of this yourself and figure out what you are willing to compromise on and what you're not so you can see how you may fit into this family and what you can do to be more welcoming to the SD. 
    eileenrob
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I can't get over having kids with a guy who's parenting philosophy is so absolutely different than your own. 

    You meet a guy who has (in your opinion) an unruly daughter. Clearly, she was raised without the level of discipline that you think is appropriate. So you have more children with him, without ever working any of this out. WTF?
    eileenrobnightnerd
  • So I think some of this is a little harsh. OP has tried to talk to her FI sand he’s not listening or is but he’s not making the progress she needs. And I don’t read her comments as disgust or disdain for the SD (that seems IMO extreme) but frustration. Now if she were venting this at the SD this way that’s a different story. 

    OP it sounds like you’re frustrated and you’re not sure what your role in parenting your SD is when she’s at your house. I agree with others that this needs to be worked out with your FI ASAP before more wedding plans are made. I also agree that you should work on being patient with her; you’re frustrated with her behavior AND your FI’s lack of response to it, but be sure not to take it out on her. There’s probably many reasons she’s acting the way she is, but you’re the adult here and part of that is being the bigger person and working to find a solution. 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I can't get over having kids with a guy who's parenting philosophy is so absolutely different than your own. 

    You meet a guy who has (in your opinion) an unruly daughter. Clearly, she was raised without the level of discipline that you think is appropriate. So you have more children with him, without ever working any of this out. WTF?
    This is where I am as well. My H and I don't have kids (and will remain child free), and even we discussed what our parenting philosophies would be if we did decide to have kids. 

    It sounds like you have a lot of animosity towards his child. I think if anyone needs counseling, it's you. 

    MyNameIsNoteileenrob
  • I can't get over having kids with a guy who's parenting philosophy is so absolutely different than your own. 

    You meet a guy who has (in your opinion) an unruly daughter. Clearly, she was raised without the level of discipline that you think is appropriate. So you have more children with him, without ever working any of this out. WTF?
    This is where I am as well. My H and I don't have kids (and will remain child free), and even we discussed what our parenting philosophies would be if we did decide to have kids. 

    It sounds like you have a lot of animosity towards his child. I think if anyone needs counseling, it's you. 
    I mean, it sounds like they have a shared philosophy on the kids they have together, but not with the SD.

    Which is definitely a problem but also not that uncommon, no? Blending families is tough work. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I can't get over having kids with a guy who's parenting philosophy is so absolutely different than your own. 

    You meet a guy who has (in your opinion) an unruly daughter. Clearly, she was raised without the level of discipline that you think is appropriate. So you have more children with him, without ever working any of this out. WTF?
    This is where I am as well. My H and I don't have kids (and will remain child free), and even we discussed what our parenting philosophies would be if we did decide to have kids. 

    It sounds like you have a lot of animosity towards his child. I think if anyone needs counseling, it's you. 
    I mean, it sounds like they have a shared philosophy on the kids they have together, but not with the SD.

    Which is definitely a problem but also not that uncommon, no? Blending families is tough work. 
    Eh, OP says both. It doesn't seem very clear to me. Blending families is tough, which is why I find it so concerning that OP seems to have such animosity towards a 12 year old. 

    eileenrob
  • VarunaTT said:
    IDK, the nitpicking on this 12 year old is harsh AF, IMHO.  She's a pre-teen..some of this is absolutely developmentally normal from being both 12 and in a blended family.  It's a bitch, but I guarantee that your kids aren't going to be 12 year old angels either.  And the number of times you've said, "she wasn't raised right," is making me shudder.  I absolutely believe you've said this to her face.

    You can choose to go to counseling by yourself and work on your reactions and learning new parenting techniques for this child.  But just in your OP and comments, this feels so much like, "My way or the highway."  But y'all have kids together anyway, so counseling no matter what, b/c you're all up in each others lives now for a good long time.
    Fair enough. And if she is saying things like that (the wasn’t raised right stuff) then that’s unequivocally wrong. 
  • You are sadly mistaken. I in no way "can't stand" his daughter. Why i'm so frustrated and maybe i could've done a better job at explaining it, is because while my kids would do the exact same things and be equally as destructive as her, they aren't because I'm constantly correcting them and dont feel any guilt when i do. With her however, I often feel very nervous to tell her to do or don't do something and because of that sometimes i will begrudgingly ask her not to do something and other times i begrudgingly don't and end up for ex cleaning up her mess for her or fixing whatever she messed up. I cant discipline her the same way i do my kids and her father doesnt discipline her the same way we collecting discipline the others and THATs why i'm so upset. So please dont judge me and assume I just hate the girl because i really dont. All things considering she's a pretty decent kid and would be pleasant to be around if the discipline was there
  • I know very well how hard being 12 is and i especially know how hard is was being 12, ripped from the only family i knew (which she hasn't been), and been thrown into a house with a new "mom" and "brothers and sisters who i wasnt even related too. Please. No one understands her situation more than me. And yes she does need hella correction but whats the alternative? NEVER correcting her when she does something wrong? The ONLY reason my fiance is afraid of pushing her away (I asked him to be sure) is because I hate my own father which he thinks is due to the fact that my dad disciplined me (not true). In fact I love my father for disciplining me, I hate him for reasons completely unrelated. 
  •  I definitely am gonna go! For one I love counseling lol if nothing else it give me another adult to vent to. And she has been through a lot yes. We use to be really close before I moved in and became pregnant with our first son. But i wouldnt say shes "acting out" per se. I think shes acting like any normal kid without reigns. 
  • Read carefully. I said hes a wonderful father because he is a wonderful father. And we agree wholeheartedly on how we are raising our two younger kids. The problem is the oldest child was not raised the same way and THATS what i have a problem with (and again my fiance agrees he failed in that regard and is now having emotional blocks to doing so now)
  • I dont understand why no one is reading anything im saying lol our philosophy is not different. he said he kinda gave in with raising her in certain aspects because he was a single dad for most of her life and was focused more on just providing for her basic needs which is not the best but understandable
  • Thank you. I honestly feel like you're the only one who truly understood where I'm coming from. I don't hate the girl. In fact I care about her enough to not want her to grow up thinking things are owed to her and ppl should cater to her every whim. I do have to continue to be cautious as not to take it out on her, right now when i get upset i tend just to isolate myself which i know isn't the greatest thing to do, but im not sure how else to handle it. And i often don't want to talk to my FI about it because hes in such a tough position and i don't want him to feel like hes choosing sides. 
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